125

The weather here lately has been just lovely its been in the high sixties to lows in only the fourtys. I’ve had my window open for about a week now and I am so enjoying the feeling of the clean cool air. Well at least clean enough lol :/

I had an interesting thought this morning about the perfect woman for me. Now I will say that no, I’m not ready for that type of relationship but I think its important to know what you truly want. I was just sitting out smoking a cig and enjoying the wonderful weather when the thought kinda popped in my head. Funny how something out of the blue does that.

The perfect woman for me is someone of course I find attractive. She has a great since of humor and loves a lot of the same music I do. She challenge’s me in those areas I need challenging in and supports me in those areas where I need support. She is able to talk to me about any subject and be able to keep up when I start getting on my soap box lol. She is sensual, compassionate, passionate, loyal, understanding and devoted to us. She is someone who enjoys being secludded with me somewhere in nature or holding my hand in a crowd. She inspire’s me to live life and not just think about it. She relies on me as I rely on her. She free’s me as I free her. She enjoys trying new things and encourages me to try them. She protects me as I protect her. She is kind and pateint. She is intelligent and enjoys conversation. She loves me and I love her. And of course she loves smoking from the bong with me ;)

I still have a few issues I need to work out and I am doing so but it was nice to sit and think about something like that and not have a name attached. For so long I just wanted Michele so letting that dream go allowed me to really think about the type of woman I do desire. Not only has letting that dream go allow me to think about what kind of romantic relationship I do want it allowed me time to start learning to be an actual friend to someone

I have had a few decent talks with Michele and Lisa lately. Michele is telling me about this trip she and the kids are taking. Lisa had to text with me a few times this last week as my phone was off but its been fun.

I enjoy not having put the pressure on myself to become the mate but to just be a friend. These are two incredible women and I’m honored to have them as a part of my life. Honestly though after I gave it some real though the most important woman in my life right now is Melissa. She after all is the therapist that has to get pulled by my rollercoaster ;) lol

However she has really helped me not to have such a rollercoaster anymore. I’m finding my peace within myself again. I am enjoying the ever wonderful moments of sunshine that has been glowing in my life these last few months and I am ready to receive even more. It’s taking a lot of serious honest looking at who I was and asking is this who I am? I didn’t like the answer and I could have done what I done millions of times before just said fuckit and not care. Just live in that darkness until it drowned me. I didn’t want to repeat that however. So I decided that if I don’t like who I am then change to who I really am.

I’m doing one moment at a time and allowing myself to not focus on those things that don’t serve me now. I am just taking care of me. I’m allowing wounds to heal and I am changing the behaviors I find unappealing.

I did not do it alone though. First all there is the three ladies that I have discussed that have helped in their own way. Second the highers have been with me and constantly reminding me they are still there. Of course there are also my roommates who with out their support I would have been totally lost a long time ago. I’m so thankful for all of these loving spirits in my life. I am most thankful though that I have begun to love myself.

As each moment goes by and I allow myself to let go the burdens becomes less and less. I am currently being challenged by the highers and I’m not so sure of what I am to do :/ I know I have to talk to them and ask and I have but not so sure I understood the answer :/ So I guess time to talk again ;)

My life has been blessed and I never could see it as long as I kept my negative blinders on. And while there still maybe some days and moments I have been allowing myself to learn to see the light.

124

In growing and learning to release old habits and old ways of thinking we sometimes trip ourselves up. At times it can seem to be a whole lot of things to manage at one time.

Holding on to those old core beliefs only leads us to more turmoil. It keeps us from enjoying life and loving ourselves. Allowing those core beliefs to take hold can also keep us from wonderful opportunities for growth. Unlearning what you have learned is easier when you start learning to apply what you should have learned.

Still its no walk in the park. Well maybe it could be depending on the park lol. Sometimes its not easy to refrain from those old habits and core beliefs however I am finding out as I become closer to my higher self that everything happens for a reason and its generally up to us to look at the situation and learn what we are supposed to from it.

I’m learning to get my mind out of the box and truly think. I’ve learned the more I try to control things the more out of control I’ll be. Which causes those core beliefs to sneak in and take over. Holding me back from what the universe is wanting me to have. Learning to trust a process instead of my own idea of control. Allowing a change in myself that allows me to let go of the idea of control and to fully allow the process to change me.

