143

I’ve been a bit more reclusive lately. Just hanging in my room when not out doing things and just either watching a show, writing on a script or sleeping. I haven’t felt the need to be very social lately and I feel like its a good thing right now. I wish I knew how to explain it or even express it but its just where I’m needed to focus on my ultimate me.

I’ve done a lot of changing over the last year. I just got another year older in numbers I still feel like I did at the last age so its not different yet lol. I’m still in the process of creating myself and I need the time to allow my brain to sort things out. I get slow sometimes and have a hard time understanding certain things but when I do I usually understand them from that point forward.

So even though I am quiet on the outside. The inside is far different. I’m processing things and allowing myself to understand those things I need to. I’m busy not staying wrapped up in myself. I still try to do those little things that count like grab a buggy for someone so they don’t have to walk it to the closest carrosal. Or leave the change in the change thing. Not the bills just the change. It may be exactely what they need a small blessing :)

Any ways I know it may not seem like much but honestly I cannot really afford to leave the change but its seems since doing so I have been more blessed. I’m not saying that life is peachy keen and that all is perfect in my world but I am saying that it doesn’t matter if it is or it isn’t whats going on out there only affects a perspective but whats going on inside of me is changing affect.

So much of my life has been spent in service of one sort or another. It is through our deeds of service that we beging to understand our humanity. That we have passion, compassion and love. This is the strong foundation of life.

We are social creatures and those of us like me who can become very reclusive just little contacts here and there are all we need to satisfy that need. I’m happy by myself well I guess I can’t say I am by myself as this loud meow just reminded me :D yes I have adopted a Cat his name is Sparta(already Named) and he is a cool cat. He is good company :)

I got to talk to my daughters on my Birthday it was nice. I also talked to my Dad. I didn’t do anything special I just enjoyed it the way I choose to and that was that.

Its awesome to look back to where some of my relationships were and to where some of them are. I do enjoy those in my tribe. I’m forever greatful to the highers for them.

I pray you all peace, goodwill and good fortune. Share in the freedom that awakens you from within the soul. Allow the love into your heart and spread the joy of the feeling. Focus more on what you can do for others than what you can do for yourself. Instead of saying what do I need to do today try saying where/how can I be useful today.

No its not something I practice daily but I’ve become more conscience of it. To find God isn’t hard all you have to do is look. Be ready for not what you expect but what you don’t expect remember God works in mysterious ways. Get back in tune with yourself. Let go of the anger and the stress that holds us back.

Keep faith. No not religious, just the understanding that its all going to be ok.

A little fyi your not doing good deeds for those you know its those you don’t that you do a good deed for.

142

It has been a busy day today. I had a Orthopedic appointment just for the doctor to go yep you have deterioration and arthritis in my spine an neck. Nothing that can really be done about it. I then had Melissa come which originally she was then she wasn’t then we made it work.

I learned something very valuable the past few days. It is so easy for me to fall back to those negative core beliefs. I have always got to be on guard against that. Its absolutely like what Melissa pointed out today about Alcoholism You can have a year of not drinking but one drink makes you start all over. She was so dead on with that one.

Even though I had earlier sorted things out with the situation that upset me to start with I found that I had already went back to those very core beliefs I have been working so hard on replacing with the better core values.

I also have to remember I am still in the healing process and every now and then a scab gets picked off or scrapped off and then the wound starts bleeding again. The recent events only showed me I still have more work to do with my ability to communicate with others in a way that they can understand where I am coming from. I still have to be on guard of those old core beliefs that I held on to for way to long.

I’m also very grateful to Karen who took time to allow me to explain my position and understood my heart in that matter. I thank the highers always for those they have put in my life as I know that I’m exactly where I need to be.

After getting a hold of someone in Social Security I found out I have about a 19 month wait and I’ve only been 13. So it could potentially be a minimum of 9 more months before I will have an answer.

So in the mean time I just have to continue to do my best to show my appreciation to everyone for all their support and efforts on my behalf. Will I be perfect at it probably not however I can’t learn if I don’t screw up occasionally.

I again just thank yall for allowing me to get those things out that I need so I can see how to progress to that better me I am being ;)

May the highers (Your God) bless you and may you always remember that everyone has issues allow them to learn their lessons as you have to learn yours. I am so thankful for all of you who are there supporting me :D

The journey continues...

141

So far I’m not doing a very good job of keeping up in here. I apologize for that. I just been doing what I can to make it through this life. The past few weeks have proven to be very interesting and difficult at the same time and now I am at a crossroad.

I recently tried to explain something I cannot support but failed at it epically. I also seem to have had a friendship end which I’m not sure why but if that is what she needs then so be it. I’m tired of fighting to be in a world that just truly doesn’t want me here.

I was thrown in the woods and treated like an animal then thrown back into society and I am expected to be like everyone else. WTF! I’m sorry I don’t fit in to your world and I honestly don’t understand why I’m not wanted.

