30

I couldn't feel more lost and alone as I do at this moment. I feel that I have nothing to look forward to anymore and that life is just kicking the shit out of me while I'm down. I have tried so hard and have had such good intentions but nothing seems to work out.

I feel I'm such a burden to people anymore. I can't seem to do anything right at this point. Every move I make is the wrong one. I had such hopes and dreams and now all I have is emptiness. I'm not even sure of what to say anymore. I've lost two people this year that mean the world to me and I don't mean anything to them now.

I really fucked it up this time and there is no fixing it. I have no direction to go anymore and I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what this means for me. I'm not sure I am strong enough to survive this. I have no one to help me figure things out because I get so fucking emotional I ruin everything. I just give up trying anymore. All this life is going to give me is pain.  

29

Life has its ups and downs and we get caught in a tangled mess. Some of us are good at figuring things out and can move forward with little effort at all while others of us crack under the pressure. 

I do the best I can do and I always try to be as honest and real as I can. Why because that is who I am. Yes I say things and do things that I later regret but if I didn't how would I learn. I make a lot of mistakes. I react before I think and it comes back to bite me in the ass.

When I grew up and was in Youth Estates we were taught to get our our feelings however we need to. What we were not taught was an appropriate way to do so. I mean we were in the woods so cussing and bitching to get out our bundle of emotions was perfectly acceptable. Now I get judged for it.

I do realize I have a lot of changes to make in my life and I am doing everything the best way I know how to make these changes but its all trial and error. I've always been a loner I have had less than 10 actual relationships in my life and don't always know the best way to handle situations.

I speak my mind and it seems most of the time its inappropriate or at the very least I'm just very misunderstood. Kind of reminds me of the old song Please don't let me be misunderstood. 

As I have stated numerous times this is a journey and I am going through it the best I can. I have only a couple of people who even care enough to help guide me when I'm wrong and I have a ton of people who judge me when I'm wrong.

I'm trying not to be judgmental back but it is hard when you have been so hurt. I don't even know why I allow it to bother me so much but I guess the conditioning that I have gone through has me this way. 

Something I have to keep in mind is I don't understand others pain so I can't judge them for having it and reacting the way they do. We all react the way we feel we need to and if that bothers someone then they need to look deeper inside and find compassion for others. 

I'm sorry I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I've always lived my life just wanting to be accepted. I do the best I can to make myself acceptable but I guess its not good enough for most. 

I'm sorry if I hurt you in the midst of my own pain. I'm just trying to live this life the best I can with little damage to others.

28

I was at the camp last night by myself and had some time to think about a lot of things. I've spent a great deal of my life wanting someone to love me and it was this morning that I realized that is not the case. I have people that Love me and even care for me what I don't have is someone who wants me. 

Let me explain. By the time I was seven I was in a foster home. I was placed there during my parents divorce. After the divorce I stayed with my Grandparents on my Dads side for a bit before going into my first boys home at age 8. I was then transferred back to my dad for a bit before my second boys home. I left that home and went into a foster home and then to another foster home before I went back to my dads who eventually through me out for having pot. He only was concerned with protecting his job and his retirement. He didn't care why I was smoking pot because he really didn't want me.

As I look back I see it isn't love that was lacking it was just being wanted. People say you have to love yourself before others can love you and I do love me I mean I am still here I did not kill myself years ago like I wanted to why because I love me. I take care of me and do the best I can by me. Yes there is room for improvement but we all have that. Just understanding the knowledge that I do love me and have always loved me left me with the revelation that because no one else wanted me I haven't wanted me.

I don't know how to want me. My parents didn't want me. My grandparents didn't seem to want me. No one else in my family wanted me. My aunt Kim died when I was about 13 and her two daughters were eventually adopted by my aunt Eileen. While I am grateful that the two girls were wanted by my family I am also sad that none of them wanted me. When ever I have visited any of my family I have always just felt like I was a guest and never family. The boys homes and foster homes really didn't want me and the cycle continued. I never really had anyone who actually just wanted me. My wife didn't want me and numerous of other lady's didn't want me. The rejection I have carried all these years has nothing to do with love and everything to do with wanting me.