As I am learning I am applying to the best of my ability. Sometimes the results are positive and sometimes not. But I can’t focus on the results as they are just small endings of a journey I was supposed to pay attention to.

Life is nothing more than the extent of our own experiences. If we want greatness then we must be great. If we want to dwell in our own self pity then we just give up and see nothing is worth it.

I dwelled in my own self pity for years and have experiences you get from self pity. I have since learned to actually heal and let things go that no longer serve me. As I transfer self pity to self love I feel love. I am ready to accept love. Now I am learning to give it to myself and appreciate it.

Acceptance is the key. I had to accept things about myself I didn’t care for and I had to accept things I did and still do. I had to accept the fact that if I wanted change then I had to look at reality and start healing those wounds that I allowed to hold me back for so long.

I pray and give thanks to the highers as they have continued to show me how wonderful life can be if I accept it. I thank them for never giving up on me even when I did.  

123

I find that when things happen I am learning to cope with them better than I had before. Take for instance the whole divorce court thing. 6 months or a year ago and I would have completely broke down and thrown in the towel. I would have retreated to that dark negative place I’ve been so comfortable in most of my life.

I am not only becoming more balanced I can now feel it. I give thanks to the highers for this feeling. Without their belief in me and their support of me I would have never gotten this far.

While I may have a ways to go to reach my goal I know that I am well on my way and I can see the changes. The peace that I seek is within my grasp. Something I would have found to be impossible just a few months ago.

I am still very sad and hurt that I was so misunderstood. However I am not going to hold on to that I have to let it go and continue to learn to communicate the thoughts, feelings and ideas I have. Even then I’m sure I’m going to be misunderstood as I am learning that we all have our own understanding and not the right to expect that someone is on the same page as we are just because they are intelligent enough to be so.

I have allowed my experiences to define who I was now I am defining the experiences I want from who I am. I’m still very unsure of what that is though. I’ve been on the planet this go around for the last 47 years and really haven’t experienced life. Something that I am in process of changing.

While the past few weeks have not gone anthing like I would have wanted I can say the way I have dealt with the disappointment has been far more positive than even I thought possible. I may continue to run into walls but I’m learning to walk around them.

The anger is being replaced with compassion and understanding. No I will never understand why certain things happen the way they do but I am learning to trust that they are happening for my betterment.

In my quest of changing those negative core beliefs I am learning to replace those habits that reinforce those beliefs. I take it day by day and minute by minute. I’m learning to focus on me with love and compassion. Every lesson has given me something valuable and I am allowing myself to understand no one has done me wrong. I’ve only managed to survive this long from the strength that I gained from those undesirable experiences. As I see and understand the gifts that each experience has given me I learn to accept my reward and use it for the betterment of me.

I thank you all for the gifts you have given me. While I may not understand the reasons why I can choose to accept it positively or negatively and I am choosing postive.

I leave you with this though that was so eliquently written by Roger Waters:

The Lunatic is on the grass.

Remember its all about perspective ;)

122

These past few weeks have not been anything like I had hoped for. The only thing that seemingly has gone right was the visit with my doctor to get meds for the anxiety.

I was working on rebuilding a friendship with Lisa however I must have upset her somehow as now she isn’t talking to me at all. I sent her a couple of text and she hasn’t bothered to reply. Im not sure how I upset her and maybe it doesnt matter. It appears that being me just hurts people. So best thing for me to do is just isolate myself even more than I already am.

I’ve been working very hard on transforming my negative energy into positive energy and it seems that everyhthing is against me. Yesterday I was supposed to face the judge for my divorce however they wouldn’t see me because I didnt have a witness nor did Erica show up. So now it has to be rescheduled :( just another fucking delay. When the courts told me Erica didn’t have to be there they never bothered to tell me I needed a witness. Its not like I have done this kind of thing before and I can assure you never again.

Not only that I managed to sprain or at least I hope its just a sprain my right foot. I was on my way to the courthouse when I steped off the curb and right into a v shaped cut (I’m assuming for rain run off). So now every time I walk I get to be reminded of how clutsy I am :(

I’m doing everything I can to just keep me afloat right now. Recent events with people have me convinced that I really just don’t need to bother with trying to build anykind of relationship with anyone. I’m either being judged for being misunderstood or I’m being avoided. At this juction it doesn’t matter I am only doing the best I can to be a better me. I can’t worry about how others take me.

