102

In life tragic things happen that help us to think of where we are going and why. The past few weeks have not been as good as I would have liked them to be. Someone I knew was killed. I had to spend my holiday without my family. And to top it off I'm still in limbo in a few areas as I have to wait for other things first.

Its been emotional however I feel that I have done a good job of handling it all. While I am sad and hurt I am also very grateful at the same time. I know things could be much worse and I am so glad they are not. I still have the highers here with me encouraging me to continue this difficult road.

I decided a while back I wanted different in my life. That meant I had to do different. I am continually doing just that. I may not be where I desire to be or even have those things I desire to have but I am not where I used to be and that is what matters most.

Still I have impatience yet I am learning how to handle it differently. It was always easy before to just start blaming the world for my misfortunes. Now I am learning to accept my part and not that which belongs to others. Yes I would still like to have everything yesterday but now I realize I have to be ready for them more than I think I am.

I continue to do my part in maturing my mind. I am happy with me and where I am at and the direction I have chosen to go. I am proud of the accomplishments I have recently made however it was not just I but those who supported me as well. We have worked hard and have made real progress. Thank you.

I woke up the other morning feeling very pissy. I am not exactly sure why and don't believe it matters now. For about three hours I was just pissy with the world. Nothing felt right.

While I was in the garage having a smoke the cat came in and started rubbing her head on my leg so I reached down and started petting her. She was in heaven lol. She then proceeded to jump on the couch next to me and crawl up on my lap. The most beautiful part about it was the fact that I had released my pissiness do to the fact that I was sharing love with another animal.

When I recognized this I stopped and thanked the highers for such a wonderful moment and lesson. No matter how one feels just keep sharing love. Ironically the rest of my day was good. Nothing else happened or anything just the appreciation of a selfless moment spent petting a cat.

It was a moment that reminded me to remember when looking in gets to much to bear then its time to start looking out and see results of your growth. To appreciate everything that got you to that moment.

I'm glad I still have the capacity to not only learn new things but to understand them as well. Every moment will bring us growth if we allow it. I've been tore down enough now is my rising from those ashes.

Keep the engine running :) remember always Smile and Think Positive. Thank you for the lessons and I'm so grateful they are coming to me gently, gracefully and lovingly.  

101

Death is never an easy thing to handle. Especially the death of a child. Recently a young man I knew was killed. This happened sometime last week. His body was found in an abandoned building Sunday night. He was only sixteen years old.

To his family there is just not words to express my deepest condolences. I would not even want to try to imagine the pain you must feel.

So many times I have taken for granted my own life. Not caring if I died. Not living. The changes I have been so working on the past few months has giving me a new perspective of my own life. I have learned to appreciate it.

This sixteen year old hadn't even started to live life. Now he won't ever have the chance. While it's easy to blame the gunman who shot him its harder to accept our own responsibility for it. We have bought into a system that is designed to kill us.

We have allowed a system of possession to run our lives. A long time ago we traded human value for a possession. To own something but here is the real sad part. You never actually own it. You only are leasing it.

Land will be here after you go and someone else will lease it. Don't pay the taxes on your property and the county will auction it off. Cloths you wear will either rip and tear and become rags or trash or they could end up as hand me downs again possession goes to someone else.

We kill each other for a worthless piece of paper that you can't even eat. We raise our children to buy into this world of corruption. How many more must pay the price for our ignorance? When will we evolve from this barbaric state of man?

It is Thanksgiving time here in America. A day we take to be thankful for what we have. However we don't think of the price paid for that. The land we stole. The people we sold. The slaves we owned. The bombs we dropped. We don't think about the countless lives that were unnecessarily killed for that which we think we have. We are fleas fighting over who owns the dog.

This holiday will never be the same for this poor family. Such a tragic loss of life. I ask the highers to give them comfort and peace. Wrap the family in love and absorb their pain. May we one day grow up and stop all this childish behavior so no more family's will have to suffer the same fate.

100

Things have been going well lately and I am so grateful for that fact. I sent Erica the paperwork for our divorce and she signed everything and sent it back. I have started to experience more peace than I have in a very long time. Yet this morning I find myself aggravated.

The lighter that doesn't want to light, the sleep that refuses to happen. The desires I still struggle letting go of. The timing of some recent events. All have me aggravated. I'm not ungrateful for the things that have gone the way they should. Its those things I don't think are going the way I think they should be going.

Its hard to let go of the control and just let life happen. I have some major trust issues not just with people but with life itself. I am doing my very best to continue on this positive tract as I know its the only salvation I truly will have.

Still I have to allow myself to be patient with things and honestly its wearing very thin. I currently have a roommate who I find myself getting very tense every time she comes around. She is a nice enough person and is harmless for the most part. She reminds me of my mom some what needing the world to revolve around her. No matter how much you try to change a subject it always goes back to her.

