108

I have been doing my best to just keep my head above water and I have to admit while I have had a few moments I have done a good job with it. I saw Melissa today for the last time this year. We discussed some ways for me to work on my insecurities.

Its a struggle do to the fact that its so deep rooted. Going all the way back to my childhood. I’m learning to give myself a chance and to just relax and allow things to happen. I have my difficult moments in dealing with it sometimes but the overall is there.

Next week I have an appointment with the eye doctor. I have been having major headaches lately do to my eyes not seeing as good anymore. I also had a piece of the nose holder thingy break and that has caused a lot of discomfort. Its been a couple of years since my last eye exam. So I am definitely do.

I’m probably not going to get back here until after I get new glasses next week. So I hope all my readers enjoy their holiday. I bid you peace and good tithing. Thank you for sticking with me this year. Its been a roller coaster but a lot of good has come out of it. 2017 looks to be very promising.

Until we meet again my friend.

107

Had one good thing happen to me over the past few weeks that is the only thing that has been right. Seems like most of everything else has gone wayward. I’m so very frustrated about it all at the moment.

I spent yesterday with my oldest daughter and my grandson. I really had a good time being with the grandson. However a part of me was very sad about it as well. Seeing the innocence through the eyes of the wounded.

I’m not on my meds at the moment as the doctors office has yet to get my prescription refilled. I called twice last week before I was out but I guess they wanted me to do with out because I am. It frustrates me when I do the right thing and still get shit on. Kinda takes the incentive out of it.

Doing my best to keep my focus on the positive but so damn hard right now with all the negative that is just twisting my emotions. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother why not just throw in the towel and call it a fucked up life and end it.

So hard to keep positive when Murphy’s Law is the life you have. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself or maybe I really am getting to the end of my rope with dealing. I’m sorry I just see very little value in Life. All I see is an accident that should have never ever happened.

But I’m hurt and my views are based through those eyes. I have so much I am so grateful for such as spending time with my Daughter and Grandson. It was a very refreshing moment when it was needed. I’m just afraid it wasn’t enough :(

Again though I have to do my best to keep my focus on what it is I have set out to do. I’m just not doing a very good job of that at the moment.

I grew up in a very different world than most Americans. I was forced to be on my own by the age of 8. I had to grow up fast I had no choice. No one was looking out for me but me. I had to fight, flight and sell my soul to get this far.

I have endured things no human should ever have to endure. The rapes the beatings and most ashamedly the selling of my soul to move up in rank. Doing what I felt I needed to do in order to survive but for what so I can just exist? The joke is on me.

All I gained was years of experience in hurt, anger and fear. Never feeling worthy of being. Never seeing the value that is within me. Never allowing myself to heal. Having a hatred for myself that is a pure as sunshine. Never Living. Never taking real chances out of fear.

This year is almost over and a year it has been. I have hope for the new year as I know there are a great many changes coming both personally and globally. I can only control my reactions and not the circumstances. I am doing my best to focus on the new liberties that are presenting themselves to me.

There is one thing in this world I still want more than life. I have so many doubts and so many fears. I worry about that which I cannot control. I worry about who I can’t control. Yet its not them I wish to control it’s what is exposed to my world. I just have to find a way to keep out that which I don’t desire by not shoving out that which I do.

It’s almost Christmas/Yule time. I have thought about my mom and hope she is doing well. The compassionate side of me is still concerned for her however the realistic side of me knows that she is a trigger and I can’t go back.

I hate to be the sinner judging a sinner for sinning. Oh the hypocrisy of the blind. Self preservation comes first. Its survival instinct. I have to take care of me first. Anyways the thread that I am barely hanging on to is what I have to be grateful for.

As far as the highers well they are still there that’s why your reading this. I was perfectly fine walling in misery and self pity. They continue to encourage me even when I really don’t feel like being encouraged. I’m hurt, tired and just plain worn out. I’m so thankful they remind me I am loved.

106

Been working on taking care of things I have been needing to do for a while now and some of it just takes time. Some of it I can only do so much then its up to others. While I can only worry about my part I find myself still wanting to control when others do their part.

My trust issues while very warranted are very hindering to me. Then I have the dichotomy that I wish to be more trusting but still can’t trust anyone or anything that is not within my control.

Working toward freedom. I know its one day at a time and I am grateful for that don’t think I could handle anymore than that.

I got very frustrated the other day when I had to call a company to take care of an issue and the automated bitch they have hung up on me twice. I answered the question and it would reply if you can’t speak I will be forced to hang up. I did speak you non human non hearing fucking machine.

Separating us even further giving up more of our freedom to give them more control while they keep us occupied with the notion that we have a good life and are happy. All the while being blind to the fact that we are just slaves to a few assholes who think they own something and we fucking allow it.

Ok rant over :) I needed to get that out. I don’t know it saddens me so to see how we treat the earth and each other over a worthless piece of paper that’s only value is we allow it.

I have a few things on the burner that I am working on and awaiting for. One of those things is court for my divorce. I need to feel that I can truly move on and I can’t at the moment and this is one thing that holds me down. So waiting for it to be behind me.

Still having issues dealing with a roommate who bullies her junk on to one. I know she can’t help the way she is however she wont ever help it if she keeps refusing to see how its affecting those around her. We have tried different techniques to tell her how she takes nothing in to consideration just starts dumping her garbage on us and then repeating it over and over and over. It takes her ten minutes for her to tell you she is going to run to the store.

I mean you have to hear the entire fucking reason why she needs to go. I don’t fucking care just go already and leave me the fuck alone about it. Sad part is she really doesn’t seem to get it and other than really hurting her feelings and just being blunt as shit there is no way for me to express it. I choose not to do the latter as a promise to myself for loosing it with someone I actually do give a fuck about. I am just not sure how much longer I can refrain from such though :(

It’s never easy deciding, doing and sticking with the changes you decided to make to better yourself. Sometimes its just damn right taxing. You don’t know rather to shit or cry. I am surviving by the grace of the highers whom stick with me.

