143

I’ve been a bit more reclusive lately. Just hanging in my room when not out doing things and just either watching a show, writing on a script or sleeping. I haven’t felt the need to be very social lately and I feel like its a good thing right now. I wish I knew how to explain it or even express it but its just where I’m needed to focus on my ultimate me.

I’ve done a lot of changing over the last year. I just got another year older in numbers I still feel like I did at the last age so its not different yet lol. I’m still in the process of creating myself and I need the time to allow my brain to sort things out. I get slow sometimes and have a hard time understanding certain things but when I do I usually understand them from that point forward.

So even though I am quiet on the outside. The inside is far different. I’m processing things and allowing myself to understand those things I need to. I’m busy not staying wrapped up in myself. I still try to do those little things that count like grab a buggy for someone so they don’t have to walk it to the closest carrosal. Or leave the change in the change thing. Not the bills just the change. It may be exactely what they need a small blessing :)

Any ways I know it may not seem like much but honestly I cannot really afford to leave the change but its seems since doing so I have been more blessed. I’m not saying that life is peachy keen and that all is perfect in my world but I am saying that it doesn’t matter if it is or it isn’t whats going on out there only affects a perspective but whats going on inside of me is changing affect.

So much of my life has been spent in service of one sort or another. It is through our deeds of service that we beging to understand our humanity. That we have passion, compassion and love. This is the strong foundation of life.

We are social creatures and those of us like me who can become very reclusive just little contacts here and there are all we need to satisfy that need. I’m happy by myself well I guess I can’t say I am by myself as this loud meow just reminded me :D yes I have adopted a Cat his name is Sparta(already Named) and he is a cool cat. He is good company :)

I got to talk to my daughters on my Birthday it was nice. I also talked to my Dad. I didn’t do anything special I just enjoyed it the way I choose to and that was that.

Its awesome to look back to where some of my relationships were and to where some of them are. I do enjoy those in my tribe. I’m forever greatful to the highers for them.

I pray you all peace, goodwill and good fortune. Share in the freedom that awakens you from within the soul. Allow the love into your heart and spread the joy of the feeling. Focus more on what you can do for others than what you can do for yourself. Instead of saying what do I need to do today try saying where/how can I be useful today.

No its not something I practice daily but I’ve become more conscience of it. To find God isn’t hard all you have to do is look. Be ready for not what you expect but what you don’t expect remember God works in mysterious ways. Get back in tune with yourself. Let go of the anger and the stress that holds us back.

Keep faith. No not religious, just the understanding that its all going to be ok.

A little fyi your not doing good deeds for those you know its those you don’t that you do a good deed for.

142

It has been a busy day today. I had a Orthopedic appointment just for the doctor to go yep you have deterioration and arthritis in my spine an neck. Nothing that can really be done about it. I then had Melissa come which originally she was then she wasn’t then we made it work.

I learned something very valuable the past few days. It is so easy for me to fall back to those negative core beliefs. I have always got to be on guard against that. Its absolutely like what Melissa pointed out today about Alcoholism You can have a year of not drinking but one drink makes you start all over. She was so dead on with that one.

Even though I had earlier sorted things out with the situation that upset me to start with I found that I had already went back to those very core beliefs I have been working so hard on replacing with the better core values.

I also have to remember I am still in the healing process and every now and then a scab gets picked off or scrapped off and then the wound starts bleeding again. The recent events only showed me I still have more work to do with my ability to communicate with others in a way that they can understand where I am coming from. I still have to be on guard of those old core beliefs that I held on to for way to long.

I’m also very grateful to Karen who took time to allow me to explain my position and understood my heart in that matter. I thank the highers always for those they have put in my life as I know that I’m exactly where I need to be.

After getting a hold of someone in Social Security I found out I have about a 19 month wait and I’ve only been 13. So it could potentially be a minimum of 9 more months before I will have an answer.

So in the mean time I just have to continue to do my best to show my appreciation to everyone for all their support and efforts on my behalf. Will I be perfect at it probably not however I can’t learn if I don’t screw up occasionally.

I again just thank yall for allowing me to get those things out that I need so I can see how to progress to that better me I am being ;)

May the highers (Your God) bless you and may you always remember that everyone has issues allow them to learn their lessons as you have to learn yours. I am so thankful for all of you who are there supporting me :D

The journey continues...

141

So far I’m not doing a very good job of keeping up in here. I apologize for that. I just been doing what I can to make it through this life. The past few weeks have proven to be very interesting and difficult at the same time and now I am at a crossroad.

I recently tried to explain something I cannot support but failed at it epically. I also seem to have had a friendship end which I’m not sure why but if that is what she needs then so be it. I’m tired of fighting to be in a world that just truly doesn’t want me here.

I was thrown in the woods and treated like an animal then thrown back into society and I am expected to be like everyone else. WTF! I’m sorry I don’t fit in to your world and I honestly don’t understand why I’m not wanted.

I’m not sure where I am going from here but I do know that I will survive it. Life has taught me that at least. But if I don’t then it really doesn’t matter its not like I’m of any real importance in this world.

So alone and confused in a world I truly cannot understand :(

140

Sorry its been awhile since I last logged on. I have been fairly busy lately and really haven’t had the time or energy to get on. I have had some good days and I have had some not so good ones. I’m just taking life one day at a time.

Not a whole lot to discuss as I am really just getting myself back together. I continue to give thanks and am very grateful to be in the position I am in. My friendships have strengthened and I’m in a much better place than I was just even a year ago.

The journey is not complete yet though thankfully and I still have room to grow. I’m just doing my best at the moment to stay positive and focus on where I am going.

Summer has appeared to come to an abrupt end. We have been having fall temperatures since last month. Kids are all back in school and now the holiday season is about to get rolling. This last year has gone by so quick I almost feel like I missed it.

Anyways I just wanted to let yall know I aint dead somewhere in a ditch :) As I get more inspired I’ll write more.

Remember the Roller Coaster is always moving and going and its always there the best thing to do is ride with a smile and have a good time. Life is to short to do anything but.

Keep your faith and watch for your highers to talk to you. Take advantage of every moment in full gratitude. Be strong in your confidence and know that the highers are with you everywhere. No they wont stop you from falling but they will catch you if you do. Its just a matter of giving up our illusion of control and recognizing that they are better at it.  

139

While the past couple of weeks have been hard on me I did not fall backwards instead I made another leap forward. Yes I allowed someone elses personality to affect my own disorder. I started instantly thinking negatively which told me I am taking things way to personally still.