I just cut my mom off for the same behavior. Honestly though the roommate isn't as bad as my mom thankfully but the behaviors that are there I find are being triggers for me. Its causing me stress where I really don't need it. At home.

Its a martyr syndrome this person has. She does so much for so little, blah blah blah. I sometimes want to build a cross and put it in the back yard so when she starts talking about her crap I can tell her to go ahead and crucify herself and leave the rest of us alone. I get she has had a rough life as well but she really does bully her shit on others. But I guess we all do in our own way.

I'm so much a recluse that I have this outlet here and that's about it. I do have the highers and I have my therapist. Both whom help tremendously. Of course I have gone through a lot of changes and I am pretty exhausted. Put that with the very little sleep I have been getting and yeah it makes since I'm getting more aggravated. I'm not getting any rest.

Still things are happening in a timely manner and I just have to figure out how to allow myself to rest. Ever so grateful to the highers who continue to stand with me, beside me and support me. Thank you who do the same :)

99

There are things we have in our past that we don't always care to look at. Those moments when we hurt others and were selfish, ungrateful and had no care. Looking back at moments like that can make one feel like a bad person however it doesn't mean you are.

I'm a good person who made some bad choices and because of those bad choices I am able to make better ones. However the process takes two things: first is the honestly to realize your selfish behavior and the second is to want to change it.

We cannot grow into our higher selves if we deny those parts of us that are less than honorable. I couldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for my willingness to be honest with me and to look at that dark side and go ok how do I improve it.

I can't erase those things all I can do is forgive myself for them and allow myself to learn from them so I don't repeat the behavior. When I didn't want to face my past or the undesirable things I have done. I was depressed, hurt and angry all the time. I wanted a better life than that so I chose to have it.

Taking that honest look at myself was a bit painful and I had to face some harsh realities about myself. But I also kept in mind that I can change it. I may not be able to control situations around me however I can change the way I accept them. I don't have to be the person I was yesterday.

The highers have been rejoicing with me that I am doing the things I need to for becoming that higher self. I follow the path I asked them to assist me in finding. I'm so grateful that they have. Its not always easy though and there are times I should be thinking of them instead of trying to wallow in my own pity.

Facing those negative things about myself has also helped with the feeling of peace that I have. The calmness that is taking over ever so diligently and necessarily. Letting it all go and Opening myself up. Its a great process.

Things are coming together gently and gracefully and I am so appreciative of that. Keeping my gratitude alive has shown me how to be contempt. Again its just keeping my focus on where I desire to be and not where I was. Looking back is important but its not meant to be something you dwell on. Instead let it be the reminder of why you are going the way you are.

Smile and Keep Positive

98

I'm grateful for the week I have been having. While not a perfect week its been a pleasant one. I am enjoying more peace and allowing life to just happen. Letting go does not mean loosing control it means releasing the thought of control. After all we can only truly control ourselves.

It is a learned process however and some just don't bother to try. I have started this climb with only one intention Getting me at a better place with me. I am accomplishing that. I've lost a lot of things trying to control and it saddens me to think of those I have hurt trying to demand it.

However the sadness I have is in no way negative. Its part of the drive to keep me focused. Knowing I have done things that I wish I had not and hurt people I wish I had not, now is used to encourages me to continue this drive to healing and now serves as another helper. It is teaching me how to not hurt others.

It reminds me to slow down and look at the reality of a situation and not my perceived reality of it. It also helps keep me humble in my thoughts. Helping me to not place myself better than others but only better than I used to be.

I'm heading to the camp today to shut it down for the season. We are supposed to have our first real below freezing snap this weekend so I want to get everything set for it.

Winter reminds us that its time to clean the fields and enjoy what we have. I have been doing this literally with my luggage. Cleaning out that which no longer serves me, Removing that which is not mine, and allowing gratitude to take their place.

In letting things go that do not serve me and are not myne I am taking back control of me. The only thing I can truly control. The process has taught me humility and has helped lighten my heart.

I'm learning to accept that which I have no control over and I am learning to accept the decision's others make. I'm learning to turn my hurt into gratefulness. Grateful that I had the opportunity to learn something. I admit I'm not always grateful especially at the moment of disappointment but I am learning who I am through them. As the process continues I improve as long as I continue to allow it.

Just ever grateful for the opportunities that present themselves to me in this life. I give thanks to the highers who are helping me to see.

97

Sometimes a situation happens to show you where you are. Recently I ran into a situation where I started to become anxious. I was starting to try and control things when it dawned on me. I immediately released it and allowed it to happen.

Six months ago I wouldn't have caught that moment. I'm proud of me for doing so this time and very happy the highers graced me with that moment. Our work is paying off ;)

The election is over and I'm for one am glad I wont have to hear anymore about it. It really doesn't matter who is elected as they are only a face for the public. The real decisions are made by others in the background where they do not want us to focus. If they actually wanted change they wouldn't keep the election as is where its who's the most popular and not the most qualified. :(

Holidays are approaching us quickly and I'm not really looking forward to them. I do appreciate the opportunity to spend time with loved ones however its all the societal and retail bullshit that it has became a major turn off for me. First we need to treat each other with love and respect year around and not just during the holidays.