I know everything that is happening right now is to guide and direct me to that better me I am becoming. I just wish it wasn’t so aggravating at times. But got to take the bad with the good.

I may never make it to see what that light is at the end of the tunnel and I don’t care its not about where I am going its about how I am getting there. Slowly and steadily I stay on my path taking things as I can handle them.

105

I deactivated my facebook account this morning. Nothing happened or anything like that. I did it because the holidays are among us and I really just rather not have to see any of the bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not a scrooge or anything I just have some real issues with the holidays. One of the biggest issues I have is the fact that we take one time out of the year to think about how we are supposed to treat each other year around. Another issue I have is the bullshit commercialization of the whole thing.

The day after we give thanks for the things we have we stomp and kill each other over a stupid object we just haft to have to buy someones love. WTF. Seriously. Is that the level which we have chosen to express love to others? The more I buy for you the more I love you? When did money become the standard measurement of our love?

The corporations invoke the masses by selling you their garbage at a price it should normally be sold at making you think you got a deal. But what kind of deal is worth selling your soul for? The Holiday Season has become about making the rich richer and putting the poor in more debt. Its doesn’t teach love it just talks somewhat about it. Just enough to make one feel justified in their partaking.

When the Pagans celebrated Yule they would give gifts of blankets and clothing to the needy and poor. They would help shelter the homeless. Yes they would even provide a toy or two for the children. They did this because they understood one important thing that we have severely turned our backs on and that is life is more valuable than objects. The Pagans felt everyone should have the opportunity to survive the winter.

It sickens me to think how much humanity we loose as we become more civilized. People at this very moment are fighting a corporation and the government over a pipe line that could destroy the drinking water of millions of people. In China a company makes its profit selling canned air as the air quality over there is so bad there is no fresh air.

How much longer will we let the few destroy everything and we all pay for it? Why are we still allowing them to convince us this is the way life must be? When shall we ever be relieved from the burdens of possession? The body we have is not ours but it belongs to the earth. We are just borrowing it. Now our thank you to our mother is a big fat middle finger and the words fuck you attached to it. Its all about me!

Its supposed to be about we. All of earths creatures depend on each other. If we continue to allow Governments and Corporations to destroy our planet for their own selfish greed then we will all die. The system in which they created is a one way ticked to destruction. The only lives that matter to them are the ones who can afford to pay. But that’s ok you just keep thinking you have a good life and that everything is wonderful. Enjoy your fantasy land and have fun. Those who are willing to wake up to the truth will be the ones who survive.

We gave up real freedom for the illusion of it. We bathe in the blood of the innocent as though we are more than fleas fighting over who owns the dog. Will we ever actually learn to share?

If you want to make a real difference this holiday season then I would suggest to face the truth. Spread it around and help others face it. If we continue to sit on our asses they will continue to feed us bullshit.

Its time to allow humanity back into our lives. Its time for compassion. Its time for truth. Time to love.

I Stand with Standing Rock. I believe in life not profit. Please support the NODAPL effort. This pipeline could kill millions. People who have protested by form of prayer have been shot at with rubber bullets. They have had Water cannons fired at them at below freezing temperatures. A lady lost and eye.

Why are the people who did this not in Jail? Government and Corporation are breaking yet another treaty and allowing innocent peaceful protesters to be harmed. Why do we need a pipeline anyway is it not time to get away from fossil fuels and go with much cleaner alternatives? Or again are we supposed to kill ourselves so someone else can get fat?

Either you care or you don’t however do understand your affected, your family is affected and no one cares if you care or not your going to pay the same. It’s time the few understand from the masses that we’re not going to take it anymore.

104

I woke up in a pissy mood again :( I am not sure exactly what is going on. I guess it could be the time of year the weather combined with the holiday’s have me down on both the mental and physical plane.

I put some tunes on, smoked a couple of bowls and allowed myself to relax. The mental has eased off a bit. Now if I can just get the damn physical to do the same lol.

I watched a movie the other day and the lady asked a guy if he was raised in a barn? I immediately had thought about how I was brought up. Thinking about being raised in a barn would have been an upgrade from the cabin I was in. Comparatively the cabin was just a big dog house. There was only room for a bunk bed. We had enough room to store the broom for sweeping our floor and a couple of rakes for raking the camp before we left for breakfast every morning.

I remember sitting by the door when it was raining out smoking and watching the storm. I sometimes had wished that lightning would strike me and end the world in which I lived.

Youth Estates was right outside Brunswick Ga. We were near the swamp lands. We would get eaten alive by the bugs just about year round as it never got really cold down there. I remember at times I would go and find a tree climb up as high as I could find a nice branch and sit and smoke for hours and hours. I would end up getting in trouble for being gone like that but it was the only time I felt safe.

Its almost surreal to think about my upbringing at times. Like it was just a really bad dream that had a few decent parts. Sometimes I feel that way about my life now. I keep thinking I’ll wake up and this hellish nightmare will be over with.

When I do I have to stop take a moment and realize that I have to keep going the way I choose and not the way circumstances try to make me choose. I have to choose to control only what I can and let go of that which I cannot.

Again though things could be much worse and I am so thankful that they are not. I am doing all I can to maintain the attitude Smile and Think Positive. Thank you for that Michele. I’m grateful for your light in my cruel dark world.

Grateful to the highers for their ever encouragement and willingness to always help when needed. We have worked hard and I have come a long way. I know the down times are necessary to allow one to focus on what needs to be done next. So I ask to help me to receive these lessons gracefully, gently, lovingly and peacefully.

I don’t need to worry about that which is beyond my control. I have to continue to focus on that which is. Its a daily struggle and lately it’s been a hard struggle. I still believe and I still improve. I know I’m being forged. I’ll just be glad when its time to shine lol. Rub me buff me that I can handle I think ;)

I’m working on it. Even when I really don’t feel like it. I was horrible to someone who was kind I owe it to me to never be him again. So I continue to do my best. Some day’s I’m strong and some days not so much. Each day is its own.

