36

Still hanging in there and doing good :) I have challenged myself with my morning list. I focus on trying to come up with three things that I haven't said I am grateful for that I am. It was kind of easy at first but now it seems to be getting harder to do :) Since I started waking up and thinking of those things I am grateful for I tend to spread that through out the day as I see or remember other things I should be grateful for. 

Same has been with the positive thing about me. I'm really having to dig deep to find those things that are positive in me. Because again as I go through my day I think of these things and am grateful for them.

I have been actually doing something very geeky lately and that has been cleaning up my /bin folder on my computer. As some of you may know I run Linux Operating Systems and I have built a library of functions and variables that I use quite a bit. Its a huge job actually and I procrastinated against doing it for so long. However it is very satisfying to see everything is working the way it should.

In sad news we lost a living legend Monday. Lemmy Kilmister died of an aggressive cancer. He was 70 years old and Rocked out to the very end. Gone but not forgotten. Peace to you bro and thank you for the wonderful years of music you blessed us with. Long live the Motorhead.

For me the journey still continues. I face myself and forgive myself. I am crawling more and more out of this tarpit trap and keeping myself focused. I do this for me and me only. I do this at my pace. I do this because not living cant be an option. I do this because the war is over. Fighting me was never a good idea for me. 

35

I have been doing very well with keeping up with my list and turning my focus on to more positive things. I've been maintaining some activity to help keep me from focusing on the negative in my life. Its been helpful and inspiring to me.

I had a great day yesterday as I heard from two of the three most precious people in my life. Michele wrote me and I was so glad to hear from her. Then Laura my youngest daughter called me :) 

Christmas is this Friday and I will be glad when its over. Don't get me wrong I'm not a scrooge but just not into the spirit of it. Its been hard to celebrate family holidays when all you can do is focus on the family you no longer have.

Not to say I don't have a good family in my midst now and I am so thankful for them. Just they cannot fill the void I carry. The highers have been working with me on this and I'm doing my best not to be so hardheaded ;)

Waking up every morning and finding three things to be grateful for has helped me understand how blessed I am. While I will admit I don't always see that and that's when I usually take it for granted. I'm also finding that saying something positive about me has really helped me focus on the positive things I have and do.

Its been a crazy year. I have loved and lost and hopefully gained and opportunity to rebuild the best friendship I have ever had. I met an incredible Lady named Lisa and lost that relationship and have no idea if it could be salvaged. 

The only thing I really hope for in this next year is to continue to stay on the course I am currently on. To replace the negativity in me with positivity. Its a process and I'm committed to continuing it. I will have my downfalls but I have to remember who is in charge of my reactions. I am not my emotions. 

Not sure if I'll post before Christmas or not so in case I don't may you and your families have a wonderful holiday and a happy new year. 

34

When I woke up this morning and looked at the time it was 4:20 on the dot. So I got up and obeyed the laws ;) I have been doing very well with staying on top of my list. I have the reminder set for 5am because I'm always up by then anyways.  Most mornings I have already said my Gratitude's and something positive about myself before the reminder goes off. 

I do admit I'm still sad about things that I have yet to let go and find it hard to let things go that I need to. This morning I came to the conclusion that I have to stop trying to force things and allow them to pass as they will. 

My focus at the moment is really only changing my own reactions. I have lived in that tar pit trap for several decades and have even tried coming out of it a few times but never really broke free. This time I am aiming to break free. 

I am setting small goals for myself and for now am being very conscience about doing them. I know its going to get easier as time goes and I will be come a much more pleasant person to myself.

The Highers have been with me each step and I'm so grateful to them for that. As much as I FU the Universe and all its inhabitants I'm glad to know they still care :)

I'm getting more active in a positive way as well. I've been visiting the forums again and helping where I can. And I am doing a decent job of thinking about my writing and keeping the blog going. Its a necessity for me to communicate to myself about whats going on in my head. I just choose to share it. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with life and if I can help inspire just one person to choose to change their lives then its worth the price of sharing ;)

Well the journey continues I hope you continue it with me :) Be blessed by the Highers of your Understanding.  

33

I had a decent weekend. No nothing extraordinary or even exciting happened it was just a normal weekend. However I managed to survive it with out falling into that negative pit I so often find myself in. 

I have managed to wake up and stay on my list. I say my gratitude's and my positive thing about me and I am learning to forgive myself each and every day a little bit more. 

As I learn more of how to forgive myself I find its easier to understand how to let go. I am focusing on doing that. Forgiving me so I can let go and cause no more pain to others and myself. 

I have been praying to the highers to help keep me on this path. I know it has to be my choice and in the end its up to me. However they have been encouraging and that's what I need :)

I am learning to control my expectations of others. I have realized that we all have what seem to us to be reasonable expectations of others yet to those others they are unreasonable. What I am learning is I can not expect anything from anyone. Expectation of someone is telling them you OWE ME. 

Having this information is helping me to understand that no one owes me anything. Nor do I owe anyone anything. You as I have the same right to be who we are and not feel like we are obligated to do that which we don't want to do.

I'm grateful the highers have given me this lesson. I thank you for sticking around. I'm building myself and my faith as the journey continues. 

32

Yesterday I said that I didn't know what to do from here but something has to change and I have to try something. Last night before I went to bed I had the thought of waking up and doing 3 things to help me focus on my day in a more positive light.  I wrote the three things down in my Google Keep on my phone and set a daily reminder for it for in the am about time I wake up. 

The three things on my list are:
1. Say three things I am grateful for
2. Say something positive about myself
3. Forgive myself

This morning I woke up and did these things. While i'm not feeling like a million bucks I do feel better than I have in a while. I know something can change and I am doing my best to change into a better direction for me. Last time I started doing for me but it quickly became for someone else who no longer wishes to speak to me. This time there is no one and honestly doesn't need to be anyone. Sure I do desire someone but for now I just need to focus on me and what it is I truly want.

I have to learn to let things go and move forward and I am focusing on doing just that. I know its not an easy road and I have many obstacles in my way however I really want it this time and I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do. 

I lost faith in other things because I lacked faith in me. I may not have much but with faith a little can go a long way. I trust in me to do what is best for me. I am learning to trust in the highers and am grateful they even bother with me. 

I'm going to close with the ending lyrics of Lateralus by Tool because sometimes we just have to keep going.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.

red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.

lets me see there is so much more

and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.

As below, so above and beyond, I imagine

drawn outside the lines of reason.

Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.

Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.

Reaching out to embrace the random.

Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to, I embrace my desire to

feel the rhythm, to feel connected

enough to step aside and weep like a widow

to feel inspired, to fathom the power,

to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,

to swing on the spiral, to swing on the spiral,

to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself

between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.

