68

Its been a struggle lately for me to keep some kind of positive outlook. Don't get me wrong I am very grateful for that which I have and for those who support me however I am still finding it very hard and difficult to find value in life.

I have several things going in the positive for me however it just doesn't seem to be enough to help me see value in life. I don't know maybe too many years of disappointment have me feeling like that is all I am ever supposed to see.

I still look back and wish I had been taken out years ago. I don't understand why I wasn't. Rather you wish to believe that we are the result of Alien experimentation or you choose to believe that a judgmental Asshole created us doesn't really fucking matter. Either way we are just energy in transformation and I'm the energy that should not be.

I no longer have time for those who don't have time for me. I've stopped chasing bullshit dreams. I realize that I will never be truly happy as long as I live. It has nothing to do with me and it has everything to do with the fact I really don't like it here. I hate life.

I have been forced to be alone my whole life and I don't like it. I in all my years and times on this fucking planet have found no value in life at all. We preach love then run from it every chance we get. We justify the destruction of others in the name of experience.

Jumped, humped and born to suffer. Morrison had it right. That has been life. This hell I feel has jaded me from the supreme bliss of ignorance. I unfortunately have to see the fucking ride through though.

I'm cursed to just deal with it. Oh the ultimate evil thought praying for foreplay. I grasp my divine nature to understand that the split was necessary to keep together the delicate balance.

Sorry I suffer for the ingrates who are to blind to see. To busy buying and selling the reality they think we should create. No more can I endure the illusion. I may not like it but the truth of it will be shown so you can see the ugliness it holds.

Its liberating to know that all that you touch and all that you see will also cease to be. Everything is temporary including the universe in which we call home. It to like all other living organisms is dying and will ultimately die and those of us still in it will die with her.

For she is the ultimate creator and as the song says: when the life giver dies all around is laid waste. And in my last hour I'm a slave to the power of death. From one hellish death to another.

Do I have a point or is this just the ramblings of a madman? Careful you just judged me. Just remember this important lesson in life and that is this as long as you believe it to be real it is. So don't stop believing huh?

Where goes the warm blood that escaped the cold dead heart that now lies with in me. When did the flame of love become a torch of rage? Why are you running away?

Sadness breaths the only small breath of clarity. My Angels are crying for me, their love is real. Sorry I don't understand those who misunderstood. Emptiness has devoured the lonely. 

67

As I get older I really don't have a love for life anymore. After all its nothing more than one disappointment after another and I'm done being disappointed.

In my experience life has taught me that its not for me. Guess what I don't want it either. I hate life. It holds no value for me. I see nothing good in it.

I'm not overly depressed or anything no not at all infact today is just a blah day. I just really hate fucking life. It has never wanted me and I do not know why it has me other than it is enjoying the suffering I feel.

I loved someone once like I had never loved before. I am heartbroken because she really never understood. No matter how much I fucking wanted her to she just didn't, Thanx for getting it Michele, May you never be as misunderstood as I was with you and may no one ever break your heart as much as myne. Its good though as its a reminder that I truly never should have been given life and I truly don't belong here. And someone like you would never want others trash as myself.

People know of me but never bother to understand and maybe they just can't, all the more reason I truly do not belong. I am not the same as you. I have no more desire I have no more hope and the thing that has room for faith is my death.

I guess its ok though as I really don't understand the cruelity of this world either. I can't see how material things matter more than people but you live this way and I just can't.

I truly wish my soul would be uncreated and all memories of me erased. I see no value in the life I have led and see no value in life in general. I honestly believe we are a horrible mistake that needs immediate correction.

66

Sometimes things happen that we just truly don't understand. Sometimes they happen not because we ourselves are to get a lesson but sometimes the lessons are for the bystanders. We often forget to see the forest from the trees.

I find myself in a much calmer state of tolerance of my emotional instability. Sometimes life gives us a chance to not right a wrong but to change an undesired outcome to a different outcome. Its how we decide to move with it.

Everyday we awake we have a chance to change the undesirable if we believe. That is the key right belief? Or is it something even deeper something more of a faith issue?

A belief can be proven wrong but faith allows us to understand that truth does not change only the circumstances in which created the truth changes.

Looking from within I have seen many changes over the past few months. Some of them mental and some physical. I changed some circumstances of things that I can and have been working on truly accepting and letting go of that which I can not change.

My heart has always desired to follow the suite of love. I have and understanding that if one wants something they are usually the opposite. Such a strong desire for love has kept me in fear. Its not all bad though just remember the deeper the fear the deeper the love.

Understanding that basic truth allows me to grasp the reality of me. A man who wishes to be of peace must first be a master of war. In order to become a teacher one must first be a student. Thank you highers for teaching me.

When Mick first said those words What a drag it is getting old. I'm not sure he understood the reward of wisdom. But that is part of the overall evolution of the species is it not? As we become more enlightened the less we depend on that which holds us back.

In a moment of clarity I can release my fantasy and embrace the reality of the me I am. I choose this it is part of learning to like me more. I still have a lot to explore and I'm not sure of a lot of things in this world but I do plan on enjoying the remainder of my ride.

Bad mistakes yeah I'll probably make a few but I have survived them before and will do so again. If not for the bad mistakes I wouldn't appreciate the good ones. I am liberating myself from the prison of my imagination. Where can there be bad in that?

Gaining and accepting my abundance. Gaining and accepting my dreams. Furthering myself to become a teacher. I look at the world as a parent looks at its child. I wish to give it that which I didn't have and that which I did.

Reinventing oneself is invigorating when you allow yourself to trust in the process. I may never have the money that this world depends on however I can rest easy with the knowledge of knowing what I do have I can take and share and that is the wisdom I gain while on the journey.

Maybe exposing my every weakness to the world isn't a good thing and then again maybe its time we all became real with who we are. I encourage you to find your path gain your strength and stay true to your journey. Remember don't follow my footsteps instead create your own.  

65

So its been a bit since I have actually done anything socially. We got back from the camp after being there for five days. It was a nice get away for the most part. I have been staying true to the not smoking and now its been a month. :) I'm at the stage now where my lungs are starting to repair themselves. Brad told me the other day my voice is sounding different. Much cleaner and deeper with less horseness.

I'm staying focused on being a better me and not focusing on that I don't want in my life anymore. I am getting myself to a point of where I can accept me as I am. I am slowly learning that its ok to not have control over everything and I'm learning its ok to not always get what you want.

I may end up entirely alone and at this point I'm fine with that. No its not my desire but you know I just don't have any more time for people who don't want me in their life. I keep expecting to much from the wounded.

It's hard to go through life feeling like you are not wanted need or even cared about but you know what I have done so and survived so for nearly 50 years. I'm to tired to fight it anymore and just have to accept that out side of me no one truly wants me.

Its ok. Not really and fuck the lot of you. I wish and desire for the same things as most people and that is to be wanted and feel loved. Well I'm tired of wanting something that apparently isn't going to happen. So fuck it. I'm going to like me and accept me the best I can and just be good enough for myself. No longer can I waste time on those who choose to not want me.

I never felt worthy of this world and honestly still don't. I have a hatred for life as pure as sunshine and its not improving.

Over all the past month hasn't been that bad its just been another month of me wishing for that which doesn't happen so no fucking more.

Maybe not the most positive post but I am not completely sure how I feel. I think I'm to fucking nice. Never wanting to see others hurt yet I suffer.