95

Sometimes dreams and desires are not meant to happen for a reason. While we may not always see or understand the reason we have to learn to accept that fact.

As we grow and get older we find that desires and dreams change. We change. We don't live as cutting edge as we once did. Realizing that a dream or a desire may not be the best thing for you is a bit painful. You at that point know its time to allow it to move on and for you to set your sites on something more tangible.

Holding on doesn't do any good as it doesn't serve you any. Let go and open up. Something I am constantly telling myself at the moment. Letting go of those things that no longer serve me to open up for the things that do and will.

It doesn't matter what events take place in the future. That has nothing to do with how I receive it. Its up to me to make the best of the situation not let the situation control me. I continue to step.

Learning can be quite painful at times. The painful lessons are the ones that stick out the most in ones mind and that is where your perspective is gained. We view the world around us through our eyes of pain.

This gives us a very dim view of the world. We see nothing but more painful situations. I've decided on something for me to help me change that. I am going to be free and its already begun.

Love is a wonderful idea however I just really need to learn to be a friend. I have to let go of expectations and desires. I continue to ask the highers to help me release these things that no longer serve me and allow me to continue to grow into this higher being of me.

Letting go is painful but afterwords is freedom. A little pain now for a whole lot of freedom later is worth it for me. We all have to find our own way. We should be respectful of the way a person has chosen for themselves and allow them to do what they need for them without our interference.

Can't say I'm completely positive at the moment I really wish I was. But I can say that I can no longer fear the unknown and am learning to embrace it. Painful lessons can take a bit out of you however its up to you to refuel. I'm learning how to fill myself and not allow others to fill me.

Yes its a bit scary to think that I could be totally alone when my time comes but you know what I'm already there. I've been such a recluse that I shut myself out from everything. I can't be scared of dying hell I haven't even lived. I have been dead.

I don't know exactly where life is going to take me nor do I need to. I just need to know that I am capable of accepting that which lays before me. I intend to make the very best of it.

I can already start to feel the freedom replacing those chains. I give praise to the highers for this moment. :)

94

Each day of healing brings a new challenge. As I am learning to change the core beliefs I have instilled into me for the last 30 plus years. I come to a place where I am starting to like me a lot more than I had previously. I feel more at peace with each day passing. I still have things I have to let go of but I am getting there.

Its hard to keep focus sometimes especially when your like me oh shiny and there goes my attention. Thankfully I haven't had much issue with it but I have had a few instances where for a moment it was not looking to good.

A few months ago those moments would have turned into episodes and me being Mr Negative. Thankfully the highers have been showing me the triggers and I am learning to handle them more appropriately.

I had some resentment letters I had started a while back that I had to stop as it was backfiring and making me more angry to think of the resentments. I then decided that it was probably best to just release everyone and replace that with gratitude.

I'm still waiting for a decision on my disability. I'm supposed to have a hearing sometime I am just not sure when. I know it could take up to another year and I am so hoping not but if it does it does. I have no control over that.

It does suck though when you look at your life and see the things you nor your body can no longer do. And while its simple to slip into that negative thinking when you see this happening you have to remember the things you still can do.

At the same time I can do things now I could not do back then. So its a trade off. I am so looking forward to being able to start the plan I have for my future. However I have to wait for the right time. I since I have a little bit more healing that needs to be done before I am fully ready.

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn something new about me and life. Still impatient as hell though so its a bit of a struggle however I feel great about it.

Taking one step at a time and if I fall back a few I'm still a few steps ahead of where I was. I've lost and I have gained its a perfect balance.  

93

Giving praise to the highers the other day when I was told to make sure I praise myself as well. They reminded me that they can only do their part its up to me to do my part and I have been.

So often we forget to praise ourselves for our accomplishments. To remember the good we done the job we completed or the smile we helped someone have. Part of Loving yourself is appreciating you and all you do.

Healing takes time and allowing oneself to do so properly can take even more time but the end result is so worth it. I'm not even there yet and I am already enjoying the process.

Its also a learning process and during healing pain still lingers. I have to be mindful that its all part of the process and not get stuck looking at the tree's. I am learning to let go so I can open up.

I'm grateful I have the ability to do so. I continue my struggle with the hope that soon the struggle will become a speck in the rear view mirror of life. I search for my own contentment and peace. I walk my journey and I do so with my head held high.

Only when you are willing to loose can you be ready to gain. When we appreciate what we have no matter how little in our eyes we start to see it expand. Keeping my focus on that which I can control and removing it from that which I cannot.