I feel it move across my skin.

I'm reaching up and reaching out.

I'm reaching for the random or whatever will bewilder me.

Whatever will bewilder me.

And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.

We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going...

31

Its been a while since I have felt the need to write anything. I have pretty much hit bottom and have no where else to go. I have such emotional outburst that I no longer have control over. They have cost me everything and am tired of loosing. I have no one I talk to on a daily basis anymore and I really miss having that. But with my issues I guess its best I don't have that for a while.

I don't know of my direction anymore and not sure how far I can go but I know I have to change something or everything will be lost. I just feel so helpless, hopeless, faithless and alone. I want so much to see a better me I just have no idea of what that looks like. I'm just going to try and do something. 

I am asking the highers to please help me regain control of my life. I am asking for real guidance from people who care and can handle my bs drama. Can help pull me out of me when I get to deep. I am asking for a fresh source of hope, faith and help. 

I have to keep myself focused on whats important now and I guess I need to reestablish that. If your still around for the journey well it continues….

30

I couldn't feel more lost and alone as I do at this moment. I feel that I have nothing to look forward to anymore and that life is just kicking the shit out of me while I'm down. I have tried so hard and have had such good intentions but nothing seems to work out.

I feel I'm such a burden to people anymore. I can't seem to do anything right at this point. Every move I make is the wrong one. I had such hopes and dreams and now all I have is emptiness. I'm not even sure of what to say anymore. I've lost two people this year that mean the world to me and I don't mean anything to them now.

I really fucked it up this time and there is no fixing it. I have no direction to go anymore and I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what this means for me. I'm not sure I am strong enough to survive this. I have no one to help me figure things out because I get so fucking emotional I ruin everything. I just give up trying anymore. All this life is going to give me is pain.  

29

Life has its ups and downs and we get caught in a tangled mess. Some of us are good at figuring things out and can move forward with little effort at all while others of us crack under the pressure. 

I do the best I can do and I always try to be as honest and real as I can. Why because that is who I am. Yes I say things and do things that I later regret but if I didn't how would I learn. I make a lot of mistakes. I react before I think and it comes back to bite me in the ass.

When I grew up and was in Youth Estates we were taught to get our our feelings however we need to. What we were not taught was an appropriate way to do so. I mean we were in the woods so cussing and bitching to get out our bundle of emotions was perfectly acceptable. Now I get judged for it.

I do realize I have a lot of changes to make in my life and I am doing everything the best way I know how to make these changes but its all trial and error. I've always been a loner I have had less than 10 actual relationships in my life and don't always know the best way to handle situations.

I speak my mind and it seems most of the time its inappropriate or at the very least I'm just very misunderstood. Kind of reminds me of the old song Please don't let me be misunderstood. 

As I have stated numerous times this is a journey and I am going through it the best I can. I have only a couple of people who even care enough to help guide me when I'm wrong and I have a ton of people who judge me when I'm wrong.

I'm trying not to be judgmental back but it is hard when you have been so hurt. I don't even know why I allow it to bother me so much but I guess the conditioning that I have gone through has me this way. 

Something I have to keep in mind is I don't understand others pain so I can't judge them for having it and reacting the way they do. We all react the way we feel we need to and if that bothers someone then they need to look deeper inside and find compassion for others. 

I'm sorry I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I've always lived my life just wanting to be accepted. I do the best I can to make myself acceptable but I guess its not good enough for most. 

I'm sorry if I hurt you in the midst of my own pain. I'm just trying to live this life the best I can with little damage to others.

28

I was at the camp last night by myself and had some time to think about a lot of things. I've spent a great deal of my life wanting someone to love me and it was this morning that I realized that is not the case. I have people that Love me and even care for me what I don't have is someone who wants me. 

Let me explain. By the time I was seven I was in a foster home. I was placed there during my parents divorce. After the divorce I stayed with my Grandparents on my Dads side for a bit before going into my first boys home at age 8. I was then transferred back to my dad for a bit before my second boys home. I left that home and went into a foster home and then to another foster home before I went back to my dads who eventually through me out for having pot. He only was concerned with protecting his job and his retirement. He didn't care why I was smoking pot because he really didn't want me.

As I look back I see it isn't love that was lacking it was just being wanted. People say you have to love yourself before others can love you and I do love me I mean I am still here I did not kill myself years ago like I wanted to why because I love me. I take care of me and do the best I can by me. Yes there is room for improvement but we all have that. Just understanding the knowledge that I do love me and have always loved me left me with the revelation that because no one else wanted me I haven't wanted me.

I don't know how to want me. My parents didn't want me. My grandparents didn't seem to want me. No one else in my family wanted me. My aunt Kim died when I was about 13 and her two daughters were eventually adopted by my aunt Eileen. While I am grateful that the two girls were wanted by my family I am also sad that none of them wanted me. When ever I have visited any of my family I have always just felt like I was a guest and never family. The boys homes and foster homes really didn't want me and the cycle continued. I never really had anyone who actually just wanted me. My wife didn't want me and numerous of other lady's didn't want me. The rejection I have carried all these years has nothing to do with love and everything to do with wanting me.

I recently went through a breakup and I thought it was because I am just not lovable but that is not the case. I just am not wanted. I don't know how to want me. I never learned but yet everyone in my life past and present seem to think I should know. I grew up in the woods and was taken out however the woods were not taken out of me. You see I grew up not being wanted by the entire society. No one cared what happened to us we were just troubled youth. 

The only people who ever made me feel wanted only wanted something from me and not me. My wife didn't want me she wanted the title wife and a sucker to pay for her shit. I think now maybe she was right Maybe I am just a stupid moronic idiot. 

People are very good at telling me what I need but they suck at showing me and helping me to understand what I need. I have had people give me things to listen to and to read however with out the basic understanding of what I am suppose to learn its like looking at Chinese and trying to figure it out when I don't know Chinese.

The best way I learn is hands on. Having someone go through the difficult task to show me and help me understand so that I can do it. That is what I lack. I lack someone willing to show me those things I don't understand like how to want me.  

Someone told me I choose this life BULLFUCKINGSHIT. I do not believe I choose anything. I don't believe we chose our lives before we come here. I do not believe in Angels or any other higher form of being. Life has taught me that there is no one out there routing for me. 

They tell me have faith and hope well let me tell you what faith and hope have done for me. NOT ONE FUCKING THING. I have no more faith and I have no more hope in anything. I desire to have them but life has taught me they don't exist for me.

I am a priority for none. I wish to be however do not know how to be. Even if someone did want me I wouldn't have a fucking clue as to what that looks like. 

So instead of judging me I would only ask that you try to understand my perspective. If you wish for me to understand yours then fucking teach me how to see it and don't just expect that I can. I am not that smart. 

