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Letting go of the only one I truly wanted in this life has been a difficult challenge. I often find myself thinking of her and just hoping she is doing well. As I look toward my future I still see the great things that are to come. I just wish some would hurry a bit more as I am feeling jaded in my life.

I have been trying to figure out what I do want. I really don't know. I want to be selfish and giving at the same time. To love and hate at the same time. All these emotions chaotically running in my head.

It has been a real struggle to keep positive and to continually view the good things in me. Ever since I was dumped off as a kid I always felt there had to be something wrong with me. I took on others garbage and never learned how to let go. I am learning that painful lesson now.

It hurts when your told you are not wanted in someones life. Especially when the sun rises and sets on them. Moving on is what I have been doing though. Figuring out the direction of my life is proven to be difficult as things have rarely worked out the way I think they should. But again its what I think and well I am not sure my thinking is proper.

I often wonder if I really am delusional. I would rather be in fantasy land than in reality. Have I been there so long the lines have now blurred? How come I think I am the greatest thing since God and the rest of you don't? Oh what is my sight showing me?

I give it to the highers it never was in my control to begin with. Nothing has ever truly been in my control and I am accepting that. I carry on another day.