118

With all the weird energy that has been going around and how its affected me personally I’m amazed that I have any kind of sanity left lol. I disabled my facebook again as the weird energy has left me a little bit more vulnerable to the negativity of all the drama on facebook.

Me not wanting to go back to that place decided to take care of me and leave it behind for a bit. In the overall though I have to say I feel much better. I’m doing much better as a result. I still have my moments and sometimes they can get pretty deep into that negative void but the highers and I have managed to keep me from sinking again and that is major improvement for me.

Recently something happened that just six months ago I wouldn’t have thought possible. I have to say its really helping me to keep my focus on where I choose to be and its given me a big boost in my overall attitude.

Last October I wrote a letter to Michele that was not actually for Michele. I wrote it for my therapist Melissa so she could understand where I was at and to help me let go. Knowing at this time I had completely destroyed the friendship I had just wanted to try and move on. So I sent the letter to Melissa and I don’t remember when maybe the next day the though hit me like a ton of bricks that I need to mail that to Michele. I thought no fucking way. I have hurt that lady enough and I’m sure she never wants to hear from me again and probably wont read it anyways. So I did this for about two to three days before I finally said ok fuck it this is what I am going to do. I’m going to flip a coin heads I mail it tails I delete it.

It landed on heads. I smoked a bowl and thought no I can’t do this I fucked it all up and I can’t do anything to cause her sorrow again. But I said if it landed on heads I would mail it so I did.

The first shock was that she read it the second was she replied. She after a few emails back and forth agreed to try once more with our friendship. So for the past few months we have been emailing back and forth and its been nice. I have been focusing on my healing and bettering myself and she has her world going on.

We have been working on rebuilding the friendship and its paying off. We sent a few emails back and forth the other day and we joked and had fun something I had not done in about 2 years. It felt great. She has been keeping in touch more this go around and I do believe its because I have shown her that I am very serious about the changes I am making despite my disease. Of course it could be something else entirely as well shit who knows lol

I am just so grateful for such a friend as her. For her to even talk to me after the things I did is a true show of her character. A lady of integrity. Of course in some ways it makes me feel worse when I think about those actions however I don’t dwell on that and I realize just how blessed I am that this lady has given me the chance to move beyond that.

As I said before this year started great things are in store for me and they are producing some fruit. In a few weeks I see the Judge for my Divorce, I have made great progress with my friend in rebuilding our friendship and there is more on the way. I’m not sure exactly what but I do know its all going to be just awesome and what I need.

I also have been rebuilding another friendship I lost but haven’t put as much effort into it mostly do to my insecurities and listening to those voices in my head that keep reminding me of what I did there as well. However since I’m not on Facebook and probably wont be for a bit do to the drama that can drag me in. I will just have to let happen what is going to happen in that friendship.

The only bad thing about leaving fb again is that sometimes people post funny shit that helps me laugh when I need a good one. I’m just not currently strong enough to block the negativity at this point.

Well again the journey takes me to the unexpected. I’m learning to embrace each moment and take it day by day. Its not always easy and I don’t always wish to cooperate however I’m just doing it. I’m letting my actions dictate my feelings not my feelings dictate my actions.

I give thanks to all that have supported me and been with me through all the garbage. And while I still have a ton of garbage to get through I know that I have a few true friends out there that are supporting and encouraging me and I again just thank you.  

117

Shifts have been happening not only to me and my world but to the world as a whole. Weird energy is surrounding us all and personally its just keeping me guessing. One moment I can be doing good and the next I feel like I’m as worthless as tits on a boar hog.

I see the state of our world and it saddens me to think we put value on that which doesn’t really matter and took it away from that which should. Irony is that it happens on the personal level as well. We put value in inadequate thoughts about ourselves. We believe the horrid lies that surface about us and we try to run further away from who we think we are.

Corporations make laws and the Government forces them on us. Because lets face it this guy making millions of dollars is more important that any persons life. Insurance companies take our money then dictate to us what they will and will not cover. Bullshit you take my money you do as I fucking say not me do as you say. But the sad truth is the Government has allowed insurance companies this very right.