27

When ever we try to label things and know where a certain thing fits in our lives we are doing several negative things. First we are so worried about the label we forget about the object. We no longer look at it as a gift but now look at is as something to define. When we do this we are telling the universe we must have control do to the fact we don't trust you. All labels come from judgment. When we are judging we are not loving. 

I've had a few bad weeks lately and the pressure has become to much. I have been focusing on just loving me and allowing others to do as they will but I still can't let go. I can only see the rejection I have yet suffered again which only reaffirms the negative base of my thinking that I have not had enough time to replace. 

We all want what we want and that is just the way life is. Conflict is always bound to happen when we live this attitude. When we deny the chance to share our gifts with others even at a great personal cost we deny ourselves. Then we justify to ourselves to make us feel better about us.

We see yet do not understand. We hear but yet not listen. I'm sick of it. No way is right and no way is wrong. We created right and wrong to measure ourselves according to what we have been taught to think. We kill ourselves over an idea presented in a book. We claim love yet avoid it at all cost.

Someone told me to love me then others will. This is true but here is my question. How are you to love you when you don't even know what it is because you have had no honest example to be guided by? Was it love that put me in foster/Boys homes? Was it love that beat me and called me worthless? If that is what love is you can fucking keep it. 

I know not what is going to happen to me or with me and I don't know that I care anymore. Seems like ever since I have had my first cognitive thought the outside has been trying to shut me down maybe its time I let it.

26

The past few months have really taught me a lot. Its taught me that I don't fucking matter. No matter how hard I try I am just not what people want. Now I don't care to want me either. All life is fucked and I am tired of being in it. No matter how hard I have tried to get this far in the end it really doesn't matter. Lisa and I broke up a couple of weeks ago and she still wants to be friends but honestly I don't want a friend I want a lover and since I can never get what I want I plan on taking my toys burning them and leaving this fucking wasted life. I want the highers to destroy my soul as its not worth keeping anyways.

I know you don't care nor should you care. I'm just a waste of good fucking breathing air and I will do my best to not take up to much more of your precious air.

25

The past few weeks have been kinda crazy. The emotions have been all over the place. As I learn to let go of those things that are holding me down. I see more of the chains that I have created along the journey and at first I get a bit discouraged. Its just that moment of well fuck I have a lot more shit to do.

I tend to over analyze things way to much and that hurts me at times. One of the reasons is because I have made bad decisions hastily and have suffered majorly for it. So over analyzing gives me an excuse not to make a decision. Which in reality is making a decision. 

All my life I have lived for others to love me instead of me loving me. Because I wasn't loving me I blocked them from loving me. I just didn't get that at the time. I spent to much time not loving me. I cannot allow others choices to determine who I am. That is my responsibility not theirs. 

Everyone has freewill. When we fully grasp what that means then we can start to grasp our own freewill. We are not limited unless we limit ourselves. When we fail to see the benefit of something we will repeat it until we do. We lack faith and belief because we choose to focus on the fear we have created.

Letting that fear go and living in love is a choice like all choices and yes it has consequences. This is not a bad thing or a negative thing. Its just a reaction to your action. 

When the state told me I wasn't stable enough to get custody of my daughter I could have reacted with a harsh negativity as I have done so in the past. However I decided to be thankful for even the opportunity to be considered. In doing that I have also showed them that I am more stable than they give me credit for. No maybe the time isn't right or maybe something better is around the corner that with her I could not be prepared for. It only helped strengthen my belief that I choose, not the circumstances.

I am learning to communicate more clearly my wants and desires and I am learning to allow things to go so I have room to accept that which I desire. I do understand its a process and it is easier as you do it.  

When we try to put our happiness on what others do we not only give them control of our lives but we are telling everyone including them, we don't love ourselves. Yes someone can do something that is very pleasing to me however its still my choice to be happy or not. They don't have that power over me only I do. My happiness comes from within me not from the outside. 

That doesn't mean outside influences don't get in the way sometimes because I still do hold on to some fear. I am learning to let them go as I journey in the love that I am. 

We are the author of our own lives and we decide the adventure we want. As I grasp that daily I am more and more free to do as I want with out fear. Fear will no longer hold me back from that which I want and desire. To many times I have allowed fear to rob me of the life I want and well I am tired of living that sin. 

I say sin but not really as you understand it. You see religion has taught us that sin is what separates us from God but honestly nothing separates us from God other than our own minds. Sin is allowing fear to keep you from Love. That is all it really is. Sin is not against another person but against yourself. To deny yourself is sin.

Others decisions are not a reflection of me they are a reflection of them. I grasp that now. Thank you highers for such a wonderful insight and allowing me to share. 

24

We have all experienced the unfortunate feeling of pain. It is something we learn at a very young age to not appreciate. It hurts and we just don't like it. However pain is a necessary evil in this world of growth. 

In actuality pain is nothing more than a growing marker. With out it we can't measure how we are growing. We shut ourselves down in order to avoid feeling any more pain. The primordial instinct of self preservation. What we fail to realize is that opening ourselves to allow others to help us heal our wounds promotes us in our own personal growth. 

Life comes with no assurances and no one can really give you any. We all take a gamble when it comes to matters of the heart, finances and passions. We hope for an outcome like seeing if the dice will land on seven. Its this lifestyle we have learned to live that has kept us in our fear. Drowning out our hope for betterment. 

We tell ourselves we are not good enough or they are to good for me. We pour the ladle of fear over ourselves like we are basking a roast. We make the same choices and expect different results. Sometimes the choices isn't the wrong one sometimes its not the choice just how you act with it. 

Change is painful. It requires that we come out of our turtle shell and allow others to see who we are. It means allowing someone else control over certain functions of our lives. We fear not being in control. We fear someone else having the wheel and taking us where they think we should go. We focus on the result instead of the scenery of the journey. 

My Dad lived his entire life for a result. He now is living the result. Now what? For him in his mind this is it, this is the result of his journey. I think as long as we have breath we are still on the journey and not living for a result. 

Life is going to take me where it decides to take me. I have no control over that. I just have the freewill to make the best choices for me along the way. My desire is to grow into a man who lives with joy and removes the misery out of his life. It is a process and it will take me a lifetime to do so but so what. I'm on a journey and there is beauty out there just waiting to be enjoyed. 

I can choose each moment. Time has no meaning. I'm in no hurry to get to a finish line. I will accept those who choose to join me and I will respect those who do not. Your choices are for you not for me. 