I am so grateful for the highers who have been one of the main reasons I have been able to manage. The other reason is Melissa who challenged me to change that thinking pattern and remember everyone has their own issues and not all is about me.

I do seem to take it more personal if a woman has an issue with me than a man. I am assuming that has to do with the rejection my mother gave me. I have had the past 24 hours to myself which was very much needed for me to be able to regain my strength to continue this evolutionary journey.

The book is not closed and I continue to move forward even if I fall down. I just get up and go again. While I will not apologize for my seemingly down fall I do say that its all part of releasing the old and starting the new.

Besides the highers three other people have been very helpful even if they havent seen that yet. Of course they are Lisa, Melissa and Michele. I am just so grateful for their continued support of me and sticking with me against all the odds.

I just have to remember to appreciate what I do have and not worry about what I don’t and honestly that is a very very hard thing for me to do. However I do what I must to continue to become a better me.

Peace my dear friends and my you always see a way to grow :)

138

I really feel like I have out stayed my welcome on this planet. The only thing that seems to matter to some is what I can do for them other than that I feel like I’m just useless trash that doesn’t deserve to be in the same world as the rest of you.

I’m sorry that I have been deemed not worthy of breathing your good air. I’m not sure what I did in my previous life but apparently it was very bad and I don’t deserve to have any life.

I wanted so much to be able to change my perspective however it seems that there are energies against this. I’m so grateful for the place I stay but I feel so unwelcomed by a certain party and I just don’t know If I can continue to live this way.

I’m sorry I grew up in the swamps of Georgia and that we had to use an outhouse and had not convenient running water to always clean ourselves. I’m sorry I grew up in a world you truly will never be able to understand and I pray that it never happens to anyone else.

I’m sorry my mother deemed me unfit for love and therefore all others have as well. Again all I can do is say I’m sorry for doing that which I do not know I have done.

Forgive me for interfering with your lives and being such a burden on this world. I honestly wasn’t ready for the expectations that have been placed upon me.  

137

Sometimes I get reminded of just how important my feelings and thoughts are. Now I will admit my timing isn’t always the best but I do feel I deserve some bit of respect but again maybe I am having an expectation I don’t deserve to have.

I have been kicked ever since I came into this world. I’m not sure of the wrong I have done before that caused me to have such a horrible experience with life. I feel like i’m nothing more than a slave who is at the mercy of others who can never understand the experience's I have lived through.

Not only can they not relate they just really seem to not give a damn either. Its just another reminder to me of how our humanity has been lost. I’m sorry I am not deemed worthy of this life and I am sorry that I even appeared. I’m so so very sorry your world hates me and see no good in me.

I have done so much to change myself however I get treated like i’m lower than life and honestly maybe I am. I really don’t know anymore.

I was off my meds for 5 days and its seems to have taken much longer than the first time to readjust. I am uncertain of anything anymore. While I am so grateful I am also so disapointed that I chose to even experience life. I am just so confused anymore of who or what I am supposed to be to people. I really hate life and I’m sorry if that upsets people but honestly I’m tired of the cruelity.

Please forgive me for wanting to enjoy a life that apparently most people feel I am unworthy of. :(

I thank the highers for being with me though these difficult times and I only pray that they continue to do so.

136

Was supposed to be at the camp this evening enjoying myself and some alone time. Those plans were changed Sunday when Karen decided to go to Virginia. However it wasn’t really Karen’s decision to go with Brad that changed my plans no it was an over zealous Bitch that just wanted to have a reason to display her power for what ever the fuck that is.

She bitched at Karen about she’ll have to take off work if Karen goes with Brad and I was at the camp her reason was incase there was an emergency. First there is a Fifteen year old young lady here more than capable of watching her brother and sister for a day. Next we have a family friend that lives right behind us that the kids go to and hang out all the time.

Now tonight I’m here at the house watching the kids and guess what this fucking bitch and her boyfriend are out somewhere. And lets not forget to mention she left sometime before 10 am this morning and was gone all day. So is this the real reason she was worried about Karen not being here She didn’t want to leave the kids alone in front of the boyfriend so she can convince him she is a good mom?

First everything with her is a problem there is never a solution because unless she actually thinks of a solution everything you think of will have a problem of some kind. Its very old, tiring and very sickening.

When I feel that I am just being taken advantage of it really hurts my feelings. It reminds me that I am not equal in your eyes but below you only to be viewed as a slave to follow orders. If my living conditions are going to make me feel less than human then its time to come up with another plan.

Seriously I don’t care what my situation is I still deserve to be treated with dignity and respect the same I do my best to display to those around me. I bend over three ways backwards to help out and to just start dumping shit on me with out giving me any real say is bullshit. Even the dogs get treated better than that :(

Its very sad and very hard to see someone that has a very serious mental illness as I do and they are so far gone into denial that not even Peter Pan has anything on her.

I set out to change the person I was and become a better person so I faced my disabilities and learned to work with them the best that I can. I have sought out help to guide me in those area’s I lack in.

To live with someone who doesn’t want that because they don’t think there is anything wrong with them is very frustration and very hard. Its so bad that I’m actually to a point that I physically cringe when I am about to be faced by her. Honestly at this point I’m not sure how much her being around me is hindering my own growth.

I do know it’s a hindrance and as much as I don't’ want to admit a blessing as well. The blessing is only that its making me more determined to change for a better me, the rest is more hindrance than help :(

I’m still very grateful which is probably the only thing keeping me afloat right now. I am just doing everything in my power to keep my positive streak going as I really am tired of living in the negative. I just honestly don’t think I will be able to handle living in such negativity for much longer. My anxiety has climbed back up and I have broke down a few times already and took my Kolonopin.

Just doing what I can to keep my focus on whats truly important. ME. However I am having a very difficult time doing such being trapped in the negativity of another who’s in denial :(

135

Written Saturday July 1 2017

Down at the camp this weekend for the 4^th of July celebrations. I came down with the kids. Mel and Ryan came down a bit later. Its been a pleasant feeling weekend as far as the weather goes. I’m here by myself at the moment as everyone had to go to a birthday party for one of the kids cousins. So I ended up with a nice peaceful day to myself. :D

When I woke up this morning I had a talk with the highers and I asked a question and they replied maybe I’m not asking the right question. The question I was asking is why am I having difficulty letting these things go that really are not serving me. I was reminded of the changes I have recently made and told that the change is only a part of the process I still must allow the process to continue.

