108

I have been doing my best to just keep my head above water and I have to admit while I have had a few moments I have done a good job with it. I saw Melissa today for the last time this year. We discussed some ways for me to work on my insecurities.

Its a struggle do to the fact that its so deep rooted. Going all the way back to my childhood. I’m learning to give myself a chance and to just relax and allow things to happen. I have my difficult moments in dealing with it sometimes but the overall is there.

Next week I have an appointment with the eye doctor. I have been having major headaches lately do to my eyes not seeing as good anymore. I also had a piece of the nose holder thingy break and that has caused a lot of discomfort. Its been a couple of years since my last eye exam. So I am definitely do.

I’m probably not going to get back here until after I get new glasses next week. So I hope all my readers enjoy their holiday. I bid you peace and good tithing. Thank you for sticking with me this year. Its been a roller coaster but a lot of good has come out of it. 2017 looks to be very promising.

Until we meet again my friend.

107

Had one good thing happen to me over the past few weeks that is the only thing that has been right. Seems like most of everything else has gone wayward. I’m so very frustrated about it all at the moment.

I spent yesterday with my oldest daughter and my grandson. I really had a good time being with the grandson. However a part of me was very sad about it as well. Seeing the innocence through the eyes of the wounded.

I’m not on my meds at the moment as the doctors office has yet to get my prescription refilled. I called twice last week before I was out but I guess they wanted me to do with out because I am. It frustrates me when I do the right thing and still get shit on. Kinda takes the incentive out of it.

Doing my best to keep my focus on the positive but so damn hard right now with all the negative that is just twisting my emotions. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother why not just throw in the towel and call it a fucked up life and end it.

So hard to keep positive when Murphy’s Law is the life you have. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself or maybe I really am getting to the end of my rope with dealing. I’m sorry I just see very little value in Life. All I see is an accident that should have never ever happened.

But I’m hurt and my views are based through those eyes. I have so much I am so grateful for such as spending time with my Daughter and Grandson. It was a very refreshing moment when it was needed. I’m just afraid it wasn’t enough :(

Again though I have to do my best to keep my focus on what it is I have set out to do. I’m just not doing a very good job of that at the moment.

I grew up in a very different world than most Americans. I was forced to be on my own by the age of 8. I had to grow up fast I had no choice. No one was looking out for me but me. I had to fight, flight and sell my soul to get this far.

I have endured things no human should ever have to endure. The rapes the beatings and most ashamedly the selling of my soul to move up in rank. Doing what I felt I needed to do in order to survive but for what so I can just exist? The joke is on me.

All I gained was years of experience in hurt, anger and fear. Never feeling worthy of being. Never seeing the value that is within me. Never allowing myself to heal. Having a hatred for myself that is a pure as sunshine. Never Living. Never taking real chances out of fear.

This year is almost over and a year it has been. I have hope for the new year as I know there are a great many changes coming both personally and globally. I can only control my reactions and not the circumstances. I am doing my best to focus on the new liberties that are presenting themselves to me.

There is one thing in this world I still want more than life. I have so many doubts and so many fears. I worry about that which I cannot control. I worry about who I can’t control. Yet its not them I wish to control it’s what is exposed to my world. I just have to find a way to keep out that which I don’t desire by not shoving out that which I do.

It’s almost Christmas/Yule time. I have thought about my mom and hope she is doing well. The compassionate side of me is still concerned for her however the realistic side of me knows that she is a trigger and I can’t go back.

I hate to be the sinner judging a sinner for sinning. Oh the hypocrisy of the blind. Self preservation comes first. Its survival instinct. I have to take care of me first. Anyways the thread that I am barely hanging on to is what I have to be grateful for.

As far as the highers well they are still there that’s why your reading this. I was perfectly fine walling in misery and self pity. They continue to encourage me even when I really don’t feel like being encouraged. I’m hurt, tired and just plain worn out. I’m so thankful they remind me I am loved.

106

Been working on taking care of things I have been needing to do for a while now and some of it just takes time. Some of it I can only do so much then its up to others. While I can only worry about my part I find myself still wanting to control when others do their part.

My trust issues while very warranted are very hindering to me. Then I have the dichotomy that I wish to be more trusting but still can’t trust anyone or anything that is not within my control.

Working toward freedom. I know its one day at a time and I am grateful for that don’t think I could handle anymore than that.

I got very frustrated the other day when I had to call a company to take care of an issue and the automated bitch they have hung up on me twice. I answered the question and it would reply if you can’t speak I will be forced to hang up. I did speak you non human non hearing fucking machine.

Separating us even further giving up more of our freedom to give them more control while they keep us occupied with the notion that we have a good life and are happy. All the while being blind to the fact that we are just slaves to a few assholes who think they own something and we fucking allow it.

Ok rant over :) I needed to get that out. I don’t know it saddens me so to see how we treat the earth and each other over a worthless piece of paper that’s only value is we allow it.

I have a few things on the burner that I am working on and awaiting for. One of those things is court for my divorce. I need to feel that I can truly move on and I can’t at the moment and this is one thing that holds me down. So waiting for it to be behind me.

