8

Still going through the emotional roller coaster. My laptop screen shattered on me the other day when my mouse wouldn't work and I closed the lid to shut it down like I have a few times before but something was on the laptop that I did not see and when I shut it on it it shattered the screen. Fortunately I still have the TV that I use as a monitor but I cant believe that crap happened. I've been having issues with my trackball and known for sometime I need to replace it. 

I have been getting better at my focus on things and keeping up with what is important. I still have a ways to go but I'm going. It gets easy to slip back into the old and comfortable. I guess it makes us human. We rarely go to the uncomfortable. We allow the fear to keep us in our state. Never is it easy for me to accept when I fucked up. I can admit it easily enough just have a much harder time accepting it. 

Acceptance is key in the journey. It allows us to be completely honest with ourselves. This gives us clear communication between body, mind and soul. We need this communication if we are to start learning to communicate with others. Allowing ourselves to see that the demon in us is well just really us. Accepting that we don't have to live this way is very hard. Understanding that you are who you choose to be requires that acceptance.

Aligning the truth with the desire can get tricky as well. For the most part everyone wants the same things. We all want love and happiness. How that happiness comes is as different as the stars. Problem comes that when we get a “want” we are already thinking in fear. Which will just chain us to the thinking we are trying to replace. 

Reaching for gratitude when your not very grateful is a stretch. We all wish to feel grateful for those things we have but I know for me I allow my fear to over shadow my gratitude. As long as I'm in fear I cannot be truly grateful. Desiring to be a grateful person means accepting the truth that your not. We never desire what we already have. Only that which we do not. 

Now does that mean if you desire to be a “good” person your not. No. What it does mean is that the definition of good is not being met by your standard. Which is usually the soul telling you how you should be and the mind is not aligned with the translation. We have the qualities and we do display them in many ways. We allow the fear we have to keep us from getting all the signals that the soul is sending. Fear tells me I'm not good enough because the soul is telling me we should be more accepting. When we accept then we can let go. When we let go we are then able to move.

I'm still accepting things and yeah its slow but I understand that its putting me in the direction I should be in. Do I still want to hold on of course I do that is my fear of not having trying to keep me chained in the negative thinking its bonded me in for so many years. Breaking the chains is tough work. It takes discipline. I lack patience which is a big part of being disciplined. Of course at least that is what I led myself to believe. I do have patience when I want to. I just need to train myself into realizing that. 

Fear is created by want. Want leads to more. More leads to fear. Vicious cycle isn't it? It can be broke, one only has to have the will. I have it and I'm applying it. Still I do have all the ingredients I need to become the man I desire to be. And we all do if we believe it. I'm a great cook I just have to realize what I have and not forget about some important ingredient. Being conscience and making those decisions means being real with me. 

Focusing on a new and improved me is a fear thing. I don't focus. I am just being. Until we see the truth of our thoughts can't change them. I have 40+ years of fearful living to change and the thoughts that have kept me there. I know I will accomplish my goal. I do not doubt.