24

We have all experienced the unfortunate feeling of pain. It is something we learn at a very young age to not appreciate. It hurts and we just don't like it. However pain is a necessary evil in this world of growth. 

In actuality pain is nothing more than a growing marker. With out it we can't measure how we are growing. We shut ourselves down in order to avoid feeling any more pain. The primordial instinct of self preservation. What we fail to realize is that opening ourselves to allow others to help us heal our wounds promotes us in our own personal growth. 

Life comes with no assurances and no one can really give you any. We all take a gamble when it comes to matters of the heart, finances and passions. We hope for an outcome like seeing if the dice will land on seven. Its this lifestyle we have learned to live that has kept us in our fear. Drowning out our hope for betterment. 

We tell ourselves we are not good enough or they are to good for me. We pour the ladle of fear over ourselves like we are basking a roast. We make the same choices and expect different results. Sometimes the choices isn't the wrong one sometimes its not the choice just how you act with it. 

Change is painful. It requires that we come out of our turtle shell and allow others to see who we are. It means allowing someone else control over certain functions of our lives. We fear not being in control. We fear someone else having the wheel and taking us where they think we should go. We focus on the result instead of the scenery of the journey. 

My Dad lived his entire life for a result. He now is living the result. Now what? For him in his mind this is it, this is the result of his journey. I think as long as we have breath we are still on the journey and not living for a result. 

Life is going to take me where it decides to take me. I have no control over that. I just have the freewill to make the best choices for me along the way. My desire is to grow into a man who lives with joy and removes the misery out of his life. It is a process and it will take me a lifetime to do so but so what. I'm on a journey and there is beauty out there just waiting to be enjoyed. 

I can choose each moment. Time has no meaning. I'm in no hurry to get to a finish line. I will accept those who choose to join me and I will respect those who do not. Your choices are for you not for me. 

It would be very easy at this point to go back to where I was only just a month ago. Feeling sorry for myself and cussing the Gods for such a shitty life. Not because of anything they had done but because of my own selfish choices that kept me engulfed in my fear. My choice and I cuss them they must really love me. I can only accept responsibility for me and my choices. You have to accept them for your own. We have to stop looking down on those who don't make the same choices we made just because they are not fitting to us. Each has to make their own way and take what applies to them as they go along the way. 

I have some hopes and dreams I believe will be. I am preparing myself to accept those things that I believe I will receive. Does it scare me yes. I'm terrified actually, however I'm choosing to not live in fear and have it dictate my life anymore. Its just a part of growing up. 

23

Things have been very good the last few weeks for me on the overall average. While not everything in my life is going the way I would like there are things that are. Instead of focusing on those things that are not going the way I prefer I am being grateful for the things that are. 

I have been given a great gift by the highers the gift of their patience and love. No I'm not the only one who has been given this gift we all have. I am starting to let go of some of the bigger things that have been holding me back. I am learning to stand on my own and not feel I need to depend on others. I am being who it is I desire to be. A man of love. 

My journey has been preparing me to accept myself and I'm learning to do that more and more. As I let go of those things that have been holding me down I realize that it gets easier and easier. 

Now that doesn't mean it's a cake walk either. I still have my moments of doubt and pain like the rest of humanity. However I am starting to consciously think about the core thought. I still have lots of fear in me. I have a lot of years of negativity to remove from my life. Yet non of that really matters. 

I am moving forward not trying to run a race just taking a scenic walk. I'm stopping along the trails and even getting off them at times to see a view of something I wish to see. My life is blessed with the perspective of beauty. Again the highers have smiled upon me.

Communication is my gift. I share my gift. I hope that others become inspired by the gift. I love happy people. Seeing the smiles and joy of others shine. I get inspired when I see others share their gifts. Its what we are here to do.

Encourage each other and yourselves daily. Give thanks and share your blessings. Let go of control and hang on to the thrill. Let the energy around you bless those that it touches in ways you can never fully understand. 

22

Many times we make the mistake of judgment. We have ingrained ourselves so much into our core root of fear based thinking that we have shut out the very things that make us human. Does that sound kinda familiar? Its the same if your hooked on a drug or money or what ever vice you have. Fear has become a vice for us. We live our lives getting our daily fix of fear.

We fear loss. We fear we are not good enough. We fear we don't have enough. All  this has blinded us from our true selves. Fear has become our drug and we need our fix daily. We must learn to break this cycle and learn to focus on the love that the highers have always intended for us to be.

We cannot give what we don't have. If you want love be love if you want wealth be wealth if you want conciseness then be conscience. We focus to much on what we don't have instead of what we do. We do not encourage one another any more only point out their faults and mistakes.

We do not praise each other because we do not praise ourselves. Religious leaders always say have faith in God I say if you have no faith in yourself how then can you give that to God?  Again if we don't have it we can't give it. We must learn to listen again instead of hurry up and die.