Reaching for higher self is not always a pleasant ride. You have to drive through a bunch of garbage and clean it out of the way. Sometimes the garbage is just nasty and it stinks but you have to clean it anyways.

One of the best memories I do have from Youth Estate was because there was a lot of swamp land around us and us being boys we had acres of mud to play in. :) We didn’t have bikes or anything like that we walked or waddled through the mud. Sometimes we would be chest deep in it. I can still remember the feeling of being free during those times. Not a care in the world other than exploring the swamp.

Even though it was a dog house I am grateful I grew up in the wilderness for that moment in my life. It really gave me an appreciation and respect for nature. I’m so glad I have that appreciation and respect because so many don’t anymore. We moved away from the wilderness to become civilized.

Now Corporations serve us our food. We have allowed them to disconnect us from our food and from nature. This shift has deadened our humanity even more. We have put blind trust into people who’s only concern is the almighty dollar.

When will Life be more valuable than the objects of life? When will we look at each other and not see an adversary but another person just trying to do life? We all just want peace and to have a decent living so why are corporations and governments so against this?

I think we would all get along just fine with out the following hindrances:

Law – When will we rise above the need?

Corporations – When will we see feeding a few and starving the masses is not a life promoting plan?

Politics – When will we learn to govern ourselves and treat others with respect?

Religion – When will we grow beyond others telling us how to behave?

I really think that with those four things outlawed we the people would be much better off. But what do I know I’m mental whats your excuse?

Life is what it is. I can only do the best I can with what I have. Not what I’m going to have or what I used to have but only what is within me now. I continue the struggle with faith in knowing its going to all work out.

103

Been going through a roller coaster here lately. While things are going well things are not going how I hoped. One instance is when I went to file for my dissolution for my divorce I was informed I would have to appear in court. That isn’t so bad but both of us would have to appear in court for a dissolution. I know Erica doesn’t have the funds to drive all the way down here just to go to court so I had to change the dissolution to a straight out divorce. As a divorce only the plaintiff needs to appear in court.

Its not what I thought a dissolution was. I thought both parties singed the paper work in agreement to dissolve the marriage and the judge justs signs off on it. Well that is not the way it is here. I guess over all its the same difference but I do know the divorce is fifty dollars more and I only had the 250 for the dissolution.

When I was told this I almost lost it in the court house. I could only see the negativity of being stopped in my tracks and feeling like I had thousands of times before. Everytime I try to do the right thing in my life I get kicked in the fucking face.

I felt like throwing my hands up and saying fuck it just take me out back and shoot me I’m tired of your fucking world and don’t want it anymore. Fortunately the highers were whispering to me it will all work out. I know it will however I really wish I didn’t have to keep getting kicked in the face.

Doing my best to stay focused and to stay positive however at the moment I am on a very thin line. I’m so tired of life I truly don’t want to ever do life again. I’m done with it. I’ll do my time and when its over its going to remain that way forever.

Sorry if this one isn’t as uplifting as most have been lately. I’m really struggling to keep that Smile and Stay Positive. I know its all going to work out or it wont not really to concerned either way anymore. I’m tired of wanting better just to get a big fat boot in the face. I truly don’t know if I can handle it anymore.

102

In life tragic things happen that help us to think of where we are going and why. The past few weeks have not been as good as I would have liked them to be. Someone I knew was killed. I had to spend my holiday without my family. And to top it off I'm still in limbo in a few areas as I have to wait for other things first.

Its been emotional however I feel that I have done a good job of handling it all. While I am sad and hurt I am also very grateful at the same time. I know things could be much worse and I am so glad they are not. I still have the highers here with me encouraging me to continue this difficult road.

I decided a while back I wanted different in my life. That meant I had to do different. I am continually doing just that. I may not be where I desire to be or even have those things I desire to have but I am not where I used to be and that is what matters most.

Still I have impatience yet I am learning how to handle it differently. It was always easy before to just start blaming the world for my misfortunes. Now I am learning to accept my part and not that which belongs to others. Yes I would still like to have everything yesterday but now I realize I have to be ready for them more than I think I am.

I continue to do my part in maturing my mind. I am happy with me and where I am at and the direction I have chosen to go. I am proud of the accomplishments I have recently made however it was not just I but those who supported me as well. We have worked hard and have made real progress. Thank you.

I woke up the other morning feeling very pissy. I am not exactly sure why and don't believe it matters now. For about three hours I was just pissy with the world. Nothing felt right.

While I was in the garage having a smoke the cat came in and started rubbing her head on my leg so I reached down and started petting her. She was in heaven lol. She then proceeded to jump on the couch next to me and crawl up on my lap. The most beautiful part about it was the fact that I had released my pissiness do to the fact that I was sharing love with another animal.

When I recognized this I stopped and thanked the highers for such a wonderful moment and lesson. No matter how one feels just keep sharing love. Ironically the rest of my day was good. Nothing else happened or anything just the appreciation of a selfless moment spent petting a cat.

It was a moment that reminded me to remember when looking in gets to much to bear then its time to start looking out and see results of your growth. To appreciate everything that got you to that moment.

I'm glad I still have the capacity to not only learn new things but to understand them as well. Every moment will bring us growth if we allow it. I've been tore down enough now is my rising from those ashes.

Keep the engine running :) remember always Smile and Think Positive. Thank you for the lessons and I'm so grateful they are coming to me gently, gracefully and lovingly.  

101

Death is never an easy thing to handle. Especially the death of a child. Recently a young man I knew was killed. This happened sometime last week. His body was found in an abandoned building Sunday night. He was only sixteen years old.

To his family there is just not words to express my deepest condolences. I would not even want to try to imagine the pain you must feel.

So many times I have taken for granted my own life. Not caring if I died. Not living. The changes I have been so working on the past few months has giving me a new perspective of my own life. I have learned to appreciate it.

This sixteen year old hadn't even started to live life. Now he won't ever have the chance. While it's easy to blame the gunman who shot him its harder to accept our own responsibility for it. We have bought into a system that is designed to kill us.