It hit me like a ton of bricks I’m still trying to control that which isn’t myne to control. I’m not allowing the process to do its job every time I try to control it. There for I can’t let go until I allow the process to complete then those things I still hold on to will slowly start to vanish. It basically boiled down to them telling me to Just Be Patent Asshole :/

Its helped me to see I’m still dealing with a lot of anxiety and I am beginning to feel it again. I haven’t broke down to a Kolonopin yet but I feel it may be getting time. I still have a few weeks before I see the Doc again so I need to mention that maybe and increase in the celexia may be in order. :( Really don’t want these meds but sometimes evil is necessary.

I did get a text from my oldest this morning inviting me to come out Monday for a cookout so I am looking forward to going and hanging out with her and the grandson for the day :)

I still am in a much better place than I have been ever. I am still keeping my focus and handling that which comes my way with the best of my ability. While there maybe limitations to that ability I strive to overcome them and be that better me.

I am just so grateful to have highers that have been faithful to me and feel so honored to have that kind of love.

Have a Wonderful Independence day America and for the rest of the world you have and awesome day as well ;)

Light it if you have it and Let Freedom Ring ;)

134

Yesterday I put away and retired a dear old friend. No its not as bad as it sounds what really happened is my old cell phone has been dying for a while and I was just recently given a newer phone. My old LG Nexus 5 has been with me for the past few years and while it may just be a piece of technology for most for me it was like and extension of me.

I had a lot of good conversations with that phone and even some not so good ones. However I cannot blame the phone for the conversations only the people involved :)

It was a consistent thing in my life for the time it needed to be and now its time for it to rest and enjoy retirement ;) The new phone is a Motorola Z Force Droid. Its a very nice phone and besides a few minor issues I really like it.

Everything and everyone we come into contact with has a purpose for being there and while that purpose may not always be as obvious as a cell phone you can be assured there is a purpose for it.

I went down to the camp last Friday with Kelly my roommates oldest. My intent was to get down there and get the trailer washed on Friday and when the rest came down Saturday It would be all done. It actually worked out that way but I had to get up Saturday to do it before they arrived. You see it poured on us the whole way down there and damn near the entire night. We got like 2 small breaks where we could unload the truck and I was able to start on the roof of the trailer.

Even though the rain foiled my plans for Friday it was still a great day. I just took advantage of the situation and enjoyed sitting out under the awning and enjoying the falling rain and a great buzz :D Kelly was in the trailer watching movies and playing on her phone. She was happy, I was happy so great day :)

Saturday I did get the trailer washed and I got it done before everyone arrived so that was a good bonus. The rest of the weekend was nice and I just enjoyed the relaxation.

I did have a bad afternoon Monday. Someone did something that I was just hurt about and to top it off I had forgot to take my meds that day so I was already edgy. At the time I couldn’t figure out why it was later I realized I didn’t take my meds.

Even though I felt a bit pissy the rest of the evening it only lasted the rest of the evening and didn’t fall into the next day. Yeah I was and am still a bit upset about it but I let it go. I had to realign my focus and I did. I am proud of me for that. I didn’t let something fester for days and days like I had so many times before.

It was a moment I held in gratitude of my highers who have helped me see the better side of things and to understand things will happen and its only up to me how I receive it and act.

I have built faith from nothing into the gratitude I live today. And while not every circumstance will be received with love and understanding I do have a conscience about it and have been striving towards being at peace with not the circumstance’s but myself. The highers again helped me make another leap forward towards my higher self. Careful Melissa I know what your thinking here :D

Speaking of that higher self lol Time to smoke a bowl or three :D

Live in Love and Light be at peace with you and relax your only changing the world one person at a time ;)  

133

I woke up this morning went outside to the garage like I do pretty much every morning. I got to witness the beautiful songs of the birds as they were ushering in the new morning. I sat and thought how blessed am I that I get to witness such amazing beauty.

Just another grateful day :) and while they may not all go according to my plan they do go with my gratitude. My heart is light and filled with joy. I understand the messages from the wise ones who cheerfully share their wisdom with me. I have gained a peace that I have not been able to feel for such a long time. I let anger go.

Anger was not serving me it was destroying me. It was destroying those around me and even destroyed some that mean the world to me. I decided no more could I hold on to this or I would truly loose my last bit of sanity.

It wasn’t easy and it doesn’t mean I never get angry. However now when I get angry I look at why I am angry and deal with it the best I can however it doesn’t last now. Yes I can be angry for a few hours but that’s so much better than the last 40 + years that I carried it.

Since letting go of my anger I have noticed that depression has dropped down as well. I may get depressed but usually for only a few hours not a few weeks. I still have some anxiety issues that I carry and between the medication and the meditation and of course the bong hits ;) I seem to be able to handle it a lot better and even those fits are not lasting as long.

I have other things I want to let go of at the moment but the highers have had me slow it down reminding me that I don’t want quick change I want lasting change. And while things have seemed to go quick to this point in my view I suppose that is the result of letting go of something huge that has been holding me back. I need to take time to process how to live with the changes. I’m doing that and talking to the highers about it all the time.

Just as contentment does not mean satisfaction. Joy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It’s again just being grateful for those things that you have been exposed to. Its a choice. Its deciding to be happy not do to circumstances but because that’s just how I wish to be. I lived in doom and gloom enough and have let that go to expose myself to better things.

Aligning myself within the positive aspects of life has given me a much better perspective of me and who I am. I am a loving caring person. I am mechanically inclined. I have common since. I am intelligent. I am open and honest. I am a giving person. I have a wonderful since of humor. Not to mention how fucking awesomely good looking I am ;) :D

I used to have trouble seeing myself of being of any value and now I’m so thankful to see the true value of who I am. I am forever grateful to Michele who showed me I had value to begin with.

It is weird sometimes to look and see how different I am today compared to a year ago. It almost seems like another person but I do have a personality disorder so hmmmm lol. No I am me and I couldn’t be happier that I have not only been able to learn some humiliating lessons I have been able to shine from them.

I’m heading off to the camp this weekend. Mel and the kids will be going and Mels boyfriend Ryan should be coming as well. So it will be a house full. But at least there are trails and stuff to keep everyone busy :) I look forward to the mornings when they are all asleep and I can just sit out and enjoy nature and some mighty hits ;)

I continue this journey with joy and contentment. I keep walking the path that I am on with a new found excitement. I stay on it with gratitude.

132

Last week was definitely an interesting week. I came back home on monday from having a great weekend at the camp on my own :) I got back into my normal routine and the day was good. Tuesday was the greatest day last week as I have finally gotten my divorce final :D)))) The rest of the week was decent. I worked on the blazer on Wednesday and epically failed at fixing it :( however even though I got frustrated it wasn’t a real bad day. The rest of the week picked up and the weekend was good.

