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Starting treatment for BPD has gone underway. I am on meds yes I have an unwanted side affect but if the benefits out weigh it then I guess I just need to deal with it so the meds can help.

I started therapy yesterday and I like the councilor. I have to come up with a realistic set of short term goals and I am going through that now. I haven't been very active on the internet lately just absorbing all this and doing what I can to put myself in a better place with me.

I realize right now I just need time for me and to do what is best for my treatment. I wish I could say recovery but I am not sure I can ever recover from this disorder. But rather I can or not I am going to do everything in my power to not allow it to control me and who I am.

I got a major boost last night when I got a very touching letter from Michele. I feel better about our friendship and have a new hope to learn how to be a true friend to her. I'm just honored that she bothers with me at all. I thank her and the highers for that wonderful blessing.

Suffering with Major Depression really sets of my BPD. I have been working on focusing on those things I am grateful for. Its not always easy and I don't always want to do it but I know I have to in order to keep my own peace of mind. I'm glad I have the opportunity to work on my issues and now that I have a proper diagnoses that has actually helped me learn so much about my own behavior now. I can finally connect the dots with things. This is both good and bad because when your being completely honest with yourself you realize those behaviors that are not from a mental illness but just from your own personality.

I am learning to respect and love me more and more. While its still not where I desire it to be it is better and improvements are slowly happening. Again though I must use patience and trust in the process. Its hard for me to allow something else to have control but I'm learning to allow things to happen in the time they are meant to. Its not always easy and I have the want it now bug ingrained in me so its twice as tough to allow things to just happen naturally. I mean I want fixed now so I can enjoy the remaining years of my life. But I do realize that I have the choice to enjoy life or not regardless if I am ever completely fixed.

Its an everyday decision that must be made and sometimes I just don't care to make that decision. I'm human and sometimes just don't want to face things like others don't want to at times. It does help though when you know you have people out there that are truly supporting you. Encouraging you to keep going and ride this storm out.

I'm still very much in a roller coaster emotionally though and its very hard to keep things at bay when they really need to be. I think coming up with good short term goals that will help me to keep my eyes on my true goal and that is to be a much better me.

I have a long road ahead of me and I'm sure there will be some obstacles but life is what it is. I just pray that they come to me gently and that I can learn from them gently. I have had enough of the tough love and really need the gentleness now.

I am excited about where things may be going but mostly I am excited because they are going. I am regaining hope and faith and it feels nice. I pray for anyone out there suffering from something that you can be inspired to get the help you need our to seek out those who do love you and ask for help. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We all have problems and we all need a shoulder to cry on.

Life is what we make it we just have to learn to manipulate it to get the results we want and its not always easy and sometimes it doesn't work out the way you hoped but if you did then you learned something and with that you can move forward.

So for anyone out there in a struggle all I can say is keep going it will get better when you allow it. And use patience its not always easy or pretty but does get easier if you allow it.