15

I woke up this morning in a very negative mood. I'm not sure why I woke up feeling so incredibly alone and unworthy but I did. I sat out this morning and was just completely sick of the alone feeling. I mean I know I have a few people around me that care very much and I am so grateful for them. Its just hard when no one understands you. I lost the one who seemed to and I'm still very lost and very scared. 

I got to start thinking about the way I felt when I was a child and realized I've never stopped feeling that way. I never had anyone but me. I remember I would write letters to mom and dad and sometimes I would get a reply. If mom hadn't left the place she last wrote from then it was nice to get the reply. For dad I guess it depended on his mood or whatever.

I had to remember that during my time in Youth Estate no one from my family really contacted me or wrote me. I did get a visit once from my grandparents and it was nice but short. There was one Lady who always seemed to stay in touch with me and her name was Lyda. She was my Grandfathers wife on my moms side. My mom lost her mom when she was 9 to cancer. I still can here my mom telling me how she lost her mom at age nine. To bad I never thought to tell her well sorry but I lost mine at age 7.

Lyda I believe I met once when I was 5. I don't really remember her but do remember a little about my Grandfather. He was half Indian. When his wife died he left my mom with her aunt in Savannah and he went to Colorado. Which set the stage for mom later in life to walk away from me. So thanks Grandpa love you to you bastard. Lyda wrote to me all the time and was very consistent until she passed. She was a great lady and I thank you for her. Michele was my new Lyda and again I've lost someone special.

I don't know why I can't seem to be cut out for someone. I've busted my ass to try and be a good husband and a good father. Unfortunately I was a good husband to the wrong person. Fortunately I was a good dad to the right people. And while I love my kids there are just somethings they can't fulfill in me. And no one else wants to.

I've always felt like I was being punished for being born and surviving. I still feel that way a lot of times. Like I was a really really horrible person and I don't know maybe I was. I just know this If this is to be my life I want to give it back. I want no more chances no repeats no coming back. I've been defeated 

If this isn't to be my life then I honestly don't know. I am to hurt to be able to see beyond my pain at this moment. 

In my eyes you see no pride
In my eyes you see no light
In my eyes you see a tear
In my eyes you see my fear
In my eyes you see my love
In my eyes you see no plight
In my eyes you see my hate
In my eyes you see my fate

Forever all alone