I didn’t get back to the camp nor did I get the chance to catch up with Alaina and Bryson however my stomach was at fault there :/ I am feeling better but still have a little stomach issue.

I want to get down to the camp to give the trailer a much needed bath and hope to do so before this weekend even though its looking like that may be the only time I will have to make it down there.

I’m doing good and I’m so grateful for the blessings that have and are constantly being giving to me. No they may not be exactely what I hope for but they are a great comfort and are exactely what I need :)

My finger has almost healed I have only a little dead skin left and its improving daily :) again a wonderful blessing that was given to me that I am so grateful for. I had come to peace knowing that I may loose the tip and so grateful that it turned out so much better than I could have hoped for :)

I’ve been talking with my highers a bit here trying to figure out why I cannot let go of a few things I desire to remove such as the Cigareettes and Soda’s. I have tried letting them both go these past few weeks and its just not happening. The answer I have gotten so far is the time isn’t right. I’m not sure why but I am still waiting for the Government at this point and as anyone thats has been in this position can tell you that is stressfull enough.

The lesson I got from this is yes I may be ready but I also have to be paitent and allow things to again happen as they are supposed to. I’m not letting go because I am still trying to control something that is not myne to control.

So its a slow it down and take it easy message. To much change at once can leave you to drained to continue so take it slow steady and stay on track. Your disease wants it now so don’t feed it.

I continue to allow them to direct me as I know they know best. My higher self is glowing stronger than it ever has and my inner peace has become more at home. I have learned that true contentment isn’t being satisfied its just being grateful for what you do have. I strive for contentment in that aspect. To remain grateful. Understanding that life is a gift to be shared.

I got to watch a nice thunderstorm last night and enjoy a nice rain. Its the first we have had in a while. Lately it seems like the storms all get to our door then they fall apart. The yard is now looking much nicer as the grass seems to be healtier now.

I appreciate being able to have the sight to see the living God around me always active in helping me to continue to push forward and be the man I know I truly am.

131

Note: this was written on Saturday June 10 2017 - Posted today

Down at the camp this morning and the weather was just so beautiful. Not to hot not to cold but just right for me :) The birds were singing and nature was revealing its self as she woke up to greet the day.

Last night I burned some sage on the somewhat fire I had and said a prayer to the full moon and my highers and enjoyed a wonderful peaceful relaxing feeling. The feeling has definitely carried on this morning.

I don’t have an internet connection out here at the moment so this will probably be delayed in being published but the feeling is with me and I wish to stick to it and write this out.

My finger is doing much much better. Its still sore and I can only type a few minutes at a time before I have to let it rest but it sure beats hunt and peck lol :)

I had a really good chat with my Dad last night. We talked for a bit and had a great conversation and its nice to see that we both are doing much better in our work :) I’m at least fortunate enough to have one loving caring parent who truly regrets his past but is learning to move beyond it and I’m proud that he is my Dad.

Sitting here this morning and smoking a few good bowls catching a nice buzz and just seeing the beauty and awe that life truly is. The blessings my highers have bestowed upon me my whole life just has me in such a layer of gratitude.

Its strange when you start letting things go and look back and see all the times that your highers were with you even when you were not. Each moment I see from my past now is with gratitude and joy. I personally have survived so much I on my own would not have but because of the awesome love that my highers have for me I did survive it and as bad as things were for me in my world back then I lucked up having them not be worse.

I am so grateful for this new perspective the highers have again graced me with. I pray everyone gets the opportunity to get to know their highers as they will show you such an awesome life if you allow it.

I’m in a much higher place than I can recall ever being in and I do pray for those of you who are struggling with the past issues that you will be able to release those things and live not only in gratitude but in awe of how awesome life truly is. Its not always and easy road and the highers know it took me long enough to learn accept and apply but each step forward I take the closer I become the higher me I choose to be.

The closer I become the higher me the more I wish to share it. I want all of the people to have happier more enjoyable lives. It does my heart good to see people doing so and to me that is the biggest reward I could ever ask for. To be a part of some ones self awakening and seeing the changes from the negative they have been burdened with over to a positive that allows their true selves to radiate.

Seeing those changes in myself is just such an awesome feeling so getting to share that it becomes special and awesome and that is what builds love. Love is something I thought I was incapable and undeserving of having. I lived in that insecure core belief I wasn’t good enough then here not so long ago the question popped in my head: Why The Fuck Not? Why are you not good enough simple you don’t feel like you are so change it and feel like you do and you will.

Yes some of that thinking was inspired by my Therapist and some inspired by the highers but no matter the inspiration it was my deciding to act that changed it all. To let go of those things that were not serving me never will serve me never have served me. To realize that I was living in what I created and I had to be honest to face that and change it. I am changing it every second of every day.

I’m fortunate to have two extremely great ladies in my life. Two different people whom in their own way have helped me keep a hold of this balance I have. One I work with on this and the other on that and its interesting and great feeling to be able to share with them me. My experiences my perspectives my wisdom and my love. And I am so honored to be able to share in theirs.

Again the highers blessed me and I’m so thankful for all these wonderful blessings and I pray that others are being as blessed and grateful for them.  

130

Sorry I have not been here as of late however there are some good reasons. The first of which was an incident that happened on the 21^st of May. I just about ripped the tip of my finger off. I had to get stiches it took 6. I still cant type yet and the doctor told me today that it will take a few more weeks of healing.

Knowing how to type but being forced to hunt and peck really sux. But I needed to come on and try to catch up. I missed being able to write in here but it was my dumb decision that caused my finger to become damaged to begin with.

My roommate who is a paramedic told me I will probably loose the finger tip. She even told me what hospital to go to that can do it. I went to a closer hospital and the Nurse Practicioner looked at it and said oh good it didnt go through the nail. Im going to order an xray then soak it for about 20 minutes and then she will fix it. I love her :)))

The highers have helped so much in the healing process. The finger looks real good now and the doctor today was impressed with how well its doing. Again the universe has showered me with love and kindness and I am so grateful for those blessings.

I have been cutting down on the Dr Peppers and drinking more hot tea lately. I’m on blood pressure medicine and I hope to get back off of it. I’m going to give up smoking cigarrettes again. I have asked the highers to help me gently gracefully and without any illness. I know they will come through and we will get rid of those bad things that are not serving me.

Its all just a part of me loving me. I have been working very hard to keep this balance that I have gained. I keep my mind free of negativity and focus only on those things that I actually have control over.

