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I got up at three this moring after a terrible night. I had a very bad moment yesterday and it put into question some things I would rather it had not. While I wont go into specifics I will say that a lot of good came from it. So the small step back was just to propel.

I have an extreme amount of axiety. I don’t always control things very well and I get a thought and run with it even when I shouldn’t. Things could have ended up much worse for me and I have learned some very harsh truths this morning that really have put things into perspective.

Past behaviors of myne have caused a pain that I never understood how deep it went. I destroyed a relationship that wasn’t even myne. I never meant to hurt so many people with my own pain. I am sorry for those who were affected. I can’t undo anything I can only improve the person I am now.

I wanted something so bad that I didn’t care who I hurt I just wanted it the real irony here is that its truly the last thing I need. I can barely do me. I have been focusing on doing just me. Last night I found out that I still have some more me to focus on.

Facing the honesty I had to face this morning/last night has not been easy and I’m a bundle of mixed emotions right now. I did have a really good chat with Michele this morning and feel that some very much needed things got sorted out. I have had to truly see the full consequences of my past actions and I hate him.

I am growing and its painful but what choice do I have? I can’t go back to being him. He is a selfish asshole who doesn’t care who he hurts and I just can’t be him anymore. I have done a lot of growing in the past year and I am so thankful I have the chance to continue to do so.

I am facing a few challenges but I am not facing them alone. I have support and I do appreciate it so very much. Especially when I don’t know how to show it.