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Yesterday I said that I didn't know what to do from here but something has to change and I have to try something. Last night before I went to bed I had the thought of waking up and doing 3 things to help me focus on my day in a more positive light.  I wrote the three things down in my Google Keep on my phone and set a daily reminder for it for in the am about time I wake up. 

The three things on my list are:
1. Say three things I am grateful for
2. Say something positive about myself
3. Forgive myself

This morning I woke up and did these things. While i'm not feeling like a million bucks I do feel better than I have in a while. I know something can change and I am doing my best to change into a better direction for me. Last time I started doing for me but it quickly became for someone else who no longer wishes to speak to me. This time there is no one and honestly doesn't need to be anyone. Sure I do desire someone but for now I just need to focus on me and what it is I truly want.

I have to learn to let things go and move forward and I am focusing on doing just that. I know its not an easy road and I have many obstacles in my way however I really want it this time and I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do. 

I lost faith in other things because I lacked faith in me. I may not have much but with faith a little can go a long way. I trust in me to do what is best for me. I am learning to trust in the highers and am grateful they even bother with me. 

I'm going to close with the ending lyrics of Lateralus by Tool because sometimes we just have to keep going.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.

red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.

lets me see there is so much more

and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.

As below, so above and beyond, I imagine

drawn outside the lines of reason.

Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.

Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.

Reaching out to embrace the random.

Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to, I embrace my desire to

feel the rhythm, to feel connected

enough to step aside and weep like a widow

to feel inspired, to fathom the power,

to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,

to swing on the spiral, to swing on the spiral,

to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself

between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.

I feel it move across my skin.

I'm reaching up and reaching out.

I'm reaching for the random or whatever will bewilder me.

Whatever will bewilder me.

And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.

We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going...