We have allowed a system of possession to run our lives. A long time ago we traded human value for a possession. To own something but here is the real sad part. You never actually own it. You only are leasing it.

Land will be here after you go and someone else will lease it. Don't pay the taxes on your property and the county will auction it off. Cloths you wear will either rip and tear and become rags or trash or they could end up as hand me downs again possession goes to someone else.

We kill each other for a worthless piece of paper that you can't even eat. We raise our children to buy into this world of corruption. How many more must pay the price for our ignorance? When will we evolve from this barbaric state of man?

It is Thanksgiving time here in America. A day we take to be thankful for what we have. However we don't think of the price paid for that. The land we stole. The people we sold. The slaves we owned. The bombs we dropped. We don't think about the countless lives that were unnecessarily killed for that which we think we have. We are fleas fighting over who owns the dog.

This holiday will never be the same for this poor family. Such a tragic loss of life. I ask the highers to give them comfort and peace. Wrap the family in love and absorb their pain. May we one day grow up and stop all this childish behavior so no more family's will have to suffer the same fate.

100

Things have been going well lately and I am so grateful for that fact. I sent Erica the paperwork for our divorce and she signed everything and sent it back. I have started to experience more peace than I have in a very long time. Yet this morning I find myself aggravated.

The lighter that doesn't want to light, the sleep that refuses to happen. The desires I still struggle letting go of. The timing of some recent events. All have me aggravated. I'm not ungrateful for the things that have gone the way they should. Its those things I don't think are going the way I think they should be going.

Its hard to let go of the control and just let life happen. I have some major trust issues not just with people but with life itself. I am doing my very best to continue on this positive tract as I know its the only salvation I truly will have.

Still I have to allow myself to be patient with things and honestly its wearing very thin. I currently have a roommate who I find myself getting very tense every time she comes around. She is a nice enough person and is harmless for the most part. She reminds me of my mom some what needing the world to revolve around her. No matter how much you try to change a subject it always goes back to her.

I just cut my mom off for the same behavior. Honestly though the roommate isn't as bad as my mom thankfully but the behaviors that are there I find are being triggers for me. Its causing me stress where I really don't need it. At home.

Its a martyr syndrome this person has. She does so much for so little, blah blah blah. I sometimes want to build a cross and put it in the back yard so when she starts talking about her crap I can tell her to go ahead and crucify herself and leave the rest of us alone. I get she has had a rough life as well but she really does bully her shit on others. But I guess we all do in our own way.

I'm so much a recluse that I have this outlet here and that's about it. I do have the highers and I have my therapist. Both whom help tremendously. Of course I have gone through a lot of changes and I am pretty exhausted. Put that with the very little sleep I have been getting and yeah it makes since I'm getting more aggravated. I'm not getting any rest.

Still things are happening in a timely manner and I just have to figure out how to allow myself to rest. Ever so grateful to the highers who continue to stand with me, beside me and support me. Thank you who do the same :)

99

There are things we have in our past that we don't always care to look at. Those moments when we hurt others and were selfish, ungrateful and had no care. Looking back at moments like that can make one feel like a bad person however it doesn't mean you are.

I'm a good person who made some bad choices and because of those bad choices I am able to make better ones. However the process takes two things: first is the honestly to realize your selfish behavior and the second is to want to change it.

We cannot grow into our higher selves if we deny those parts of us that are less than honorable. I couldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for my willingness to be honest with me and to look at that dark side and go ok how do I improve it.

I can't erase those things all I can do is forgive myself for them and allow myself to learn from them so I don't repeat the behavior. When I didn't want to face my past or the undesirable things I have done. I was depressed, hurt and angry all the time. I wanted a better life than that so I chose to have it.

Taking that honest look at myself was a bit painful and I had to face some harsh realities about myself. But I also kept in mind that I can change it. I may not be able to control situations around me however I can change the way I accept them. I don't have to be the person I was yesterday.

The highers have been rejoicing with me that I am doing the things I need to for becoming that higher self. I follow the path I asked them to assist me in finding. I'm so grateful that they have. Its not always easy though and there are times I should be thinking of them instead of trying to wallow in my own pity.

Facing those negative things about myself has also helped with the feeling of peace that I have. The calmness that is taking over ever so diligently and necessarily. Letting it all go and Opening myself up. Its a great process.

Things are coming together gently and gracefully and I am so appreciative of that. Keeping my gratitude alive has shown me how to be contempt. Again its just keeping my focus on where I desire to be and not where I was. Looking back is important but its not meant to be something you dwell on. Instead let it be the reminder of why you are going the way you are.

Smile and Keep Positive

98

I'm grateful for the week I have been having. While not a perfect week its been a pleasant one. I am enjoying more peace and allowing life to just happen. Letting go does not mean loosing control it means releasing the thought of control. After all we can only truly control ourselves.

It is a learned process however and some just don't bother to try. I have started this climb with only one intention Getting me at a better place with me. I am accomplishing that. I've lost a lot of things trying to control and it saddens me to think of those I have hurt trying to demand it.

However the sadness I have is in no way negative. Its part of the drive to keep me focused. Knowing I have done things that I wish I had not and hurt people I wish I had not, now is used to encourages me to continue this drive to healing and now serves as another helper. It is teaching me how to not hurt others.

It reminds me to slow down and look at the reality of a situation and not my perceived reality of it. It also helps keep me humble in my thoughts. Helping me to not place myself better than others but only better than I used to be.

I'm heading to the camp today to shut it down for the season. We are supposed to have our first real below freezing snap this weekend so I want to get everything set for it.

Winter reminds us that its time to clean the fields and enjoy what we have. I have been doing this literally with my luggage. Cleaning out that which no longer serves me, Removing that which is not mine, and allowing gratitude to take their place.

In letting things go that do not serve me and are not myne I am taking back control of me. The only thing I can truly control. The process has taught me humility and has helped lighten my heart.