92

So one of my big apprehensions has fruitioned and I am very happy about it. Receiving that has helped a little more of my stress go away. I also had a very good session with Melissa today. We talked about me keeping my focus on bettering me.

I am just so blessed right now and more importantly I'm very grateful for it. The highers have really pulled a rabbit out of the hat so to speak and I plan on taking full advantage of the opportunity. However its one day at a time and healing one pain at a time.

In this process of healing I'm learning more about me than I initially knew. I have started gathering that peace I was so looking for and am enjoying it. I am learning to change that core value of I'm not worthy to I am deserving.

I have several shitty core values to change however again one at a time. I have to remember that slow and steady wins the race. I cannot keep running everything over.

As I stated before in my blog I have a new direction I am going in life. I have come up with a plan that I honestly feel is just perfect for me. I am keeping my focus on that plan and what I need to do to prepare myself for such.

I'm getting more excited about things again however I am not allowing that excitement to catapult me into danger again. I am riding my brake lol

Melissa and I discussed things I can keep focused on until somethings happen to allow me to continue to move forward with my plan.

Just been so grateful for the miracles that I have been so blessed with and actually enjoying them and not focusing on that which I don't have. There are a great many things I desire and I know I will get them. Until that time however I have to continue to learn to enjoy me.

I continue to pray for healing for others and myself. I continue to thank the highers for not only listening to my petitions but also helping me to achieve those goals. While the changes I am making are for myself. I am grateful to be able to bring real honor to those who support me. Those around me with daily support, Melissa my therapist with emotional support, Michele my enlightenment and The Highers who are my guidance.

Blessed are we all when we really stop to appreciate it ;)

91

Sometimes you wait to hear something that will help direct your decisions for the path you wish to take and sometimes the answer leaves you with even more confusion. Normally it wouldn't be so bad but considering this is something I have felt that I truly want I'm just dumbfounded.

Being split over something can be worse than just picking a direction and going. Its worse when you have several other things that you are wishing to accomplish. But everything gets put on hold because your torn about what to do.

In this direction I have chosen to take I find myself having to make a decision that is going to be very painful either way I choose. I'm beginning to see now I am not going to be able to have both the main desires I have.

Of course because I am so confused I'm not even sure if that is right. And to top it off I am not feeling well physically right now. My stomach and my head are fighting over which one gets to kill me :( both are winning :( not to mention my normal aches and pains.

Again I just look to the highers and ask them to please direct me to the path that will lead me to my higher self. I know sacrifices must be made. So what ever sacrifice needs to be made help me to make it gracefully gently and lovingly.

I will give myself a small pat on the back. I have not allowed the confusing to direct me off of the main course I am on and that is becoming the me I know me to be.

I know me and I know I can jump the gun before I know all the facts and this time I am not jumping the gun nor am I just sitting and waiting for someone else to take the wheel. I am diligently praying for and asking for the guidance that is needed to help me achieve a higher self. I ask them to help me to allow that to move on which no longer serves me and not let me throw away the things that do. Again gently gracefully lovingly. Thank you.

90

Ever got caught in the middle of a situation or an argument between two people you really rather not. Not because you don't care or anything just because either way your going to loose and be wrong in someones eyes. Having those kinds of moments really causes a lot of stress.

Stress is something I have really been working on removing as its one of my big triggers. Once I get to a point there is no return. So I have been extra cautious of the amount of stress I allow myself to receive. If not then staying positive is out the window.

I have a few apprehensions that are causing me enough stress just on what I am personally dealing with on my own. Waiting is one of those things that really gets me apprehensive especially when one is waiting on the Government.

Struggling to keep my moment of calm and remember what it is I can do and what I don't have to wait for. I sat out under the Super Moon on the 16^th and just prayed for healing for myself and others. I am working hard on keeping my focus where it needs to be and not necessarily where I wish it to be.

I continue to thank the highers who stick with me and continue to encourage me to move forward. Re training the brain is a lot of work and takes an enormous mount of conscience effort. It also takes the right support. I thankfully have what I need for support.

I ask that the highers help me to gracefully and graciously remove that which no longer serves me and I ask that everything that is needed for this new leg in my journey will be provided in a timely manner.

89

Every now and then opportunities present themselves and its up to us to grab them. However its not ok for us to have an expectation. A lesson I am learning the hard way unfortunately.

Regardless of what plans I have for my future and rather they fruition or not the important thing is that I am setting real goals for myself. I am doing what I can to achieve them. Somethings I am limited on but those that I am not can be dealt with now. I am doing that.