It would be very easy at this point to go back to where I was only just a month ago. Feeling sorry for myself and cussing the Gods for such a shitty life. Not because of anything they had done but because of my own selfish choices that kept me engulfed in my fear. My choice and I cuss them they must really love me. I can only accept responsibility for me and my choices. You have to accept them for your own. We have to stop looking down on those who don't make the same choices we made just because they are not fitting to us. Each has to make their own way and take what applies to them as they go along the way. 

I have some hopes and dreams I believe will be. I am preparing myself to accept those things that I believe I will receive. Does it scare me yes. I'm terrified actually, however I'm choosing to not live in fear and have it dictate my life anymore. Its just a part of growing up. 

23

Things have been very good the last few weeks for me on the overall average. While not everything in my life is going the way I would like there are things that are. Instead of focusing on those things that are not going the way I prefer I am being grateful for the things that are. 

I have been given a great gift by the highers the gift of their patience and love. No I'm not the only one who has been given this gift we all have. I am starting to let go of some of the bigger things that have been holding me back. I am learning to stand on my own and not feel I need to depend on others. I am being who it is I desire to be. A man of love. 

My journey has been preparing me to accept myself and I'm learning to do that more and more. As I let go of those things that have been holding me down I realize that it gets easier and easier. 

Now that doesn't mean it's a cake walk either. I still have my moments of doubt and pain like the rest of humanity. However I am starting to consciously think about the core thought. I still have lots of fear in me. I have a lot of years of negativity to remove from my life. Yet non of that really matters. 

I am moving forward not trying to run a race just taking a scenic walk. I'm stopping along the trails and even getting off them at times to see a view of something I wish to see. My life is blessed with the perspective of beauty. Again the highers have smiled upon me.

Communication is my gift. I share my gift. I hope that others become inspired by the gift. I love happy people. Seeing the smiles and joy of others shine. I get inspired when I see others share their gifts. Its what we are here to do.

Encourage each other and yourselves daily. Give thanks and share your blessings. Let go of control and hang on to the thrill. Let the energy around you bless those that it touches in ways you can never fully understand. 

22

Many times we make the mistake of judgment. We have ingrained ourselves so much into our core root of fear based thinking that we have shut out the very things that make us human. Does that sound kinda familiar? Its the same if your hooked on a drug or money or what ever vice you have. Fear has become a vice for us. We live our lives getting our daily fix of fear.

We fear loss. We fear we are not good enough. We fear we don't have enough. All  this has blinded us from our true selves. Fear has become our drug and we need our fix daily. We must learn to break this cycle and learn to focus on the love that the highers have always intended for us to be.

We cannot give what we don't have. If you want love be love if you want wealth be wealth if you want conciseness then be conscience. We focus to much on what we don't have instead of what we do. We do not encourage one another any more only point out their faults and mistakes.

We do not praise each other because we do not praise ourselves. Religious leaders always say have faith in God I say if you have no faith in yourself how then can you give that to God?  Again if we don't have it we can't give it. We must learn to listen again instead of hurry up and die.

Break these walls of fear that chain us into the slavery of its birth. Allow us to be free to love as we are designed to. Make the hard choice to be different and follow the lesser known path. Remain true to self. Not just a part of yourself but your entire being. Mind, body and soul. As we aligned them we start to understand that they are all one and when we have them fully aligned they will transform into that one loving being of existence. The true immortal you.

Go each day with confidence that everything is designed to help improve you. Be grateful for the shaping and the pain that comes with it. Your still bein sculpted its supposed to be this way. The highers always have our back and will give us what we need when we need it if we will just listen and accept it.

We base so much of our society on the wrong things and remove the very core of our true being. We have basked in the victory of our hallucinogenic vision of glory. Thinking what we have done to the earth is a good thing. Allowing so much separation between us all that we forgotten we are all one.

Everything is corrupted with fear in our society. The religious leaders have raised us for century's based on that very concept of fear. The bible is filled with fears but not Gods fears. No the bible is filled with fears of man. A book started by people who were slaves and found themselves free. Written at a time when their fear of the unknown was at its peak. God gave us all the gift of freewill. But he did more than that he also gave us the gift of intelligence. The freedom to think for ourselves. So we can decide what is best for us. The only people who know that are you and the highers. Your level of understanding is different than mine. The highers is even more different than ours.

Understanding your freewill gives you great freedom in knowing that you can have the will to no longer live a fear based life. You can either choose to allow you to define you or circumstances to define you.

When you define you then joy will settle in and you will have all you have ever desired.

21

This last week has been one hell of a roller coaster. I've been up, down, twisted and sideways. The energies have been so high and the emotions are stirring up so many vibrations my brain has been in over load.

So many times we focus on something with the wrong reason. We think we are supposed to look back and remember the pain but forget that its that very pain that has forever changed us. Depressives like myself internalize everything. We have a very hard time reaching out and trusting people. 

For months I focused on the pain of my loss of Michele. I was looking only at what I no longer had and not at what she had so graciously given me. As I started looking at those wonderful gifts I at first felt shame for my behavior towards her now I just feel blessed. Looking at those gifts made me realize that I don't have to live my life in fear. I'm not obligated to do so and neither are you.

We pour so much great energies into the wrong things and wonder why we feel drained. Its the overload affect. The vibrations are so strong that it makes everything chaotic but beautiful. If I had poured my energy into the right things sooner maybe things would have been different. But that is one of those things that in the end it is what it is. I have it now and I'm running with it.

Where the road goes no body knows ;) That's the beauty of life. We are supposed to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Yes sometimes not having control can be scary but lets face it we don't have it anyways.

The only thing I can truly control is my response to something other than that its not in my hands. For so many years I have responded wrong. I hated because I lived in fear. I'm not good enough. Why is the world against me. Why am I so undeserving. All these stupid negative questions instead of asking the most important one. Why am I not loving myself? 

When you look at the question from an internal view instead of an external one you start to realize you haven't been honoring your true self. I hurt people because of my selfishness and living a fear based life. Michele always was showing me who I really am and the best way I know to honor her is to be the person she knew me to be and better. 

Where this life is taking me is unknown nor cared about. I realize and understand I'm going to make more mistakes. I'm going to suffer other pain. However I know that they are all helping me to become the man Michele saw and the one Lisa see's. After all becoming truer to ourselves is why we are here. 

20

This past weekend was just amazing. Lisa and I stayed at the camp Friday night and it was such a perfect evening. I am still in the clouds and loving every minute of it. I am just so grateful.

As my life takes this path and I continue on my journey I'm beginning to understand more of where my path is. I'm finally choosing to accept it. I came to the great revelation in my own life the other day when I realized that my biggest fear was not rejection like I had so claimed but something for me that is even scarier it was acceptance. I have a difficult time allowing myself to be accepted. I've already survived mass rejection. 

