81

I have started my third resentment letter. I do admit doing so has got me a bit more agitated do to the fact that I'm thinking of them to write them down and get them out. Knowing this I have done my best to make myself scarce so as not to do anything stupid. I haven't really been posting on FB or being very social. Of course we also have company this week that I didn't expect so that has made it more important for me to be scarce.

I do admit after the first letter I felt a little better however I have a lot of resentment to get out so its going to be a process. Which means I'll feel better and worse at the same time for a while until I get more of a grasp on the resentments.

I also have been thinking about the best way to do a letter for those people I don't know that I have resentments against. You know people like the insurance person who denied your claim. So I'm thinking for those I may just try to do one letter and just get out that which I remember and not really address it to anyone particular but to the world as a whole. This way I hate you all equally :)

The Black Moon is tomorrow night and its a very positive time for big changes. I am doing all this in preparation of those big changes and It doesn't matter what they are. I am just keeping in mind the simple truth its either going to be ok or it aint either way I'm ready and I'll see it all behind me soon enough.

Releasing the resentments is only part one of my healing process. Gratitude is part 2. I suspect when I start on my gratitude letters within the next 2 weeks I will have a calmer peace to me. Or I'll still be the same asshole who hates you all equally lol

I wish to have a moment to thank my therapist for being stronger than my disease and letting me have the moments I need and she is still ready to help and be there. You are very much appreciated Melissa even if I'm to much of an asshole to always show it.

I took an unexpected trip to the camp Monday. Well it was sort of unexpected I found out Sunday I was going. So on Monday it was no longer unexpected. But anyway I had a nice time sitting out by the fire and just relaxing and soaking in the beauty of nature. I so love to be outside. That's why I started smoking again I felt so closed in. I felt that kept me more negative and it was better to smoke and get something positive for me anyway.

I thank the highers for staying with me always and I thank you as well :)

80

Sitting out this morning having my normal morning routine. I had sometime to think about my anger issues and ways to help me combat them. I have a lot of resentment that has to be released. I have decided to sit down and write a letter to each person I have a resentment(s) for. I am going to tell them each and every resentment and why it bothers me. I then am instead of mailing it to that person am going to mail them to my therapist.

I actually fired her over the weekend but after serious thought and consideration I decided that was not a great idea on my part. So I told her I still need her. I just had to realize the simple truth I was still trying to hurt me. 

However the letters are not going to stop there. After my resentment letters I am going to write gratitude letters again am only going to mail them to my therapist. This will hopefully allow me to get out the resentment and replace it with gratitude.

The reason I am going to mail everthing to my therapist is quite simple. She is the one who will be able to see how to best help me help me. But the real therapy will be in the writing and releasing of that negative engergy.

So thankful the highers are stronger and wiser than me and they are still with me.

79

While my life is in disarray to an extent. I am managing to do somethings to help with that healing process. I’m a writer and it really is the best way for me to express the pain, hurt and anger.

I was at the grocery the other day it was a tuesday morning. I thought most people would be at work but apparently around the grocery I went they had the day off. I don’t do well with crowds much to begin with but I was able to maintain my sanity long enough to shop and get what I went for. Then the shit hit the fan. Well not literally that would have been funny lol ;)

I get up to the registers and as you would know only 2 people registers are open. So I go to self checkout and out of 8 machines 5 were down. I’m like really. So I find a spot to stand and wait when a checkout opens and the guy I was waiting for went to it well then someone came from around the other corner and said oh the line is back here. I said of course it is. I pushed the buggy over to the side and walked out cussing the store for being open when they were not ready apparently.

I don’t like him. He has destroyed me and everything beautiful around me. He can’t go away though until I release him and that seems to be my major problem. Letting it go. Leaving it be. Turning Directions or what ever I just can’t seem to do it.

I don’t know what the block is. I know the hurt and pain have to be healed in order for the release to happen I am just not sure of what it’s going to take. My therapist thinks I should work on giving love to others. As soon as I figure out what exactly love is. I have an idea but no confidence in it.

Only once in my life for a brief moment did I feel anything remotely close to what I think love is.

You see what I have been taught is that everything is conditional. People only claim to love me as long as I meet the appropriate requirements. If I fail they shut me out and I am damned by them. My problem is I always fail to meet the requirements. I have heard of this thing called unconditional love but have never witnessed it. I never knew a mothers love. My mother didn’t know how to give that so she ran. Dad not sure he knows what that is either cause he sure just didn’t bother.

