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No matter how much I write. How graphic I get or how detailed I present something in the end it doesn’t help with you understanding. Sure those who have gone through similar situations may have a mild understanding but for the rest, you may try to have a sympathetic heart but you truly just cannot understand.

I was told to stop having my pity party. Maybe that is what I’m having I truly don’t know all I know is that for 46 years I have lived on a planet that I have never felt wanted in.

For you it may seem like a pity party for me its a condition of my disease I am still struggling so hard to 1 Accept and 2 Understand and finally learn to deal and control.

However because I’m not physically seen as being disabled (ie I don’t need a wheelchair) Does not make my disability any less than someone who is in a wheelchair. Just because you cant see it or understand it doesn’t make any less real of a disability.

The demons have had years of playing in my heart and head. For years people have only watch me and judged me but none have ever bothered to keep walking with me. You have someone who gives or has at least given you that unconditional love I haven’t but I do know that not all of you have :( You are the ones who understand more than the others.

Nobody in my family though I was worth having. They all turned their heads and hoped the mistake would go away. What a way to show love. I hope your God doesn't do you the same. I still remember the feeling I had when I got to that first foster home. I can remember it because its still there. Why am I here if I wasn’t wanted? Even abortion is better than being stuck where your not wanted

I’m sorry I’m so pathetic in your eyes. I just pray your not judged as harshly as you have judged me. May you be shown mercy and love 2 things I truly don’t understand.