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Each day the struggle continues. Each day I learn a little something new. So many years of anger that have been suppressed for so long now wanting to explode. Yet the inclination is there to not give in.

I want to give this healing thing a try so bad but am so scared that it might be alright. I never learned how to be accepted do to the rejection I have gotten. I’ve gotten so much that the adage you can’t beat may as well join them came in and I ran with it. I’ve been hating me and life ever since.

I chased all the wrong dreams hoping for a conclusion of acceptance from my parents. I placed unrealistic expectations on those who did accept me so they could in the end reject me reinforcing the fact that I am not worthy to be here.

All I was ever taught what to do to me was hurt me by the same ones who judge me. I mean if I'm not what parents want then I certainly can’t be what someone else would want right?

Choosing me was never an option. I’ve always had to live up to the expectations of others or I was / am damned. The Crucifixion dummy for you all to laugh at. Reinforcing the choice of the first. What other way was there for me to go?

To live for me is a concept I haven't fully grasped. I pray for a resurrection in hopes that it guides me to the peace I truly seek. I ask your God to be lenient in his judgment of you. For wishing and seeing another in pain can’t take away the pain I have or have had. So there is no point in me wishing the others to suffer the hell I want them to. For in the end what I truly want is just for me to no longer be in pain. Doing what ever to who ever isn’t going to do that.

The one’s who suffered because of me I beg your mercy I am the blind raised by the ignorant. Now I’m lost in an seemingly improbable hope begging the highers to help it bring forth fruit.

We must sacrifice the child for his time is done. Let rise from the ashes like a phoenix a more chiseled serene man.