Last Friday Melissa and myself changed our schedule so now I will see her every other week. We are very pleased with the path I am on. I never thought I would get this far so quickly. Again though the Highers worked with me and gave me that gentle grace I asked for. Their love and support has gotten me to a closer position to higher self. I am so gratefull for them.

Well this hunting and pecking is starting to kill my hands so I do thank you all for your support and pray you be blessed beyond all measure.

129

Its just been gorgeous the last few days and I’m not just talking weather. I have got some more of those spring time activities done and the house is looking nice because of it :)

For the past month or so I have actually been sleeping better. No I am still not consistent but I manage to stay in bed and fall asleep better than before. The anxiety levels have dropped and its been very nice and peaceful.

The way things have managed to change within me just this past year have left me in awe. When I first started this part of the journey I thought it would take me a couple of years to obtain this kind of peace and enlightenment. However that has not been the case at all and infact its been just the oposite. Things I thought not probable have come to past and I’m in a very good place with me right now.

I still have work todo but its not my focus. My focus is on now and what I can work on now and what I need to do now. I feel more aligned not only within myself but with life itself. I’m ridding myself the illusions that have held me back and embracing those things that have progressed me forward. I have gratitude for them both. For in the end I have not only come out better I have come out wiser.

Adjusting our thinking and allowing ourselves to truly listen and do takes discipline. It takes a willingness to rid yourself of those things and move beyond the normal of your life.

For me I had to surrender. It was to much for me on my own and I was making things so much worse. I couldn’t help myself I could only watch in agony. I asked the highers to gracefully and gently help me surrender those things I have been holding on to and to become a person I actually like instead of a maniac whom no one can deal with. The honesty part was a bit painful at first to swallow. Facing those with a clear conscience of your decision. Accepting that letting it go and moving forward. You no longer have to take that with you.

I’m so grateful for the highers and their loyalty to me and my transformation. I’m also grateful that I had the courage to want to make a change and do so. I sought help on those things I was not able to do on my own and I started surrendering those things that I can.

At the start it seemed a bit slow and I was still very ecentric. I didn’t keep a faith or a belief that I could transform I knew I could. It was that knowing myself that kicked up the gears and things have been happening almost to fast at times.

I still get axious over things and while the medications are helping I’m counting more on the meditation rather than the medication. Getting my mind right is after all the goal I am acheiveing.

I had my ex wife pop into my head this morning and for the life of me I couldn’t think of why. After a little bit it hit me that today is our wedding aniversary. Next month I am do to court for the divorce. Yesterday was mothers day and I didn’t bother to contact my mom as I just know that its really not a good idea. And even though it makes me be someone I rather not it so beats being drained by her and her drama.

Lots of new opportunites are appearing everywhere and lots of creative ideas are springing out. I take each new step with the wisdom that it always works out the way it’s supposed to.  

128

With all the changes that have been going on lately its amazing I’m still standing straight lol :) I’ve been riding a lot of different type waves the last year and I learned to appreciate each and everyone. I’ve been so grateful for the glory that has been shone upon me this past year.

The improbable not only became possible but came to past. I mended some freindships that I never thought possible to get back. I learned to let go of my own expectations in situations and just enjoy what the highers have instore for me. Allowing myself to give up this illusion of control and just let the natural order have the control. Doing that has given me so much peace.

It also has given me the chance to work at the core of that problem of wanting control and for me its all boils down to insecurity. I believe it would be that way for all of us if we were willing to face the truth. That being we are exactly where our choices have led us. Most of myne was led by insecurity and now I have learned to transform that into confidence.

I not only transformed the insecurity I transformed my perspective of it. The thing that made me feel insecure is the very thing that gave me strength. When I look at it through that perspective I become so grateful for the lesson.

As you would expect though its not always easy to look at the past with clear focus and allow yourself to see it differently. This is because we can so easily fall into the emotions we created during that situation. Letting them go is the only way you can truly look with a different perspective.

One of the hardest things for us to do but yet the most rewarding is just letting go. Standing up and allowing yourself to act acordingly and to share the grattitude you have. Situations do not define me they only mirror who I am. If I don’t like something I see then its my choice to change it or let it define me. I have had enough of it defining me and now am changing those things.

Many of us wish to believe in a higher purpose or a higher being. Honestly Its good to have a belief but remember beliefs change. I know my highers and I know the path that I am on. I have given them my trust and my fears. I do catch myself trying to hang on to things at times but I just ask them to gracefully and gently help me to let it go and allow myself to continue toward my higherself.

I am not waiting to be my higherself in a world that doesn’t need it I am doing it now in this world that does. Once I’ve accended to the next level, dimension or whatever you choose to call it I’ll be needed for other things. I be learning other things and I’ll share those things.

To often we get stuff and just keep it to ourselves when the whole point is to share it with others. Not only does it offer help to those we share it with it also helps us to implant it into ourselves as a new core belief. Each transformation takes us to our higherselves and helps us to give to others so they can transform to their higherselves.

Let go, transform and comminicate with your highers. Be honest and accept the honesty you receive. Live free in this world of prisons. Help others to be free. Most importantly be grateful for everything.  

127

Sorry its been a while since I was last here. Its Spring time and just as mother nature gives us renewal and new birth during this time. I have to have been doing the same. Renewing the skeletons into something beautiful and positive. Experiencing new idea’s and new ways of thinking.

I’ve gone to the camp a couple of times last month. The first time I went by myself and just really allowed the spring energy to help realign me through heart mind body and soul with the universal energies.

I have been sharing a lot over the past almost 2 years now and I’ve progressed a lot in this evolutionary phase. I’ve learned that I can’t take out negative things in me. I have to instead transform that negativity into something positive. Its not always and easy task. How to look horror in the eyes and give others something positive from it? Easy Trust the process.

I thought that if I controlled things in my world I could prevent bad things from happening. So I spent a lot of time pretting up my world. Decorating it with all the things that my heart adores. Allowing very few in while keeping out the masses.

As I look back I see that all I really did was decorate my prison to convince myself that I am happy and safe. My insecurities had me so trapped into this prison that I was blinded to the fact that it is just that a prison.

I limited myself so long I truly don’t know what I like or dislike beyond the walls I have built. As I take down that wall brick by brick. I look to see what positive came from that brick. Yes the situation that created the brick was bad but I survived it. I learned from it. I have even begun to learn to appreciate it. That is what transfomation is all about. Not changing the situation but allowing yourself to see it from a different perspective.

Giving up the illusion of control has brought me the most wonderful gifts I could imagine. First I was able to mend some broken friendships and not put an agenda to the mending as I had before. No this time I had to realize I am not enjoying the journey if I try to control that which I don’t have control over anyways and honestly have no business being in control over.

