18

A few days ago I heard about a horrible event done by John McCain and Jeff Flake. They sold us out. They showed the world that we have lost our humanity. That the only thing that matters is the money. We have created this monster and marvel in our illusion of glory.

The Indians of this Nation have Lost enough do to the greed of the white man. When I read what happened I became sick to my stomach. My heart cried for these people who are loosing sacred ground for a shady deal. To do copper mining. To keep feeding the monster we so gloriously created.

Today I watched a movie that I so love because this whole event reminded me of it. Unfortunately this behavior from our Politicians is not new. I watched Thunderheart. A very powerful movie inspired by actual events in the 1970's. Being that I am part Sioux and the movie is based on the Sioux I always feel happy and sad. My heart mourns for all the Indian tribes we have destroyed to live out the American Dream. A dream built by stealing land from a beautiful simple people who loved the earth. Who praised her and the spirits of the animals. Gave thanks and lived with Gratitude.

We have no true Gratitude anymore. Instead we take advantage of that which we have. We no longer touch earth and praise her for her provisions. We just take for granted that they are there. We rape the land in search of more and more so that we can have for ourselves. We no longer share our blessings with others now we charge for them.

We have spread this disease throughout the world. We raise our children to buy into this nightmare we created. We don't teach them whats important anymore. We all want to raise them to have it better than us. Yet we destroy the very home they live and expect them to survive. We make our children so dependent on us that they no longer expect to have to do for themselves.

Everyone wants to have this piece of the pie. To out do the 'Jones's' We fill our minds with the adds they provide telling us what we need. They have controlled our thinking keeping it in fear for century's. We have laws that prohibit people from getting a natural medicine that has been used for century's. We Kill animals for fun and 'sport' but what the fuck is sportfull about killing an animal that has as much right to live on this earth as you do? Killing done only for a trophy.

We should be shameful. We should see this monster that has been created for what it truly is a monster. The faith I have in humanity is sadly very low. We have been living in an illusion for so long we bought it. And now we are killing ourselves with it.

We are all committing suicide and the people doing it to you are feeding you pharmaceuticals to keep you happy about it. We have closed our eyes and our hearts to mother earth. We are destroying her for a piece of that stale pie we have been blindly chasing after.

Together we Stand Divided we fall. But if we continue to stand together for this monster we have allowed to strip away our humanity then we will do more than just fall we will die.

We force and 'Image of God' down peoples throat to keep them in line with the master plan. Allowing us to believe that God would use fear to control us and take away the very freewill he gave to us. The introduction to his existence has become a corrupt image of who he is. God isn't in the business of prohibiting he is in the business of Love. Not living in fear. Not destroying ourselves for something that is totally useless. The very image we have created has become the Anti-Christ.

Our society has children raising children instead of community's raising children. The elder and the wise should be teaching them not other children. No we let people who haven't figured out who they are to raise children who don't know who they are.

We don't live in gratitude. Our hearts are not truly grateful to the blessings we have the opportunities we have to become better to our true selves. We deny it in the name of profits. We put the blame on everything but ourselves and then tell ourselves what can I do about it? We say that a flag represents racism. Of course it does and look how many we have! You see racism is much deeper than just a color issue its a separation of our soul. We put up our flags to show what color we are. This disease is spread throughout the world. We fight each other over ideas instead of accepting that we all have our own walk to make and we must make it without judging how others walk theirs. We instead try to force everyone to believe what we believe. Our image of God is right and yours is wrong. Oh such fearful thinking. Not realizing that God appears to us all in our own understanding. Leads and Guides us if we open our hearts to love instead of fear.

The fear of not having. My fear is not living. I'm no longer going to just exist and wait to die. I am going to live and fly. I am going to be vocal about the true sins that we commit everyday. I am going to wake people up to the truth of life and how to live in love. I am going to sacrifice my life to bring back our true nature. I will learn to live grateful. I will give away my blessings. I will share with you. I will live with you and I will love you. I am going to give praise and thanks to the angels and spirits that guide us to fully live. I will praise my Wise Spiritual Friend and listen to his advice. I will spread his love so I can show you how to save ourselves.