I really wish we as a nation would just stand up to those who would keep us oppressed. Retail stores don't care if you go broke because of the pressure to buy gifts to show you “Care” They don't care if you can't afford it all they care about is themselves. Business is not in the market to help further humanity. Business is in the market to destroy who ever gets in the way of profit.

Several more states have just passed legal recreational marijuana. Seems that the Federal Government is going to have to do something with its policy on Marijuana with so many states legalizing it and why shouldn't they. Lets face it the taxes alone are worth the price of legalization. Time to take it off the schedule list and allow people to do what they desire to themselves.

Ohio passed a medical marijuana bill a while back however its not so much to allow people the right to a medicine as it was the state trying to control the people. You can only have it in oil form you cannot grow your own and you can still be fired for failing a drug test. WTF. Where in any other place can a person be fired for a prescription? Have we allowed the insurance companies to just completely fuck us while we smile? Does the Government have a right to dictate to the medical community the care they can give?

Ohio basically said that only those who can afford the oils can have access to this medicine the rest of us who cannot are discriminated against because we are poor. Now get back on the opiates like good little sheep and shut the fuck up. Thanks Ohio Government I am glad to know that profit means more to you than humanity.

Anyways enough of that bullshit lol. I sent off to my ex the paperwork to get our divorce. Actually a dissolution but same difference. I sent her a message on facebook and asked her for her mailing address so I could send her the paperwork. She replied and I mailed it yesterday.

This is a big step for me as far as continuing to become a free me. Releasing those things that no longer serve me. I wish Erica the very best. However its best if we just continue to move on.

Still releasing some hurts and pains and sometimes its not as relieving as one would hope. Sometimes it brings up other hurts and pains and its at that moment you have to remember why you are here to begin with. Its a moment that says step back and look at the bigger picture. When we choose to listen and do so we see that we are so much closer to our goal than we thought. A moment to help you see that you have grown.

My journey continues in the certainty of uncertainty. So much has happened the last six months and I have witnessed first hand real miracles. I am so grateful to have that opportunity. Seeing the miracles and appreciating them has opened my eyes to how truly blessed I really am. Thank you all for that gift. I pray you can enjoy it with me :)

96

Took the week off as my body has just been aching. I have been at a very good place lately emotionally. I am feeling that peace I so have been wanting back in my life. So it would figure that my body is going to ache and cause me issues lol.

Oh well such is the price of young stupidity. Did things I knew I probably shouldn't and now the pain is there to remind me. I have received and filled out the paperwork for me to get a dissolution from my ex so that I can continue this trip down freedom lane.

I continue to keep my focus on my healing and I have to say I am so grateful that the highers have been walking with me the whole way. I sat the other day and thought man I have come a long way in a relatively short amount of time. However I still have a ways to go and that's when the thought hit me why am I trying to control my destiny? At first I didn't get what I was thinking but then it dawned on me.

I became focused on how much I feel I have left to change to be the person I desire to be and by doing so I was going to go where my focus was. That would lead to anxiety and then to depression again. It doesn't matter how far I have come or how far I have to go what matters is where I am at now.

I can't change tomorrow for it has not come. I cannot change yesterday for it has already passed. I can only change the now. In order to heal the past I have to do it now and not worry about how much healing has to be done just that its getting done.

When you have spent your life trying to get back a control you feel you lost as a child do to circumstances way beyond your control you tend to feel control is owed to you. I know its not and I can only control one thing, Myself.

I cannot control others or their choices and nor do I wish to anymore. I have allowed that to move away from me as it does not serve me. My mother is an example of why I can no longer try to control the choices of others. While I choose to love her it has to be from a distance and probably with no more contact. I wish her well but cannot allow her to drain me anymore.

Being around an energy vampire just drains so much out of a person. I don't want to have to deal with that kind of drain again. Its literally has taken me years to get to a point where I just had to allow myself to move on.

Now that I am I have no intentions of going back. I just cannot afford it for my own sanity. I've been releasing a lot of things lately and the relaxing feeling I have been getting because of such has me just want to keep going.

Gathering this new peace is allowing me to remove the hatred and anger that was caused by pain. As I heal the wounds the peace settles in deeper and deeper. I have come to acceptance and its not always been a easy thing for me. However at this point in my life there is just no need to not accept things the way they are.

I have hopes, dreams and desires but the only thing that is driving me is my wanting to be better and keeping my focus on staying positive and smiling. Knowing that I will have those things when the time is right and not letting myself try to manipulate an outcome. Better is the unexpected outcome then a determined one.

As each day unfolds itself I gladly am learning to just accept what is. Still letting those things go and keeping my focus on me. Living gratefully instead of hatefully.