25

The past few weeks have been kinda crazy. The emotions have been all over the place. As I learn to let go of those things that are holding me down. I see more of the chains that I have created along the journey and at first I get a bit discouraged. Its just that moment of well fuck I have a lot more shit to do.

I tend to over analyze things way to much and that hurts me at times. One of the reasons is because I have made bad decisions hastily and have suffered majorly for it. So over analyzing gives me an excuse not to make a decision. Which in reality is making a decision. 

All my life I have lived for others to love me instead of me loving me. Because I wasn't loving me I blocked them from loving me. I just didn't get that at the time. I spent to much time not loving me. I cannot allow others choices to determine who I am. That is my responsibility not theirs. 

Everyone has freewill. When we fully grasp what that means then we can start to grasp our own freewill. We are not limited unless we limit ourselves. When we fail to see the benefit of something we will repeat it until we do. We lack faith and belief because we choose to focus on the fear we have created.

Letting that fear go and living in love is a choice like all choices and yes it has consequences. This is not a bad thing or a negative thing. Its just a reaction to your action. 

When the state told me I wasn't stable enough to get custody of my daughter I could have reacted with a harsh negativity as I have done so in the past. However I decided to be thankful for even the opportunity to be considered. In doing that I have also showed them that I am more stable than they give me credit for. No maybe the time isn't right or maybe something better is around the corner that with her I could not be prepared for. It only helped strengthen my belief that I choose, not the circumstances.

I am learning to communicate more clearly my wants and desires and I am learning to allow things to go so I have room to accept that which I desire. I do understand its a process and it is easier as you do it.  

When we try to put our happiness on what others do we not only give them control of our lives but we are telling everyone including them, we don't love ourselves. Yes someone can do something that is very pleasing to me however its still my choice to be happy or not. They don't have that power over me only I do. My happiness comes from within me not from the outside. 

That doesn't mean outside influences don't get in the way sometimes because I still do hold on to some fear. I am learning to let them go as I journey in the love that I am. 

We are the author of our own lives and we decide the adventure we want. As I grasp that daily I am more and more free to do as I want with out fear. Fear will no longer hold me back from that which I want and desire. To many times I have allowed fear to rob me of the life I want and well I am tired of living that sin. 

I say sin but not really as you understand it. You see religion has taught us that sin is what separates us from God but honestly nothing separates us from God other than our own minds. Sin is allowing fear to keep you from Love. That is all it really is. Sin is not against another person but against yourself. To deny yourself is sin.

Others decisions are not a reflection of me they are a reflection of them. I grasp that now. Thank you highers for such a wonderful insight and allowing me to share.