36

Still hanging in there and doing good :) I have challenged myself with my morning list. I focus on trying to come up with three things that I haven't said I am grateful for that I am. It was kind of easy at first but now it seems to be getting harder to do :) Since I started waking up and thinking of those things I am grateful for I tend to spread that through out the day as I see or remember other things I should be grateful for. 

Same has been with the positive thing about me. I'm really having to dig deep to find those things that are positive in me. Because again as I go through my day I think of these things and am grateful for them.

I have been actually doing something very geeky lately and that has been cleaning up my /bin folder on my computer. As some of you may know I run Linux Operating Systems and I have built a library of functions and variables that I use quite a bit. Its a huge job actually and I procrastinated against doing it for so long. However it is very satisfying to see everything is working the way it should.

In sad news we lost a living legend Monday. Lemmy Kilmister died of an aggressive cancer. He was 70 years old and Rocked out to the very end. Gone but not forgotten. Peace to you bro and thank you for the wonderful years of music you blessed us with. Long live the Motorhead.

For me the journey still continues. I face myself and forgive myself. I am crawling more and more out of this tarpit trap and keeping myself focused. I do this for me and me only. I do this at my pace. I do this because not living cant be an option. I do this because the war is over. Fighting me was never a good idea for me. 

35

I have been doing very well with keeping up with my list and turning my focus on to more positive things. I've been maintaining some activity to help keep me from focusing on the negative in my life. Its been helpful and inspiring to me.

I had a great day yesterday as I heard from two of the three most precious people in my life. Michele wrote me and I was so glad to hear from her. Then Laura my youngest daughter called me :) 

Christmas is this Friday and I will be glad when its over. Don't get me wrong I'm not a scrooge but just not into the spirit of it. Its been hard to celebrate family holidays when all you can do is focus on the family you no longer have.

Not to say I don't have a good family in my midst now and I am so thankful for them. Just they cannot fill the void I carry. The highers have been working with me on this and I'm doing my best not to be so hardheaded ;)

Waking up every morning and finding three things to be grateful for has helped me understand how blessed I am. While I will admit I don't always see that and that's when I usually take it for granted. I'm also finding that saying something positive about me has really helped me focus on the positive things I have and do.

Its been a crazy year. I have loved and lost and hopefully gained and opportunity to rebuild the best friendship I have ever had. I met an incredible Lady named Lisa and lost that relationship and have no idea if it could be salvaged. 

The only thing I really hope for in this next year is to continue to stay on the course I am currently on. To replace the negativity in me with positivity. Its a process and I'm committed to continuing it. I will have my downfalls but I have to remember who is in charge of my reactions. I am not my emotions. 

Not sure if I'll post before Christmas or not so in case I don't may you and your families have a wonderful holiday and a happy new year. 

34

When I woke up this morning and looked at the time it was 4:20 on the dot. So I got up and obeyed the laws ;) I have been doing very well with staying on top of my list. I have the reminder set for 5am because I'm always up by then anyways.  Most mornings I have already said my Gratitude's and something positive about myself before the reminder goes off. 

I do admit I'm still sad about things that I have yet to let go and find it hard to let things go that I need to. This morning I came to the conclusion that I have to stop trying to force things and allow them to pass as they will. 

My focus at the moment is really only changing my own reactions. I have lived in that tar pit trap for several decades and have even tried coming out of it a few times but never really broke free. This time I am aiming to break free. 

I am setting small goals for myself and for now am being very conscience about doing them. I know its going to get easier as time goes and I will be come a much more pleasant person to myself.

The Highers have been with me each step and I'm so grateful to them for that. As much as I FU the Universe and all its inhabitants I'm glad to know they still care :)

I'm getting more active in a positive way as well. I've been visiting the forums again and helping where I can. And I am doing a decent job of thinking about my writing and keeping the blog going. Its a necessity for me to communicate to myself about whats going on in my head. I just choose to share it. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with life and if I can help inspire just one person to choose to change their lives then its worth the price of sharing ;)

Well the journey continues I hope you continue it with me :) Be blessed by the Highers of your Understanding.  

