28

I was at the camp last night by myself and had some time to think about a lot of things. I've spent a great deal of my life wanting someone to love me and it was this morning that I realized that is not the case. I have people that Love me and even care for me what I don't have is someone who wants me. 

Let me explain. By the time I was seven I was in a foster home. I was placed there during my parents divorce. After the divorce I stayed with my Grandparents on my Dads side for a bit before going into my first boys home at age 8. I was then transferred back to my dad for a bit before my second boys home. I left that home and went into a foster home and then to another foster home before I went back to my dads who eventually through me out for having pot. He only was concerned with protecting his job and his retirement. He didn't care why I was smoking pot because he really didn't want me.

As I look back I see it isn't love that was lacking it was just being wanted. People say you have to love yourself before others can love you and I do love me I mean I am still here I did not kill myself years ago like I wanted to why because I love me. I take care of me and do the best I can by me. Yes there is room for improvement but we all have that. Just understanding the knowledge that I do love me and have always loved me left me with the revelation that because no one else wanted me I haven't wanted me.

I don't know how to want me. My parents didn't want me. My grandparents didn't seem to want me. No one else in my family wanted me. My aunt Kim died when I was about 13 and her two daughters were eventually adopted by my aunt Eileen. While I am grateful that the two girls were wanted by my family I am also sad that none of them wanted me. When ever I have visited any of my family I have always just felt like I was a guest and never family. The boys homes and foster homes really didn't want me and the cycle continued. I never really had anyone who actually just wanted me. My wife didn't want me and numerous of other lady's didn't want me. The rejection I have carried all these years has nothing to do with love and everything to do with wanting me.

I recently went through a breakup and I thought it was because I am just not lovable but that is not the case. I just am not wanted. I don't know how to want me. I never learned but yet everyone in my life past and present seem to think I should know. I grew up in the woods and was taken out however the woods were not taken out of me. You see I grew up not being wanted by the entire society. No one cared what happened to us we were just troubled youth. 

The only people who ever made me feel wanted only wanted something from me and not me. My wife didn't want me she wanted the title wife and a sucker to pay for her shit. I think now maybe she was right Maybe I am just a stupid moronic idiot. 

People are very good at telling me what I need but they suck at showing me and helping me to understand what I need. I have had people give me things to listen to and to read however with out the basic understanding of what I am suppose to learn its like looking at Chinese and trying to figure it out when I don't know Chinese.

The best way I learn is hands on. Having someone go through the difficult task to show me and help me understand so that I can do it. That is what I lack. I lack someone willing to show me those things I don't understand like how to want me.  

Someone told me I choose this life BULLFUCKINGSHIT. I do not believe I choose anything. I don't believe we chose our lives before we come here. I do not believe in Angels or any other higher form of being. Life has taught me that there is no one out there routing for me. 

They tell me have faith and hope well let me tell you what faith and hope have done for me. NOT ONE FUCKING THING. I have no more faith and I have no more hope in anything. I desire to have them but life has taught me they don't exist for me.

I am a priority for none. I wish to be however do not know how to be. Even if someone did want me I wouldn't have a fucking clue as to what that looks like. 

So instead of judging me I would only ask that you try to understand my perspective. If you wish for me to understand yours then fucking teach me how to see it and don't just expect that I can. I am not that smart.