I wanted approval so I didn’t have to go through life alone. However that’s how its ended with me here alone. :/ Well shit then. I have recently done something that I don’t know if was foolish, desperation, hope, desire, or a wild belief that inspired me to do it. I now have to look where I am going. I’ve asked for the miracle now to allow it to happen and prepare myself for receiving it.

The choice of others can no longer be the guide. I had hoped that things would be much different for me. That I would have resembled some kind of simplistic normal life. You know got married to my sweetheart have kids buy a house grow old together and deeper in love. I’m awake now.

What I wish for is that connection with someone at the very depths of the soul level. However I expect nothing and will plan for the worst. I will keep hope alive as it seems she is harder to be rid of then coach roaches. I just can’t live for it anymore.

I praise those on the other side who have been looking after me. I don’t understand why you have but I am grateful. Bring peace to those who read this and may we all be grateful

78

I said something to my therapist Last weekend when I got a bit to tipsy for my own good. I sent her a text saying thats what I get for expecting the hired help to care. Or something very similar along those lines.

It was a cruel thing to say and I do regret sending it to her. It did however get me to thinking about the reality of the situation and honestly I’m not far off. Now don’t get me wrong I know my therapist cares however she is only there because its her job. She is not there because she choose to be.She never even knew I existed so how could she.

Its her job. Something to help keep the child from going hungry. She can only stretch herself so far. Weekends for me seem to be a really hard time for me. Mostly because I am alone and don’t have a connection with anyone who I feel I can completely open up to. I had that but I allowed my disease to destroy it.

So I guess I am getting what I asked for. Oh well doesn’t really matter anyways everyone leaves me at some point. They always have. No body ever made me feel like I was valuable enough to keep with them. Most choose not to on their own accord while only one did not.

I know it really doesn’t matter to anyone out there and I honestly don’t know why I bother writing in here half the time but I guess it helps me in someway.

I am so ready for this pain to stop and the blanket of anger to be cleansed. I’m so hurt it seems all I do is hurt others. I don’t wish to just don’t know how to stop. I guess throwing me in the woods and treating me like an animal has left me inappropriate for society.

Now everyone’s judgment is bearing down on me. Raised wild expected to be tame. And I’m the one who gets persecuted :(

77

Each day the struggle continues. Each day I learn a little something new. So many years of anger that have been suppressed for so long now wanting to explode. Yet the inclination is there to not give in.

I want to give this healing thing a try so bad but am so scared that it might be alright. I never learned how to be accepted do to the rejection I have gotten. I’ve gotten so much that the adage you can’t beat may as well join them came in and I ran with it. I’ve been hating me and life ever since.

I chased all the wrong dreams hoping for a conclusion of acceptance from my parents. I placed unrealistic expectations on those who did accept me so they could in the end reject me reinforcing the fact that I am not worthy to be here.

All I was ever taught what to do to me was hurt me by the same ones who judge me. I mean if I'm not what parents want then I certainly can’t be what someone else would want right?

Choosing me was never an option. I’ve always had to live up to the expectations of others or I was / am damned. The Crucifixion dummy for you all to laugh at. Reinforcing the choice of the first. What other way was there for me to go?

To live for me is a concept I haven't fully grasped. I pray for a resurrection in hopes that it guides me to the peace I truly seek. I ask your God to be lenient in his judgment of you. For wishing and seeing another in pain can’t take away the pain I have or have had. So there is no point in me wishing the others to suffer the hell I want them to. For in the end what I truly want is just for me to no longer be in pain. Doing what ever to who ever isn’t going to do that.

The one’s who suffered because of me I beg your mercy I am the blind raised by the ignorant. Now I’m lost in an seemingly improbable hope begging the highers to help it bring forth fruit.

We must sacrifice the child for his time is done. Let rise from the ashes like a phoenix a more chiseled serene man.

76

Healing is the thing I desire. I just don’t know how to allow myself to do so. To accept that it’s all going to be ok. I have been so hurt for so long that its what I know and expect. I don’t know how to let that go and because of that I lost one of the most important people I ever felt I had in my life.

It’s easy to get lost in oneself. I’ve been told you have to love you before others can but no one bothers to show me how they just assume I should know. But where am I supposed to get my examples to go by.

What I go through now is the pain of healing. I’m very lonely however I need the time to heal. The anger has to be released and the negativity replaced. I have to learn what I want and need for me. What in this world can bring me peace?

What do I enjoy anymore? What brings the twisted one pleasure? Can I learn to stop judging and hating me? Can I learn to love? Oh Please tell me its not to late! I wish to breath the fresh air of serenity

Now I continue to walk deeper into this unknown. I was tasked to write younger me a letter telling me all the things I wish someone would have told me but my problem is there isn’t anything I wish someone would have told me I just wish I would have been wanted to be loved. I don’t know how to show myself that. I know the steps to improve just don’t have the grasp.