33

I had a decent weekend. No nothing extraordinary or even exciting happened it was just a normal weekend. However I managed to survive it with out falling into that negative pit I so often find myself in. 

I have managed to wake up and stay on my list. I say my gratitude's and my positive thing about me and I am learning to forgive myself each and every day a little bit more. 

As I learn more of how to forgive myself I find its easier to understand how to let go. I am focusing on doing that. Forgiving me so I can let go and cause no more pain to others and myself. 

I have been praying to the highers to help keep me on this path. I know it has to be my choice and in the end its up to me. However they have been encouraging and that's what I need :)

I am learning to control my expectations of others. I have realized that we all have what seem to us to be reasonable expectations of others yet to those others they are unreasonable. What I am learning is I can not expect anything from anyone. Expectation of someone is telling them you OWE ME. 

Having this information is helping me to understand that no one owes me anything. Nor do I owe anyone anything. You as I have the same right to be who we are and not feel like we are obligated to do that which we don't want to do.

I'm grateful the highers have given me this lesson. I thank you for sticking around. I'm building myself and my faith as the journey continues. 

32

Yesterday I said that I didn't know what to do from here but something has to change and I have to try something. Last night before I went to bed I had the thought of waking up and doing 3 things to help me focus on my day in a more positive light.  I wrote the three things down in my Google Keep on my phone and set a daily reminder for it for in the am about time I wake up. 

The three things on my list are:
1. Say three things I am grateful for
2. Say something positive about myself
3. Forgive myself

This morning I woke up and did these things. While i'm not feeling like a million bucks I do feel better than I have in a while. I know something can change and I am doing my best to change into a better direction for me. Last time I started doing for me but it quickly became for someone else who no longer wishes to speak to me. This time there is no one and honestly doesn't need to be anyone. Sure I do desire someone but for now I just need to focus on me and what it is I truly want.

I have to learn to let things go and move forward and I am focusing on doing just that. I know its not an easy road and I have many obstacles in my way however I really want it this time and I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do. 

I lost faith in other things because I lacked faith in me. I may not have much but with faith a little can go a long way. I trust in me to do what is best for me. I am learning to trust in the highers and am grateful they even bother with me. 

I'm going to close with the ending lyrics of Lateralus by Tool because sometimes we just have to keep going.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.

red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.

lets me see there is so much more

and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.

As below, so above and beyond, I imagine

drawn outside the lines of reason.

Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.

Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.

Reaching out to embrace the random.

Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to, I embrace my desire to

feel the rhythm, to feel connected

enough to step aside and weep like a widow

to feel inspired, to fathom the power,

to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,

to swing on the spiral, to swing on the spiral,

to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself

between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.

I feel it move across my skin.

I'm reaching up and reaching out.

I'm reaching for the random or whatever will bewilder me.

Whatever will bewilder me.

And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.

We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going...

31

Its been a while since I have felt the need to write anything. I have pretty much hit bottom and have no where else to go. I have such emotional outburst that I no longer have control over. They have cost me everything and am tired of loosing. I have no one I talk to on a daily basis anymore and I really miss having that. But with my issues I guess its best I don't have that for a while.

I don't know of my direction anymore and not sure how far I can go but I know I have to change something or everything will be lost. I just feel so helpless, hopeless, faithless and alone. I want so much to see a better me I just have no idea of what that looks like. I'm just going to try and do something. 

I am asking the highers to please help me regain control of my life. I am asking for real guidance from people who care and can handle my bs drama. Can help pull me out of me when I get to deep. I am asking for a fresh source of hope, faith and help. 

I have to keep myself focused on whats important now and I guess I need to reestablish that. If your still around for the journey well it continues….