Still having issues dealing with a roommate who bullies her junk on to one. I know she can’t help the way she is however she wont ever help it if she keeps refusing to see how its affecting those around her. We have tried different techniques to tell her how she takes nothing in to consideration just starts dumping her garbage on us and then repeating it over and over and over. It takes her ten minutes for her to tell you she is going to run to the store.

I mean you have to hear the entire fucking reason why she needs to go. I don’t fucking care just go already and leave me the fuck alone about it. Sad part is she really doesn’t seem to get it and other than really hurting her feelings and just being blunt as shit there is no way for me to express it. I choose not to do the latter as a promise to myself for loosing it with someone I actually do give a fuck about. I am just not sure how much longer I can refrain from such though :(

It’s never easy deciding, doing and sticking with the changes you decided to make to better yourself. Sometimes its just damn right taxing. You don’t know rather to shit or cry. I am surviving by the grace of the highers whom stick with me.

I know everything that is happening right now is to guide and direct me to that better me I am becoming. I just wish it wasn’t so aggravating at times. But got to take the bad with the good.

I may never make it to see what that light is at the end of the tunnel and I don’t care its not about where I am going its about how I am getting there. Slowly and steadily I stay on my path taking things as I can handle them.

105

I deactivated my facebook account this morning. Nothing happened or anything like that. I did it because the holidays are among us and I really just rather not have to see any of the bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not a scrooge or anything I just have some real issues with the holidays. One of the biggest issues I have is the fact that we take one time out of the year to think about how we are supposed to treat each other year around. Another issue I have is the bullshit commercialization of the whole thing.

The day after we give thanks for the things we have we stomp and kill each other over a stupid object we just haft to have to buy someones love. WTF. Seriously. Is that the level which we have chosen to express love to others? The more I buy for you the more I love you? When did money become the standard measurement of our love?

The corporations invoke the masses by selling you their garbage at a price it should normally be sold at making you think you got a deal. But what kind of deal is worth selling your soul for? The Holiday Season has become about making the rich richer and putting the poor in more debt. Its doesn’t teach love it just talks somewhat about it. Just enough to make one feel justified in their partaking.

When the Pagans celebrated Yule they would give gifts of blankets and clothing to the needy and poor. They would help shelter the homeless. Yes they would even provide a toy or two for the children. They did this because they understood one important thing that we have severely turned our backs on and that is life is more valuable than objects. The Pagans felt everyone should have the opportunity to survive the winter.

It sickens me to think how much humanity we loose as we become more civilized. People at this very moment are fighting a corporation and the government over a pipe line that could destroy the drinking water of millions of people. In China a company makes its profit selling canned air as the air quality over there is so bad there is no fresh air.

How much longer will we let the few destroy everything and we all pay for it? Why are we still allowing them to convince us this is the way life must be? When shall we ever be relieved from the burdens of possession? The body we have is not ours but it belongs to the earth. We are just borrowing it. Now our thank you to our mother is a big fat middle finger and the words fuck you attached to it. Its all about me!

Its supposed to be about we. All of earths creatures depend on each other. If we continue to allow Governments and Corporations to destroy our planet for their own selfish greed then we will all die. The system in which they created is a one way ticked to destruction. The only lives that matter to them are the ones who can afford to pay. But that’s ok you just keep thinking you have a good life and that everything is wonderful. Enjoy your fantasy land and have fun. Those who are willing to wake up to the truth will be the ones who survive.

We gave up real freedom for the illusion of it. We bathe in the blood of the innocent as though we are more than fleas fighting over who owns the dog. Will we ever actually learn to share?

If you want to make a real difference this holiday season then I would suggest to face the truth. Spread it around and help others face it. If we continue to sit on our asses they will continue to feed us bullshit.

Its time to allow humanity back into our lives. Its time for compassion. Its time for truth. Time to love.

I Stand with Standing Rock. I believe in life not profit. Please support the NODAPL effort. This pipeline could kill millions. People who have protested by form of prayer have been shot at with rubber bullets. They have had Water cannons fired at them at below freezing temperatures. A lady lost and eye.

Why are the people who did this not in Jail? Government and Corporation are breaking yet another treaty and allowing innocent peaceful protesters to be harmed. Why do we need a pipeline anyway is it not time to get away from fossil fuels and go with much cleaner alternatives? Or again are we supposed to kill ourselves so someone else can get fat?

Either you care or you don’t however do understand your affected, your family is affected and no one cares if you care or not your going to pay the same. It’s time the few understand from the masses that we’re not going to take it anymore.

104

I woke up in a pissy mood again :( I am not sure exactly what is going on. I guess it could be the time of year the weather combined with the holiday’s have me down on both the mental and physical plane.

I put some tunes on, smoked a couple of bowls and allowed myself to relax. The mental has eased off a bit. Now if I can just get the damn physical to do the same lol.

I watched a movie the other day and the lady asked a guy if he was raised in a barn? I immediately had thought about how I was brought up. Thinking about being raised in a barn would have been an upgrade from the cabin I was in. Comparatively the cabin was just a big dog house. There was only room for a bunk bed. We had enough room to store the broom for sweeping our floor and a couple of rakes for raking the camp before we left for breakfast every morning.