The reason for this is basic and simple. Because of my early rejection from my parents I felt that there had to be something wrong with me. I lived as there was something wrong with me. It made it easier to keep justifying my own stinking thinking. I kept focusing in on the fear and didn't allow myself to live. I suffocated so much of my living in fear. 

Choosing to replace fear with love is a difficult decision. It takes strength to reprogram yourself. It takes discipline, love, understanding, and patience. I have chosen to live my life and not be a slave to fear. I'm learning to let go and move forward allowing fate to be what fate will be. I'm only here for the ride ;)

Living in love means we must realize that we are not following the norm. As people of love we must share the blessing of love that has been so graciously given to us. We must not allow old beliefs to deter us from living the life we were meant to live. Anything that keeps us in fear should be removed from our lives.

Letting go can be difficult but it is so rewarding. When you finally learn to honor others instead of trying to control them. We must realize we all have freewill and each must make their own choices and walk their own path. We must allow each other to live in peace. We can only do this by surrendering to love. 

The highers have so much guidance to give and wish for us to listen. They want us to have a beautiful life. We must remember who we really are. We are all just wanting to do for our families and be who we wish to be. They wish to help us accomplish this. 

They do this by showing us how to live a life of love and not fear. How to open up and release the negative energies that hold us back. They do not force themselves upon us. Rather you call them highers or God or whatever you see them as, they have given you the gift of freewill. They gave you this gift because they chose not to be rulers of you. But allow you to choose for yourself. 

Mankind has been stripping away at our freewill for century's. Using a corrupt image of the highers to justify keeping us living in fear. They want to keep us in fear so they can continue the rule. Convincing us that we can own something and we can have power over others.

How much more separation are we going to allow them to put upon us. I see it very much as gladiators fighting in the ring while the controllers sit and laugh. Basking in the glory of their amusement. We blindly allow them to continue the slaughter.

Why would any living loving God want us to live in fear? Answer he, she or they do not. We chose this by allowing ourselves an excuse to not think for ourselves. Its easier just to take someones word for it and accept that as truth. Why not everyone else seems to believe it. However through out history everyone else has believed something that turned out to be wrong.

I am no longer going to be a sheep. I cannot follow the fearful way of this life. I must be love. Shepard's lead sheep to the pastors and watch out for predators as the sheep graze. I'm not a Shepard either. I simply cannot save you from yourself. No one can. I have a hard enough time just keeping myself in love with myself. 

We all do something self destructive when we live our lives based on the root thoughts of fear. Until we are willing to truly change we will only keep digging the hole that they will bury us in.

When choosing to live a life with out fear you will find that your energies are becoming a bit chaotic. Not negative but juiced up if you will. Its the process of letting go that has charged your energies no longer are you bound by the chains that have been burdened on you. 

I have freewill and I chose to live free. I'm choosing to remove the chains that hold me back from the life I should be living. No longer will I allow myself to be beaten and put down for the amusement of others. I stand in love and walk the path that has been laid before me. 

With love I thank the

19

The past couple of weeks things have really started to turn around for me. As I briefly mentioned earlier I've met someone who I have really connected with. Last Saturday we had our first date. It was beautiful. The weather which had been flirting with 90 degree F temperatures was a cool low 80 degree F day. There was a small breeze and it was just a lovely feel for the day. We walked the trails for a few hours looking at the old tree's giving our appreciation for them and catching all kinds of cool stuff and looking at beautiful spider webs. Some we tried to take pictures of but the light was all wrong and you can't see them :(

The whole day was just amazing and I'm in awe of just how the highers have blessed me with such and Amazing Lady. Especially right after I ripped the heart out of an Amazing Lady. A regret that started the moment I did it. I've been learning to forgive myself of my horrible mistake. While I don't regret the motivation it has given me to remove that monster in me, I do regret I hurt someone in order to do so.

We all have our monster. Some of us are very good at hiding it and keeping it at bay while others of us don't understand what that is. I've made some real serious changes in my thinking. I have decided to listen to the highers and allow them to show me the way. I wanted to fight it at first because who was I to be worthy of knowing the way. I am selfish and hurt people. I can still hear the higher tell me that's because your not embracing the love you wish to share.

I didn't understand. I was like ok how do I embrace something no one is giving me? They were silent. Why because they knew I already know the answer. No need to show me what I already know just allow me to think about what I asked. I said you bastards why yall got to let me be so damn insightful. So I decided maybe its time to listen and stop fighting. I had to let go.

Something that is very difficult for me. But in doing so the reward is just so much more than I could have ever anticipated. I no longer feel like I need to worry about how much more I have to go I just need to go. Enjoy and embrace every moment. Show my gratitude not just say it.

My heart is healing. Its a slow process but when you allow others to help you then you will find its much easier. Not less painful just easier to survive it. I'm letting go of those hurts from my past and while I will never forget them I will learn to embrace them as they are what have guided me to this place I am in now. Ready to not just ask for something but ready to receive it.

My journey is not being walked alone anymore. I have gathered friends to walk with me. And while some of our paths may go different ways. I understand that we can't grow if we don't spread. Popping up is great but if you don't branch out you wont make it. Some have been around and wisely just walked at a distance allowing me to go through what I had to do get my focus again. And while things are still a bit blurry it is clearing up fast. I'm no longer focusing on what I do and don't have I'm focusing in on what I'm sharing with others. How am I sharing my blessings? What is my true calling here? Well the true calling is a simple answer its to share my blessings.

When you are ready you will ask the question and find your answer is the same. We are here to experience and share that blessing with others. We must embrace our real selves so we can embrace others real selves. Walk with your heart in love and let love rule your thinking. Then you will experience joy. Joy must be shared or it can't last.

Let us share our blessings and then we can enjoy our journey. I am grateful to you all. I love you and thank you for joining me on this journey.

18

A few days ago I heard about a horrible event done by John McCain and Jeff Flake. They sold us out. They showed the world that we have lost our humanity. That the only thing that matters is the money. We have created this monster and marvel in our illusion of glory.

The Indians of this Nation have Lost enough do to the greed of the white man. When I read what happened I became sick to my stomach. My heart cried for these people who are loosing sacred ground for a shady deal. To do copper mining. To keep feeding the monster we so gloriously created.

Today I watched a movie that I so love because this whole event reminded me of it. Unfortunately this behavior from our Politicians is not new. I watched Thunderheart. A very powerful movie inspired by actual events in the 1970's. Being that I am part Sioux and the movie is based on the Sioux I always feel happy and sad. My heart mourns for all the Indian tribes we have destroyed to live out the American Dream. A dream built by stealing land from a beautiful simple people who loved the earth. Who praised her and the spirits of the animals. Gave thanks and lived with Gratitude.

