125

The weather here lately has been just lovely its been in the high sixties to lows in only the fourtys. I’ve had my window open for about a week now and I am so enjoying the feeling of the clean cool air. Well at least clean enough lol :/

I had an interesting thought this morning about the perfect woman for me. Now I will say that no, I’m not ready for that type of relationship but I think its important to know what you truly want. I was just sitting out smoking a cig and enjoying the wonderful weather when the thought kinda popped in my head. Funny how something out of the blue does that.

The perfect woman for me is someone of course I find attractive. She has a great since of humor and loves a lot of the same music I do. She challenge’s me in those areas I need challenging in and supports me in those areas where I need support. She is able to talk to me about any subject and be able to keep up when I start getting on my soap box lol. She is sensual, compassionate, passionate, loyal, understanding and devoted to us. She is someone who enjoys being secludded with me somewhere in nature or holding my hand in a crowd. She inspire’s me to live life and not just think about it. She relies on me as I rely on her. She free’s me as I free her. She enjoys trying new things and encourages me to try them. She protects me as I protect her. She is kind and pateint. She is intelligent and enjoys conversation. She loves me and I love her. And of course she loves smoking from the bong with me ;)

I still have a few issues I need to work out and I am doing so but it was nice to sit and think about something like that and not have a name attached. For so long I just wanted Michele so letting that dream go allowed me to really think about the type of woman I do desire. Not only has letting that dream go allow me to think about what kind of romantic relationship I do want it allowed me time to start learning to be an actual friend to someone

I have had a few decent talks with Michele and Lisa lately. Michele is telling me about this trip she and the kids are taking. Lisa had to text with me a few times this last week as my phone was off but its been fun.

I enjoy not having put the pressure on myself to become the mate but to just be a friend. These are two incredible women and I’m honored to have them as a part of my life. Honestly though after I gave it some real though the most important woman in my life right now is Melissa. She after all is the therapist that has to get pulled by my rollercoaster ;) lol

However she has really helped me not to have such a rollercoaster anymore. I’m finding my peace within myself again. I am enjoying the ever wonderful moments of sunshine that has been glowing in my life these last few months and I am ready to receive even more. It’s taking a lot of serious honest looking at who I was and asking is this who I am? I didn’t like the answer and I could have done what I done millions of times before just said fuckit and not care. Just live in that darkness until it drowned me. I didn’t want to repeat that however. So I decided that if I don’t like who I am then change to who I really am.

I’m doing one moment at a time and allowing myself to not focus on those things that don’t serve me now. I am just taking care of me. I’m allowing wounds to heal and I am changing the behaviors I find unappealing.

I did not do it alone though. First all there is the three ladies that I have discussed that have helped in their own way. Second the highers have been with me and constantly reminding me they are still there. Of course there are also my roommates who with out their support I would have been totally lost a long time ago. I’m so thankful for all of these loving spirits in my life. I am most thankful though that I have begun to love myself.

As each moment goes by and I allow myself to let go the burdens becomes less and less. I am currently being challenged by the highers and I’m not so sure of what I am to do :/ I know I have to talk to them and ask and I have but not so sure I understood the answer :/ So I guess time to talk again ;)

My life has been blessed and I never could see it as long as I kept my negative blinders on. And while there still maybe some days and moments I have been allowing myself to learn to see the light.