65

So its been a bit since I have actually done anything socially. We got back from the camp after being there for five days. It was a nice get away for the most part. I have been staying true to the not smoking and now its been a month. :) I'm at the stage now where my lungs are starting to repair themselves. Brad told me the other day my voice is sounding different. Much cleaner and deeper with less horseness.

I'm staying focused on being a better me and not focusing on that I don't want in my life anymore. I am getting myself to a point of where I can accept me as I am. I am slowly learning that its ok to not have control over everything and I'm learning its ok to not always get what you want.

I may end up entirely alone and at this point I'm fine with that. No its not my desire but you know I just don't have any more time for people who don't want me in their life. I keep expecting to much from the wounded.

It's hard to go through life feeling like you are not wanted need or even cared about but you know what I have done so and survived so for nearly 50 years. I'm to tired to fight it anymore and just have to accept that out side of me no one truly wants me.

Its ok. Not really and fuck the lot of you. I wish and desire for the same things as most people and that is to be wanted and feel loved. Well I'm tired of wanting something that apparently isn't going to happen. So fuck it. I'm going to like me and accept me the best I can and just be good enough for myself. No longer can I waste time on those who choose to not want me.

I never felt worthy of this world and honestly still don't. I have a hatred for life as pure as sunshine and its not improving.

Over all the past month hasn't been that bad its just been another month of me wishing for that which doesn't happen so no fucking more.

Maybe not the most positive post but I am not completely sure how I feel. I think I'm to fucking nice. Never wanting to see others hurt yet I suffer.