I’m not sure when I actually had control of me last. Not sure I have it now. Guess in the end it really doesn’t matter. It’s not about control its about healing. I wanted a Mother but she didn’t want me. I wanted a Father but he didn’t know what he wanted and ended up just going after money.

I know my parents have major issues and I know I got a raw deal and I know that its life but I can’t grasp why? I truly don’t understand why I had to suffer because of the selfishness of my parents.

Mom decided the first alcoholic she met in Georgia Regional Mental Facility could bring her more joy than her 7 year old child. She put another man before me and dad put himself and his money before me. I’m supposed to know some word to tell a younger me that this is ok. :/

Its not. It never will be. The issues I suffer now because others brought me into this world who choose to destroy a 7 year old boy who felt he did something wrong for mommy and daddy to not only not love him anymore but not even want him anymore.

Forgive them and Please forgive me.   

75

No matter how much I write. How graphic I get or how detailed I present something in the end it doesn’t help with you understanding. Sure those who have gone through similar situations may have a mild understanding but for the rest, you may try to have a sympathetic heart but you truly just cannot understand.

I was told to stop having my pity party. Maybe that is what I’m having I truly don’t know all I know is that for 46 years I have lived on a planet that I have never felt wanted in.

For you it may seem like a pity party for me its a condition of my disease I am still struggling so hard to 1 Accept and 2 Understand and finally learn to deal and control.

However because I’m not physically seen as being disabled (ie I don’t need a wheelchair) Does not make my disability any less than someone who is in a wheelchair. Just because you cant see it or understand it doesn’t make any less real of a disability.

The demons have had years of playing in my heart and head. For years people have only watch me and judged me but none have ever bothered to keep walking with me. You have someone who gives or has at least given you that unconditional love I haven’t but I do know that not all of you have :( You are the ones who understand more than the others.

Nobody in my family though I was worth having. They all turned their heads and hoped the mistake would go away. What a way to show love. I hope your God doesn't do you the same. I still remember the feeling I had when I got to that first foster home. I can remember it because its still there. Why am I here if I wasn’t wanted? Even abortion is better than being stuck where your not wanted

I’m sorry I’m so pathetic in your eyes. I just pray your not judged as harshly as you have judged me. May you be shown mercy and love 2 things I truly don’t understand.

74

Sometimes Just waking upon the morning is enough to trigger a bad mood. Not that you woke up or the feeling of oh shit here we still are. No I mean sometimes I just wake up in a mood that there is seemingly no reason for. Sometimes I can realize right off the bat that I’m not in a particular good mood and sometimes it takes a while for me to see it.

I don’t think we can get everything we ask for. I asked to be uncreated as I see no purpose to life. Sometimes its not the impossible that's impossible its just improbable. Without Probability there can be no possibility.

Anger grips my brain bring hatred out that is as pure as sunshine

How do I stop it? Make it go away? Keep the madness at bay?

Or do I endure and become the monster they have been crafting me to be?

Oh how the hell of my choice will bring fury to the fulfilled

I can’t find who I am

I don’t know who I want to be

I’m lost, confused and alone

and that’s all I truly know

73

im sorry i was to damaged for you to accept me into your world.
Im sorry you had to even know of my existence.
I apologize for breathing, my love
may you never know pain again

My hatred from not being wanted taken out on you
the angel that gave me the only moment in life worth living
i'm just so fucking sorry
anger runs in my veins where there should be love

to much rejection reminding me I was never worthy of love
my own mother rejected me, what made me even dream that this angel would accept me. I don’t know what possessed me to think someone as wonderful as Michele would? who was i to ever deserve such an amazing person
Wasn't it my own father that said i was less that a cockroach?
I mean I must be fucked up cause neither mom or dad wanted me.
I was to damaged for them so why did I hurt such an amazing angel by my existence?

she so did not deserved to be hurt by me
the angel that used to have feelings for me :(
now i wait for the demise that should have already been
the shame i have forever in my sin
a hatred for life cause none of you ever accepted me to begin with.

72

I never understood nor will I ever understand unconditional love. My mother the whoring bitch she is/was didn’t want’ me. She grabbed the first Alcoholic she could find and ran as far away from me as she could. Thanks you worthless piece of shit whoring bitch. I fucking hate you. Why did you bring me in this fucking world if you didn’t wan’t me. So that I could suffer because of your wortlessness. FUCK YOU an DIE you bitch