130

Sorry I have not been here as of late however there are some good reasons. The first of which was an incident that happened on the 21^st of May. I just about ripped the tip of my finger off. I had to get stiches it took 6. I still cant type yet and the doctor told me today that it will take a few more weeks of healing.

Knowing how to type but being forced to hunt and peck really sux. But I needed to come on and try to catch up. I missed being able to write in here but it was my dumb decision that caused my finger to become damaged to begin with.

My roommate who is a paramedic told me I will probably loose the finger tip. She even told me what hospital to go to that can do it. I went to a closer hospital and the Nurse Practicioner looked at it and said oh good it didnt go through the nail. Im going to order an xray then soak it for about 20 minutes and then she will fix it. I love her :)))

The highers have helped so much in the healing process. The finger looks real good now and the doctor today was impressed with how well its doing. Again the universe has showered me with love and kindness and I am so grateful for those blessings.

I have been cutting down on the Dr Peppers and drinking more hot tea lately. I’m on blood pressure medicine and I hope to get back off of it. I’m going to give up smoking cigarrettes again. I have asked the highers to help me gently gracefully and without any illness. I know they will come through and we will get rid of those bad things that are not serving me.

Its all just a part of me loving me. I have been working very hard to keep this balance that I have gained. I keep my mind free of negativity and focus only on those things that I actually have control over.

Last Friday Melissa and myself changed our schedule so now I will see her every other week. We are very pleased with the path I am on. I never thought I would get this far so quickly. Again though the Highers worked with me and gave me that gentle grace I asked for. Their love and support has gotten me to a closer position to higher self. I am so gratefull for them.

Well this hunting and pecking is starting to kill my hands so I do thank you all for your support and pray you be blessed beyond all measure.

129

Its just been gorgeous the last few days and I’m not just talking weather. I have got some more of those spring time activities done and the house is looking nice because of it :)

For the past month or so I have actually been sleeping better. No I am still not consistent but I manage to stay in bed and fall asleep better than before. The anxiety levels have dropped and its been very nice and peaceful.

The way things have managed to change within me just this past year have left me in awe. When I first started this part of the journey I thought it would take me a couple of years to obtain this kind of peace and enlightenment. However that has not been the case at all and infact its been just the oposite. Things I thought not probable have come to past and I’m in a very good place with me right now.

I still have work todo but its not my focus. My focus is on now and what I can work on now and what I need to do now. I feel more aligned not only within myself but with life itself. I’m ridding myself the illusions that have held me back and embracing those things that have progressed me forward. I have gratitude for them both. For in the end I have not only come out better I have come out wiser.

Adjusting our thinking and allowing ourselves to truly listen and do takes discipline. It takes a willingness to rid yourself of those things and move beyond the normal of your life.

For me I had to surrender. It was to much for me on my own and I was making things so much worse. I couldn’t help myself I could only watch in agony. I asked the highers to gracefully and gently help me surrender those things I have been holding on to and to become a person I actually like instead of a maniac whom no one can deal with. The honesty part was a bit painful at first to swallow. Facing those with a clear conscience of your decision. Accepting that letting it go and moving forward. You no longer have to take that with you.

I’m so grateful for the highers and their loyalty to me and my transformation. I’m also grateful that I had the courage to want to make a change and do so. I sought help on those things I was not able to do on my own and I started surrendering those things that I can.

At the start it seemed a bit slow and I was still very ecentric. I didn’t keep a faith or a belief that I could transform I knew I could. It was that knowing myself that kicked up the gears and things have been happening almost to fast at times.

I still get axious over things and while the medications are helping I’m counting more on the meditation rather than the medication. Getting my mind right is after all the goal I am acheiveing.

I had my ex wife pop into my head this morning and for the life of me I couldn’t think of why. After a little bit it hit me that today is our wedding aniversary. Next month I am do to court for the divorce. Yesterday was mothers day and I didn’t bother to contact my mom as I just know that its really not a good idea. And even though it makes me be someone I rather not it so beats being drained by her and her drama.

Lots of new opportunites are appearing everywhere and lots of creative ideas are springing out. I take each new step with the wisdom that it always works out the way it’s supposed to.  

128

With all the changes that have been going on lately its amazing I’m still standing straight lol :) I’ve been riding a lot of different type waves the last year and I learned to appreciate each and everyone. I’ve been so grateful for the glory that has been shone upon me this past year.

The improbable not only became possible but came to past. I mended some freindships that I never thought possible to get back. I learned to let go of my own expectations in situations and just enjoy what the highers have instore for me. Allowing myself to give up this illusion of control and just let the natural order have the control. Doing that has given me so much peace.

It also has given me the chance to work at the core of that problem of wanting control and for me its all boils down to insecurity. I believe it would be that way for all of us if we were willing to face the truth. That being we are exactly where our choices have led us. Most of myne was led by insecurity and now I have learned to transform that into confidence.

I not only transformed the insecurity I transformed my perspective of it. The thing that made me feel insecure is the very thing that gave me strength. When I look at it through that perspective I become so grateful for the lesson.

As you would expect though its not always easy to look at the past with clear focus and allow yourself to see it differently. This is because we can so easily fall into the emotions we created during that situation. Letting them go is the only way you can truly look with a different perspective.

