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Healing is the thing I desire. I just don’t know how to allow myself to do so. To accept that it’s all going to be ok. I have been so hurt for so long that its what I know and expect. I don’t know how to let that go and because of that I lost one of the most important people I ever felt I had in my life.

It’s easy to get lost in oneself. I’ve been told you have to love you before others can but no one bothers to show me how they just assume I should know. But where am I supposed to get my examples to go by.

What I go through now is the pain of healing. I’m very lonely however I need the time to heal. The anger has to be released and the negativity replaced. I have to learn what I want and need for me. What in this world can bring me peace?

What do I enjoy anymore? What brings the twisted one pleasure? Can I learn to stop judging and hating me? Can I learn to love? Oh Please tell me its not to late! I wish to breath the fresh air of serenity

Now I continue to walk deeper into this unknown. I was tasked to write younger me a letter telling me all the things I wish someone would have told me but my problem is there isn’t anything I wish someone would have told me I just wish I would have been wanted to be loved. I don’t know how to show myself that. I know the steps to improve just don’t have the grasp.

I’m not sure when I actually had control of me last. Not sure I have it now. Guess in the end it really doesn’t matter. It’s not about control its about healing. I wanted a Mother but she didn’t want me. I wanted a Father but he didn’t know what he wanted and ended up just going after money.

I know my parents have major issues and I know I got a raw deal and I know that its life but I can’t grasp why? I truly don’t understand why I had to suffer because of the selfishness of my parents.

Mom decided the first alcoholic she met in Georgia Regional Mental Facility could bring her more joy than her 7 year old child. She put another man before me and dad put himself and his money before me. I’m supposed to know some word to tell a younger me that this is ok. :/

Its not. It never will be. The issues I suffer now because others brought me into this world who choose to destroy a 7 year old boy who felt he did something wrong for mommy and daddy to not only not love him anymore but not even want him anymore.

Forgive them and Please forgive me.