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Been another one of those weeks where I’m not sure what is up and what is down. :/ I have been super anxious as of late and thursday I went to see my doctor. We put me on some new meds and cut one of the ones I was on in half. Over all though it was another decent week. Some unwanted things happened but that is just the way life is sometimes and we have to learn to accept it.

My journey has led me to many discoveries about myself. Its also magnified the insight that I contain. I remember a song from the late 80’s titled “What I Am” it contains a lyric choke me in the shallow water before I get to deep. For me that is way to late. I was already to deep when the song apeared but It did give me a perspective of life that only helped fuel my sadness.

I was judging. I didn’t realize it at the time and sometimes its still very hard to pick up on. Don’t get me wrong in our society it’s almost a necessity to judge. We all have our clicks and if you don’t fit in it or that doesn’t appeal to us and yada yada yada. I think you get my point.

I have a natural right to dicernment. Meaning I can decide what fits in my life and what does not. I don’t have the right to judge those that live lives differently than myne. I don’t have the right to judge how one acts, thinks, walks or talks. I don’t have a right to judge them for their beliefs. Yet I do it daily and its so natural for me to do that most times its not even a thought. Most importantly I don’t have the right to persecute them for the differences.

Becoming conscience of those habits and changing them is not a walk in the park. It would seem the more intune I become to my higher self the more the loving side is showing me things that I do not like. Before I would have just thrown my hands up said fuck it and just not even bothered. There are times its still seems to be an option however I have already traveled that road and know where it goes.

The trail I am cutting as I walk has shown me that there is a lot of beautiful things about. Sometimes we just can’t see it right away because we haven’t quite got ourselves into focus. So many of us focus on where we are going instead of where we are. We tend to over look those things that are there to remind us to enjoy the walk.

I was recently in a small discussion with someone about the subject forgiveness. I knew what I said to be truth and somehow it wasn’t received in the understanding way that I had thought. The person disagreed with my thoughts and started telling me obvious things about unforgivness and yada yada.

Forgiveness is a debt term. Used by the old masters to relieve someone of a finacial debt that the masters knew the person was unable to pay. Forgiveness has become a term used by Christians to get amnesty for their sins. So when we forgive someone for something its because we feel we were owed but they can’t or just won’t ever be able to repay.

I was explaining that its letting go is the key and not forgiveness. I mean if someone does something harmful to you you have the choice to let it go or to hold on to it. Example: In third grade little suzy pulled your hair every day and it frustrated you and hurt your feelings. Time goes on You have your own kids and go to a class reunion and see little suzy and maybe even joke about how she used to pull your hair. You see at the time of the “crime” it seemed important but as you moved on in life you naturally let it go as it was no longer a defining issue. So in Letting go you released her of the debt you felt owed. Maybe her not pulling your hair or whatever you felt at the time she owed you.

We look at things so wrong as that is unfortunately how we have been taught. We don’t owe forgiveness to anyone. Everyone has given us something and just because the lesson hurt doesn’t mean you didn’t get something very valuable from the very person you feel owes you. We either choose to hang on to the bitterness of that pain and allow the person or circumstance that put us there to continue to control us or we can accept that we just got educated on why that person or situation came into our life and let it go and move forward with the new information you have discovered.

A couple breaks up and one of them is looking at the situation and going why did I waste so much time on them or how could they do this to me? And Yada yada yada. You are missing the most important stuff though, You learned that you can love, You learned that you have likes and dislikes, You learned that you can’t always know a person even when you know them. You learned that things change rather you want them to or not. You learned you love yourself.

To hold on to that negative and allow it to control is not an option for me anymore. No I’m not perfect and I am still holding on to way more than I should be. The difference is that I have let go and I am getting better at it.

The word forgiveness itself is a conclusional term. However we rarely use it as such. Much like the word love, forgiveness is very often misused. To say I forgive you is saying I have let go, not that I am letting go. Letting go means I’m slowly releasing however that’s just hanging on. I have had a very hard time getting that as I have been forgiving myself. I learned that those things I wish I would have done or those things I wish I wouldn’t have done don’t matter. I am either choosing to hang on to a guilt that will only lead me to hanging on even more, or I am letting it go and realizing its not worth holding on to. The forgiveness of myself happens naturally after I let go. The forgivness is then conclusional.