I'm learning to accept that which I have no control over and I am learning to accept the decision's others make. I'm learning to turn my hurt into gratefulness. Grateful that I had the opportunity to learn something. I admit I'm not always grateful especially at the moment of disappointment but I am learning who I am through them. As the process continues I improve as long as I continue to allow it.

Just ever grateful for the opportunities that present themselves to me in this life. I give thanks to the highers who are helping me to see.

97

Sometimes a situation happens to show you where you are. Recently I ran into a situation where I started to become anxious. I was starting to try and control things when it dawned on me. I immediately released it and allowed it to happen.

Six months ago I wouldn't have caught that moment. I'm proud of me for doing so this time and very happy the highers graced me with that moment. Our work is paying off ;)

The election is over and I'm for one am glad I wont have to hear anymore about it. It really doesn't matter who is elected as they are only a face for the public. The real decisions are made by others in the background where they do not want us to focus. If they actually wanted change they wouldn't keep the election as is where its who's the most popular and not the most qualified. :(

Holidays are approaching us quickly and I'm not really looking forward to them. I do appreciate the opportunity to spend time with loved ones however its all the societal and retail bullshit that it has became a major turn off for me. First we need to treat each other with love and respect year around and not just during the holidays.

I really wish we as a nation would just stand up to those who would keep us oppressed. Retail stores don't care if you go broke because of the pressure to buy gifts to show you “Care” They don't care if you can't afford it all they care about is themselves. Business is not in the market to help further humanity. Business is in the market to destroy who ever gets in the way of profit.

Several more states have just passed legal recreational marijuana. Seems that the Federal Government is going to have to do something with its policy on Marijuana with so many states legalizing it and why shouldn't they. Lets face it the taxes alone are worth the price of legalization. Time to take it off the schedule list and allow people to do what they desire to themselves.

Ohio passed a medical marijuana bill a while back however its not so much to allow people the right to a medicine as it was the state trying to control the people. You can only have it in oil form you cannot grow your own and you can still be fired for failing a drug test. WTF. Where in any other place can a person be fired for a prescription? Have we allowed the insurance companies to just completely fuck us while we smile? Does the Government have a right to dictate to the medical community the care they can give?

Ohio basically said that only those who can afford the oils can have access to this medicine the rest of us who cannot are discriminated against because we are poor. Now get back on the opiates like good little sheep and shut the fuck up. Thanks Ohio Government I am glad to know that profit means more to you than humanity.

Anyways enough of that bullshit lol. I sent off to my ex the paperwork to get our divorce. Actually a dissolution but same difference. I sent her a message on facebook and asked her for her mailing address so I could send her the paperwork. She replied and I mailed it yesterday.

This is a big step for me as far as continuing to become a free me. Releasing those things that no longer serve me. I wish Erica the very best. However its best if we just continue to move on.

Still releasing some hurts and pains and sometimes its not as relieving as one would hope. Sometimes it brings up other hurts and pains and its at that moment you have to remember why you are here to begin with. Its a moment that says step back and look at the bigger picture. When we choose to listen and do so we see that we are so much closer to our goal than we thought. A moment to help you see that you have grown.

My journey continues in the certainty of uncertainty. So much has happened the last six months and I have witnessed first hand real miracles. I am so grateful to have that opportunity. Seeing the miracles and appreciating them has opened my eyes to how truly blessed I really am. Thank you all for that gift. I pray you can enjoy it with me :)

96

Took the week off as my body has just been aching. I have been at a very good place lately emotionally. I am feeling that peace I so have been wanting back in my life. So it would figure that my body is going to ache and cause me issues lol.

Oh well such is the price of young stupidity. Did things I knew I probably shouldn't and now the pain is there to remind me. I have received and filled out the paperwork for me to get a dissolution from my ex so that I can continue this trip down freedom lane.

I continue to keep my focus on my healing and I have to say I am so grateful that the highers have been walking with me the whole way. I sat the other day and thought man I have come a long way in a relatively short amount of time. However I still have a ways to go and that's when the thought hit me why am I trying to control my destiny? At first I didn't get what I was thinking but then it dawned on me.

I became focused on how much I feel I have left to change to be the person I desire to be and by doing so I was going to go where my focus was. That would lead to anxiety and then to depression again. It doesn't matter how far I have come or how far I have to go what matters is where I am at now.

I can't change tomorrow for it has not come. I cannot change yesterday for it has already passed. I can only change the now. In order to heal the past I have to do it now and not worry about how much healing has to be done just that its getting done.

When you have spent your life trying to get back a control you feel you lost as a child do to circumstances way beyond your control you tend to feel control is owed to you. I know its not and I can only control one thing, Myself.

I cannot control others or their choices and nor do I wish to anymore. I have allowed that to move away from me as it does not serve me. My mother is an example of why I can no longer try to control the choices of others. While I choose to love her it has to be from a distance and probably with no more contact. I wish her well but cannot allow her to drain me anymore.

Being around an energy vampire just drains so much out of a person. I don't want to have to deal with that kind of drain again. Its literally has taken me years to get to a point where I just had to allow myself to move on.

Now that I am I have no intentions of going back. I just cannot afford it for my own sanity. I've been releasing a lot of things lately and the relaxing feeling I have been getting because of such has me just want to keep going.

Gathering this new peace is allowing me to remove the hatred and anger that was caused by pain. As I heal the wounds the peace settles in deeper and deeper. I have come to acceptance and its not always been a easy thing for me. However at this point in my life there is just no need to not accept things the way they are.

I have hopes, dreams and desires but the only thing that is driving me is my wanting to be better and keeping my focus on staying positive and smiling. Knowing that I will have those things when the time is right and not letting myself try to manipulate an outcome. Better is the unexpected outcome then a determined one.

As each day unfolds itself I gladly am learning to just accept what is. Still letting those things go and keeping my focus on me. Living gratefully instead of hatefully.

95

Sometimes dreams and desires are not meant to happen for a reason. While we may not always see or understand the reason we have to learn to accept that fact.