I have been praying heavily to the highers lately to help me succeed in being that person I know me to be. I have also been doing my part. I am not asking them to do for me but to help me do for me. They have and I am grateful and thankful to them.

I am allowing myself to heal those old wounds and to not pick at them again. I have a lot of thought challenges to continue to make and will be putting all my efforts into doing just that.

In healing one must want it. I never understood that I needed healing before. I had always found a way to justify my behavior. Even though I truly didn't understand that it was a serious mental illness I somehow managed to lie to myself about the seriousness of it.

The first few months after being properly diagnosed took me through some confirmations of where certain behaviors are coming from however I didn't know how to stop them. I continued them and messed up bad again.

Now however I'm in the healing stage. Learning to allow myself to heal. I'm learning to let go. It's a hard challenge for me but I know I am doing this. Releasing things has helped me set goals and not look behind so much.

I continue with the motto a beautiful soul once shared with me Smile and be positive Not always and easy task for me who has believed in shitty core beliefs about himself most of his life. But the inspiration of it has now become my engine.

I do say the inspiration and not the inspirator. I can not allow anyone to be the engine again. I have to allow myself to grow not based on how I view the treatment of me by others. While I'm so thankful to Michele for the things she has shown me its up to me to display them appropriately.

Now I know I have value and that tied in with my desire to change for and live for me, I choose to keep my focus on the healing of me. Because healing me will allow me to heal others instead of hurt them.

88

To my Father for the benefit of my own sanity and my own peace of mind I release you of any debt I feel owed to me. I do so not for your benefit but for my own.

To my Mother for the benefit of my own sanity and my own peace of mind I release you of any debt I feel owed to me. I do so not for your benefit but for my own.

To those who sat watched and did nothing for the benefit of my own sanity and my own peace of mind I release you of any debt I feel owed to me. I do so not for your benefit but for my own.

To those who have harmed me in some way for the benefit of my own sanity and my own peace of mind I release you of any debt I feel owed to me. I do so not for your benefit but for my own.

To those I have harmed in some way. I ask that you forgive me not for my benefit but for yours. I never intentionally meant to cause you pain. I am ashamed of my actions toward you.

To myself I forgive me for my mistakes. I allow myself to learn from them. To prevent them from happening again. To love me inspite of them.

I choose to not be he who I had become. I am relinquishing my anger and allowing my wounds to heal. I ask the highers to take these from me and help me replace them with gratitude. Gracefully, gently and mercifully. I pray you help bring comfort and healing to those I have harmed and allow them to hurt no more. Bless them and bring their heart back to light.

87

Something very unexpected recently happened and I'm not sure where I am at with it. I have very mixed emotions right now and am working so hard with the highers to help me in changing some of those core beliefs I have had for the last 40 plus years.

I have placed my sights in bettering me and being the me I know I am. I am very up and down and have been working to find that middle ground. To obtain that inner peace again and be the listener I once was.

Bad mistakes yeah I've made a few. Still make them unfortunately. I am learning to forgive myself for them and to not do them again. In hurting myself I have hurt innocent others. A pain I cannot remove.

I'm grateful to learn but never wanted it to be at the cost of others :(

Keeping my focus on my healing and releasing of my anger and resentments. Replacing them with gratitude and a change of attitude. The journey continues and I am so grateful to the highers for that.  

86

Letting go has never been easy for me. I take things way to personally for my own good and as someone I admire pointed out I grab the wrong conclusions and run full steam ahead :(

I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted to be something more than I was but really didn't know how. I forced my crap on others do to the fact that I have been carrying this load for way to long and have so much pilled on top of it. It became out of my hands.

I'm learning to let those things go that I don't need. Its a slow process and I'm to impatient for my own good. I wish to lighten this burden gracefully, gently and mercifully.

Movement continues even though it appears slow to me at the moment. My heart aches but not for myself. It aches for her the one I caused trouble for with my inability to understand how to control the disease. Anger was never a feeling I meant to leave her with but I guess it wasn't about what I wanted.

I shut her out not even realizing it. I am doing my best to learn from that mistake. I'm very sad right now but its actually a positive sadness. I choose to honor her and allow her to never know pain from me again.

My dear friend may you be blessed three fold. My love for you remains however I realize now I don't need what I so badly wanted in my life right now. I am still figuring out this healing thing and that has to be where my focus is.

I am preparing myself for this new chapter I have begun. I have some amazing plans lined up for me. I am doing this in the hopes that I can stop hurting me so that I can learn to stop hurting others.

I do dedicate this new chapter to Michele who has inspired me and helped me build the confidence I need to do this walk. I again only wish to bring her honor.

