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With all the weird energy that has been going around and how its affected me personally I’m amazed that I have any kind of sanity left lol. I disabled my facebook again as the weird energy has left me a little bit more vulnerable to the negativity of all the drama on facebook.

Me not wanting to go back to that place decided to take care of me and leave it behind for a bit. In the overall though I have to say I feel much better. I’m doing much better as a result. I still have my moments and sometimes they can get pretty deep into that negative void but the highers and I have managed to keep me from sinking again and that is major improvement for me.

Recently something happened that just six months ago I wouldn’t have thought possible. I have to say its really helping me to keep my focus on where I choose to be and its given me a big boost in my overall attitude.

Last October I wrote a letter to Michele that was not actually for Michele. I wrote it for my therapist Melissa so she could understand where I was at and to help me let go. Knowing at this time I had completely destroyed the friendship I had just wanted to try and move on. So I sent the letter to Melissa and I don’t remember when maybe the next day the though hit me like a ton of bricks that I need to mail that to Michele. I thought no fucking way. I have hurt that lady enough and I’m sure she never wants to hear from me again and probably wont read it anyways. So I did this for about two to three days before I finally said ok fuck it this is what I am going to do. I’m going to flip a coin heads I mail it tails I delete it.

It landed on heads. I smoked a bowl and thought no I can’t do this I fucked it all up and I can’t do anything to cause her sorrow again. But I said if it landed on heads I would mail it so I did.

The first shock was that she read it the second was she replied. She after a few emails back and forth agreed to try once more with our friendship. So for the past few months we have been emailing back and forth and its been nice. I have been focusing on my healing and bettering myself and she has her world going on.

We have been working on rebuilding the friendship and its paying off. We sent a few emails back and forth the other day and we joked and had fun something I had not done in about 2 years. It felt great. She has been keeping in touch more this go around and I do believe its because I have shown her that I am very serious about the changes I am making despite my disease. Of course it could be something else entirely as well shit who knows lol

I am just so grateful for such a friend as her. For her to even talk to me after the things I did is a true show of her character. A lady of integrity. Of course in some ways it makes me feel worse when I think about those actions however I don’t dwell on that and I realize just how blessed I am that this lady has given me the chance to move beyond that.

As I said before this year started great things are in store for me and they are producing some fruit. In a few weeks I see the Judge for my Divorce, I have made great progress with my friend in rebuilding our friendship and there is more on the way. I’m not sure exactly what but I do know its all going to be just awesome and what I need.

I also have been rebuilding another friendship I lost but haven’t put as much effort into it mostly do to my insecurities and listening to those voices in my head that keep reminding me of what I did there as well. However since I’m not on Facebook and probably wont be for a bit do to the drama that can drag me in. I will just have to let happen what is going to happen in that friendship.

The only bad thing about leaving fb again is that sometimes people post funny shit that helps me laugh when I need a good one. I’m just not currently strong enough to block the negativity at this point.

Well again the journey takes me to the unexpected. I’m learning to embrace each moment and take it day by day. Its not always easy and I don’t always wish to cooperate however I’m just doing it. I’m letting my actions dictate my feelings not my feelings dictate my actions.

I give thanks to all that have supported me and been with me through all the garbage. And while I still have a ton of garbage to get through I know that I have a few true friends out there that are supporting and encouraging me and I again just thank you.