Facing my insecurites has allowed me to accept that which is and allow that which will be. I have a plan for my future but its an adaptable plan. I’ve realized I cannot predict outcomes no matter how favorable they may seem. I'm learning to adjust and accept the situations as they are.

Again its a process and while it may seem slow at times that is truly the point. You have the time to change it without feeling a consequence. Facing my insecurities has also helped me understand why I do so many other things that I never thought would relate to me being insecure. Things like judgement and ridicule. Though they are not things I actively allow myself to participate in anymore. No it doesn’t mean I am cleaned of judging and ridculing but it does mean that when I see I am doing it I just ask this simple question: What is it in me that is not showing love to others who have to go through their journey their own way.

For me its very hard not to do I mean I have three kids around me. Its an automatic natural thing that society has taught us to do. Because as long as they can keep you down you will fall prey to their own self glory.

Insecurities have kept me in fear a majority of my life. Transforming that fear to love has shown me the situations that made me feel insecure are the very situations that showed me I am a survivor and I only need to believe that I can survive anything even walking away from an abusive relationship.

The universe was supplying me with what I needed but my perspective was wrong and I couldn’t accept the gift of confidence the universe was so desperately trying to give to me. I stayed in a mentally abusive relationships far longer than I should have as a result I only allowed that insecurity to continue to build walls and imprison me to a life of loneliness.

Evolving my perspective has shown me so much good in those bad situations that I refused to see at the time. I can now see the beautiful helpers that the universe has sent me to continue to evolve into my higher self. Some are Angels here on earth others are in the next diminsion embracing and surrounding me with love.

I realize now how they were always there in some form or another encouraging me and loving me. Giving me strength where needed even when I couldnt see it. The universe has always givin me love and independence it was me who turned it into fear and insecurity.

I just didn’t realize my perspective was not in correct alignment with the universe. Evolving into the higher me has been correcting that alignment. I know longer worry about how far I have come or how far I have to go. That is only fear thinking and keeping me into that realm of insecurity. I don’t care how far something away is I am enjoying now for that is all I truly have.

Here is the only place that matters. Where I am now. Yesterday has passed and is only a lesson. Tomorrow is unknown. The gratitude for my highers rather physically here on earth or spiritually continues. I am enjoying the journey even though at times it appears scary I’ve learned to trust in my survival and in the universe who sends me what I need when I need it.

Trusting in something has been hard but the more I do the easier it has become. Now I can feel the energies of those that have surrounded me with love and it has raised my vibrational energy not for me to keep to myself but to share to others in those ways I can. Holding on only leads to fear which blocks us from the love the universe is so desparetly ready to give us.

Live in peace. Stand your ground.

126

Spring is in the air and the weather here has been just gorgeous lately. I got some of those spring cleaning things done and got the grass cut the other day. I cleaned and smudged my room yesterday and have been letting that lovely fresh air in the house as long as possible.

However the cleaning isn’t just the physical stuff I have done its also the mental stuff. Letting go of that which no longer serves me. Letting go of the anger and allowing the wounds to heal. Its a process and its a bit slower than the cleaning around the house I have done. However the results are the same ;)

I’ve been challenging myself lately to make sure I am being dicerning and not judging. I have a lot of judgments that I have grow accustomed to having rather from experience or just the ways of our society.

We don’t seem to understand how much judgment of others keeps us in the grips of negativity. Stunting us from growing to our true potential. Many of us may not really understand the difference between discernment and judgement.

This is my understanding. Discernment is understanding that certain things are not good for you. Certian people, certain behaviors, certain situations. Most of us wont rob a bank for mainly two big reasons. The first is we dont’ want to get shot and die and the second is that we don’t want to get caught and go to jail. So we decided that this kind of behavior is not serving us. Discernment also means that you are not judging others for their actions or behaviors just that you realize there are things that are not welcomed in your world. However you still love those that do those things you disagree with and you respect their decissions. You allow them to live there life and you live yours. You spread no rumors or gossip to others about said person.

Judgment is not only disagreeing with the behavior or actions of someone its a condemning of them also. Condemning doesn’t mean you wish them hell and fire sometimes its just disagreeing and not really loving. We see others doing something we either have out grown or knew that was not for our lives. We spread rumors and gossip about that person or group. We tell people how they are wrong. We do not accept them or their behaviors, beliefs, actions and etc.

Its been very hard not to judge and to just discern. Society has taught us to judge. It’s raised us in judgement. We are always being told what we can and cannot do regardless of where we personally stand on an issue. We have been told what is acceptable for us and what is not. We’ve been shown how to spread the word about it. We’ve even been shown how to turn our parents in if they partake in any of these things.

In learning to separate the two I have become more understanding and more respectful of those things I personally have judged. I’m understanding how to love someone who doesn’t “Match” with me. I don’t mean that in any kind of romatic way but we all have those that we get along with and those we don’t. Those we do are a match for us.

My mother is a prime example of this with me. For years I had judged but tolerated to much of her negativity. I love my mom and I tried several different times to make it work between us but she always uses the same old excuss I’m to old and set in my ways. She just doesn’t want to change. That doesn’t work for me I want change I want to experience life in freedom.

I had to cut my mother out of my life. It was a hard a painful decission but I did what was best for me. I had no longer judged her just realized my own tolerance level and decided that I just can’t live on the edge like that with her. I wish her no ill will. I don’t spread rumors or gossip and I am allowing her to live her life as she chooses unfortunately that means she still doesn’t choose me. It hurts very much and I’m sorry thats what she want’s. My life though is not dictated by her actions.

To long I allowed that and I had to remove it. Since I transformend judgement into discernment I have had a peace that I have not felt in a very long time. I have a real joy in my soul. I am embracing it with excitement.

It all boiled down to me letting go of those judgements and just accepting the reality of the circumstances. Their choices and their lives only affect them and not me as long as I don’t allow it. My focus in on my life and my decissions and not that of others. As I keep my focus there the judgements are being let go and I am feeling the chains lighten with each step.

As I continue this journey to my higher self I know that its my journey. Yours will be different and even though we may be on the same path we can be miles apart from on another. I’m still learning what works for me and I am enjoying the process. I see the transformation and embrace it. I accept that my pains are only hurts that need to be healed and not an excuse to be negative.

May the highers lead you on your path as they have been leading me. Rather that higher is The Christian God or The Angles and Accended Masters. May your Higher direct you where you need to go and may you allow it :) The ride may not always be fun but it is so worth it.