Who will Join me?

17

Sometimes life throws you a curve and just totally throws you into something beautiful. That is happening to me right now :) First there was the place that I got upset at for disapproving my post. I had basically written the place off and was ready to throw in the towel when the outreach came. Now things are not perfect but what is perfection anyway but and illusion. The administrator of the forums and myself had and are having a very good conversation and we are looking to make some changes. What, is unclear at this time but its all in the right direction.

The second thing that has happened is I have met, well sorta met someone who has really helped me focus on the positive. She is a very special lady and I'm honored to have the opportunity to get to know her. We have only talked on the phone twice but all together both calls add up to 6 hours. :D yeah I hate talking on the phone but with her its just so easy. Usually after 20 minutes I'm ready to hang up but even 3 hours doesn't seem long enough.

I don't know what direction the spirits are guiding me to but I do feel so positive about it. And while yes my heart still aches for Michele. I do know that everything is going to work out so much better than I could ever imagine. I for the first time in a very very long time have had some faith restored. 

I still have tons of garbage to go through in my mental closet and am still in the process of learning what is myne and what is not. I am starting to really let go of those things that don't belong to me. I know its a process and honestly I'm excited to be going through it. I may have years of heartache and pain to sort through but I am starting to learn how to sort through it with out retaking on the heartache and pain. 

Don't get me wrong there is still plenty of growing I have to do. There is still bitterness and anger over past events that I have to learn to let go of and I'm sure I'm going to face some difficult moments in doing that. However, I really do know its going to be ok. Of course right now I'm floating on cloud 15 and I haven't had any organics to help get me there lol 

Sure I'm going to have some set backs and I understand that they are necessary at times. Sometimes you cant move forward until you do step back. I just have to remember to keep my mind on whats truly important and why I am doing all this. Not an easy task but one I know I will accomplish.

I'm starting to not look so much at my email for a message from Michele. While I would love to have her back in my life I'm beginning to slowly accept that maybe she was only there to help guide me to this point. I still will hope she returns as I still love her however I can't stop moving forward trying to hang on to a hope that may never fruition. I do still very much miss her and I am starting to learn that is ok. I am so thankful for the time we have shared. I'm only sorry she left not truly knowing that. 

I however am focusing on fixing the broke in me. I do have it pretty good and hope to start showing that more. Replacing that fear based thinking and those negative emotions is going to be a challenge but one I know I can accomplish. Thankfully I have people who do care and love me and I care and love them. Now I have to show them how much by becoming the me I should be.

We don't always end up with everything we may want and as I get older I'm understanding why. Sometimes you don't really need what you want. I'm learning to accept that. 

So the journey continues with gladness in my heart. So kick back with me and lets enjoy this ride. I mean hey its only life after all ;)

16

Yesterday I learned of a great injustice. I wrote about it in last nights blog. I also went to a place I have supported for the last 4 years and posted there. It was unapproved of and a piece of me died.

You see I really enjoyed working there and I enjoyed the people I worked with. But I am vocal about things I don't see right. I will not be muzzled because of politics. While It is politicians doing what politicians do its more than political. Its a slap in the face of humanity. This is sacred ground to this tribe and If it belonged to Christians, Muslims or even Jews this would have not happened. Why because these two senators would not risk loosing votes for the next election but since it only sacred to a people already conquered who cares right?

The Indians of this country do not have a voice that carries to anyone who actually cares. More times or not the voice of the Indians fall on deaf ears. I have a little Indian blood in me my tribe is Sioux. While I do not pretend to know much about that part of my heritage it is still a part of who I am.

I decided that I can no longer support those who will not support me or humanity for that matter. We are all one and until we realize that we will continue down this destructive path we have laid before ourselves as we marvel in our own glory. We have allowed profit to rule all. When will we stop this madness?