We have no true Gratitude anymore. Instead we take advantage of that which we have. We no longer touch earth and praise her for her provisions. We just take for granted that they are there. We rape the land in search of more and more so that we can have for ourselves. We no longer share our blessings with others now we charge for them.

We have spread this disease throughout the world. We raise our children to buy into this nightmare we created. We don't teach them whats important anymore. We all want to raise them to have it better than us. Yet we destroy the very home they live and expect them to survive. We make our children so dependent on us that they no longer expect to have to do for themselves.

Everyone wants to have this piece of the pie. To out do the 'Jones's' We fill our minds with the adds they provide telling us what we need. They have controlled our thinking keeping it in fear for century's. We have laws that prohibit people from getting a natural medicine that has been used for century's. We Kill animals for fun and 'sport' but what the fuck is sportfull about killing an animal that has as much right to live on this earth as you do? Killing done only for a trophy.

We should be shameful. We should see this monster that has been created for what it truly is a monster. The faith I have in humanity is sadly very low. We have been living in an illusion for so long we bought it. And now we are killing ourselves with it.

We are all committing suicide and the people doing it to you are feeding you pharmaceuticals to keep you happy about it. We have closed our eyes and our hearts to mother earth. We are destroying her for a piece of that stale pie we have been blindly chasing after.

Together we Stand Divided we fall. But if we continue to stand together for this monster we have allowed to strip away our humanity then we will do more than just fall we will die.

We force and 'Image of God' down peoples throat to keep them in line with the master plan. Allowing us to believe that God would use fear to control us and take away the very freewill he gave to us. The introduction to his existence has become a corrupt image of who he is. God isn't in the business of prohibiting he is in the business of Love. Not living in fear. Not destroying ourselves for something that is totally useless. The very image we have created has become the Anti-Christ.

Our society has children raising children instead of community's raising children. The elder and the wise should be teaching them not other children. No we let people who haven't figured out who they are to raise children who don't know who they are.

We don't live in gratitude. Our hearts are not truly grateful to the blessings we have the opportunities we have to become better to our true selves. We deny it in the name of profits. We put the blame on everything but ourselves and then tell ourselves what can I do about it? We say that a flag represents racism. Of course it does and look how many we have! You see racism is much deeper than just a color issue its a separation of our soul. We put up our flags to show what color we are. This disease is spread throughout the world. We fight each other over ideas instead of accepting that we all have our own walk to make and we must make it without judging how others walk theirs. We instead try to force everyone to believe what we believe. Our image of God is right and yours is wrong. Oh such fearful thinking. Not realizing that God appears to us all in our own understanding. Leads and Guides us if we open our hearts to love instead of fear.

The fear of not having. My fear is not living. I'm no longer going to just exist and wait to die. I am going to live and fly. I am going to be vocal about the true sins that we commit everyday. I am going to wake people up to the truth of life and how to live in love. I am going to sacrifice my life to bring back our true nature. I will learn to live grateful. I will give away my blessings. I will share with you. I will live with you and I will love you. I am going to give praise and thanks to the angels and spirits that guide us to fully live. I will praise my Wise Spiritual Friend and listen to his advice. I will spread his love so I can show you how to save ourselves.

Who will Join me?

17

Sometimes life throws you a curve and just totally throws you into something beautiful. That is happening to me right now :) First there was the place that I got upset at for disapproving my post. I had basically written the place off and was ready to throw in the towel when the outreach came. Now things are not perfect but what is perfection anyway but and illusion. The administrator of the forums and myself had and are having a very good conversation and we are looking to make some changes. What, is unclear at this time but its all in the right direction.

The second thing that has happened is I have met, well sorta met someone who has really helped me focus on the positive. She is a very special lady and I'm honored to have the opportunity to get to know her. We have only talked on the phone twice but all together both calls add up to 6 hours. :D yeah I hate talking on the phone but with her its just so easy. Usually after 20 minutes I'm ready to hang up but even 3 hours doesn't seem long enough.

I don't know what direction the spirits are guiding me to but I do feel so positive about it. And while yes my heart still aches for Michele. I do know that everything is going to work out so much better than I could ever imagine. I for the first time in a very very long time have had some faith restored. 

I still have tons of garbage to go through in my mental closet and am still in the process of learning what is myne and what is not. I am starting to really let go of those things that don't belong to me. I know its a process and honestly I'm excited to be going through it. I may have years of heartache and pain to sort through but I am starting to learn how to sort through it with out retaking on the heartache and pain. 

Don't get me wrong there is still plenty of growing I have to do. There is still bitterness and anger over past events that I have to learn to let go of and I'm sure I'm going to face some difficult moments in doing that. However, I really do know its going to be ok. Of course right now I'm floating on cloud 15 and I haven't had any organics to help get me there lol 

Sure I'm going to have some set backs and I understand that they are necessary at times. Sometimes you cant move forward until you do step back. I just have to remember to keep my mind on whats truly important and why I am doing all this. Not an easy task but one I know I will accomplish.

I'm starting to not look so much at my email for a message from Michele. While I would love to have her back in my life I'm beginning to slowly accept that maybe she was only there to help guide me to this point. I still will hope she returns as I still love her however I can't stop moving forward trying to hang on to a hope that may never fruition. I do still very much miss her and I am starting to learn that is ok. I am so thankful for the time we have shared. I'm only sorry she left not truly knowing that. 

I however am focusing on fixing the broke in me. I do have it pretty good and hope to start showing that more. Replacing that fear based thinking and those negative emotions is going to be a challenge but one I know I can accomplish. Thankfully I have people who do care and love me and I care and love them. Now I have to show them how much by becoming the me I should be.

We don't always end up with everything we may want and as I get older I'm understanding why. Sometimes you don't really need what you want. I'm learning to accept that. 

So the journey continues with gladness in my heart. So kick back with me and lets enjoy this ride. I mean hey its only life after all ;)

16

Yesterday I learned of a great injustice. I wrote about it in last nights blog. I also went to a place I have supported for the last 4 years and posted there. It was unapproved of and a piece of me died.

You see I really enjoyed working there and I enjoyed the people I worked with. But I am vocal about things I don't see right. I will not be muzzled because of politics. While It is politicians doing what politicians do its more than political. Its a slap in the face of humanity. This is sacred ground to this tribe and If it belonged to Christians, Muslims or even Jews this would have not happened. Why because these two senators would not risk loosing votes for the next election but since it only sacred to a people already conquered who cares right?

The Indians of this country do not have a voice that carries to anyone who actually cares. More times or not the voice of the Indians fall on deaf ears. I have a little Indian blood in me my tribe is Sioux. While I do not pretend to know much about that part of my heritage it is still a part of who I am.

