113

I’m starting to get frustrated with all this fucking waiting. I mean seriously shit needs to start happening soon. I had joined one of those dating sites in hopes to maybe meet someone. I started talking to this really great lady however I was honest and told her im not quite divorced yet but do hope to be in the next month. She said she was sorry but she didn’t want to be in the middle of that. I told her she wouldn’t be but it didnt matter.

It was just a reminder that maybe there is no one out there for me. Maybe I am damned to be alone for the remainder of this life. I don’t know I just know I am getting fucking tired of this goddamn waiting.  

112

I’m still here and I’m still moving forward in life. I had a good session with Melissa yesterday and we talked about how far I have come. We also discussed me dealing with my insecurities. I’m getting better at not being so insecure.

I don’t know when the train is going to take off but I do know that the engine is running. I’ve been keeping myself busy taking care of me. Its not always an easy task and there are still times I just would rather throw in the towel.

Going back is not an option however. So I continue to progress. I have worked hard to get to this point and I will continue to go even further. The highers have worked hard to get me to this point and I am forever grateful. I am doing everything in my power to honor me and I do so hope that will give them honor.

I recently watched the movie Gods not Dead 2. It was a very well written story and the acting was decent enough to keep your interest. I found it interesting that they came up with all this evidence to prove that Jesus had lived as according to the bible.

To me the question isn’t did he exist. The question is what does it matter only a minor few actually get the point of his story. Rather real or not. Christians glorify his death telling you his spilled blood is what saved you. Honestly they believe this.

The death of Jesus did not save anyone. His blood shed was done for the simple act of selfishness. The church of the time didn’t appreciate someone talking about God without them getting there cut. And they especially didn’t appreciate someone who called them out on their bullshit. Oh wait its still pretty much the same.

Jesus saved you from sin by showing you how to live sin free. His Life is what saves not his death. People believe God to be a creator but think he would use death to give salvation. Even when approached by the young man who wanted to join him and Jesus said come and the man said let me bury my father first. And Jesus’s reply was Let the dead take care of their own.

Does this not tell you that God is not interested in the dead but in the living? So if he is interested in the living then why would he have you focus on a salvation from someones death?

But its the biblical God and imperfect being itself. The same book that tells you to not make an image of God has become the very image we were told not to have. The bible was only supposed to introduce you to God. It was never meant to be God. But the church pushed it as a way to control people. Sounds exactly like something a conquering nation would do. And after all the Romans were a conquering nation. What better way to control than through religion.

Why would a God give the commandment Do not kill. And just a few chapters later tell you if this man and that man have sex with each other they should be killed? There are a few other laws that if broken are also to result in being killed. So which is it do we kill or not? Never mind the fact that this is in the book of exodus. When the Jews were exiting Egypt. The Egyptians practiced open sexuality and these Jewish slaves were often raped by their masters. So these men figured that anyone who willingly participated in such acts should be killed. So this makes it mans law and not Gods.

Christians agree that Gods understanding is beyond our understanding and his ways beyond our ways yet they insist that their way is the only way to God. Why would God come to us all the same exact way when we all have a different level of understanding?

God will come to you at your level of understanding. The image you will get from her will be the one you understand. For me its the highers. Its looking beyond what is written and listening to what is being said. Looking at that which is being shown.

Its releasing all notions of who we think God is and allowing God to reveal themselves to you in the manner which is best suited for you. Because its all about the relationship. Not about Laws and Rules and being controlled.

We were given the gift of freewill. This was given because God wanted us to be free thinkers and experience those things we choose. Because we were given freewill I do not believe that God gave us commandments instead he gave us a conscience and its up to us on how we use it.

Prayer is one of the most powerful things we can do however prayer is generally one sided. Its us asking for some miracle or something of that nature. Having a relationship with God means talking with him. It means being prepared to hear the answer in the most of unexpected ways. It means taking off the blinders that have been placed on our eyes and opening them up to the reality of who God is to you.

I know the level of understanding in which I am. I do not know your level nor is it my place. What I do know is that if we allow God to reveal him/herself/themselves to us we will truly see who she is to us. Not to us as a whole but each within their own understanding.

God doesn't just want you to open your heart he wants you to open your mind as well. She wants us to be happy and learn to be content. To be gracious in our movements and efforts. To give love freely without expectation. To respect each other even in our differences.

111

This year has been quiet and off to a slow start. I am enjoying the moment of relaxation as I know things are going to start kicking up and I’m going to have less time to relax.