As we grow and get older we find that desires and dreams change. We change. We don't live as cutting edge as we once did. Realizing that a dream or a desire may not be the best thing for you is a bit painful. You at that point know its time to allow it to move on and for you to set your sites on something more tangible.

Holding on doesn't do any good as it doesn't serve you any. Let go and open up. Something I am constantly telling myself at the moment. Letting go of those things that no longer serve me to open up for the things that do and will.

It doesn't matter what events take place in the future. That has nothing to do with how I receive it. Its up to me to make the best of the situation not let the situation control me. I continue to step.

Learning can be quite painful at times. The painful lessons are the ones that stick out the most in ones mind and that is where your perspective is gained. We view the world around us through our eyes of pain.

This gives us a very dim view of the world. We see nothing but more painful situations. I've decided on something for me to help me change that. I am going to be free and its already begun.

Love is a wonderful idea however I just really need to learn to be a friend. I have to let go of expectations and desires. I continue to ask the highers to help me release these things that no longer serve me and allow me to continue to grow into this higher being of me.

Letting go is painful but afterwords is freedom. A little pain now for a whole lot of freedom later is worth it for me. We all have to find our own way. We should be respectful of the way a person has chosen for themselves and allow them to do what they need for them without our interference.

Can't say I'm completely positive at the moment I really wish I was. But I can say that I can no longer fear the unknown and am learning to embrace it. Painful lessons can take a bit out of you however its up to you to refuel. I'm learning how to fill myself and not allow others to fill me.

Yes its a bit scary to think that I could be totally alone when my time comes but you know what I'm already there. I've been such a recluse that I shut myself out from everything. I can't be scared of dying hell I haven't even lived. I have been dead.

I don't know exactly where life is going to take me nor do I need to. I just need to know that I am capable of accepting that which lays before me. I intend to make the very best of it.

I can already start to feel the freedom replacing those chains. I give praise to the highers for this moment. :)

94

Each day of healing brings a new challenge. As I am learning to change the core beliefs I have instilled into me for the last 30 plus years. I come to a place where I am starting to like me a lot more than I had previously. I feel more at peace with each day passing. I still have things I have to let go of but I am getting there.

Its hard to keep focus sometimes especially when your like me oh shiny and there goes my attention. Thankfully I haven't had much issue with it but I have had a few instances where for a moment it was not looking to good.

A few months ago those moments would have turned into episodes and me being Mr Negative. Thankfully the highers have been showing me the triggers and I am learning to handle them more appropriately.

I had some resentment letters I had started a while back that I had to stop as it was backfiring and making me more angry to think of the resentments. I then decided that it was probably best to just release everyone and replace that with gratitude.

I'm still waiting for a decision on my disability. I'm supposed to have a hearing sometime I am just not sure when. I know it could take up to another year and I am so hoping not but if it does it does. I have no control over that.

It does suck though when you look at your life and see the things you nor your body can no longer do. And while its simple to slip into that negative thinking when you see this happening you have to remember the things you still can do.

At the same time I can do things now I could not do back then. So its a trade off. I am so looking forward to being able to start the plan I have for my future. However I have to wait for the right time. I since I have a little bit more healing that needs to be done before I am fully ready.

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn something new about me and life. Still impatient as hell though so its a bit of a struggle however I feel great about it.

Taking one step at a time and if I fall back a few I'm still a few steps ahead of where I was. I've lost and I have gained its a perfect balance.  

93

Giving praise to the highers the other day when I was told to make sure I praise myself as well. They reminded me that they can only do their part its up to me to do my part and I have been.

So often we forget to praise ourselves for our accomplishments. To remember the good we done the job we completed or the smile we helped someone have. Part of Loving yourself is appreciating you and all you do.

Healing takes time and allowing oneself to do so properly can take even more time but the end result is so worth it. I'm not even there yet and I am already enjoying the process.

Its also a learning process and during healing pain still lingers. I have to be mindful that its all part of the process and not get stuck looking at the tree's. I am learning to let go so I can open up.

I'm grateful I have the ability to do so. I continue my struggle with the hope that soon the struggle will become a speck in the rear view mirror of life. I search for my own contentment and peace. I walk my journey and I do so with my head held high.

Only when you are willing to loose can you be ready to gain. When we appreciate what we have no matter how little in our eyes we start to see it expand. Keeping my focus on that which I can control and removing it from that which I cannot.

92

So one of my big apprehensions has fruitioned and I am very happy about it. Receiving that has helped a little more of my stress go away. I also had a very good session with Melissa today. We talked about me keeping my focus on bettering me.

I am just so blessed right now and more importantly I'm very grateful for it. The highers have really pulled a rabbit out of the hat so to speak and I plan on taking full advantage of the opportunity. However its one day at a time and healing one pain at a time.

In this process of healing I'm learning more about me than I initially knew. I have started gathering that peace I was so looking for and am enjoying it. I am learning to change that core value of I'm not worthy to I am deserving.

I have several shitty core values to change however again one at a time. I have to remember that slow and steady wins the race. I cannot keep running everything over.

As I stated before in my blog I have a new direction I am going in life. I have come up with a plan that I honestly feel is just perfect for me. I am keeping my focus on that plan and what I need to do to prepare myself for such.

I'm getting more excited about things again however I am not allowing that excitement to catapult me into danger again. I am riding my brake lol

Melissa and I discussed things I can keep focused on until somethings happen to allow me to continue to move forward with my plan.

Just been so grateful for the miracles that I have been so blessed with and actually enjoying them and not focusing on that which I don't have. There are a great many things I desire and I know I will get them. Until that time however I have to continue to learn to enjoy me.

I continue to pray for healing for others and myself. I continue to thank the highers for not only listening to my petitions but also helping me to achieve those goals. While the changes I am making are for myself. I am grateful to be able to bring real honor to those who support me. Those around me with daily support, Melissa my therapist with emotional support, Michele my enlightenment and The Highers who are my guidance.