I decided that I can no longer support those who will not support me or humanity for that matter. We are all one and until we realize that we will continue down this destructive path we have laid before ourselves as we marvel in our own glory. We have allowed profit to rule all. When will we stop this madness?

You see my Dad has lived in fear his whole life over money. Why? Because that is the destructive road that society has decided to go down. No longer do we help our neighbors. Instead we charge them and then do the bare minimum.

Its this kind of ignorance that has left this tribe fighting for this holy land. Now here is something to think about what if this was your sacred land how would you feel? Would you sit quiet and watch them destroy that which is precious to you. Keep in mind that you already have had all your land taken from you and were told where you can now live.

We either must stand up and fight this corruption or we need to just lay down and die. We traded our humanity for a dollar bill. What could be more sad than that?

And Out Cry of Injustice

The past couple of months I have been doing this blog its been about me and where I am at and how I am traveling my journey. As that has been the reason for me to do this. However today's entry is not about me or my walk but about humanity.

Apache Indians are protesting the selling of a holy land. A deal in which Senators John McCain and Jeff Flake snuck a deal into a bill needed for our Military Defense Budget. Undoubtedly they are going to receive big profits from this.

These people are in office because we allowed them. However WE the PEOPLE need to show the Government that we are not going to allow them to continue to play politics and kiss the ass of business. We should have both of these senators thrown out on their ass. Why because they are taking away a holy land from a people who have already had everything taken away from them by us to begin with.

Please stand with me and fight this injustice.

Here is a link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/29/opinion/selling-off-apache-holy-land.html?_r=1

here is a petition to sign to fight this injustice.
https://secure.avaaz.org/en/stand_with_the_apache_global_loc_dn/?auqZUfb

How long are we going to allow profit to destroy our humanity?

15

I woke up this morning in a very negative mood. I'm not sure why I woke up feeling so incredibly alone and unworthy but I did. I sat out this morning and was just completely sick of the alone feeling. I mean I know I have a few people around me that care very much and I am so grateful for them. Its just hard when no one understands you. I lost the one who seemed to and I'm still very lost and very scared. 

I got to start thinking about the way I felt when I was a child and realized I've never stopped feeling that way. I never had anyone but me. I remember I would write letters to mom and dad and sometimes I would get a reply. If mom hadn't left the place she last wrote from then it was nice to get the reply. For dad I guess it depended on his mood or whatever.

I had to remember that during my time in Youth Estate no one from my family really contacted me or wrote me. I did get a visit once from my grandparents and it was nice but short. There was one Lady who always seemed to stay in touch with me and her name was Lyda. She was my Grandfathers wife on my moms side. My mom lost her mom when she was 9 to cancer. I still can here my mom telling me how she lost her mom at age nine. To bad I never thought to tell her well sorry but I lost mine at age 7.

Lyda I believe I met once when I was 5. I don't really remember her but do remember a little about my Grandfather. He was half Indian. When his wife died he left my mom with her aunt in Savannah and he went to Colorado. Which set the stage for mom later in life to walk away from me. So thanks Grandpa love you to you bastard. Lyda wrote to me all the time and was very consistent until she passed. She was a great lady and I thank you for her. Michele was my new Lyda and again I've lost someone special.

I don't know why I can't seem to be cut out for someone. I've busted my ass to try and be a good husband and a good father. Unfortunately I was a good husband to the wrong person. Fortunately I was a good dad to the right people. And while I love my kids there are just somethings they can't fulfill in me. And no one else wants to.

I've always felt like I was being punished for being born and surviving. I still feel that way a lot of times. Like I was a really really horrible person and I don't know maybe I was. I just know this If this is to be my life I want to give it back. I want no more chances no repeats no coming back. I've been defeated 

If this isn't to be my life then I honestly don't know. I am to hurt to be able to see beyond my pain at this moment. 

In my eyes you see no pride
In my eyes you see no light
In my eyes you see a tear
In my eyes you see my fear
In my eyes you see my love
In my eyes you see no plight
In my eyes you see my hate
In my eyes you see my fate

Forever all alone

14

When cleaning the mental closet its important that you just not pitch out everything. We have good stuff in there and need to separate it from the garbage. This takes time and unfortunately that word patience. I know I stated that I'm just pitching but that's not entirely accurate. Yes I am starting to let go of some of the garbage but I have to look at it see what it is and ask myself why am I holding on to it? You see we must face the fear based thoughts to return them to love based thoughts. 

In every situation we have faced with someone we have a part and they have a part. When both parts are working together they can do well but if one breaks then they no longer work. I have to learn to accept what is mine and not what belongs to someone else. Remove the thorn from my own eye before trying to help someone else remove theirs. We have a tendency to judge and point the finger at the other and bitch that they are not doing their part instead of accepting our own responsibilities and fixing what is broke in ourselves.  

This fear based thinking is what has divided us. We are all just little cliques now. Each wanting to force their way and beliefs on to others. We say things like if your not with me your against me. Really? Why? And better yet How? We have been taught this thinking. We must change it. That fear based thought alone has destroyed families, friends and nations. 

My dad invested a majority of his life into his retirement. Every now and then him and my step mom go on a trip but 90% of the time I talk to him he is at home just watching the TV. The sad part about that is that because he never invested in me like he did for his retirement I feel that he traded me in for a fucking TV.

But it is what it is. He has to live his life the way he see's fit to do so for him and I have to live mine the way I see fit for me. If I judge him I will ultimately be judging myself. So I have to be careful of how I separate others garbage that I have collected with my own. Some what of a painful process. Because it requires absolute honesty with ones self. Something that many of us find difficult. We all do good and we all do bad. Not all can face what they have done. However not facing it means repeating it.

As I go through and relieve somethings I really rather forget I find myself procrastinating. I know its a fear based thought and I know I have to continue in order to get well. I tend to re-grab things that I really don't want to let go of. Its hard for me to stop. It's like seeing you are about to be in a wreck but cant do anything but watch it. I have to constantly remember to keep what is mine and get rid of the rest. Fix those things that are broke in me and let others make their own choices. Give them full free will as the father has given me. 

I admit I don't like others choices at times as I know others don't care for myne. I am becoming more conscience to not judge them and to only judge my own thoughts. And not my thoughts of them but my thoughts of fear.

A few different times in my life I was religious. I believed in the bible and the image of God it gives us. I don't remember if I ever went to church when mom and dad were together or not. I do remember I had to go when I was in Bethesda. I even remember going when I first moved in with dad before going to Youth Estate. We could go to church when I was in Youth Estate and did often. We were not allowed to participate or go to Sunday school. We could get the message and then go back to the woods. We loved going to church not because of the message but because of the girls. I remember a few times trying to reach out to a few girls. When your between 11 and 16 and live in the woods with a bunch of guys then girls were a great distraction.