125

The weather here lately has been just lovely its been in the high sixties to lows in only the fourtys. I’ve had my window open for about a week now and I am so enjoying the feeling of the clean cool air. Well at least clean enough lol :/

I had an interesting thought this morning about the perfect woman for me. Now I will say that no, I’m not ready for that type of relationship but I think its important to know what you truly want. I was just sitting out smoking a cig and enjoying the wonderful weather when the thought kinda popped in my head. Funny how something out of the blue does that.

The perfect woman for me is someone of course I find attractive. She has a great since of humor and loves a lot of the same music I do. She challenge’s me in those areas I need challenging in and supports me in those areas where I need support. She is able to talk to me about any subject and be able to keep up when I start getting on my soap box lol. She is sensual, compassionate, passionate, loyal, understanding and devoted to us. She is someone who enjoys being secludded with me somewhere in nature or holding my hand in a crowd. She inspire’s me to live life and not just think about it. She relies on me as I rely on her. She free’s me as I free her. She enjoys trying new things and encourages me to try them. She protects me as I protect her. She is kind and pateint. She is intelligent and enjoys conversation. She loves me and I love her. And of course she loves smoking from the bong with me ;)

I still have a few issues I need to work out and I am doing so but it was nice to sit and think about something like that and not have a name attached. For so long I just wanted Michele so letting that dream go allowed me to really think about the type of woman I do desire. Not only has letting that dream go allow me to think about what kind of romantic relationship I do want it allowed me time to start learning to be an actual friend to someone

I have had a few decent talks with Michele and Lisa lately. Michele is telling me about this trip she and the kids are taking. Lisa had to text with me a few times this last week as my phone was off but its been fun.

I enjoy not having put the pressure on myself to become the mate but to just be a friend. These are two incredible women and I’m honored to have them as a part of my life. Honestly though after I gave it some real though the most important woman in my life right now is Melissa. She after all is the therapist that has to get pulled by my rollercoaster ;) lol

However she has really helped me not to have such a rollercoaster anymore. I’m finding my peace within myself again. I am enjoying the ever wonderful moments of sunshine that has been glowing in my life these last few months and I am ready to receive even more. It’s taking a lot of serious honest looking at who I was and asking is this who I am? I didn’t like the answer and I could have done what I done millions of times before just said fuckit and not care. Just live in that darkness until it drowned me. I didn’t want to repeat that however. So I decided that if I don’t like who I am then change to who I really am.

I’m doing one moment at a time and allowing myself to not focus on those things that don’t serve me now. I am just taking care of me. I’m allowing wounds to heal and I am changing the behaviors I find unappealing.

I did not do it alone though. First all there is the three ladies that I have discussed that have helped in their own way. Second the highers have been with me and constantly reminding me they are still there. Of course there are also my roommates who with out their support I would have been totally lost a long time ago. I’m so thankful for all of these loving spirits in my life. I am most thankful though that I have begun to love myself.

As each moment goes by and I allow myself to let go the burdens becomes less and less. I am currently being challenged by the highers and I’m not so sure of what I am to do :/ I know I have to talk to them and ask and I have but not so sure I understood the answer :/ So I guess time to talk again ;)

My life has been blessed and I never could see it as long as I kept my negative blinders on. And while there still maybe some days and moments I have been allowing myself to learn to see the light.

124

In growing and learning to release old habits and old ways of thinking we sometimes trip ourselves up. At times it can seem to be a whole lot of things to manage at one time.

Holding on to those old core beliefs only leads us to more turmoil. It keeps us from enjoying life and loving ourselves. Allowing those core beliefs to take hold can also keep us from wonderful opportunities for growth. Unlearning what you have learned is easier when you start learning to apply what you should have learned.

Still its no walk in the park. Well maybe it could be depending on the park lol. Sometimes its not easy to refrain from those old habits and core beliefs however I am finding out as I become closer to my higher self that everything happens for a reason and its generally up to us to look at the situation and learn what we are supposed to from it.

I’m learning to get my mind out of the box and truly think. I’ve learned the more I try to control things the more out of control I’ll be. Which causes those core beliefs to sneak in and take over. Holding me back from what the universe is wanting me to have. Learning to trust a process instead of my own idea of control. Allowing a change in myself that allows me to let go of the idea of control and to fully allow the process to change me.

As I am learning I am applying to the best of my ability. Sometimes the results are positive and sometimes not. But I can’t focus on the results as they are just small endings of a journey I was supposed to pay attention to.

Life is nothing more than the extent of our own experiences. If we want greatness then we must be great. If we want to dwell in our own self pity then we just give up and see nothing is worth it.

I dwelled in my own self pity for years and have experiences you get from self pity. I have since learned to actually heal and let things go that no longer serve me. As I transfer self pity to self love I feel love. I am ready to accept love. Now I am learning to give it to myself and appreciate it.

Acceptance is the key. I had to accept things about myself I didn’t care for and I had to accept things I did and still do. I had to accept the fact that if I wanted change then I had to look at reality and start healing those wounds that I allowed to hold me back for so long.

I pray and give thanks to the highers as they have continued to show me how wonderful life can be if I accept it. I thank them for never giving up on me even when I did.  

123

I find that when things happen I am learning to cope with them better than I had before. Take for instance the whole divorce court thing. 6 months or a year ago and I would have completely broke down and thrown in the towel. I would have retreated to that dark negative place I’ve been so comfortable in most of my life.

I am not only becoming more balanced I can now feel it. I give thanks to the highers for this feeling. Without their belief in me and their support of me I would have never gotten this far.

While I may have a ways to go to reach my goal I know that I am well on my way and I can see the changes. The peace that I seek is within my grasp. Something I would have found to be impossible just a few months ago.

I am still very sad and hurt that I was so misunderstood. However I am not going to hold on to that I have to let it go and continue to learn to communicate the thoughts, feelings and ideas I have. Even then I’m sure I’m going to be misunderstood as I am learning that we all have our own understanding and not the right to expect that someone is on the same page as we are just because they are intelligent enough to be so.

I have allowed my experiences to define who I was now I am defining the experiences I want from who I am. I’m still very unsure of what that is though. I’ve been on the planet this go around for the last 47 years and really haven’t experienced life. Something that I am in process of changing.

While the past few weeks have not gone anthing like I would have wanted I can say the way I have dealt with the disappointment has been far more positive than even I thought possible. I may continue to run into walls but I’m learning to walk around them.

The anger is being replaced with compassion and understanding. No I will never understand why certain things happen the way they do but I am learning to trust that they are happening for my betterment.