CEO’s of companies making millions every year yet a majority of their work force needs some kind of Government assistance. God forbid the Government actually make these CEO assholes take a cut in pay to ensure better pay for their employees. No the Assholes in the Government just accept their piece of the pie and then piss in our face.

But its not like we are ready to give up the convinces they have blinded us with. Those chains that keeps us happily and ignorantly bonded into this slavery. We give away our freedom for a lousy cell phone.

They have drugged us with these simple toys. And we march happily toward the meat grinder they are corraling us to. They tell us what we can and cannot do to our body’s. They demand that we be obedient little sheep. Sound familiar? They are God now.

From 1920 to 1933 our Government had made alcohol consumption illegal in the United States. It of course failed. Then just 40 years later they are at it again. This time with drugs. Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

In the late 1930’s Popular Mechanics magazine had did a story on a machine that would process hemp faster making it the number 2 fabric in the world. At this time Dupont Chemical has just got patents on plastic and on its pulp process. Of course they lobbied so they could make money and not care about what their crap will do to our planet.

Lets not forget to mention that Marijuana also causes one to think independently. Something our Government cant afford. Free independent thinkers. Again does this remotely sound familiar?

But the times are a changing and now Marijuana is becoming more acceptable and has grown into a major business. Not only supplying a revenue source for those states that have allowed it but also doing what the 40 year war on drugs could not and that is really put a hurting on the cartels. Simply put Marijuana is no longer imported so these cartels are not getting the money they were getting and its hurting them.

Our Government though has it still listed as illegal. Why? Do they want drug cartels? Do they want to keep us from having the money to give our children a better education? Do they prefer a us to be opiate addicts? Allowing stuff like Oxycontin that has turned people into straight up heroin addicts.

So where does that leave me? How do I change the world? By just changing myself. Its time we make them work for us. Its time we stop living for the unimportant and start realizing the blessing we are throwing away everyday because we allow others to control how we are going to live our lives.

The above is only an example of us giving away our freedom. Why are we allowing this? Are we afraid to take control of ourselves because we will have to be responsible for ourselves? I can’t answer why. I’m still trying to figure out all the ways I allow others to control me. Again though all I can do is change myself.

Evolving into an enlightened state means putting away those worldly things. I’m part of something bigger than this mere earth. I’m a part of the universal brotherhood.

116

These past few weeks especially I have been feeling a lot more sensitive and I find myself taking things a lot more personally. I know part of it is just my disease. The part of taking things extremely personal. The past few days I have not been in a good place mentally.

I have been questioning my self worth and I haven’t been doing to well with it. I know its a core belief that I am working very hard on changing. My problem is that it’s getting the better of me at the moment. The past few days I have not felt very worthy.

Its very hard for me at the moment as I am struggling with not taking things so personally as I know that those people are not meaning any harm to me its just that I’m dealing with sensations I haven’t really felt before and I don’t know what the fuck they are yet.

Its hard because the side of me that is taking things so personally wants to just lash out at everyone. While the more affectionate side is doing everything it can to keep me calm and understanding. Its a dichotomy.

We often take advantage of where we are at with our level of understanding especially when communicating to others. We often forget that they are in a different place than we are. We forgot to change our perspective to understand theirs. I still do that with christians mostly, but do find I expand that to others as well. It goes back to trying to be in control of that which I am not.

I’m realizing that everyone has to grow at their own pace and they have to believe or not believe in whatever gets them to where they need to be. Their journey is not myne. My journey is not theirs. I know how I learn not how they learn.

Someone believes something because for them that is what they need. Christians believe in their version of God because that is what they need. I believe in my version because that is what I need. My chosen experiences are not based on their belief’s but my own as their experiences are not based on myne.

As we awaken we see things in ways that can’t easily be explained to those who are still asleep. Learning how to not only learn this new perspective that is opening to us but to also allow ourselves to understand someone elses perceptive and understand that both are right.

