139

While the past couple of weeks have been hard on me I did not fall backwards instead I made another leap forward. Yes I allowed someone elses personality to affect my own disorder. I started instantly thinking negatively which told me I am taking things way to personally still.

I am so grateful for the highers who have been one of the main reasons I have been able to manage. The other reason is Melissa who challenged me to change that thinking pattern and remember everyone has their own issues and not all is about me.

I do seem to take it more personal if a woman has an issue with me than a man. I am assuming that has to do with the rejection my mother gave me. I have had the past 24 hours to myself which was very much needed for me to be able to regain my strength to continue this evolutionary journey.

The book is not closed and I continue to move forward even if I fall down. I just get up and go again. While I will not apologize for my seemingly down fall I do say that its all part of releasing the old and starting the new.

Besides the highers three other people have been very helpful even if they havent seen that yet. Of course they are Lisa, Melissa and Michele. I am just so grateful for their continued support of me and sticking with me against all the odds.

I just have to remember to appreciate what I do have and not worry about what I don’t and honestly that is a very very hard thing for me to do. However I do what I must to continue to become a better me.

Peace my dear friends and my you always see a way to grow :)

138

I really feel like I have out stayed my welcome on this planet. The only thing that seems to matter to some is what I can do for them other than that I feel like I’m just useless trash that doesn’t deserve to be in the same world as the rest of you.

I’m sorry that I have been deemed not worthy of breathing your good air. I’m not sure what I did in my previous life but apparently it was very bad and I don’t deserve to have any life.

I wanted so much to be able to change my perspective however it seems that there are energies against this. I’m so grateful for the place I stay but I feel so unwelcomed by a certain party and I just don’t know If I can continue to live this way.

I’m sorry I grew up in the swamps of Georgia and that we had to use an outhouse and had not convenient running water to always clean ourselves. I’m sorry I grew up in a world you truly will never be able to understand and I pray that it never happens to anyone else.

I’m sorry my mother deemed me unfit for love and therefore all others have as well. Again all I can do is say I’m sorry for doing that which I do not know I have done.

Forgive me for interfering with your lives and being such a burden on this world. I honestly wasn’t ready for the expectations that have been placed upon me.  

137

Sometimes I get reminded of just how important my feelings and thoughts are. Now I will admit my timing isn’t always the best but I do feel I deserve some bit of respect but again maybe I am having an expectation I don’t deserve to have.

I have been kicked ever since I came into this world. I’m not sure of the wrong I have done before that caused me to have such a horrible experience with life. I feel like i’m nothing more than a slave who is at the mercy of others who can never understand the experience's I have lived through.

Not only can they not relate they just really seem to not give a damn either. Its just another reminder to me of how our humanity has been lost. I’m sorry I am not deemed worthy of this life and I am sorry that I even appeared. I’m so so very sorry your world hates me and see no good in me.

I have done so much to change myself however I get treated like i’m lower than life and honestly maybe I am. I really don’t know anymore.

I was off my meds for 5 days and its seems to have taken much longer than the first time to readjust. I am uncertain of anything anymore. While I am so grateful I am also so disapointed that I chose to even experience life. I am just so confused anymore of who or what I am supposed to be to people. I really hate life and I’m sorry if that upsets people but honestly I’m tired of the cruelity.

Please forgive me for wanting to enjoy a life that apparently most people feel I am unworthy of. :(

I thank the highers for being with me though these difficult times and I only pray that they continue to do so.