You see my Dad has lived in fear his whole life over money. Why? Because that is the destructive road that society has decided to go down. No longer do we help our neighbors. Instead we charge them and then do the bare minimum.

Its this kind of ignorance that has left this tribe fighting for this holy land. Now here is something to think about what if this was your sacred land how would you feel? Would you sit quiet and watch them destroy that which is precious to you. Keep in mind that you already have had all your land taken from you and were told where you can now live.

We either must stand up and fight this corruption or we need to just lay down and die. We traded our humanity for a dollar bill. What could be more sad than that?

And Out Cry of Injustice

The past couple of months I have been doing this blog its been about me and where I am at and how I am traveling my journey. As that has been the reason for me to do this. However today's entry is not about me or my walk but about humanity.

Apache Indians are protesting the selling of a holy land. A deal in which Senators John McCain and Jeff Flake snuck a deal into a bill needed for our Military Defense Budget. Undoubtedly they are going to receive big profits from this.

These people are in office because we allowed them. However WE the PEOPLE need to show the Government that we are not going to allow them to continue to play politics and kiss the ass of business. We should have both of these senators thrown out on their ass. Why because they are taking away a holy land from a people who have already had everything taken away from them by us to begin with.

Please stand with me and fight this injustice.

Here is a link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/29/opinion/selling-off-apache-holy-land.html?_r=1

here is a petition to sign to fight this injustice.
https://secure.avaaz.org/en/stand_with_the_apache_global_loc_dn/?auqZUfb

How long are we going to allow profit to destroy our humanity?

15

I woke up this morning in a very negative mood. I'm not sure why I woke up feeling so incredibly alone and unworthy but I did. I sat out this morning and was just completely sick of the alone feeling. I mean I know I have a few people around me that care very much and I am so grateful for them. Its just hard when no one understands you. I lost the one who seemed to and I'm still very lost and very scared. 

I got to start thinking about the way I felt when I was a child and realized I've never stopped feeling that way. I never had anyone but me. I remember I would write letters to mom and dad and sometimes I would get a reply. If mom hadn't left the place she last wrote from then it was nice to get the reply. For dad I guess it depended on his mood or whatever.

I had to remember that during my time in Youth Estate no one from my family really contacted me or wrote me. I did get a visit once from my grandparents and it was nice but short. There was one Lady who always seemed to stay in touch with me and her name was Lyda. She was my Grandfathers wife on my moms side. My mom lost her mom when she was 9 to cancer. I still can here my mom telling me how she lost her mom at age nine. To bad I never thought to tell her well sorry but I lost mine at age 7.

Lyda I believe I met once when I was 5. I don't really remember her but do remember a little about my Grandfather. He was half Indian. When his wife died he left my mom with her aunt in Savannah and he went to Colorado. Which set the stage for mom later in life to walk away from me. So thanks Grandpa love you to you bastard. Lyda wrote to me all the time and was very consistent until she passed. She was a great lady and I thank you for her. Michele was my new Lyda and again I've lost someone special.

I don't know why I can't seem to be cut out for someone. I've busted my ass to try and be a good husband and a good father. Unfortunately I was a good husband to the wrong person. Fortunately I was a good dad to the right people. And while I love my kids there are just somethings they can't fulfill in me. And no one else wants to.

I've always felt like I was being punished for being born and surviving. I still feel that way a lot of times. Like I was a really really horrible person and I don't know maybe I was. I just know this If this is to be my life I want to give it back. I want no more chances no repeats no coming back. I've been defeated 

If this isn't to be my life then I honestly don't know. I am to hurt to be able to see beyond my pain at this moment. 

