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Had one good thing happen to me over the past few weeks that is the only thing that has been right. Seems like most of everything else has gone wayward. I’m so very frustrated about it all at the moment.

I spent yesterday with my oldest daughter and my grandson. I really had a good time being with the grandson. However a part of me was very sad about it as well. Seeing the innocence through the eyes of the wounded.

I’m not on my meds at the moment as the doctors office has yet to get my prescription refilled. I called twice last week before I was out but I guess they wanted me to do with out because I am. It frustrates me when I do the right thing and still get shit on. Kinda takes the incentive out of it.

Doing my best to keep my focus on the positive but so damn hard right now with all the negative that is just twisting my emotions. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother why not just throw in the towel and call it a fucked up life and end it.

So hard to keep positive when Murphy’s Law is the life you have. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself or maybe I really am getting to the end of my rope with dealing. I’m sorry I just see very little value in Life. All I see is an accident that should have never ever happened.

But I’m hurt and my views are based through those eyes. I have so much I am so grateful for such as spending time with my Daughter and Grandson. It was a very refreshing moment when it was needed. I’m just afraid it wasn’t enough :(

Again though I have to do my best to keep my focus on what it is I have set out to do. I’m just not doing a very good job of that at the moment.

I grew up in a very different world than most Americans. I was forced to be on my own by the age of 8. I had to grow up fast I had no choice. No one was looking out for me but me. I had to fight, flight and sell my soul to get this far.

I have endured things no human should ever have to endure. The rapes the beatings and most ashamedly the selling of my soul to move up in rank. Doing what I felt I needed to do in order to survive but for what so I can just exist? The joke is on me.

All I gained was years of experience in hurt, anger and fear. Never feeling worthy of being. Never seeing the value that is within me. Never allowing myself to heal. Having a hatred for myself that is a pure as sunshine. Never Living. Never taking real chances out of fear.

This year is almost over and a year it has been. I have hope for the new year as I know there are a great many changes coming both personally and globally. I can only control my reactions and not the circumstances. I am doing my best to focus on the new liberties that are presenting themselves to me.

There is one thing in this world I still want more than life. I have so many doubts and so many fears. I worry about that which I cannot control. I worry about who I can’t control. Yet its not them I wish to control it’s what is exposed to my world. I just have to find a way to keep out that which I don’t desire by not shoving out that which I do.

It’s almost Christmas/Yule time. I have thought about my mom and hope she is doing well. The compassionate side of me is still concerned for her however the realistic side of me knows that she is a trigger and I can’t go back.

I hate to be the sinner judging a sinner for sinning. Oh the hypocrisy of the blind. Self preservation comes first. Its survival instinct. I have to take care of me first. Anyways the thread that I am barely hanging on to is what I have to be grateful for.

As far as the highers well they are still there that’s why your reading this. I was perfectly fine walling in misery and self pity. They continue to encourage me even when I really don’t feel like being encouraged. I’m hurt, tired and just plain worn out. I’m so thankful they remind me I am loved.