As much as I don’t like being alone I really don’t have the tolerance to deal with fragile egos and emotions. I have enough of that on my own to deal with much less try to deal with someone elses.

Anyways I’m just really down and hurt. I am however grateful that things are not worse than they are and I do pray that I survive the rest of this year that so far hasn’t been anything close to what I wanted or hoped for.

121

Been another one of those weeks where I’m not sure what is up and what is down. :/ I have been super anxious as of late and thursday I went to see my doctor. We put me on some new meds and cut one of the ones I was on in half. Over all though it was another decent week. Some unwanted things happened but that is just the way life is sometimes and we have to learn to accept it.

My journey has led me to many discoveries about myself. Its also magnified the insight that I contain. I remember a song from the late 80’s titled “What I Am” it contains a lyric choke me in the shallow water before I get to deep. For me that is way to late. I was already to deep when the song apeared but It did give me a perspective of life that only helped fuel my sadness.

I was judging. I didn’t realize it at the time and sometimes its still very hard to pick up on. Don’t get me wrong in our society it’s almost a necessity to judge. We all have our clicks and if you don’t fit in it or that doesn’t appeal to us and yada yada yada. I think you get my point.

I have a natural right to dicernment. Meaning I can decide what fits in my life and what does not. I don’t have the right to judge those that live lives differently than myne. I don’t have the right to judge how one acts, thinks, walks or talks. I don’t have a right to judge them for their beliefs. Yet I do it daily and its so natural for me to do that most times its not even a thought. Most importantly I don’t have the right to persecute them for the differences.

Becoming conscience of those habits and changing them is not a walk in the park. It would seem the more intune I become to my higher self the more the loving side is showing me things that I do not like. Before I would have just thrown my hands up said fuck it and just not even bothered. There are times its still seems to be an option however I have already traveled that road and know where it goes.

The trail I am cutting as I walk has shown me that there is a lot of beautiful things about. Sometimes we just can’t see it right away because we haven’t quite got ourselves into focus. So many of us focus on where we are going instead of where we are. We tend to over look those things that are there to remind us to enjoy the walk.

I was recently in a small discussion with someone about the subject forgiveness. I knew what I said to be truth and somehow it wasn’t received in the understanding way that I had thought. The person disagreed with my thoughts and started telling me obvious things about unforgivness and yada yada.

Forgiveness is a debt term. Used by the old masters to relieve someone of a finacial debt that the masters knew the person was unable to pay. Forgiveness has become a term used by Christians to get amnesty for their sins. So when we forgive someone for something its because we feel we were owed but they can’t or just won’t ever be able to repay.

I was explaining that its letting go is the key and not forgiveness. I mean if someone does something harmful to you you have the choice to let it go or to hold on to it. Example: In third grade little suzy pulled your hair every day and it frustrated you and hurt your feelings. Time goes on You have your own kids and go to a class reunion and see little suzy and maybe even joke about how she used to pull your hair. You see at the time of the “crime” it seemed important but as you moved on in life you naturally let it go as it was no longer a defining issue. So in Letting go you released her of the debt you felt owed. Maybe her not pulling your hair or whatever you felt at the time she owed you.

We look at things so wrong as that is unfortunately how we have been taught. We don’t owe forgiveness to anyone. Everyone has given us something and just because the lesson hurt doesn’t mean you didn’t get something very valuable from the very person you feel owes you. We either choose to hang on to the bitterness of that pain and allow the person or circumstance that put us there to continue to control us or we can accept that we just got educated on why that person or situation came into our life and let it go and move forward with the new information you have discovered.

A couple breaks up and one of them is looking at the situation and going why did I waste so much time on them or how could they do this to me? And Yada yada yada. You are missing the most important stuff though, You learned that you can love, You learned that you have likes and dislikes, You learned that you can’t always know a person even when you know them. You learned that things change rather you want them to or not. You learned you love yourself.

To hold on to that negative and allow it to control is not an option for me anymore. No I’m not perfect and I am still holding on to way more than I should be. The difference is that I have let go and I am getting better at it.