In my eyes you see no pride
In my eyes you see no light
In my eyes you see a tear
In my eyes you see my fear
In my eyes you see my love
In my eyes you see no plight
In my eyes you see my hate
In my eyes you see my fate

Forever all alone

14

When cleaning the mental closet its important that you just not pitch out everything. We have good stuff in there and need to separate it from the garbage. This takes time and unfortunately that word patience. I know I stated that I'm just pitching but that's not entirely accurate. Yes I am starting to let go of some of the garbage but I have to look at it see what it is and ask myself why am I holding on to it? You see we must face the fear based thoughts to return them to love based thoughts. 

In every situation we have faced with someone we have a part and they have a part. When both parts are working together they can do well but if one breaks then they no longer work. I have to learn to accept what is mine and not what belongs to someone else. Remove the thorn from my own eye before trying to help someone else remove theirs. We have a tendency to judge and point the finger at the other and bitch that they are not doing their part instead of accepting our own responsibilities and fixing what is broke in ourselves.  

This fear based thinking is what has divided us. We are all just little cliques now. Each wanting to force their way and beliefs on to others. We say things like if your not with me your against me. Really? Why? And better yet How? We have been taught this thinking. We must change it. That fear based thought alone has destroyed families, friends and nations. 

My dad invested a majority of his life into his retirement. Every now and then him and my step mom go on a trip but 90% of the time I talk to him he is at home just watching the TV. The sad part about that is that because he never invested in me like he did for his retirement I feel that he traded me in for a fucking TV.

But it is what it is. He has to live his life the way he see's fit to do so for him and I have to live mine the way I see fit for me. If I judge him I will ultimately be judging myself. So I have to be careful of how I separate others garbage that I have collected with my own. Some what of a painful process. Because it requires absolute honesty with ones self. Something that many of us find difficult. We all do good and we all do bad. Not all can face what they have done. However not facing it means repeating it.

As I go through and relieve somethings I really rather forget I find myself procrastinating. I know its a fear based thought and I know I have to continue in order to get well. I tend to re-grab things that I really don't want to let go of. Its hard for me to stop. It's like seeing you are about to be in a wreck but cant do anything but watch it. I have to constantly remember to keep what is mine and get rid of the rest. Fix those things that are broke in me and let others make their own choices. Give them full free will as the father has given me. 

I admit I don't like others choices at times as I know others don't care for myne. I am becoming more conscience to not judge them and to only judge my own thoughts. And not my thoughts of them but my thoughts of fear.

A few different times in my life I was religious. I believed in the bible and the image of God it gives us. I don't remember if I ever went to church when mom and dad were together or not. I do remember I had to go when I was in Bethesda. I even remember going when I first moved in with dad before going to Youth Estate. We could go to church when I was in Youth Estate and did often. We were not allowed to participate or go to Sunday school. We could get the message and then go back to the woods. We loved going to church not because of the message but because of the girls. I remember a few times trying to reach out to a few girls. When your between 11 and 16 and live in the woods with a bunch of guys then girls were a great distraction.

I remember one Sunday standing in line for inspection. I had on my best Sunday outfit shirt tucked in shoes cleaned and shined. I however didn't have a belt. I don't know why I didn't I just remember I didn't. I was told to go to the tool shed and get a shovel and start digging up the grease trap outside the kitchen. I did as I was told and started digging the trap up. A bit later others showed up however they had all been allowed to change back into regular clothes seeing this I decided that I would go change. As I started to walk to the cottage that we had our lockers at and showered from the group leader asked me where I was going I told him I am going to change clothes he told me negative now get back on the shovel. 

I don't know how many people are familiar with a grease trap but its one of the nastiest smelling things you will ever encounter. Its a smell that has to wear off over a few day period. Once in your clothes you may as well through them out. One the grease will get in your washer and ruin other clothes you wash after that but two the smell never seems to come out. So for the next year I wasn't allowed to go to church. I had no other Sunday clothes and no way to get any.

When I did get back to church the focus once again was the girls and not God. After I left Youth Estate I didn't go to church for awhile. It wasn't until I was near my mid 20's before I went to a church again. I went for a few months and just dropped out. I even got into Wicca during that period. Learned somethings that started me really questioning who God is. I wasn't much into making potions or casting spells I was more intrigued with the philosophy. I didn't return again to church until I was about 35. I moved in with my dad who insisted I go to church. 

