59

I'm a little upset this morning. The other day I made a post on my facebook and a supposed to be friend of myne replied to it. I replied back and had a typo I instead of typing life I typed lie. So this person thought I called them a Liar. When I tried to explain it was a typo they took it even further. WTF I seriously don't need this kind of shit in my life right now.

I'm not perfect nor will I ever be however I do give others the benefit of the doubt and the fact that she hasn't tells me she has some issues of her own to deal with. Normally my first response to something so stupid as this would be to eliminate the friendship. Again though I am trying to improve myself and not repeat the same things over and over.

I have no time for those who's drama spills over into my life. I have my own drama I am working on removing. I am being unfairly judged by someone and that pisses me off. I'm so tired of people not getting it and then being mad at me for not getting it. Fuck you.

I do hope this person starts getting more help because apparently she needs it however I will not tolerate anymore bullshit from people who can't be understanding.

58

Yesterday was a bit rough for me as I had to deal with the answer that I didn't want to have to deal with. I gave the highers the day off and sulked. Today I decided to continue to move forward. It has been decent today.

I may have gotten an answer I didn't want to have but maybe it was time to get it. I will always be thankful and grateful for my time I shared with her. I wish her only the very best life has to offer.

Still trying to see the value in me and I know its there. One step forward two steps back but hey I'm moving. Now I go forward again. I will never loose as long as I continue to do my best.

I have to start thinking about things I am passionate about and I really don't know. I mean there are some things I enjoy but I don't know if I have a real passion for anything. Guess its time I explore.

I still am working on the loving me and a wise woman told me to just start with liking me and work from there. Again I have no clue as to where I am heading but I am heading there. I know what I desire and while I may not have those yet I know I will get them.

Dealing with my issues is a task and sometimes we just need that one day. When I woke up today I didn't hate life. I did yesterday but not today. I was grateful to be and its paid off. Moving forward is a very hard thing to do but a very necessary thing if I am going to be a better me.

I believe in me. While I may not know how or when or why I do know that for 46 years I have made it. So maybe I don't need the answers right now. Just need to have faith.

Its hard to believe in myself from all the years of not wanting my own self. Now I am learning to want me. I am not perfect nor will I ever be but I am real and I am determined to not give up.

Things have never come easy to me but it does help to appreciate them more. Still am learning to be grateful for everything. Now to just keep plugging at it.

57

Today closes a certain chapter of my life. There is a situation I have been waiting to find out about and well today marks the day that my life is going to go one direction or another.

Until somethings end others can't begin. I'm sad, lost and very alone at the moment. I know all the right things but feel all the wrong feelings. I try so hard to go so far and it seems like in the end it doesn't even matter.

I've been working on finding value in myself and its been a struggle. Each day has its own issues. I'm just trying to keep my head up.

Nothing worse than feeling completely alone and totally misunderstood. You don't see me at all. I at the moment am doing everything I can to just believe in a foolish miracle.

56

Its been a blah kind of week. Not good not bad just there. I am still working on things and doing the best I can with each moment I have. I am learning to move forward in the directions I need to go for myself.

I am making the best of what I can with what I have. I have still been trying to understand my disorders and correct things where I need to. Its a slow process but its steady and consistent.

I have one situation in my life that is in limbo and I am just praying for the best outcome. I know where my heart desires but sometimes its not up to us. Allowing someone or something else control over what we want can be very disruptive for those of us who are control freaks.

Learning to let go is painful. Sometimes you have to let go of that most dear to you and you just cant imagine life with out it. I'm in that state now and I guess maybe thats why I am so blah. Last week was my week of anger and this week I guess is the beginning of acceptance.

I know this is short but not much else to say for now. I just continue.

55

So this has been one very frustrating week for me so far. This week has been filled with Murphy's law. If it could go wrong it very much did. It seems to have all started on Monday. The worst moment on Monday was when I smashed my damn phone being a klutz and not paying attention to where I was going. So goodbye phone.

Then I had a doctors appointment I missed because I couldn't find a place to park. I spent over 20 minutes driving around downtown Lancaster looking to park the truck for this appointment. I ended up illegally parking for about 3 minutes to go tell them to fuck themselves basically. Oh I was so fucking mad and still am actually.

