7

Past couple of days have been a bit rough. First I go to pick up my daughter to have some dad time and the truck broke down. We ended up having to tow it home and spent the next couple of days working on it and still its not running. Sad part is I had no warning It was running great and now it wont turn over. It cranks just wont turn over. So thats been a bit frustrating. I also started talking to someone who within less than four days of knowing each other ask me to send her money. I'm like fuck you go away. Told me she needed it because she had no food for her son. Bullshit to many places around that wont let a child starve so she could have gotten local help. Besides told me she lived with an uncle. 

Can't see anyone letting a kid go hungry especially when they are family but it is what it is. I just get tired of these girls who say they are looking for their soul mate but don't even get to know you before they are asking for a hand out. Why do so many people play these games. Prey on the lonely. May you get what you deserve bitch.

I did have a great time with my daughter and am looking so forward to her next visit :) We had a really good talk and we both opened up to each other and there is no better feeling in the world than your child trusting in you. We are both growing up and its nice :)

I'm still having a struggle dealing with the loss of Michele. I still very much love her and very much want her back in my life. But I'm doing my best to not focus on that and to change my perspective to my kids and my own life.

I still get very negative when it comes to my life though and sometimes I'm just ready to throw in the towel and say fuck this place and leave the planet for good and never come back. I know this is still fear based thinking and I have to find my way through it. Just wish it wasn't so hard for me. I grew up with nothing. I was placed in foster homes and boys homes most of my adolescent life I spent maybe 8 total years with family the rest in homes. I still have trouble letting things go. I want to just don't seem to be able to. 

I'm still working on being the me I wish to be. A person who lives in love and not fear. Just so many years of fearful thinking has left me well, fearful. I don't want to be that way anymore just seems it doesn't want me to go away from it. Anyway every day is a struggle but I'm grateful for every moment. I know I have what it takes to get through all this just don't always wish to be willing to. Still I have so much to be grateful for and I don't want anyone to think I'm unappreciative to them as I did Michele at the end. I know that things will get better for me and that I'm still in mourning over my loss. I just want to be a good dad a loving husband and enjoy my remaining time with a true soul mate.