I recently went through a breakup and I thought it was because I am just not lovable but that is not the case. I just am not wanted. I don't know how to want me. I never learned but yet everyone in my life past and present seem to think I should know. I grew up in the woods and was taken out however the woods were not taken out of me. You see I grew up not being wanted by the entire society. No one cared what happened to us we were just troubled youth. 

The only people who ever made me feel wanted only wanted something from me and not me. My wife didn't want me she wanted the title wife and a sucker to pay for her shit. I think now maybe she was right Maybe I am just a stupid moronic idiot. 

People are very good at telling me what I need but they suck at showing me and helping me to understand what I need. I have had people give me things to listen to and to read however with out the basic understanding of what I am suppose to learn its like looking at Chinese and trying to figure it out when I don't know Chinese.

The best way I learn is hands on. Having someone go through the difficult task to show me and help me understand so that I can do it. That is what I lack. I lack someone willing to show me those things I don't understand like how to want me.  

Someone told me I choose this life BULLFUCKINGSHIT. I do not believe I choose anything. I don't believe we chose our lives before we come here. I do not believe in Angels or any other higher form of being. Life has taught me that there is no one out there routing for me. 

They tell me have faith and hope well let me tell you what faith and hope have done for me. NOT ONE FUCKING THING. I have no more faith and I have no more hope in anything. I desire to have them but life has taught me they don't exist for me.

I am a priority for none. I wish to be however do not know how to be. Even if someone did want me I wouldn't have a fucking clue as to what that looks like. 

So instead of judging me I would only ask that you try to understand my perspective. If you wish for me to understand yours then fucking teach me how to see it and don't just expect that I can. I am not that smart. 

27

When ever we try to label things and know where a certain thing fits in our lives we are doing several negative things. First we are so worried about the label we forget about the object. We no longer look at it as a gift but now look at is as something to define. When we do this we are telling the universe we must have control do to the fact we don't trust you. All labels come from judgment. When we are judging we are not loving. 

I've had a few bad weeks lately and the pressure has become to much. I have been focusing on just loving me and allowing others to do as they will but I still can't let go. I can only see the rejection I have yet suffered again which only reaffirms the negative base of my thinking that I have not had enough time to replace. 

We all want what we want and that is just the way life is. Conflict is always bound to happen when we live this attitude. When we deny the chance to share our gifts with others even at a great personal cost we deny ourselves. Then we justify to ourselves to make us feel better about us.

We see yet do not understand. We hear but yet not listen. I'm sick of it. No way is right and no way is wrong. We created right and wrong to measure ourselves according to what we have been taught to think. We kill ourselves over an idea presented in a book. We claim love yet avoid it at all cost.

Someone told me to love me then others will. This is true but here is my question. How are you to love you when you don't even know what it is because you have had no honest example to be guided by? Was it love that put me in foster/Boys homes? Was it love that beat me and called me worthless? If that is what love is you can fucking keep it. 

I know not what is going to happen to me or with me and I don't know that I care anymore. Seems like ever since I have had my first cognitive thought the outside has been trying to shut me down maybe its time I let it.

26

The past few months have really taught me a lot. Its taught me that I don't fucking matter. No matter how hard I try I am just not what people want. Now I don't care to want me either. All life is fucked and I am tired of being in it. No matter how hard I have tried to get this far in the end it really doesn't matter. Lisa and I broke up a couple of weeks ago and she still wants to be friends but honestly I don't want a friend I want a lover and since I can never get what I want I plan on taking my toys burning them and leaving this fucking wasted life. I want the highers to destroy my soul as its not worth keeping anyways.

I know you don't care nor should you care. I'm just a waste of good fucking breathing air and I will do my best to not take up to much more of your precious air.