I remember sitting by the door when it was raining out smoking and watching the storm. I sometimes had wished that lightning would strike me and end the world in which I lived.

Youth Estates was right outside Brunswick Ga. We were near the swamp lands. We would get eaten alive by the bugs just about year round as it never got really cold down there. I remember at times I would go and find a tree climb up as high as I could find a nice branch and sit and smoke for hours and hours. I would end up getting in trouble for being gone like that but it was the only time I felt safe.

Its almost surreal to think about my upbringing at times. Like it was just a really bad dream that had a few decent parts. Sometimes I feel that way about my life now. I keep thinking I’ll wake up and this hellish nightmare will be over with.

When I do I have to stop take a moment and realize that I have to keep going the way I choose and not the way circumstances try to make me choose. I have to choose to control only what I can and let go of that which I cannot.

Again though things could be much worse and I am so thankful that they are not. I am doing all I can to maintain the attitude Smile and Think Positive. Thank you for that Michele. I’m grateful for your light in my cruel dark world.

Grateful to the highers for their ever encouragement and willingness to always help when needed. We have worked hard and I have come a long way. I know the down times are necessary to allow one to focus on what needs to be done next. So I ask to help me to receive these lessons gracefully, gently, lovingly and peacefully.

I don’t need to worry about that which is beyond my control. I have to continue to focus on that which is. Its a daily struggle and lately it’s been a hard struggle. I still believe and I still improve. I know I’m being forged. I’ll just be glad when its time to shine lol. Rub me buff me that I can handle I think ;)

I’m working on it. Even when I really don’t feel like it. I was horrible to someone who was kind I owe it to me to never be him again. So I continue to do my best. Some day’s I’m strong and some days not so much. Each day is its own.

Reaching for higher self is not always a pleasant ride. You have to drive through a bunch of garbage and clean it out of the way. Sometimes the garbage is just nasty and it stinks but you have to clean it anyways.

One of the best memories I do have from Youth Estate was because there was a lot of swamp land around us and us being boys we had acres of mud to play in. :) We didn’t have bikes or anything like that we walked or waddled through the mud. Sometimes we would be chest deep in it. I can still remember the feeling of being free during those times. Not a care in the world other than exploring the swamp.

Even though it was a dog house I am grateful I grew up in the wilderness for that moment in my life. It really gave me an appreciation and respect for nature. I’m so glad I have that appreciation and respect because so many don’t anymore. We moved away from the wilderness to become civilized.

Now Corporations serve us our food. We have allowed them to disconnect us from our food and from nature. This shift has deadened our humanity even more. We have put blind trust into people who’s only concern is the almighty dollar.

When will Life be more valuable than the objects of life? When will we look at each other and not see an adversary but another person just trying to do life? We all just want peace and to have a decent living so why are corporations and governments so against this?

I think we would all get along just fine with out the following hindrances:

Law – When will we rise above the need?

Corporations – When will we see feeding a few and starving the masses is not a life promoting plan?

Politics – When will we learn to govern ourselves and treat others with respect?

Religion – When will we grow beyond others telling us how to behave?

I really think that with those four things outlawed we the people would be much better off. But what do I know I’m mental whats your excuse?

Life is what it is. I can only do the best I can with what I have. Not what I’m going to have or what I used to have but only what is within me now. I continue the struggle with faith in knowing its going to all work out.

103

Been going through a roller coaster here lately. While things are going well things are not going how I hoped. One instance is when I went to file for my dissolution for my divorce I was informed I would have to appear in court. That isn’t so bad but both of us would have to appear in court for a dissolution. I know Erica doesn’t have the funds to drive all the way down here just to go to court so I had to change the dissolution to a straight out divorce. As a divorce only the plaintiff needs to appear in court.

Its not what I thought a dissolution was. I thought both parties singed the paper work in agreement to dissolve the marriage and the judge justs signs off on it. Well that is not the way it is here. I guess over all its the same difference but I do know the divorce is fifty dollars more and I only had the 250 for the dissolution.

When I was told this I almost lost it in the court house. I could only see the negativity of being stopped in my tracks and feeling like I had thousands of times before. Everytime I try to do the right thing in my life I get kicked in the fucking face.

I felt like throwing my hands up and saying fuck it just take me out back and shoot me I’m tired of your fucking world and don’t want it anymore. Fortunately the highers were whispering to me it will all work out. I know it will however I really wish I didn’t have to keep getting kicked in the face.

Doing my best to stay focused and to stay positive however at the moment I am on a very thin line. I’m so tired of life I truly don’t want to ever do life again. I’m done with it. I’ll do my time and when its over its going to remain that way forever.

Sorry if this one isn’t as uplifting as most have been lately. I’m really struggling to keep that Smile and Stay Positive. I know its all going to work out or it wont not really to concerned either way anymore. I’m tired of wanting better just to get a big fat boot in the face. I truly don’t know if I can handle it anymore.