55

So this has been one very frustrating week for me so far. This week has been filled with Murphy's law. If it could go wrong it very much did. It seems to have all started on Monday. The worst moment on Monday was when I smashed my damn phone being a klutz and not paying attention to where I was going. So goodbye phone.

Then I had a doctors appointment I missed because I couldn't find a place to park. I spent over 20 minutes driving around downtown Lancaster looking to park the truck for this appointment. I ended up illegally parking for about 3 minutes to go tell them to fuck themselves basically. Oh I was so fucking mad and still am actually.

I don't know it seems like every time I try to lift my head there is always something smashing it back into the ground. I am getting to old and to jaded with this life for this to continue. I do swear though had I been carrying a gun with me then I would have killed a few this week for sure.

Doing everything I can to stay positive in this whirlwind of negativity. Its not easy and honestly I feel like throwing my hands toward the sky and just say fuck it all. But that isn't who I desire to be. I don't want to give up I just want to be able to handle the bullshit in a way that doesn't make me feel like I am the fucking problem.

But maybe I am. Seems I am the common denominator. Growing up not being wanted could have been because I am the problem. I just don't know. At the moment I am just doing the best I can to keep from drowning.

Nobody's fault but mine. I do know this rather there is a reincarnation or not I definitely don't want to ever come back and do life again. All I see is pain. The darkness that threatens to snuff out the light. The only flicker left seems to be a false hope for something that may never be. It is what it is though.

Not sure what lesson I am to learn from this week but I do know that its only really served to hurt me more than help. So many times this week I have just wanted to say fuck it and end the bullshit. And rather its a false hope or not its the only one I have and I have to see it through no matter how fucking painful it could end.