I remember one Sunday standing in line for inspection. I had on my best Sunday outfit shirt tucked in shoes cleaned and shined. I however didn't have a belt. I don't know why I didn't I just remember I didn't. I was told to go to the tool shed and get a shovel and start digging up the grease trap outside the kitchen. I did as I was told and started digging the trap up. A bit later others showed up however they had all been allowed to change back into regular clothes seeing this I decided that I would go change. As I started to walk to the cottage that we had our lockers at and showered from the group leader asked me where I was going I told him I am going to change clothes he told me negative now get back on the shovel. 

I don't know how many people are familiar with a grease trap but its one of the nastiest smelling things you will ever encounter. Its a smell that has to wear off over a few day period. Once in your clothes you may as well through them out. One the grease will get in your washer and ruin other clothes you wash after that but two the smell never seems to come out. So for the next year I wasn't allowed to go to church. I had no other Sunday clothes and no way to get any.

When I did get back to church the focus once again was the girls and not God. After I left Youth Estate I didn't go to church for awhile. It wasn't until I was near my mid 20's before I went to a church again. I went for a few months and just dropped out. I even got into Wicca during that period. Learned somethings that started me really questioning who God is. I wasn't much into making potions or casting spells I was more intrigued with the philosophy. I didn't return again to church until I was about 35. I moved in with my dad who insisted I go to church. 

I stayed active in the church through out my marriage. I wanted to be a good dad and husband and made sure we went every Sunday. My wife and I joined a few small groups and tried to journey with this image of God. When my wife left I ended up leaving the church again.

After I got out all my Fuck you's to God and decided that the church was just a place for those who can afford it. I mean the church I went to had the motto “Real Relevant Relational” Yeah they were relational but just with their chosen few. Not one of them bothered to call me or come by and visit to check on me or see if I needed anything. It was though I never existed to them. I wrote the pastor a letter explaining my grief and instead of him writing me back he had his flunky assistant pastor do it. 

As I look back over my religious life I see that it was necessary for me in order to actually get a relationship with the one known as God. Not the bible image of him but the actual. You see the bible is a fear based book. Its used in a fear based way “Worship God or else burn in hell” And God is not based in fear. He is based in love. 

Understanding who your higher power is rather you called them God, Father or Mother. I am learning to use a more personal word than that. Friend. You see my friend is showing me new things and a new direction to take in my journey. As I go through the garbage in my closet its this friend who is there supporting and encouraging me to do so. 

When we start cleaning out things we need to remember to try and not do it alone. Something I have trouble with which is one of the reasons I started this blog. To remind myself to get it out. 

13

Sometimes something happens that you wish to never speak of again. I have had several of those moments in my life. More than I care for to be quite honest. I've briefly stated that I lived in the woods for three years. The second boys home I went to was called Youth Estates. It was being run by a psychiatrist at the time. He had approval to try out a new program taking troubled teens out of society and then slowly reintroducing them back. I guess the thought behind this was fuck I don't know to be honest I can speculate but that doesn't mean its right.

I had been living with my Dad for about 7 months since he took me out of my first boys home. I was successful at getting negative attention from him. I tried several times in a positive way but that never got me anywhere with him. But the negative that got his fucking attention. I came home one day with a bad report card and my Dad did as he always did told me to go to his room drop my pants and he will be there in a minute. He beat me and then threw me out of the house told me he wasn't going to have a dumb ass living with him. Having no where to go I just walked the streets for awhile. I ran into some friends and we played for a bit and then they went home and I wondered what I was going to eat. About that time an officer saw me and pulled up next to me. He could see the fresh bruises from the belt my dad just beat me with on my arm and part on my neck. 

I don't really remember how the conversation went I just remember the guy taking me all the way out to burger king by exit 3. I was fucking hungry. He got me some food and we headed back to downtown St'marys where the police station was. He took me in the station and a Lady was there and she started talking to me and they had me remove my shirt and she started taking pictures.
I ended up going to my second foster home that night. I had been in one prior to going to Bethesda boys home in Savannah Georgia. I remember having some stuff in a suitcase at dads girlfriends house where all this happened at. When I got my suitcase it was empty. I asked about the stuff in it and the lady said that's all dad gave her. 

I stayed in foster care pretty much until a week before going to Youth Estate. I was then in custody of my Dad once again. We already knew I was going there so it was mostly just getting the stuff I was told I would need. 

I still remember that day I walked in there. Dad had decided dumb asses didn't need hair so he got me a crew cut. So I was basically bald I was scared and I had no idea of what to expect. I mean I had some idea having already been in one boys home but this was way different. Yeah it had cottages like Bethesda and that kind of thing but I was being placed out in the woods to live in an 8x12 plywood cabin. I got introduced to my group and said my goodbyes and off into the woods we went. 

The first night was a defining moment in my life. You see I was 11 when I went to Youth Estate. I had turned 11 in the foster home I was in. This was just before Christmas. I was puny and the older bigger boys took their turn. I remember thinking why was I so horrible that my parents didn't want me anymore. What did I do to make them move away from each other? Why was I even fucking born? A question I still ask my self regrettably. 

I suffered a great humiliation and unfortunately it wasn't the only time. Anyways there was another thing that would happen it was called the circle. Basically the group leaders (adults paid to watch us) would leave camp and the boys would put you in the circle and punch, kick, cuss and even hit with sticks. I remember when I was getting my ass kicked by everyone that I had the thought I hope they kill me. I was already tired of being here. I had nothing, no one and no where to go.

Sometimes holding them in and not talking about them are more damaging then the events themselves. I have fully recovered from the physical abuse but the mental that is another story all together. I'm a communicator. When I deny myself who I am then I just fall apart. I've kept so much garbage in and I don't even know how to start pitching it. So I'm just pitching. 

While this is a very painful moment for me not only in my own history but to relive the events. I know that if I try to keep these things in they are only going to destroy what is left of me. And honestly I'm just holding on by a thread as it is.  Every day is a constant battle for me anymore. Do I decide to care enough to hold on or do I just do it. 

I would encourage anyone who has dealt with similar issues to please find people to talk to. Listen to them and help them help you. Do not spend your life suffering as I do and taking it out on everyone. We are not hopeless or helpless. We just have no fucking clue of what to do. Physically I'm a 45 year old man but emotionally I'm still that 11 year old boy who is scared to fucking death.

I'm not sure whats going to happen to me. I know what I desire but my weakness is steadfast. How does one find value in themselves when they have lost it? I really don't fucking know. Words alone will not do.