4

Letting others choices define me left me with a definition of myself I did not like. That is exactly what happened with Michele and I. She made a choice in October and I allowed that choice to define me and who I was to become. The choice only helped reinforce my fear of losing her. So I held on to the fear and eventually got what I feared. I wish I could go back and do it right and I wish I could have my friend back but I have to be thankful for what I had and have with her and do my best to move forward. 

Its tough losing the only intimate relationship you have had in a long time. Mind you when I say intimate I do not mean sexual. Intimacy is so much more than a mere sexual experience. Intimacy is Laughing, Crying, Loving and talking to each other about anything. To many times we take things for granted. To many times we think we know something only to be proven not correct. 

Choosing to change your path is the first step in changing it. Be careful not to keep a hold on fear. Ask yourself consistently what is the underlying feeling here is it love or fear. If its fear change it to love. The process for this is as different as we are. For me its writing. I love to write out my thoughts and feelings. I love to share them with those who want to share in them. For you? ask yourself. You know  your best form of communication. So do it. If your similar to me and like to share your stuff then please invite me to share with you :) 

Making the conscience choice to be someone other than you have been is effort. I know not a very popular word in a world where we expect to take a pill and all the pain be gone instantly. As I have said before its a process and process take time. We need to be grateful for the opportunity to show us how we are aligning with who we desire to be. Grateful though does not always mean happy. Gratefulness will lead you to happiness but it doesn't mean your happy now. Again its a process.

When we try to rush things we deny ourselves the opportunities to examine, or measure, if you will our progress. When we take our time and appreciate the lessons we are remembering we can create better experiences. After all that is what we want right? Having a better life with better experiences. My process will not be the same as yours and that's perfectly ok. We each move at our own pace and we each learn differently. Rejoice in that. Its those things that make us unique. 

Keeping myself going in this new direction is a difficult task. I have had so many bad habits for so long that they have been ingrained. Now I have to un ingrain them :) This is one of those area's where Michele was good at helping me with. I just wish I would have figured it out sooner. But I figured it out now and am being the me I wish to be. 

I still have a ways to go and everyday I get closer. I'm no longer worried about a destination just enjoying the journey. And while some of the falling rocks are not so fun to run into I know they are helping me define the me I wish to be. I didn't want to see it that way but I realized looking at it any way other than the truth is only lying to myself and keeping me in fear.

Yes I still have a lot of fear. I have major insecurities and lots of doubt. All fear based feelings. I still miss the interaction but am continuing to move with out it. I  may look alone but I know I'm not. I still have me and well I actually like me so guess I'm in good company. Yes I still want my intimate relationship but I'm going to be my best and not fear. It hasn't been easy and I have a ways to go but I'm not planning on giving up or throwing in the towel like I have so many times before. I'm to old to go back and to smart not to keep forward.