11

Yesterday I got to do something I haven't done in almost a year and that was cook a Boston butt out on the grill. For those of you who do not know what that is its a pork shoulder roast. I slow cooked it for about 7 hours and it just fell of the bone and was so moist and tender mmmm just cant wait for lunch now :)

Having some time to think about things in my life and what I need to do with certain things has given me time to understand where my fear comes from. My dad was dating a lady back in the early 80's she had two boys of her own. Me and the other two boys one day decided we were going to have a car wash business. So we made up signs and actually made a few dollars. We were so proud of ourselves for accomplishing something. My dad decided that since we were a business that we needed to understand and appreciate what it takes to run a business so he ended up with all our money and gave us a bill for the soap we used and for the water. 

While I was too young to understand it at the time when I look back I can see that was one of those defining moments in my life. When I realized that My dad was a greedy bastard. He spent a majority of his life investing into his retirement. To bad I never meant enough for him to invest in me like that.

My mom well she just married another alcoholic and spent most of the next 15 years on the road going from place to place sending me letters that I would reply to and inevitably get back with a no forwarding address. She never recovered from that life and is in suffering for it now. She spent her whole life investing in other men again to bad I didn't mean enough to her to invest in.

Both my parents gave up in life when their expectations were not met and I suffered for it. My Dad Mr Responsible is disgusted that he worked for 50 years of his life and now has to pay for someone like my Mom who gets disability because of her lifestyle choices. While the part of me who somewhat grew up under him I do understand his point of view I also understand that we all make someone else pay for our mistakes. I mean after all I grew up in boys homes and foster homes because of someone's mistake.

I never felt I was worthy of anything my whole life because I wasn't worth having parents. I was put out in the woods for 3 years taken completely out of society. We had to earn the privilege to take a trip to town. Then we were limited to where we could go and who we could talk to. Many of days I sat in a small wood cabin that we built watching the rain wondering why I was such a bad kid that no one wanted. I remember getting picked on and tripped up by the bigger boys. I can still hear the laughter of some of the Group Leaders (people hired to make sure we didn't kill each other) when I would get that treatment. I wasn't the only one there were about 5 of us who were pretty small. We were always targets. 

I guess I'm bringing this up because its one of those things I cannot seem to let go of. I don't wish to keep it just don't know how to get rid of it. I don't wish to dwell on things that cannot be changed but I lack the confidence in myself. I'm a very insecure person who has major trouble seeing value in himself. 

I wanted to have a life with someone I loved dearly but now I realize I was in no shape to have a life with anyone. While I'm still very remorseful that I hurt her I'm very grateful that I didn't do more damage than I would have done had we got together the way I wanted.

I don't know if she will ever forgive me I just know I have to forgive myself and move on the best I can. But I do so miss you Michele. 

Understanding where my fear steams from will help me be able to replace it with love. While I do admit at this point I'm not sure how that is going to happen I do know without my effort nothing will happen.

I am continuing to move forward the best I can and with some good guidance, patience and a lot of love I'll get there. I need to let go but I guess I have to do it at its time and not myne.