For you at your experience level your perspective is right for you but not necessarily right for me and vice versa. Allowing ourselves to see both sides of the coin is not instinctively natural. We each have a world of expectations to prove this.

If we are to truly grow we must let go of the expectations we have. We must learn how others learn so we can teach them in a way they will understand and appreciate. In doing so we can then really start to break the chains we have bound to ourselves.

We must remember everyone learns differently and we all have our own understanding of things. When we disagree with someones perspective we should approach them about it in a way that allows them to feel they are teaching us. Until we are able to put aside our limited views we cannot allow ourselves to be open to the others veiws.

Having those who’s perspectives we don't understand feel like they are teaching us doesn’t leave them with a feeling of belittlement. After all love does not leave one feeling worse. I’m choosing to live in love as I understand it however I am doing what I can to expand that understanding. I again thank the highers for encouraging me to grow.

115

Sometimes when you look back its hard to see the good that came from the negative events. The events that took place that shaped the perspective of life that we now have. Sometimes that perspective is not the best for us and we have to look back and figure out what the good was that we did get from it.

I don’t know exactly why I grew up in boys homes and foster homes however I do know that my parents were not up to the task of being parents so maybe in someways even as bad as it was maybe it kept me from being in a much worse situation.

I have gone through this life never feeling worthy of anything do to the rejection I got from my parents and now I am trying to turn that negative core belief around and realize I was too worthy for them.

I also had to realize that not everything is as it seems. And sometimes things are exactly as they seem. Its up to me to decipher which is which. I made an honest commitment to myself to do better and become the higher me I deserve to be. Its not always easy to strive to be better especially when your not sure what its all about.

As I look to the inner of my being the scared little boy is still very hurt. I am unsure of how to completely heal him. I don’t even know if I can. The world has shown its cruelty and the boy couldn’t handle it. We buried ourselves to hide our shame.

Maybe I deserved the rapes and beatings. Maybe I was an asshole in an earlier life I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. I only have now. I’m not sure what to do with it though.

My eyes have seen what has become of life and it sickens me. We are so cruel to each other as we preach love and peace. But we only want love and peace as long as you don’t touch my piece of the pie. We place more value over objects than we do others. I see this and it only reinforces the anger of the scared little boy.

I’m becoming more sensitive as I get older and more in tune to my higher self. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Its a wonderful thing but its also a whole other pain. My heart is so shattered that the more sensitive I become the more I wonder if it can ever be healed.

I’m tired of wanting the improbable. I just don’t understand what is probable anymore. I feel trapped and don’t know how to move. How do I let go of that which keeps holding me down?

What is love and how do I do it? I thought I had an idea of what it was once but life has shown me that my ideas are unrealistic. How do I give something when I don’t know how or what it even is?

I don’t know maybe I’m just a lunatic. A dreamer who doesn’t know how to awaken. I feel alone and think how does the creator feel being set apart from everyone. Do I have this feeling because I am closer to them or do I have this feeling because I’m not close enough?

Forgive my waste. I know not what I do. I am rising but have no clue where I am going. I’m doing my best trying not to control that which is not in my power to control. I am doing what I can to focus on those things I can control.

The thoughts of confusing becoming the beast in my head. I strive to move forward with purpose. Still the pain is there and I don’t know what it needs to heal. What have I missed? What prevents me from being able to see?

Oh my great highers thank you for your council and guidance however I seemed to have missed something or I’m missing it now. Please graciously and lovingly help me to see. I have a spec in my eye.

How do I rejoice in the pain that prompts growth?  

114

I know its been a bit since my last entry and I am sorry I really haven’t had much to report. I finally heard from the court about my divorce so now I have a date and time. Its next month.

I’ve been doing ok just havent had much to say. Just taking things day by day and doing what I can when I can. I can start to see the wheels turning and things are going to be happening real soon.

Anyways again not much to report. I am just doing what I can with what I have at the moment.