Blessed are we all when we really stop to appreciate it ;)

91

Sometimes you wait to hear something that will help direct your decisions for the path you wish to take and sometimes the answer leaves you with even more confusion. Normally it wouldn't be so bad but considering this is something I have felt that I truly want I'm just dumbfounded.

Being split over something can be worse than just picking a direction and going. Its worse when you have several other things that you are wishing to accomplish. But everything gets put on hold because your torn about what to do.

In this direction I have chosen to take I find myself having to make a decision that is going to be very painful either way I choose. I'm beginning to see now I am not going to be able to have both the main desires I have.

Of course because I am so confused I'm not even sure if that is right. And to top it off I am not feeling well physically right now. My stomach and my head are fighting over which one gets to kill me :( both are winning :( not to mention my normal aches and pains.

Again I just look to the highers and ask them to please direct me to the path that will lead me to my higher self. I know sacrifices must be made. So what ever sacrifice needs to be made help me to make it gracefully gently and lovingly.

I will give myself a small pat on the back. I have not allowed the confusing to direct me off of the main course I am on and that is becoming the me I know me to be.

I know me and I know I can jump the gun before I know all the facts and this time I am not jumping the gun nor am I just sitting and waiting for someone else to take the wheel. I am diligently praying for and asking for the guidance that is needed to help me achieve a higher self. I ask them to help me to allow that to move on which no longer serves me and not let me throw away the things that do. Again gently gracefully lovingly. Thank you.

90

Ever got caught in the middle of a situation or an argument between two people you really rather not. Not because you don't care or anything just because either way your going to loose and be wrong in someones eyes. Having those kinds of moments really causes a lot of stress.

Stress is something I have really been working on removing as its one of my big triggers. Once I get to a point there is no return. So I have been extra cautious of the amount of stress I allow myself to receive. If not then staying positive is out the window.

I have a few apprehensions that are causing me enough stress just on what I am personally dealing with on my own. Waiting is one of those things that really gets me apprehensive especially when one is waiting on the Government.

Struggling to keep my moment of calm and remember what it is I can do and what I don't have to wait for. I sat out under the Super Moon on the 16^th and just prayed for healing for myself and others. I am working hard on keeping my focus where it needs to be and not necessarily where I wish it to be.

I continue to thank the highers who stick with me and continue to encourage me to move forward. Re training the brain is a lot of work and takes an enormous mount of conscience effort. It also takes the right support. I thankfully have what I need for support.

I ask that the highers help me to gracefully and graciously remove that which no longer serves me and I ask that everything that is needed for this new leg in my journey will be provided in a timely manner.

89

Every now and then opportunities present themselves and its up to us to grab them. However its not ok for us to have an expectation. A lesson I am learning the hard way unfortunately.

Regardless of what plans I have for my future and rather they fruition or not the important thing is that I am setting real goals for myself. I am doing what I can to achieve them. Somethings I am limited on but those that I am not can be dealt with now. I am doing that.

I have been praying heavily to the highers lately to help me succeed in being that person I know me to be. I have also been doing my part. I am not asking them to do for me but to help me do for me. They have and I am grateful and thankful to them.

I am allowing myself to heal those old wounds and to not pick at them again. I have a lot of thought challenges to continue to make and will be putting all my efforts into doing just that.

In healing one must want it. I never understood that I needed healing before. I had always found a way to justify my behavior. Even though I truly didn't understand that it was a serious mental illness I somehow managed to lie to myself about the seriousness of it.

The first few months after being properly diagnosed took me through some confirmations of where certain behaviors are coming from however I didn't know how to stop them. I continued them and messed up bad again.

Now however I'm in the healing stage. Learning to allow myself to heal. I'm learning to let go. It's a hard challenge for me but I know I am doing this. Releasing things has helped me set goals and not look behind so much.

I continue with the motto a beautiful soul once shared with me Smile and be positive Not always and easy task for me who has believed in shitty core beliefs about himself most of his life. But the inspiration of it has now become my engine.

I do say the inspiration and not the inspirator. I can not allow anyone to be the engine again. I have to allow myself to grow not based on how I view the treatment of me by others. While I'm so thankful to Michele for the things she has shown me its up to me to display them appropriately.

Now I know I have value and that tied in with my desire to change for and live for me, I choose to keep my focus on the healing of me. Because healing me will allow me to heal others instead of hurt them.

88

To my Father for the benefit of my own sanity and my own peace of mind I release you of any debt I feel owed to me. I do so not for your benefit but for my own.

To my Mother for the benefit of my own sanity and my own peace of mind I release you of any debt I feel owed to me. I do so not for your benefit but for my own.

To those who sat watched and did nothing for the benefit of my own sanity and my own peace of mind I release you of any debt I feel owed to me. I do so not for your benefit but for my own.

To those who have harmed me in some way for the benefit of my own sanity and my own peace of mind I release you of any debt I feel owed to me. I do so not for your benefit but for my own.

To those I have harmed in some way. I ask that you forgive me not for my benefit but for yours. I never intentionally meant to cause you pain. I am ashamed of my actions toward you.

To myself I forgive me for my mistakes. I allow myself to learn from them. To prevent them from happening again. To love me inspite of them.

I choose to not be he who I had become. I am relinquishing my anger and allowing my wounds to heal. I ask the highers to take these from me and help me replace them with gratitude. Gracefully, gently and mercifully. I pray you help bring comfort and healing to those I have harmed and allow them to hurt no more. Bless them and bring their heart back to light.

87

Something very unexpected recently happened and I'm not sure where I am at with it. I have very mixed emotions right now and am working so hard with the highers to help me in changing some of those core beliefs I have had for the last 40 plus years.

I have placed my sights in bettering me and being the me I know I am. I am very up and down and have been working to find that middle ground. To obtain that inner peace again and be the listener I once was.

Bad mistakes yeah I've made a few. Still make them unfortunately. I am learning to forgive myself for them and to not do them again. In hurting myself I have hurt innocent others. A pain I cannot remove.

