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Sometimes when you look back its hard to see the good that came from the negative events. The events that took place that shaped the perspective of life that we now have. Sometimes that perspective is not the best for us and we have to look back and figure out what the good was that we did get from it.

I don’t know exactly why I grew up in boys homes and foster homes however I do know that my parents were not up to the task of being parents so maybe in someways even as bad as it was maybe it kept me from being in a much worse situation.

I have gone through this life never feeling worthy of anything do to the rejection I got from my parents and now I am trying to turn that negative core belief around and realize I was too worthy for them.

I also had to realize that not everything is as it seems. And sometimes things are exactly as they seem. Its up to me to decipher which is which. I made an honest commitment to myself to do better and become the higher me I deserve to be. Its not always easy to strive to be better especially when your not sure what its all about.

As I look to the inner of my being the scared little boy is still very hurt. I am unsure of how to completely heal him. I don’t even know if I can. The world has shown its cruelty and the boy couldn’t handle it. We buried ourselves to hide our shame.

Maybe I deserved the rapes and beatings. Maybe I was an asshole in an earlier life I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. I only have now. I’m not sure what to do with it though.

My eyes have seen what has become of life and it sickens me. We are so cruel to each other as we preach love and peace. But we only want love and peace as long as you don’t touch my piece of the pie. We place more value over objects than we do others. I see this and it only reinforces the anger of the scared little boy.

I’m becoming more sensitive as I get older and more in tune to my higher self. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Its a wonderful thing but its also a whole other pain. My heart is so shattered that the more sensitive I become the more I wonder if it can ever be healed.

I’m tired of wanting the improbable. I just don’t understand what is probable anymore. I feel trapped and don’t know how to move. How do I let go of that which keeps holding me down?

What is love and how do I do it? I thought I had an idea of what it was once but life has shown me that my ideas are unrealistic. How do I give something when I don’t know how or what it even is?

I don’t know maybe I’m just a lunatic. A dreamer who doesn’t know how to awaken. I feel alone and think how does the creator feel being set apart from everyone. Do I have this feeling because I am closer to them or do I have this feeling because I’m not close enough?

Forgive my waste. I know not what I do. I am rising but have no clue where I am going. I’m doing my best trying not to control that which is not in my power to control. I am doing what I can to focus on those things I can control.

The thoughts of confusing becoming the beast in my head. I strive to move forward with purpose. Still the pain is there and I don’t know what it needs to heal. What have I missed? What prevents me from being able to see?

Oh my great highers thank you for your council and guidance however I seemed to have missed something or I’m missing it now. Please graciously and lovingly help me to see. I have a spec in my eye.

How do I rejoice in the pain that prompts growth?