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I woke up in a pissy mood again :( I am not sure exactly what is going on. I guess it could be the time of year the weather combined with the holiday’s have me down on both the mental and physical plane.

I put some tunes on, smoked a couple of bowls and allowed myself to relax. The mental has eased off a bit. Now if I can just get the damn physical to do the same lol.

I watched a movie the other day and the lady asked a guy if he was raised in a barn? I immediately had thought about how I was brought up. Thinking about being raised in a barn would have been an upgrade from the cabin I was in. Comparatively the cabin was just a big dog house. There was only room for a bunk bed. We had enough room to store the broom for sweeping our floor and a couple of rakes for raking the camp before we left for breakfast every morning.

I remember sitting by the door when it was raining out smoking and watching the storm. I sometimes had wished that lightning would strike me and end the world in which I lived.

Youth Estates was right outside Brunswick Ga. We were near the swamp lands. We would get eaten alive by the bugs just about year round as it never got really cold down there. I remember at times I would go and find a tree climb up as high as I could find a nice branch and sit and smoke for hours and hours. I would end up getting in trouble for being gone like that but it was the only time I felt safe.

Its almost surreal to think about my upbringing at times. Like it was just a really bad dream that had a few decent parts. Sometimes I feel that way about my life now. I keep thinking I’ll wake up and this hellish nightmare will be over with.

When I do I have to stop take a moment and realize that I have to keep going the way I choose and not the way circumstances try to make me choose. I have to choose to control only what I can and let go of that which I cannot.

Again though things could be much worse and I am so thankful that they are not. I am doing all I can to maintain the attitude Smile and Think Positive. Thank you for that Michele. I’m grateful for your light in my cruel dark world.

Grateful to the highers for their ever encouragement and willingness to always help when needed. We have worked hard and I have come a long way. I know the down times are necessary to allow one to focus on what needs to be done next. So I ask to help me to receive these lessons gracefully, gently, lovingly and peacefully.

I don’t need to worry about that which is beyond my control. I have to continue to focus on that which is. Its a daily struggle and lately it’s been a hard struggle. I still believe and I still improve. I know I’m being forged. I’ll just be glad when its time to shine lol. Rub me buff me that I can handle I think ;)

I’m working on it. Even when I really don’t feel like it. I was horrible to someone who was kind I owe it to me to never be him again. So I continue to do my best. Some day’s I’m strong and some days not so much. Each day is its own.

Reaching for higher self is not always a pleasant ride. You have to drive through a bunch of garbage and clean it out of the way. Sometimes the garbage is just nasty and it stinks but you have to clean it anyways.

One of the best memories I do have from Youth Estate was because there was a lot of swamp land around us and us being boys we had acres of mud to play in. :) We didn’t have bikes or anything like that we walked or waddled through the mud. Sometimes we would be chest deep in it. I can still remember the feeling of being free during those times. Not a care in the world other than exploring the swamp.

Even though it was a dog house I am grateful I grew up in the wilderness for that moment in my life. It really gave me an appreciation and respect for nature. I’m so glad I have that appreciation and respect because so many don’t anymore. We moved away from the wilderness to become civilized.

Now Corporations serve us our food. We have allowed them to disconnect us from our food and from nature. This shift has deadened our humanity even more. We have put blind trust into people who’s only concern is the almighty dollar.

When will Life be more valuable than the objects of life? When will we look at each other and not see an adversary but another person just trying to do life? We all just want peace and to have a decent living so why are corporations and governments so against this?

I think we would all get along just fine with out the following hindrances:

Law – When will we rise above the need?

Corporations – When will we see feeding a few and starving the masses is not a life promoting plan?

Politics – When will we learn to govern ourselves and treat others with respect?

Religion – When will we grow beyond others telling us how to behave?

I really think that with those four things outlawed we the people would be much better off. But what do I know I’m mental whats your excuse?

Life is what it is. I can only do the best I can with what I have. Not what I’m going to have or what I used to have but only what is within me now. I continue the struggle with faith in knowing its going to all work out.