14

When cleaning the mental closet its important that you just not pitch out everything. We have good stuff in there and need to separate it from the garbage. This takes time and unfortunately that word patience. I know I stated that I'm just pitching but that's not entirely accurate. Yes I am starting to let go of some of the garbage but I have to look at it see what it is and ask myself why am I holding on to it? You see we must face the fear based thoughts to return them to love based thoughts. 

In every situation we have faced with someone we have a part and they have a part. When both parts are working together they can do well but if one breaks then they no longer work. I have to learn to accept what is mine and not what belongs to someone else. Remove the thorn from my own eye before trying to help someone else remove theirs. We have a tendency to judge and point the finger at the other and bitch that they are not doing their part instead of accepting our own responsibilities and fixing what is broke in ourselves.  

This fear based thinking is what has divided us. We are all just little cliques now. Each wanting to force their way and beliefs on to others. We say things like if your not with me your against me. Really? Why? And better yet How? We have been taught this thinking. We must change it. That fear based thought alone has destroyed families, friends and nations. 

My dad invested a majority of his life into his retirement. Every now and then him and my step mom go on a trip but 90% of the time I talk to him he is at home just watching the TV. The sad part about that is that because he never invested in me like he did for his retirement I feel that he traded me in for a fucking TV.

But it is what it is. He has to live his life the way he see's fit to do so for him and I have to live mine the way I see fit for me. If I judge him I will ultimately be judging myself. So I have to be careful of how I separate others garbage that I have collected with my own. Some what of a painful process. Because it requires absolute honesty with ones self. Something that many of us find difficult. We all do good and we all do bad. Not all can face what they have done. However not facing it means repeating it.

As I go through and relieve somethings I really rather forget I find myself procrastinating. I know its a fear based thought and I know I have to continue in order to get well. I tend to re-grab things that I really don't want to let go of. Its hard for me to stop. It's like seeing you are about to be in a wreck but cant do anything but watch it. I have to constantly remember to keep what is mine and get rid of the rest. Fix those things that are broke in me and let others make their own choices. Give them full free will as the father has given me. 

I admit I don't like others choices at times as I know others don't care for myne. I am becoming more conscience to not judge them and to only judge my own thoughts. And not my thoughts of them but my thoughts of fear.

A few different times in my life I was religious. I believed in the bible and the image of God it gives us. I don't remember if I ever went to church when mom and dad were together or not. I do remember I had to go when I was in Bethesda. I even remember going when I first moved in with dad before going to Youth Estate. We could go to church when I was in Youth Estate and did often. We were not allowed to participate or go to Sunday school. We could get the message and then go back to the woods. We loved going to church not because of the message but because of the girls. I remember a few times trying to reach out to a few girls. When your between 11 and 16 and live in the woods with a bunch of guys then girls were a great distraction.

I remember one Sunday standing in line for inspection. I had on my best Sunday outfit shirt tucked in shoes cleaned and shined. I however didn't have a belt. I don't know why I didn't I just remember I didn't. I was told to go to the tool shed and get a shovel and start digging up the grease trap outside the kitchen. I did as I was told and started digging the trap up. A bit later others showed up however they had all been allowed to change back into regular clothes seeing this I decided that I would go change. As I started to walk to the cottage that we had our lockers at and showered from the group leader asked me where I was going I told him I am going to change clothes he told me negative now get back on the shovel. 

I don't know how many people are familiar with a grease trap but its one of the nastiest smelling things you will ever encounter. Its a smell that has to wear off over a few day period. Once in your clothes you may as well through them out. One the grease will get in your washer and ruin other clothes you wash after that but two the smell never seems to come out. So for the next year I wasn't allowed to go to church. I had no other Sunday clothes and no way to get any.

When I did get back to church the focus once again was the girls and not God. After I left Youth Estate I didn't go to church for awhile. It wasn't until I was near my mid 20's before I went to a church again. I went for a few months and just dropped out. I even got into Wicca during that period. Learned somethings that started me really questioning who God is. I wasn't much into making potions or casting spells I was more intrigued with the philosophy. I didn't return again to church until I was about 35. I moved in with my dad who insisted I go to church. 

I stayed active in the church through out my marriage. I wanted to be a good dad and husband and made sure we went every Sunday. My wife and I joined a few small groups and tried to journey with this image of God. When my wife left I ended up leaving the church again.

After I got out all my Fuck you's to God and decided that the church was just a place for those who can afford it. I mean the church I went to had the motto “Real Relevant Relational” Yeah they were relational but just with their chosen few. Not one of them bothered to call me or come by and visit to check on me or see if I needed anything. It was though I never existed to them. I wrote the pastor a letter explaining my grief and instead of him writing me back he had his flunky assistant pastor do it. 

As I look back over my religious life I see that it was necessary for me in order to actually get a relationship with the one known as God. Not the bible image of him but the actual. You see the bible is a fear based book. Its used in a fear based way “Worship God or else burn in hell” And God is not based in fear. He is based in love. 

Understanding who your higher power is rather you called them God, Father or Mother. I am learning to use a more personal word than that. Friend. You see my friend is showing me new things and a new direction to take in my journey. As I go through the garbage in my closet its this friend who is there supporting and encouraging me to do so. 

When we start cleaning out things we need to remember to try and not do it alone. Something I have trouble with which is one of the reasons I started this blog. To remind myself to get it out.