I stayed active in the church through out my marriage. I wanted to be a good dad and husband and made sure we went every Sunday. My wife and I joined a few small groups and tried to journey with this image of God. When my wife left I ended up leaving the church again.

After I got out all my Fuck you's to God and decided that the church was just a place for those who can afford it. I mean the church I went to had the motto “Real Relevant Relational” Yeah they were relational but just with their chosen few. Not one of them bothered to call me or come by and visit to check on me or see if I needed anything. It was though I never existed to them. I wrote the pastor a letter explaining my grief and instead of him writing me back he had his flunky assistant pastor do it. 

As I look back over my religious life I see that it was necessary for me in order to actually get a relationship with the one known as God. Not the bible image of him but the actual. You see the bible is a fear based book. Its used in a fear based way “Worship God or else burn in hell” And God is not based in fear. He is based in love. 

Understanding who your higher power is rather you called them God, Father or Mother. I am learning to use a more personal word than that. Friend. You see my friend is showing me new things and a new direction to take in my journey. As I go through the garbage in my closet its this friend who is there supporting and encouraging me to do so. 

When we start cleaning out things we need to remember to try and not do it alone. Something I have trouble with which is one of the reasons I started this blog. To remind myself to get it out. 

13

Sometimes something happens that you wish to never speak of again. I have had several of those moments in my life. More than I care for to be quite honest. I've briefly stated that I lived in the woods for three years. The second boys home I went to was called Youth Estates. It was being run by a psychiatrist at the time. He had approval to try out a new program taking troubled teens out of society and then slowly reintroducing them back. I guess the thought behind this was fuck I don't know to be honest I can speculate but that doesn't mean its right.

I had been living with my Dad for about 7 months since he took me out of my first boys home. I was successful at getting negative attention from him. I tried several times in a positive way but that never got me anywhere with him. But the negative that got his fucking attention. I came home one day with a bad report card and my Dad did as he always did told me to go to his room drop my pants and he will be there in a minute. He beat me and then threw me out of the house told me he wasn't going to have a dumb ass living with him. Having no where to go I just walked the streets for awhile. I ran into some friends and we played for a bit and then they went home and I wondered what I was going to eat. About that time an officer saw me and pulled up next to me. He could see the fresh bruises from the belt my dad just beat me with on my arm and part on my neck. 

I don't really remember how the conversation went I just remember the guy taking me all the way out to burger king by exit 3. I was fucking hungry. He got me some food and we headed back to downtown St'marys where the police station was. He took me in the station and a Lady was there and she started talking to me and they had me remove my shirt and she started taking pictures.
I ended up going to my second foster home that night. I had been in one prior to going to Bethesda boys home in Savannah Georgia. I remember having some stuff in a suitcase at dads girlfriends house where all this happened at. When I got my suitcase it was empty. I asked about the stuff in it and the lady said that's all dad gave her. 

I stayed in foster care pretty much until a week before going to Youth Estate. I was then in custody of my Dad once again. We already knew I was going there so it was mostly just getting the stuff I was told I would need. 

I still remember that day I walked in there. Dad had decided dumb asses didn't need hair so he got me a crew cut. So I was basically bald I was scared and I had no idea of what to expect. I mean I had some idea having already been in one boys home but this was way different. Yeah it had cottages like Bethesda and that kind of thing but I was being placed out in the woods to live in an 8x12 plywood cabin. I got introduced to my group and said my goodbyes and off into the woods we went. 

The first night was a defining moment in my life. You see I was 11 when I went to Youth Estate. I had turned 11 in the foster home I was in. This was just before Christmas. I was puny and the older bigger boys took their turn. I remember thinking why was I so horrible that my parents didn't want me anymore. What did I do to make them move away from each other? Why was I even fucking born? A question I still ask my self regrettably. 

