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While my life is in disarray to an extent. I am managing to do somethings to help with that healing process. I’m a writer and it really is the best way for me to express the pain, hurt and anger.

I was at the grocery the other day it was a tuesday morning. I thought most people would be at work but apparently around the grocery I went they had the day off. I don’t do well with crowds much to begin with but I was able to maintain my sanity long enough to shop and get what I went for. Then the shit hit the fan. Well not literally that would have been funny lol ;)

I get up to the registers and as you would know only 2 people registers are open. So I go to self checkout and out of 8 machines 5 were down. I’m like really. So I find a spot to stand and wait when a checkout opens and the guy I was waiting for went to it well then someone came from around the other corner and said oh the line is back here. I said of course it is. I pushed the buggy over to the side and walked out cussing the store for being open when they were not ready apparently.

I don’t like him. He has destroyed me and everything beautiful around me. He can’t go away though until I release him and that seems to be my major problem. Letting it go. Leaving it be. Turning Directions or what ever I just can’t seem to do it.

I don’t know what the block is. I know the hurt and pain have to be healed in order for the release to happen I am just not sure of what it’s going to take. My therapist thinks I should work on giving love to others. As soon as I figure out what exactly love is. I have an idea but no confidence in it.

Only once in my life for a brief moment did I feel anything remotely close to what I think love is.

You see what I have been taught is that everything is conditional. People only claim to love me as long as I meet the appropriate requirements. If I fail they shut me out and I am damned by them. My problem is I always fail to meet the requirements. I have heard of this thing called unconditional love but have never witnessed it. I never knew a mothers love. My mother didn’t know how to give that so she ran. Dad not sure he knows what that is either cause he sure just didn’t bother.

I wanted approval so I didn’t have to go through life alone. However that’s how its ended with me here alone. :/ Well shit then. I have recently done something that I don’t know if was foolish, desperation, hope, desire, or a wild belief that inspired me to do it. I now have to look where I am going. I’ve asked for the miracle now to allow it to happen and prepare myself for receiving it.

The choice of others can no longer be the guide. I had hoped that things would be much different for me. That I would have resembled some kind of simplistic normal life. You know got married to my sweetheart have kids buy a house grow old together and deeper in love. I’m awake now.

What I wish for is that connection with someone at the very depths of the soul level. However I expect nothing and will plan for the worst. I will keep hope alive as it seems she is harder to be rid of then coach roaches. I just can’t live for it anymore.

I praise those on the other side who have been looking after me. I don’t understand why you have but I am grateful. Bring peace to those who read this and may we all be grateful