I had one of those days the other day that it just seemed that nothing was going as expected. What normally would have sent me straight down the pit of negativity did not. I managed to keep a positive attitude and continued to do the things I needed to do.

Its not always easy looking at a situation and going where did I do good here and where did I not do so good. It takes a brutal honesty at times and one must be willing to be that honest with themselves. Its the only true way we can grow.

I don’t always like what I see and I still have a tendency to want to run away from it. I’m learning to stand my ground in such things.

I recently joined one of those dating site to try and meet a few people and see if anything I can get a few decent friends from it. I started talking to this one lady and she seemed very nice very down to earth and I was intrigued. We had a lot in common but we also had some differences. Yesterday she asked me to delete my account on the site and she will do the same. I asked why she said so that I could prove to her I was serious about her. I told her first off we have only been talking to each other for about a day. I immediately recognized the insecurity this lady has and I told her I will not delete my account and accomadate her insecurity.

In doin so I recognized my own insecurites and I stood up to them. I chose to be stronger than they are. I liked the lady however I told her that she is not going to make me pay for her insecurites.

The final thing I told her was that if she only focus’s on the destination she will miss the journey and its the journey that molds and shapes life the destination well that is just the end. I wished her luck and am back to square one :/

But its ok because it was a very good moment for me. I took the time to realize something and instead of acting out in the usual negative way I chose to take care of me. To realize that I can control that which I do want and I do not want in my life to some extent. Maybe not in all things but maybe in those things that matter the most.

I am allowing myself to enjoy my little victory. It brings me even closer to my higher self. I thank the highers for giving me such a moment and assisting me along the way. I walk a little lighter and my head a bit higher.  

110

Had a bad moment yesterday but I got over it quick enough. Sometimes it happens. I just try to figure out how to handle things better in the future. I also have to remember to keep in front of my disease and not it in front of me.

I only truly fail if I don’t do anything. I have been working hard on changing those core beliefs that do not serve me and I have been working hard on letting things go. I still want what I want however I’m learning to live in peace with out it.

I continue to concentrate my efforts and energy into healing myself. I have the highers who are also giving me healing energy. I add some rose water to my bong water and absorbing its energy as well. I was sitting at the desk after a hit and thought about the Dr Emoto water experiment. If you don’t know what I am talking about you should read this: http://themindunleashed.com/2013/07/the-power-of-our-thoughts-on-water.html

I thought about the fact that I need to ensure that when putting water in my bong to send it healing energy. I also found out that burning bay leaves is beneficial here is the article I saw for that: http://natives-today.com/2017/01/03/burn-a-bay-leaf-in-your-house-the-reason-youll-be-amazed/

In working on healing me I have opened up to healing. I had a rough moment at Christmas time when my mom called me up 3 times. I didn’t answer nor did I call her back. I mean I haven’t talked to her since September. Now its the holiday and she wants what? But I let it go. I decided to just move on.

I’m coming together. I am doing the things I can and need to for me at the moment. I just have to remember that when I start down that negative road like I did for a bit yesterday. It is what it is and I can only take it one moment at time.

Its a new year and lots of changes are in progress. Going to be an interesting ride. I thank the highers for helping me get this far. Now we go farther.

109

If you are reading this then it is safe to say that you like me have survived the holidays :) It was a testing time for me and even though I had some bad moments it came out in the overall to be good.

I welcome the new year and all the change’s and challenges that come my way. Last year I found a name for the disease I have and have been learning to really live with it and not allow it to control me like it has done so for so many years. I continue this quest not in hope or belief but in knowing.

A lot of things had to come to a closure last year and considering it was a 9 year (2+0+1+6=9) it was time. I was not ready for somethings and somethings I got through with only the help of the highers. I thank them for that :) I went from not having faith in anything to learning how to have faith in them.

I still have a ton of insecurities I need to over come and I should have an opportunity to remove at least about half of them. Still it will take patience and willingness to do so. A very dear friend just told me that once I am capable of taking that next step in my journey I may find it easier than I think.

I plan on having a good time no matter what though. Life is to short and I have spent to much of it in pain and misery. I am shedding those cloths. Learning to unlearn that which I had been taught. Embracing the opportunity for growth.

It’s a new year and its a much better perspective. Its also a 1 year (2+0+1+7=10 = 1+0 = 1) and that means new challenges and new beginnings. It means starting over and manifesting your desires. It means giving up the past and focusing on the future. Worrying about only one thing changing myself and not the world.

I continue to proceed forward with a healing heart. I thank you all for your support and I look forward to many more adventures as I grow.