I suffered a great humiliation and unfortunately it wasn't the only time. Anyways there was another thing that would happen it was called the circle. Basically the group leaders (adults paid to watch us) would leave camp and the boys would put you in the circle and punch, kick, cuss and even hit with sticks. I remember when I was getting my ass kicked by everyone that I had the thought I hope they kill me. I was already tired of being here. I had nothing, no one and no where to go.

Sometimes holding them in and not talking about them are more damaging then the events themselves. I have fully recovered from the physical abuse but the mental that is another story all together. I'm a communicator. When I deny myself who I am then I just fall apart. I've kept so much garbage in and I don't even know how to start pitching it. So I'm just pitching. 

While this is a very painful moment for me not only in my own history but to relive the events. I know that if I try to keep these things in they are only going to destroy what is left of me. And honestly I'm just holding on by a thread as it is.  Every day is a constant battle for me anymore. Do I decide to care enough to hold on or do I just do it. 

I would encourage anyone who has dealt with similar issues to please find people to talk to. Listen to them and help them help you. Do not spend your life suffering as I do and taking it out on everyone. We are not hopeless or helpless. We just have no fucking clue of what to do. Physically I'm a 45 year old man but emotionally I'm still that 11 year old boy who is scared to fucking death.

I'm not sure whats going to happen to me. I know what I desire but my weakness is steadfast. How does one find value in themselves when they have lost it? I really don't fucking know. Words alone will not do.

12

Being on break for the fourth of July at the camp was fun. I got a few more pictures and for the most part really enjoyed the time. I actually came back and didn't wake up in a negative mood either so that was another plus :) I have been deciding what I need to write and how to write it knowing that it was going to be a little bit before I got the chance to do so. 

Having so much time outdoors in nature has allowed me to really start to communicate with the father. Now I didn't do so when I was there but since I've been back yeah its like a flow of communication has taken root. We have so many preconceived notations of who the father is based on a book written and translated by man and his best educated guess. While the bible is inspired by the father its not his only word. The father wants a personal relationship with you which means it must be at your level. He will come to you if you open your heart and clear your mind. Remove all the negative energy and replace it with sincere gratitude. Its not easy I know I still struggle on a daily basis with it. 

Allow yourself to see taste feel and hear the words the father has for you. He knows you heart and your desires and wants you to have those things. However you have to communicate with him and not the image of him we call the bible. We declared its Gods word and therefor we use it as an image of God one of the no no's in the ten commandments just so you know ;)

The father understands where we are physically, mentally and spiritually. He knows how to communicate with us at our level and he understands how to reveal himself to us so that we can see. We often place him on a pedestal which by the way he cannot stand. He is simply the father and like any good father he wants his children to live in love and be happy. He wants us to open a free line of communication with him so he can help us to learn to achieve the things we desire by showing us how to truly live in love and gratitude. 

In order to do this though we must start removing the fear based thinking we have instilled into our hearts since birth. We must remove all that we know and allow the father to show us the things we need to know. When Jesus came he tried to tell the leaders that its about a relationship with the father not a relationship with the rules. We have been taught our whole lives we must follow the rules, but who's rules? The father gave us no rules only free will. Yes there are ten commandments they could be his or maybe they are not. We truly do not know because we truly never questioned. We took it for face value cause that is what everyone has done before us. So as tradition goes we just blindly hold on.

Its a fear based thinking mechanism we have all built in ourselves that keep us from understanding who our father, mother, God or Goddess are. You see the father will come to you as he or she chooses. 

As I go on this journey I have stated several times I am not concerned with the destination. I have to understand that each step I take in the journey is another wonderful opportunity to become the person I desire to be. If I focus on the destination then my thoughts are based on the results and that can lead back to fearful thinking taking me further away from that which I desire. Understand though the desire I am talking about is not a lust in my heart. Desire is strictly about who you choose to be. Its not about materiel things but its about spiritual ones. Desiring to have a million dollars or that hot person down the road is not a desire but a fear driven lust.

