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These past few weeks have not been anything like I had hoped for. The only thing that seemingly has gone right was the visit with my doctor to get meds for the anxiety.

I was working on rebuilding a friendship with Lisa however I must have upset her somehow as now she isn’t talking to me at all. I sent her a couple of text and she hasn’t bothered to reply. Im not sure how I upset her and maybe it doesnt matter. It appears that being me just hurts people. So best thing for me to do is just isolate myself even more than I already am.

I’ve been working very hard on transforming my negative energy into positive energy and it seems that everyhthing is against me. Yesterday I was supposed to face the judge for my divorce however they wouldn’t see me because I didnt have a witness nor did Erica show up. So now it has to be rescheduled :( just another fucking delay. When the courts told me Erica didn’t have to be there they never bothered to tell me I needed a witness. Its not like I have done this kind of thing before and I can assure you never again.

Not only that I managed to sprain or at least I hope its just a sprain my right foot. I was on my way to the courthouse when I steped off the curb and right into a v shaped cut (I’m assuming for rain run off). So now every time I walk I get to be reminded of how clutsy I am :(

I’m doing everything I can to just keep me afloat right now. Recent events with people have me convinced that I really just don’t need to bother with trying to build anykind of relationship with anyone. I’m either being judged for being misunderstood or I’m being avoided. At this juction it doesn’t matter I am only doing the best I can to be a better me. I can’t worry about how others take me.

As much as I don’t like being alone I really don’t have the tolerance to deal with fragile egos and emotions. I have enough of that on my own to deal with much less try to deal with someone elses.

Anyways I’m just really down and hurt. I am however grateful that things are not worse than they are and I do pray that I survive the rest of this year that so far hasn’t been anything close to what I wanted or hoped for.