The word forgiveness itself is a conclusional term. However we rarely use it as such. Much like the word love, forgiveness is very often misused. To say I forgive you is saying I have let go, not that I am letting go. Letting go means I’m slowly releasing however that’s just hanging on. I have had a very hard time getting that as I have been forgiving myself. I learned that those things I wish I would have done or those things I wish I wouldn’t have done don’t matter. I am either choosing to hang on to a guilt that will only lead me to hanging on even more, or I am letting it go and realizing its not worth holding on to. The forgiveness of myself happens naturally after I let go. The forgivness is then conclusional.

120

Last week I learned a bit and had a few surprises. The over all of the week was better than it appeared. While circumstances were not always favorable results were. As I continue on this road of healing I make discovery’s of myself. Good, bad and ugly.

I decided about a year ago to try and get some help with the mental issues I battle. Taking on this battle has led me to acceptance. I still have issues with accepting somethings in life as I’m sure most of us do.

I’m learning to slowly turn the negatives into postive. I’m learning to create the energy I wish to receive. I am preparing myself for the most important Love of my life. Me.

As I continue to heal the engine of anger is slowing down. The anxiety is still very high and I am working on correcting that. I reread a few things yesterday as I was thinking about the week I had and I realized that my anxiety had me miss some valuable information. Had I not been so anxious when I first read some of these things I may have not missed this information.

While things have begun to slowly move the anxiety seems to be trying to climax again on me. The last time that happened it cost more than I truly understood and more than I ever wanted it to.

However at that time I wasn’t in the process of healing I was still in a very self destructive mode. Now I am learning to pay attention so as to not repeat the same mistakes. I plan on making all new ones instead LOL

I am so grateful for the lessons of late that have shown me the next phases of healing I must attain. I know I will have to face some more truths about me and I’m armed with the attitude that what I don’t like I will change. When I built the wall I never intended to be it’s prisoner. I didn’t see how it was consuming the light that was desperatly trying to keep me free.

As I heal and learn to communicate I find myself embracing the compassionate side of me. Becoming more sensitive to the feelings of others allowing myself to put me aside to understand them. That has led to me undestanding me more and that has been helping me evolve into the higher me.

Its not the pain that defines you its how you deal with it. I spent so many years of my life dealing with it in all the wrong ways. I’m still not completely certain of how to deal with some of it however its not my concern but the concern of the highers.

I know as long as I continue to do better I will get better. Processess get ugly at times. Arming myself with the love of the ancients gaining my wisdom through the love of the highers. I march on in confidence.

Wanting better means doing better. Give the energy you wish to get. Life is not a journey to a destination life is a journey to a transformation. The rawness of my character is being chiseld off and the weight is becoming more bearable.

Bad choices can lead us to a stalemate where we think we are content with our lives and the arrangment of boxes we have so neatly stacked things in because its our way of keeping control. Not realizing we have become prisoners to it. Going outside means giving up that control.

We can gather all the information we want to guide us to what our hearts desire however we must get uncomforatable and get rid of the boxes. We must go out to change that which is within. Information without action is just words to forget.

119

I got up at three this moring after a terrible night. I had a very bad moment yesterday and it put into question some things I would rather it had not. While I wont go into specifics I will say that a lot of good came from it. So the small step back was just to propel.

I have an extreme amount of axiety. I don’t always control things very well and I get a thought and run with it even when I shouldn’t. Things could have ended up much worse for me and I have learned some very harsh truths this morning that really have put things into perspective.

Past behaviors of myne have caused a pain that I never understood how deep it went. I destroyed a relationship that wasn’t even myne. I never meant to hurt so many people with my own pain. I am sorry for those who were affected. I can’t undo anything I can only improve the person I am now.

I wanted something so bad that I didn’t care who I hurt I just wanted it the real irony here is that its truly the last thing I need. I can barely do me. I have been focusing on doing just me. Last night I found out that I still have some more me to focus on.

Facing the honesty I had to face this morning/last night has not been easy and I’m a bundle of mixed emotions right now. I did have a really good chat with Michele this morning and feel that some very much needed things got sorted out. I have had to truly see the full consequences of my past actions and I hate him.

I am growing and its painful but what choice do I have? I can’t go back to being him. He is a selfish asshole who doesn’t care who he hurts and I just can’t be him anymore. I have done a lot of growing in the past year and I am so thankful I have the chance to continue to do so.

I am facing a few challenges but I am not facing them alone. I have support and I do appreciate it so very much. Especially when I don’t know how to show it.