Break these walls of fear that chain us into the slavery of its birth. Allow us to be free to love as we are designed to. Make the hard choice to be different and follow the lesser known path. Remain true to self. Not just a part of yourself but your entire being. Mind, body and soul. As we aligned them we start to understand that they are all one and when we have them fully aligned they will transform into that one loving being of existence. The true immortal you.

Go each day with confidence that everything is designed to help improve you. Be grateful for the shaping and the pain that comes with it. Your still bein sculpted its supposed to be this way. The highers always have our back and will give us what we need when we need it if we will just listen and accept it.

We base so much of our society on the wrong things and remove the very core of our true being. We have basked in the victory of our hallucinogenic vision of glory. Thinking what we have done to the earth is a good thing. Allowing so much separation between us all that we forgotten we are all one.

Everything is corrupted with fear in our society. The religious leaders have raised us for century's based on that very concept of fear. The bible is filled with fears but not Gods fears. No the bible is filled with fears of man. A book started by people who were slaves and found themselves free. Written at a time when their fear of the unknown was at its peak. God gave us all the gift of freewill. But he did more than that he also gave us the gift of intelligence. The freedom to think for ourselves. So we can decide what is best for us. The only people who know that are you and the highers. Your level of understanding is different than mine. The highers is even more different than ours.

Understanding your freewill gives you great freedom in knowing that you can have the will to no longer live a fear based life. You can either choose to allow you to define you or circumstances to define you.

When you define you then joy will settle in and you will have all you have ever desired.

21

This last week has been one hell of a roller coaster. I've been up, down, twisted and sideways. The energies have been so high and the emotions are stirring up so many vibrations my brain has been in over load.

So many times we focus on something with the wrong reason. We think we are supposed to look back and remember the pain but forget that its that very pain that has forever changed us. Depressives like myself internalize everything. We have a very hard time reaching out and trusting people. 

For months I focused on the pain of my loss of Michele. I was looking only at what I no longer had and not at what she had so graciously given me. As I started looking at those wonderful gifts I at first felt shame for my behavior towards her now I just feel blessed. Looking at those gifts made me realize that I don't have to live my life in fear. I'm not obligated to do so and neither are you.

We pour so much great energies into the wrong things and wonder why we feel drained. Its the overload affect. The vibrations are so strong that it makes everything chaotic but beautiful. If I had poured my energy into the right things sooner maybe things would have been different. But that is one of those things that in the end it is what it is. I have it now and I'm running with it.

Where the road goes no body knows ;) That's the beauty of life. We are supposed to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Yes sometimes not having control can be scary but lets face it we don't have it anyways.

The only thing I can truly control is my response to something other than that its not in my hands. For so many years I have responded wrong. I hated because I lived in fear. I'm not good enough. Why is the world against me. Why am I so undeserving. All these stupid negative questions instead of asking the most important one. Why am I not loving myself? 

When you look at the question from an internal view instead of an external one you start to realize you haven't been honoring your true self. I hurt people because of my selfishness and living a fear based life. Michele always was showing me who I really am and the best way I know to honor her is to be the person she knew me to be and better. 

Where this life is taking me is unknown nor cared about. I realize and understand I'm going to make more mistakes. I'm going to suffer other pain. However I know that they are all helping me to become the man Michele saw and the one Lisa see's. After all becoming truer to ourselves is why we are here. 

20

This past weekend was just amazing. Lisa and I stayed at the camp Friday night and it was such a perfect evening. I am still in the clouds and loving every minute of it. I am just so grateful.

As my life takes this path and I continue on my journey I'm beginning to understand more of where my path is. I'm finally choosing to accept it. I came to the great revelation in my own life the other day when I realized that my biggest fear was not rejection like I had so claimed but something for me that is even scarier it was acceptance. I have a difficult time allowing myself to be accepted. I've already survived mass rejection. 

The reason for this is basic and simple. Because of my early rejection from my parents I felt that there had to be something wrong with me. I lived as there was something wrong with me. It made it easier to keep justifying my own stinking thinking. I kept focusing in on the fear and didn't allow myself to live. I suffocated so much of my living in fear. 

Choosing to replace fear with love is a difficult decision. It takes strength to reprogram yourself. It takes discipline, love, understanding, and patience. I have chosen to live my life and not be a slave to fear. I'm learning to let go and move forward allowing fate to be what fate will be. I'm only here for the ride ;)

Living in love means we must realize that we are not following the norm. As people of love we must share the blessing of love that has been so graciously given to us. We must not allow old beliefs to deter us from living the life we were meant to live. Anything that keeps us in fear should be removed from our lives.

Letting go can be difficult but it is so rewarding. When you finally learn to honor others instead of trying to control them. We must realize we all have freewill and each must make their own choices and walk their own path. We must allow each other to live in peace. We can only do this by surrendering to love. 

