21

This last week has been one hell of a roller coaster. I've been up, down, twisted and sideways. The energies have been so high and the emotions are stirring up so many vibrations my brain has been in over load.

So many times we focus on something with the wrong reason. We think we are supposed to look back and remember the pain but forget that its that very pain that has forever changed us. Depressives like myself internalize everything. We have a very hard time reaching out and trusting people. 

For months I focused on the pain of my loss of Michele. I was looking only at what I no longer had and not at what she had so graciously given me. As I started looking at those wonderful gifts I at first felt shame for my behavior towards her now I just feel blessed. Looking at those gifts made me realize that I don't have to live my life in fear. I'm not obligated to do so and neither are you.

We pour so much great energies into the wrong things and wonder why we feel drained. Its the overload affect. The vibrations are so strong that it makes everything chaotic but beautiful. If I had poured my energy into the right things sooner maybe things would have been different. But that is one of those things that in the end it is what it is. I have it now and I'm running with it.

Where the road goes no body knows ;) That's the beauty of life. We are supposed to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Yes sometimes not having control can be scary but lets face it we don't have it anyways.

The only thing I can truly control is my response to something other than that its not in my hands. For so many years I have responded wrong. I hated because I lived in fear. I'm not good enough. Why is the world against me. Why am I so undeserving. All these stupid negative questions instead of asking the most important one. Why am I not loving myself? 

When you look at the question from an internal view instead of an external one you start to realize you haven't been honoring your true self. I hurt people because of my selfishness and living a fear based life. Michele always was showing me who I really am and the best way I know to honor her is to be the person she knew me to be and better. 

Where this life is taking me is unknown nor cared about. I realize and understand I'm going to make more mistakes. I'm going to suffer other pain. However I know that they are all helping me to become the man Michele saw and the one Lisa see's. After all becoming truer to ourselves is why we are here.