I'm ashamed enough of my treatment to her to change it as to never do it to another. Asking the highers to help me gracefully and gently let the anger and resentments go. To release them so they may be replaced with gratitude.

Allow me the ability to actually listen again and just not hear. Help me be.

85

Been a quiet week as I have been just working on plans for my future and dealing with my disease. I was recently asked to tone down by someone cause others may find my words offensive.

This bothers me. I'm sorry some are so easily offended because they are just pussies however why is it I have to change for others and not them change for me? Why is it I have to worry about being offensive when no one worries about offending me?

I was raised to say Merry Christmas but now they want us to say Happy Holidays as Christmas maybe offensive to some I find this offensive but who the fuck cares right. You know what I say Grow the fuck up assholes. Again others expect you to change for them but they are not willing to accept you or even change for you. FUCK THEM

Sorry but it just makes me mad. People always expect the wounded to run and hide in a corner and not be seen or heard because we may offend someone. If I have said or done anything to Offend YOU then get the fuck over it. No I will not change for those who wont change for me.

Now that I am done with that I would like to say that I'm getting a bit impatient as I wait. Not that I can do anything immediately anyway but having the ability to do so would sure take the pressure off.

Keeping my sites on my goal has been helping me calm down. I still get upset as you can see but I said what I needed and I am moving on. As far as my plans well lets just say until they can come off of hold I just have to wait (impatiently) ;) lol

I thank the highers for their continued support. I thank them for the next phase that is already in progress

84

Had a good session with my therapist today. We covered some things I am to incorporate in my life to help me defeat the negative thought pattern that I have grown so accustomed to doing.

Getting more excited about the idea and I'm so ready to start this next stage. However a few things must be done first so unfortunately patience is required on my part.

Going to the camp this weekend. Maybe the last weekend We get there this year. Will have to see. Looking forward to some nature time. I had to put away the resentment letters for a bit as it was starting to backfire. As I would think of things more things would pop up and start pissing me off all over again. So decided ok just breath for a few.

Still having a hard time of letting Michele go. I only want the best for her. I am keeping myself occupied with other thoughts as much as possible to help mend the wound I created.

Knowing you have issues and knowing how to resolve them are not always so easy. What works for one doesn't work for the other so it's hit and miss. I have tried somethings with a little success and something's with major failures.

I wish I have had a better grip on this before however it doesn't stop me from getting one now. It's a slow process but a process it is. Growing is painful no matter how you look at it. I have been learning to allow the scared little boy in me heal.

Its always easy to throw in the towel and not face shit but the alternatives are not any better. So we have to keep going even when we don't feel like it. Fortunately for me I have found some direction and am beginning to see things turn for and within me.

Again its a process and I have to be patient. Asking the highers to help me gracefully and gently accept that which is coming ahead and to allow those things to fall behind that are in the past.  

83

Been taking some time to get myself together. I have been working on getting out my resentments and trying to move past them. I have been preparing myself for this next phase that will becoming soon.

I have lived my whole life for someone else. To make others happy. To be the go to guy. Feeling guilty when I failed to meet the standard in which they have placed on me.

Irony two of the people who judged me the harshest are exactly the reason I am the way I am. No I don't do what you expect how the fuck am I supposed to? You abandoned me, You left me in the woods for the wolves. I act the way I was brought up and get judged by those who have no fucking clue.

Everyone expects ME to CHANGE for them well FUCK YOU. I am who I am and I am happy with who I am if you are not then the problem is YOUR problem and not myne. If you were happy with your life you wouldn't have time to notice myne.

Sorry for the anger but sometimes it just need to get out. However I am not angry :) I for the first time ever have a vision for me that I am really looking forward to setting into a reality.

Forever grateful for my highers who continue to amaze me with their love.  

82

Seems the Black Moon has done its magic ;)

I have come up with something today that I'm not going to say just what it is yet but for the first time in a long time I am super stoked about something and really looking forward to doing it.

The idea hit me like a ton of bricks and I do believe the highers are on board because right after the idea I saw 333 and 444.

I'm still working on the resentment letters but had to take a few days off. I don't want to get the resentments to restless or it would not be good. Now that I have a new vision in my life I really think this is going to be the beginning of the BEST of my life

I can't wait to tell my therapist about it. I have a feeling she is going to think its a wonderful idea. For now though I will keep things quiet and just keep doing what I need to do for my healing and this idea will definitely help with that.

I am just so grateful right now that I really don't know what else to say. I will say this though I am about to LIVE my life.