I have to allow the father to show me the ways to clear my fear based thoughts and replace them with love something I'm not always willing to do. Not because I don't desire the change just because sometimes I don't want to care anymore. Its times like these I need to communicate more with the father. I just simply chose not to at those moments. 

When I do though vast improvements do happen. We all have the ability to listen and speak with the father of our understanding. We must chose to do so. While I am becoming more and more spiritual I'm still just a baby with the maturity of it. I have been given a great gift of knowledge and wisdom but maturity wasn't part of the package :p 

As we go through our own personal evolution we must be honest always with ourselves and stay true to what our heart truly desires. Which is always love based. 

Carry me more into the journey

let me not go astray

keep me lifted 

help guide my way

give me nothing

deliver me through all

a million praises I give

for things being the way they are.

-the frog :)

11

Yesterday I got to do something I haven't done in almost a year and that was cook a Boston butt out on the grill. For those of you who do not know what that is its a pork shoulder roast. I slow cooked it for about 7 hours and it just fell of the bone and was so moist and tender mmmm just cant wait for lunch now :)

Having some time to think about things in my life and what I need to do with certain things has given me time to understand where my fear comes from. My dad was dating a lady back in the early 80's she had two boys of her own. Me and the other two boys one day decided we were going to have a car wash business. So we made up signs and actually made a few dollars. We were so proud of ourselves for accomplishing something. My dad decided that since we were a business that we needed to understand and appreciate what it takes to run a business so he ended up with all our money and gave us a bill for the soap we used and for the water. 

While I was too young to understand it at the time when I look back I can see that was one of those defining moments in my life. When I realized that My dad was a greedy bastard. He spent a majority of his life investing into his retirement. To bad I never meant enough for him to invest in me like that.

My mom well she just married another alcoholic and spent most of the next 15 years on the road going from place to place sending me letters that I would reply to and inevitably get back with a no forwarding address. She never recovered from that life and is in suffering for it now. She spent her whole life investing in other men again to bad I didn't mean enough to her to invest in.

Both my parents gave up in life when their expectations were not met and I suffered for it. My Dad Mr Responsible is disgusted that he worked for 50 years of his life and now has to pay for someone like my Mom who gets disability because of her lifestyle choices. While the part of me who somewhat grew up under him I do understand his point of view I also understand that we all make someone else pay for our mistakes. I mean after all I grew up in boys homes and foster homes because of someone's mistake.

I never felt I was worthy of anything my whole life because I wasn't worth having parents. I was put out in the woods for 3 years taken completely out of society. We had to earn the privilege to take a trip to town. Then we were limited to where we could go and who we could talk to. Many of days I sat in a small wood cabin that we built watching the rain wondering why I was such a bad kid that no one wanted. I remember getting picked on and tripped up by the bigger boys. I can still hear the laughter of some of the Group Leaders (people hired to make sure we didn't kill each other) when I would get that treatment. I wasn't the only one there were about 5 of us who were pretty small. We were always targets. 

I guess I'm bringing this up because its one of those things I cannot seem to let go of. I don't wish to keep it just don't know how to get rid of it. I don't wish to dwell on things that cannot be changed but I lack the confidence in myself. I'm a very insecure person who has major trouble seeing value in himself. 

I wanted to have a life with someone I loved dearly but now I realize I was in no shape to have a life with anyone. While I'm still very remorseful that I hurt her I'm very grateful that I didn't do more damage than I would have done had we got together the way I wanted.

I don't know if she will ever forgive me I just know I have to forgive myself and move on the best I can. But I do so miss you Michele. 

Understanding where my fear steams from will help me be able to replace it with love. While I do admit at this point I'm not sure how that is going to happen I do know without my effort nothing will happen.

I am continuing to move forward the best I can and with some good guidance, patience and a lot of love I'll get there. I need to let go but I guess I have to do it at its time and not myne.