In my quest of changing those negative core beliefs I am learning to replace those habits that reinforce those beliefs. I take it day by day and minute by minute. I’m learning to focus on me with love and compassion. Every lesson has given me something valuable and I am allowing myself to understand no one has done me wrong. I’ve only managed to survive this long from the strength that I gained from those undesirable experiences. As I see and understand the gifts that each experience has given me I learn to accept my reward and use it for the betterment of me.

I thank you all for the gifts you have given me. While I may not understand the reasons why I can choose to accept it positively or negatively and I am choosing postive.

I leave you with this though that was so eliquently written by Roger Waters:

The Lunatic is on the grass.

Remember its all about perspective ;)

122

These past few weeks have not been anything like I had hoped for. The only thing that seemingly has gone right was the visit with my doctor to get meds for the anxiety.

I was working on rebuilding a friendship with Lisa however I must have upset her somehow as now she isn’t talking to me at all. I sent her a couple of text and she hasn’t bothered to reply. Im not sure how I upset her and maybe it doesnt matter. It appears that being me just hurts people. So best thing for me to do is just isolate myself even more than I already am.

I’ve been working very hard on transforming my negative energy into positive energy and it seems that everyhthing is against me. Yesterday I was supposed to face the judge for my divorce however they wouldn’t see me because I didnt have a witness nor did Erica show up. So now it has to be rescheduled :( just another fucking delay. When the courts told me Erica didn’t have to be there they never bothered to tell me I needed a witness. Its not like I have done this kind of thing before and I can assure you never again.

Not only that I managed to sprain or at least I hope its just a sprain my right foot. I was on my way to the courthouse when I steped off the curb and right into a v shaped cut (I’m assuming for rain run off). So now every time I walk I get to be reminded of how clutsy I am :(

I’m doing everything I can to just keep me afloat right now. Recent events with people have me convinced that I really just don’t need to bother with trying to build anykind of relationship with anyone. I’m either being judged for being misunderstood or I’m being avoided. At this juction it doesn’t matter I am only doing the best I can to be a better me. I can’t worry about how others take me.

As much as I don’t like being alone I really don’t have the tolerance to deal with fragile egos and emotions. I have enough of that on my own to deal with much less try to deal with someone elses.

Anyways I’m just really down and hurt. I am however grateful that things are not worse than they are and I do pray that I survive the rest of this year that so far hasn’t been anything close to what I wanted or hoped for.

121

Been another one of those weeks where I’m not sure what is up and what is down. :/ I have been super anxious as of late and thursday I went to see my doctor. We put me on some new meds and cut one of the ones I was on in half. Over all though it was another decent week. Some unwanted things happened but that is just the way life is sometimes and we have to learn to accept it.

My journey has led me to many discoveries about myself. Its also magnified the insight that I contain. I remember a song from the late 80’s titled “What I Am” it contains a lyric choke me in the shallow water before I get to deep. For me that is way to late. I was already to deep when the song apeared but It did give me a perspective of life that only helped fuel my sadness.

I was judging. I didn’t realize it at the time and sometimes its still very hard to pick up on. Don’t get me wrong in our society it’s almost a necessity to judge. We all have our clicks and if you don’t fit in it or that doesn’t appeal to us and yada yada yada. I think you get my point.

I have a natural right to dicernment. Meaning I can decide what fits in my life and what does not. I don’t have the right to judge those that live lives differently than myne. I don’t have the right to judge how one acts, thinks, walks or talks. I don’t have a right to judge them for their beliefs. Yet I do it daily and its so natural for me to do that most times its not even a thought. Most importantly I don’t have the right to persecute them for the differences.

Becoming conscience of those habits and changing them is not a walk in the park. It would seem the more intune I become to my higher self the more the loving side is showing me things that I do not like. Before I would have just thrown my hands up said fuck it and just not even bothered. There are times its still seems to be an option however I have already traveled that road and know where it goes.

The trail I am cutting as I walk has shown me that there is a lot of beautiful things about. Sometimes we just can’t see it right away because we haven’t quite got ourselves into focus. So many of us focus on where we are going instead of where we are. We tend to over look those things that are there to remind us to enjoy the walk.

I was recently in a small discussion with someone about the subject forgiveness. I knew what I said to be truth and somehow it wasn’t received in the understanding way that I had thought. The person disagreed with my thoughts and started telling me obvious things about unforgivness and yada yada.

Forgiveness is a debt term. Used by the old masters to relieve someone of a finacial debt that the masters knew the person was unable to pay. Forgiveness has become a term used by Christians to get amnesty for their sins. So when we forgive someone for something its because we feel we were owed but they can’t or just won’t ever be able to repay.

I was explaining that its letting go is the key and not forgiveness. I mean if someone does something harmful to you you have the choice to let it go or to hold on to it. Example: In third grade little suzy pulled your hair every day and it frustrated you and hurt your feelings. Time goes on You have your own kids and go to a class reunion and see little suzy and maybe even joke about how she used to pull your hair. You see at the time of the “crime” it seemed important but as you moved on in life you naturally let it go as it was no longer a defining issue. So in Letting go you released her of the debt you felt owed. Maybe her not pulling your hair or whatever you felt at the time she owed you.

We look at things so wrong as that is unfortunately how we have been taught. We don’t owe forgiveness to anyone. Everyone has given us something and just because the lesson hurt doesn’t mean you didn’t get something very valuable from the very person you feel owes you. We either choose to hang on to the bitterness of that pain and allow the person or circumstance that put us there to continue to control us or we can accept that we just got educated on why that person or situation came into our life and let it go and move forward with the new information you have discovered.

A couple breaks up and one of them is looking at the situation and going why did I waste so much time on them or how could they do this to me? And Yada yada yada. You are missing the most important stuff though, You learned that you can love, You learned that you have likes and dislikes, You learned that you can’t always know a person even when you know them. You learned that things change rather you want them to or not. You learned you love yourself.

To hold on to that negative and allow it to control is not an option for me anymore. No I’m not perfect and I am still holding on to way more than I should be. The difference is that I have let go and I am getting better at it.

The word forgiveness itself is a conclusional term. However we rarely use it as such. Much like the word love, forgiveness is very often misused. To say I forgive you is saying I have let go, not that I am letting go. Letting go means I’m slowly releasing however that’s just hanging on. I have had a very hard time getting that as I have been forgiving myself. I learned that those things I wish I would have done or those things I wish I wouldn’t have done don’t matter. I am either choosing to hang on to a guilt that will only lead me to hanging on even more, or I am letting it go and realizing its not worth holding on to. The forgiveness of myself happens naturally after I let go. The forgivness is then conclusional.