I’m not sure where I am going from here but I do know that I will survive it. Life has taught me that at least. But if I don’t then it really doesn’t matter its not like I’m of any real importance in this world.

So alone and confused in a world I truly cannot understand :(

140

Sorry its been awhile since I last logged on. I have been fairly busy lately and really haven’t had the time or energy to get on. I have had some good days and I have had some not so good ones. I’m just taking life one day at a time.

Not a whole lot to discuss as I am really just getting myself back together. I continue to give thanks and am very grateful to be in the position I am in. My friendships have strengthened and I’m in a much better place than I was just even a year ago.

The journey is not complete yet though thankfully and I still have room to grow. I’m just doing my best at the moment to stay positive and focus on where I am going.

Summer has appeared to come to an abrupt end. We have been having fall temperatures since last month. Kids are all back in school and now the holiday season is about to get rolling. This last year has gone by so quick I almost feel like I missed it.

Anyways I just wanted to let yall know I aint dead somewhere in a ditch :) As I get more inspired I’ll write more.

Remember the Roller Coaster is always moving and going and its always there the best thing to do is ride with a smile and have a good time. Life is to short to do anything but.

Keep your faith and watch for your highers to talk to you. Take advantage of every moment in full gratitude. Be strong in your confidence and know that the highers are with you everywhere. No they wont stop you from falling but they will catch you if you do. Its just a matter of giving up our illusion of control and recognizing that they are better at it.  

139

While the past couple of weeks have been hard on me I did not fall backwards instead I made another leap forward. Yes I allowed someone elses personality to affect my own disorder. I started instantly thinking negatively which told me I am taking things way to personally still.

I am so grateful for the highers who have been one of the main reasons I have been able to manage. The other reason is Melissa who challenged me to change that thinking pattern and remember everyone has their own issues and not all is about me.

I do seem to take it more personal if a woman has an issue with me than a man. I am assuming that has to do with the rejection my mother gave me. I have had the past 24 hours to myself which was very much needed for me to be able to regain my strength to continue this evolutionary journey.

The book is not closed and I continue to move forward even if I fall down. I just get up and go again. While I will not apologize for my seemingly down fall I do say that its all part of releasing the old and starting the new.

Besides the highers three other people have been very helpful even if they havent seen that yet. Of course they are Lisa, Melissa and Michele. I am just so grateful for their continued support of me and sticking with me against all the odds.

I just have to remember to appreciate what I do have and not worry about what I don’t and honestly that is a very very hard thing for me to do. However I do what I must to continue to become a better me.

Peace my dear friends and my you always see a way to grow :)

138

I really feel like I have out stayed my welcome on this planet. The only thing that seems to matter to some is what I can do for them other than that I feel like I’m just useless trash that doesn’t deserve to be in the same world as the rest of you.

I’m sorry that I have been deemed not worthy of breathing your good air. I’m not sure what I did in my previous life but apparently it was very bad and I don’t deserve to have any life.

I wanted so much to be able to change my perspective however it seems that there are energies against this. I’m so grateful for the place I stay but I feel so unwelcomed by a certain party and I just don’t know If I can continue to live this way.

I’m sorry I grew up in the swamps of Georgia and that we had to use an outhouse and had not convenient running water to always clean ourselves. I’m sorry I grew up in a world you truly will never be able to understand and I pray that it never happens to anyone else.

I’m sorry my mother deemed me unfit for love and therefore all others have as well. Again all I can do is say I’m sorry for doing that which I do not know I have done.

Forgive me for interfering with your lives and being such a burden on this world. I honestly wasn’t ready for the expectations that have been placed upon me.  

137

Sometimes I get reminded of just how important my feelings and thoughts are. Now I will admit my timing isn’t always the best but I do feel I deserve some bit of respect but again maybe I am having an expectation I don’t deserve to have.

I have been kicked ever since I came into this world. I’m not sure of the wrong I have done before that caused me to have such a horrible experience with life. I feel like i’m nothing more than a slave who is at the mercy of others who can never understand the experience's I have lived through.

Not only can they not relate they just really seem to not give a damn either. Its just another reminder to me of how our humanity has been lost. I’m sorry I am not deemed worthy of this life and I am sorry that I even appeared. I’m so so very sorry your world hates me and see no good in me.

I have done so much to change myself however I get treated like i’m lower than life and honestly maybe I am. I really don’t know anymore.

I was off my meds for 5 days and its seems to have taken much longer than the first time to readjust. I am uncertain of anything anymore. While I am so grateful I am also so disapointed that I chose to even experience life. I am just so confused anymore of who or what I am supposed to be to people. I really hate life and I’m sorry if that upsets people but honestly I’m tired of the cruelity.

Please forgive me for wanting to enjoy a life that apparently most people feel I am unworthy of. :(

I thank the highers for being with me though these difficult times and I only pray that they continue to do so.