The highers have so much guidance to give and wish for us to listen. They want us to have a beautiful life. We must remember who we really are. We are all just wanting to do for our families and be who we wish to be. They wish to help us accomplish this. 

They do this by showing us how to live a life of love and not fear. How to open up and release the negative energies that hold us back. They do not force themselves upon us. Rather you call them highers or God or whatever you see them as, they have given you the gift of freewill. They gave you this gift because they chose not to be rulers of you. But allow you to choose for yourself. 

Mankind has been stripping away at our freewill for century's. Using a corrupt image of the highers to justify keeping us living in fear. They want to keep us in fear so they can continue the rule. Convincing us that we can own something and we can have power over others.

How much more separation are we going to allow them to put upon us. I see it very much as gladiators fighting in the ring while the controllers sit and laugh. Basking in the glory of their amusement. We blindly allow them to continue the slaughter.

Why would any living loving God want us to live in fear? Answer he, she or they do not. We chose this by allowing ourselves an excuse to not think for ourselves. Its easier just to take someones word for it and accept that as truth. Why not everyone else seems to believe it. However through out history everyone else has believed something that turned out to be wrong.

I am no longer going to be a sheep. I cannot follow the fearful way of this life. I must be love. Shepard's lead sheep to the pastors and watch out for predators as the sheep graze. I'm not a Shepard either. I simply cannot save you from yourself. No one can. I have a hard enough time just keeping myself in love with myself. 

We all do something self destructive when we live our lives based on the root thoughts of fear. Until we are willing to truly change we will only keep digging the hole that they will bury us in.

When choosing to live a life with out fear you will find that your energies are becoming a bit chaotic. Not negative but juiced up if you will. Its the process of letting go that has charged your energies no longer are you bound by the chains that have been burdened on you. 

I have freewill and I chose to live free. I'm choosing to remove the chains that hold me back from the life I should be living. No longer will I allow myself to be beaten and put down for the amusement of others. I stand in love and walk the path that has been laid before me. 

With love I thank the

19

The past couple of weeks things have really started to turn around for me. As I briefly mentioned earlier I've met someone who I have really connected with. Last Saturday we had our first date. It was beautiful. The weather which had been flirting with 90 degree F temperatures was a cool low 80 degree F day. There was a small breeze and it was just a lovely feel for the day. We walked the trails for a few hours looking at the old tree's giving our appreciation for them and catching all kinds of cool stuff and looking at beautiful spider webs. Some we tried to take pictures of but the light was all wrong and you can't see them :(

The whole day was just amazing and I'm in awe of just how the highers have blessed me with such and Amazing Lady. Especially right after I ripped the heart out of an Amazing Lady. A regret that started the moment I did it. I've been learning to forgive myself of my horrible mistake. While I don't regret the motivation it has given me to remove that monster in me, I do regret I hurt someone in order to do so.

We all have our monster. Some of us are very good at hiding it and keeping it at bay while others of us don't understand what that is. I've made some real serious changes in my thinking. I have decided to listen to the highers and allow them to show me the way. I wanted to fight it at first because who was I to be worthy of knowing the way. I am selfish and hurt people. I can still hear the higher tell me that's because your not embracing the love you wish to share.

I didn't understand. I was like ok how do I embrace something no one is giving me? They were silent. Why because they knew I already know the answer. No need to show me what I already know just allow me to think about what I asked. I said you bastards why yall got to let me be so damn insightful. So I decided maybe its time to listen and stop fighting. I had to let go.

Something that is very difficult for me. But in doing so the reward is just so much more than I could have ever anticipated. I no longer feel like I need to worry about how much more I have to go I just need to go. Enjoy and embrace every moment. Show my gratitude not just say it.

My heart is healing. Its a slow process but when you allow others to help you then you will find its much easier. Not less painful just easier to survive it. I'm letting go of those hurts from my past and while I will never forget them I will learn to embrace them as they are what have guided me to this place I am in now. Ready to not just ask for something but ready to receive it.

My journey is not being walked alone anymore. I have gathered friends to walk with me. And while some of our paths may go different ways. I understand that we can't grow if we don't spread. Popping up is great but if you don't branch out you wont make it. Some have been around and wisely just walked at a distance allowing me to go through what I had to do get my focus again. And while things are still a bit blurry it is clearing up fast. I'm no longer focusing on what I do and don't have I'm focusing in on what I'm sharing with others. How am I sharing my blessings? What is my true calling here? Well the true calling is a simple answer its to share my blessings.

When you are ready you will ask the question and find your answer is the same. We are here to experience and share that blessing with others. We must embrace our real selves so we can embrace others real selves. Walk with your heart in love and let love rule your thinking. Then you will experience joy. Joy must be shared or it can't last.

Let us share our blessings and then we can enjoy our journey. I am grateful to you all. I love you and thank you for joining me on this journey.