64

Its been a very instersting week. Saturday I officially quit smoking. I have successfully passed my first week. I have surrendered a lot this week. Situations I used to think were life and death now are just whatever. I am happy and content with what I have and why I am.

I am taking it day by day and only worring about me and what I want for me right now. I have a different energy right now and I am enjoying it. I continue to thank the highers for your guidance and gifts.

I have me and that is all that matters. I have others as well and I am thankful for them. I also have refocused myself and am doing what is needing to be done for me. No longer can I give others control over what I should be doing for me anyways.

The only way to truly fly is to admit you don't have wings and get an airline ticket like everyone else does. You see i'm only doing this well because I decided a while back I have to be completely honest with what I see and find with me and about me. I am now accepting these things and embracing me for all of me.

I go forward with a hope not of others but only of myself and that hope is to never forget what I have to be so grateful for. Nothing else matters.

As I continue this journey and explore worlds that I have never known before I welcome the freshness of life that has been extended to me. Not the amount of time,even though that is possible as well, but the reviving perception of what its all about.

The last time I quit smoking cigarettes I stoped for 4 and a half years. This time I hope that I will not pick them up again. I'll stick to the good stuff ;) The only failure is failure to put forth an effort. Everything else is a lesson to be enjoyed.

63

Been a bit busy this week. Brad and I have been discussing ways to setup and reorganize the garage and well I did that this week. I was sitting there and said yeah fuck it lets see what this will look like and then well next thing you know the whole garage has been rearranged lol.

The worse part about it is I am completely dead now lol. The aches and pains are reminding me that I don't need to be taking on that kind of big projects on my own. But my pride and stubbornness say Dude you got this. Yeah for the moment and the moment is gone.

I have an appointment next week with Ohio Vocational Rehab its just an intake so I'll be there mostly just filling out paper work but its the motion that counts ;) I have also done what was needed for my appeal for my disability and am just doing what I need to for me.

Letting go is still a struggle. Hope wants me to hang on and reality dictates that I move on. But moving on is what is warranted and that is what I am doing. May her life be a blessing to her and others.

I've been surrounded by Angels lately and while I am extremely grateful for them I am a bit nervous as well. Its like ok what the hell is about to happen? And most importantly will I like it?

I'm glad they are here though as my soul really needs a good healing.

62

When we last heard from our hero LMAO Life was just going. It still kinda is but I have some things in progress which will hopefully help me in my goals. I have given up on coming up with things I am passionate about as I really don't know so We scaled it back to things I like. That is a simpler list to do lol.

At the moment I am on my own and well its not that bad. Yes I would love to have someone I can connect with however I am just happy to be alive and have opportunity. I have a bit to do this week for me.

Getting out is something my Therapist and I have set as a goal for me. To get involved in something to meet people. I plan on getting with voc rehab and see if they can help me. I also am looking into some volunteer stuff as that is a good way to meet others as well.

I'm anxious about it to some degree and hopeful on another. Letting go of expectations of others is hard as well. We all get in the trap where we know someone and so we start to expect certain things from them as we should be able to however they are not obligated to do so. Another hard lesson to learn :(

Its all good though. As long as I understand I am human I can keep my humanity. The best thing about the last 3 years is that I really have started to learn who I am. I have also started to learn who I desire to be. I am so thankful for all the lessons and pray I can continue to do so.

I owe it to me to just make me happy with me. I'm learning to do so more and more each day. Gratitude has led the way ;) I have started to learn to not focus so much on where you want to be and focus more on what is now. I still have those moments but they are easier to handle here lately.

I did hear from Social Security they of course denied me. I expected it though as they pretty much deny everyone the first go. It was funny though they agree that my mental limitations are there however they think my physical isn't as bad. They told me to look for a job with limited physical expectations. So you agree I am disabled both physically and mentally yet you deny me. Oh well the appeal has already been made.

Removing negative things from my life means replacing it with something positive or the empty areas will just fill up with negativity again. I have entered an unknown time in my life. I can either make the best of it or not. Its my choice. I thank the highers for giving me such a choice. I ask them to continue to walk with me as I metamorphosize into the life I deserve. I deserve great things and great things is what I will get. Looking forward to some dreams coming true ;) 

61

Letting go of the only one I truly wanted in this life has been a difficult challenge. I often find myself thinking of her and just hoping she is doing well. As I look toward my future I still see the great things that are to come. I just wish some would hurry a bit more as I am feeling jaded in my life.

I have been trying to figure out what I do want. I really don't know. I want to be selfish and giving at the same time. To love and hate at the same time. All these emotions chaotically running in my head.

It has been a real struggle to keep positive and to continually view the good things in me. Ever since I was dumped off as a kid I always felt there had to be something wrong with me. I took on others garbage and never learned how to let go. I am learning that painful lesson now.

It hurts when your told you are not wanted in someones life. Especially when the sun rises and sets on them. Moving on is what I have been doing though. Figuring out the direction of my life is proven to be difficult as things have rarely worked out the way I think they should. But again its what I think and well I am not sure my thinking is proper.

I often wonder if I really am delusional. I would rather be in fantasy land than in reality. Have I been there so long the lines have now blurred? How come I think I am the greatest thing since God and the rest of you don't? Oh what is my sight showing me?

I give it to the highers it never was in my control to begin with. Nothing has ever truly been in my control and I am accepting that. I carry on another day.  

60

My Therapist canceled our appointment today do to illness. I do pray she gets to feeling better soon. I am not upset about it I mean it is what it is and honestly I am doing fairly well.

It was the end of the world but I feel fine. I'm doing my best to move forward I have recently come up with a few ideas and am ready to start investigating and exploring what it is I seek.

I was asked to list things I am passionate about and after a week of thinking about it I really don't know. Yes there are things I enjoy doing but I don't know if I am really passionate about them. But I'm sure there are things I am I just can't see them because of the tree's lol

I am so grateful for every opportunity I have to advance myself. I may not appreciate all of them at the moment of happening but in the bigger picture I am so grateful for them. Truly the only real negativity in life is that which we create.

While its simple to say and even simple to agree with as we know not all is what it seems ;) I have been learning to be more grateful for just me. Not for anything other than realizing and remembering my own self worth.

They say it is better to have loved than not at all. I agree on the basis that it shows me I have love to give :) So giving it to me shouldn't be to difficult right? Lol

It is part of my journey and not a destination. Life is movement and I have to continue to move. I choose to do so strictly for me. Each day I must make that choice and each day I must live it.

I am deserving of that which I desire. I will get that which I desire. I will appreciate that which I desire and I will be appreciated. If only with myself then so be it.

I would very much enjoy being able to communicate with someone in a way that I felt completely safe and they felt the same. However I will have to be patient for it. I know it will come and I welcome it.

The struggle continues with gladness in my heart. May love touch you. Thank you my highers for loving me and teaching me. Let it continue gently and graciously and help me to accept the lessons that way. Be gentle with my tender heart.

I thank those of you who chose to read this and even follow it. You have no idea how much you are helping me. May love touch you all :)