One of the hardest things for us to do but yet the most rewarding is just letting go. Standing up and allowing yourself to act acordingly and to share the grattitude you have. Situations do not define me they only mirror who I am. If I don’t like something I see then its my choice to change it or let it define me. I have had enough of it defining me and now am changing those things.

Many of us wish to believe in a higher purpose or a higher being. Honestly Its good to have a belief but remember beliefs change. I know my highers and I know the path that I am on. I have given them my trust and my fears. I do catch myself trying to hang on to things at times but I just ask them to gracefully and gently help me to let it go and allow myself to continue toward my higherself.

I am not waiting to be my higherself in a world that doesn’t need it I am doing it now in this world that does. Once I’ve accended to the next level, dimension or whatever you choose to call it I’ll be needed for other things. I be learning other things and I’ll share those things.

To often we get stuff and just keep it to ourselves when the whole point is to share it with others. Not only does it offer help to those we share it with it also helps us to implant it into ourselves as a new core belief. Each transformation takes us to our higherselves and helps us to give to others so they can transform to their higherselves.

Let go, transform and comminicate with your highers. Be honest and accept the honesty you receive. Live free in this world of prisons. Help others to be free. Most importantly be grateful for everything.  

127

Sorry its been a while since I was last here. Its Spring time and just as mother nature gives us renewal and new birth during this time. I have to have been doing the same. Renewing the skeletons into something beautiful and positive. Experiencing new idea’s and new ways of thinking.

I’ve gone to the camp a couple of times last month. The first time I went by myself and just really allowed the spring energy to help realign me through heart mind body and soul with the universal energies.

I have been sharing a lot over the past almost 2 years now and I’ve progressed a lot in this evolutionary phase. I’ve learned that I can’t take out negative things in me. I have to instead transform that negativity into something positive. Its not always and easy task. How to look horror in the eyes and give others something positive from it? Easy Trust the process.

I thought that if I controlled things in my world I could prevent bad things from happening. So I spent a lot of time pretting up my world. Decorating it with all the things that my heart adores. Allowing very few in while keeping out the masses.

As I look back I see that all I really did was decorate my prison to convince myself that I am happy and safe. My insecurities had me so trapped into this prison that I was blinded to the fact that it is just that a prison.

I limited myself so long I truly don’t know what I like or dislike beyond the walls I have built. As I take down that wall brick by brick. I look to see what positive came from that brick. Yes the situation that created the brick was bad but I survived it. I learned from it. I have even begun to learn to appreciate it. That is what transfomation is all about. Not changing the situation but allowing yourself to see it from a different perspective.

Giving up the illusion of control has brought me the most wonderful gifts I could imagine. First I was able to mend some broken friendships and not put an agenda to the mending as I had before. No this time I had to realize I am not enjoying the journey if I try to control that which I don’t have control over anyways and honestly have no business being in control over.

Facing my insecurites has allowed me to accept that which is and allow that which will be. I have a plan for my future but its an adaptable plan. I’ve realized I cannot predict outcomes no matter how favorable they may seem. I'm learning to adjust and accept the situations as they are.

Again its a process and while it may seem slow at times that is truly the point. You have the time to change it without feeling a consequence. Facing my insecurities has also helped me understand why I do so many other things that I never thought would relate to me being insecure. Things like judgement and ridicule. Though they are not things I actively allow myself to participate in anymore. No it doesn’t mean I am cleaned of judging and ridculing but it does mean that when I see I am doing it I just ask this simple question: What is it in me that is not showing love to others who have to go through their journey their own way.

For me its very hard not to do I mean I have three kids around me. Its an automatic natural thing that society has taught us to do. Because as long as they can keep you down you will fall prey to their own self glory.

Insecurities have kept me in fear a majority of my life. Transforming that fear to love has shown me the situations that made me feel insecure are the very situations that showed me I am a survivor and I only need to believe that I can survive anything even walking away from an abusive relationship.

The universe was supplying me with what I needed but my perspective was wrong and I couldn’t accept the gift of confidence the universe was so desperately trying to give to me. I stayed in a mentally abusive relationships far longer than I should have as a result I only allowed that insecurity to continue to build walls and imprison me to a life of loneliness.

Evolving my perspective has shown me so much good in those bad situations that I refused to see at the time. I can now see the beautiful helpers that the universe has sent me to continue to evolve into my higher self. Some are Angels here on earth others are in the next diminsion embracing and surrounding me with love.

I realize now how they were always there in some form or another encouraging me and loving me. Giving me strength where needed even when I couldnt see it. The universe has always givin me love and independence it was me who turned it into fear and insecurity.

I just didn’t realize my perspective was not in correct alignment with the universe. Evolving into the higher me has been correcting that alignment. I know longer worry about how far I have come or how far I have to go. That is only fear thinking and keeping me into that realm of insecurity. I don’t care how far something away is I am enjoying now for that is all I truly have.

Here is the only place that matters. Where I am now. Yesterday has passed and is only a lesson. Tomorrow is unknown. The gratitude for my highers rather physically here on earth or spiritually continues. I am enjoying the journey even though at times it appears scary I’ve learned to trust in my survival and in the universe who sends me what I need when I need it.

Trusting in something has been hard but the more I do the easier it has become. Now I can feel the energies of those that have surrounded me with love and it has raised my vibrational energy not for me to keep to myself but to share to others in those ways I can. Holding on only leads to fear which blocks us from the love the universe is so desparetly ready to give us.

Live in peace. Stand your ground.