I'm grateful to learn but never wanted it to be at the cost of others :(

Keeping my focus on my healing and releasing of my anger and resentments. Replacing them with gratitude and a change of attitude. The journey continues and I am so grateful to the highers for that.  

86

Letting go has never been easy for me. I take things way to personally for my own good and as someone I admire pointed out I grab the wrong conclusions and run full steam ahead :(

I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted to be something more than I was but really didn't know how. I forced my crap on others do to the fact that I have been carrying this load for way to long and have so much pilled on top of it. It became out of my hands.

I'm learning to let those things go that I don't need. Its a slow process and I'm to impatient for my own good. I wish to lighten this burden gracefully, gently and mercifully.

Movement continues even though it appears slow to me at the moment. My heart aches but not for myself. It aches for her the one I caused trouble for with my inability to understand how to control the disease. Anger was never a feeling I meant to leave her with but I guess it wasn't about what I wanted.

I shut her out not even realizing it. I am doing my best to learn from that mistake. I'm very sad right now but its actually a positive sadness. I choose to honor her and allow her to never know pain from me again.

My dear friend may you be blessed three fold. My love for you remains however I realize now I don't need what I so badly wanted in my life right now. I am still figuring out this healing thing and that has to be where my focus is.

I am preparing myself for this new chapter I have begun. I have some amazing plans lined up for me. I am doing this in the hopes that I can stop hurting me so that I can learn to stop hurting others.

I do dedicate this new chapter to Michele who has inspired me and helped me build the confidence I need to do this walk. I again only wish to bring her honor.

I'm ashamed enough of my treatment to her to change it as to never do it to another. Asking the highers to help me gracefully and gently let the anger and resentments go. To release them so they may be replaced with gratitude.

Allow me the ability to actually listen again and just not hear. Help me be.

85

Been a quiet week as I have been just working on plans for my future and dealing with my disease. I was recently asked to tone down by someone cause others may find my words offensive.

This bothers me. I'm sorry some are so easily offended because they are just pussies however why is it I have to change for others and not them change for me? Why is it I have to worry about being offensive when no one worries about offending me?

I was raised to say Merry Christmas but now they want us to say Happy Holidays as Christmas maybe offensive to some I find this offensive but who the fuck cares right. You know what I say Grow the fuck up assholes. Again others expect you to change for them but they are not willing to accept you or even change for you. FUCK THEM

Sorry but it just makes me mad. People always expect the wounded to run and hide in a corner and not be seen or heard because we may offend someone. If I have said or done anything to Offend YOU then get the fuck over it. No I will not change for those who wont change for me.

Now that I am done with that I would like to say that I'm getting a bit impatient as I wait. Not that I can do anything immediately anyway but having the ability to do so would sure take the pressure off.

Keeping my sites on my goal has been helping me calm down. I still get upset as you can see but I said what I needed and I am moving on. As far as my plans well lets just say until they can come off of hold I just have to wait (impatiently) ;) lol

I thank the highers for their continued support. I thank them for the next phase that is already in progress

84

Had a good session with my therapist today. We covered some things I am to incorporate in my life to help me defeat the negative thought pattern that I have grown so accustomed to doing.

Getting more excited about the idea and I'm so ready to start this next stage. However a few things must be done first so unfortunately patience is required on my part.

Going to the camp this weekend. Maybe the last weekend We get there this year. Will have to see. Looking forward to some nature time. I had to put away the resentment letters for a bit as it was starting to backfire. As I would think of things more things would pop up and start pissing me off all over again. So decided ok just breath for a few.

Still having a hard time of letting Michele go. I only want the best for her. I am keeping myself occupied with other thoughts as much as possible to help mend the wound I created.

Knowing you have issues and knowing how to resolve them are not always so easy. What works for one doesn't work for the other so it's hit and miss. I have tried somethings with a little success and something's with major failures.

I wish I have had a better grip on this before however it doesn't stop me from getting one now. It's a slow process but a process it is. Growing is painful no matter how you look at it. I have been learning to allow the scared little boy in me heal.

Its always easy to throw in the towel and not face shit but the alternatives are not any better. So we have to keep going even when we don't feel like it. Fortunately for me I have found some direction and am beginning to see things turn for and within me.

Again its a process and I have to be patient. Asking the highers to help me gracefully and gently accept that which is coming ahead and to allow those things to fall behind that are in the past.  

83

Been taking some time to get myself together. I have been working on getting out my resentments and trying to move past them. I have been preparing myself for this next phase that will becoming soon.

I have lived my whole life for someone else. To make others happy. To be the go to guy. Feeling guilty when I failed to meet the standard in which they have placed on me.

Irony two of the people who judged me the harshest are exactly the reason I am the way I am. No I don't do what you expect how the fuck am I supposed to? You abandoned me, You left me in the woods for the wolves. I act the way I was brought up and get judged by those who have no fucking clue.

Everyone expects ME to CHANGE for them well FUCK YOU. I am who I am and I am happy with who I am if you are not then the problem is YOUR problem and not myne. If you were happy with your life you wouldn't have time to notice myne.

Sorry for the anger but sometimes it just need to get out. However I am not angry :) I for the first time ever have a vision for me that I am really looking forward to setting into a reality.

Forever grateful for my highers who continue to amaze me with their love.  

82

Seems the Black Moon has done its magic ;)

I have come up with something today that I'm not going to say just what it is yet but for the first time in a long time I am super stoked about something and really looking forward to doing it.

The idea hit me like a ton of bricks and I do believe the highers are on board because right after the idea I saw 333 and 444.

I'm still working on the resentment letters but had to take a few days off. I don't want to get the resentments to restless or it would not be good. Now that I have a new vision in my life I really think this is going to be the beginning of the BEST of my life

I can't wait to tell my therapist about it. I have a feeling she is going to think its a wonderful idea. For now though I will keep things quiet and just keep doing what I need to do for my healing and this idea will definitely help with that.

I am just so grateful right now that I really don't know what else to say. I will say this though I am about to LIVE my life.