I don't know it seems like every time I try to lift my head there is always something smashing it back into the ground. I am getting to old and to jaded with this life for this to continue. I do swear though had I been carrying a gun with me then I would have killed a few this week for sure.

Doing everything I can to stay positive in this whirlwind of negativity. Its not easy and honestly I feel like throwing my hands toward the sky and just say fuck it all. But that isn't who I desire to be. I don't want to give up I just want to be able to handle the bullshit in a way that doesn't make me feel like I am the fucking problem.

But maybe I am. Seems I am the common denominator. Growing up not being wanted could have been because I am the problem. I just don't know. At the moment I am just doing the best I can to keep from drowning.

Nobody's fault but mine. I do know this rather there is a reincarnation or not I definitely don't want to ever come back and do life again. All I see is pain. The darkness that threatens to snuff out the light. The only flicker left seems to be a false hope for something that may never be. It is what it is though.

Not sure what lesson I am to learn from this week but I do know that its only really served to hurt me more than help. So many times this week I have just wanted to say fuck it and end the bullshit. And rather its a false hope or not its the only one I have and I have to see it through no matter how fucking painful it could end.

54

I had a decent session with my therapist yesterday. I got some stuff out about a situation I have been dealing with and we have started working on some of my core thoughts and feelings.

I am still working on becoming more active in my own treatment. I still am keeping up my gratitude's but I do have to start keeping them written down. I normally just say them as I go through the day but I really need to get more interactive with it.

I'm going to start putting together the stuff for my book this week and get the foreword written and have the basic outline done for how I want it to go. I also said that I was going to become more active here and I am working on doing that as well.

I have made some very positive changes in my thinking lately and I have been keeping myself going. Not every moment is a good one but every moment does give us and opportunity.

My current opportunity is to learn how to love myself by not being so down on me. I have to be able to look at the value I do have and my gratitude's do that for me. Which is why I need to start writing them down so I have the physical to look at when I am not thinking the way I need to be.

I am moving from awareness to engagement. I am becoming active in my role to change my life. I desire to do things and I am going to start doing them. I can no longer keep holding myself back. I deserve to move forward and become him I choose to be.

I have to make some sacrifices and I am doing everything I can to make those. I already offered up a great one. But there are more that I have to give up. I'm still working on the smoking and keeping myself with more water than soda. I'm about to be alone for a little over a week so its really the best time for me to put the cigarettes away. No one will be around to have to deal with my crankiness lol.

I am taking my life in the direction I feel it needs to go for me. I can't do anything but that. I can only live for me. Which is the actual first step of loving me is accepting me and my choices.

I am grateful to the highers that continue to show me how to grow. I am grateful to those around me who continue to exert love. I am grateful to me for wanting to become a better me.

Look at situations as opportunity's and not problems. I'm in process of doing just that. Giving up is only an option when you stop breathing. So until that moment we just have to keep going ;)

53

Its been a bit of a difficult week for me. I had a small issue that kept me down for a couple of days. I've spent the rest of the week seriously trying to determine what I need to do about a certain situation. Its one of the hardest choices I have to make and its either going to be the best decision I have made or the worst. I have been praying to my highers asking for their guidance and support. I can feel them with me.

I'm doing my best to stay focused on where I desire to be. I am keeping up my gratitude's the best I can and I am still replacing the negative with positive. I know what I desire in my life and where I want it to go however that may not be the path I end up on. As they guide me and I start to understand I clear my perspective even more and see more of what I desire that I never new existed.

Life is change. Its a constant movement. Life doesn't sit still. When it does its no longer life but death. I'm tired of being pushed by the current and I am now moving in a direction that is more suitable to my wants and desires. As my life changes so do my needs.

Its ok to have those bad moments if we allow ourselves to learn what it is we must learn from it. What I have learned from my last one has really been weighing heavy on me this week. Its my desire to do what is right for everyone and I'm not always sure of what that is. Hell is it even up to me to determine what is right for someone else? So in the end the choice I have to make has to be the right one for me regardless of how it affects others. Its time for me to fly.

The weak moments only show us where we need to exercise our strength and continue to build ourselves up. I still haven't figured out how to completely change some of the negative I mean I know what to do its just remembering to do it when your in that down state. I may struggle but I continue.