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I get angry when I hear someone telling a depressive person to just get over it. That is like handing a beer to an alcoholic and telling them to just say no. You wouldn't tell a child with MS to get over it would you? So why not try to understand that depression is a real disease that is something one cannot just simply get over.

I grew up under some ruff circumstances. I lived in boys homes, foster homes and even lived in the woods for several years. I always felt like I was someone looking from the outside in. I never felt that I belonged. I always felt that I had nothing to offer this wonderful world. The Offspring did a song a while back called Self Esteem. I remember hearing it for the first time and the lyrics I'm just a sucker with Low Self Esteem. I remember thinking well at least you have a self esteem I would have to work my way up to a low one.

I never built confidence in myself. Everything I ever did to build it always backfired on me. I remember one year I had just got out of Bethesda and It was Dad's birthday. I had a neighbor help me bake a cake for him. I was ten at the time. I felt so proud and had already built up in my head the response I was going to get but reality played out a very different scenario. I don't even remember if he at least said thank you. All I wanted to do was make my dad proud of me and it seemed no matter what I did he wasn't going to be so.

I'm 46 years old now and still don't think I have ever made him proud and now I just don't give a damn. Now I am trying to make me proud of me however its a slow process and I have nothing to go on but what I think I know. 

I've been struggling so much with doubt lately I don't even know how to think anymore. I'll sometimes wonder if I have a message waiting from someone but immediately my brain says I doubt it. And its usually right. I'll go to the places I frequent and nope no messages. So it reinforces my doubt and is making it harder for me to overcome it. 

I was never a popular person. I remember in high school going in on Mondays and hearing about some party I didn't get invited to but how I should have been there. I never was that good with the girls either. I didn't have a high school sweetheart not from a lack of trying but for the fact that I was always just the friend. Never to be taken anymore seriously than that.

The few women I did have in my life were not good for me. I just figured if they wanted to be with me it had to be right but damn I was so wrong. My confidence has only gotten even lower and lower. Even when I know I would be good at doing something I let my confidence convince me otherwise. Its a trap I can't seem to escape. 

Having a mother who was never around made me feel like I was someone who wasn't important at all. I can remember after I came of age and lived with my mom for a few years her telling me that she was taught to always stand by your man. I replied it should have been stand by your child. She said yeah well it is what it is and I am who I am. So basically I took that as you are not important enough for me to care for that way.

It was another downfall of the things I tried to do to make a peace with my family and myself. I've given up on trying to make a peace with them and just have been doing my damnedest to just get peace within me and with me. I forgive them for their ways. Wish I could say I can forget it however I can't. 

I guess they did what they felt was best for them and I just have to accept that their plans didn't include me. I am working on being ok with that. I am doing the best I can with what I have. Maybe my life isn't as bad as I think it is but to me this is my reality. Lock stock and barrel. 

I am working on becoming important to me. I am learning to love me a bit more every day. I don't think I am doing to bad considering I had no love of me to start with. In fact I was probably very much in the negative when it came to me loving me.

One thing that really set me back happened with my last girlfriend. Something I couldn't shake and didn't fully realize until the other day. When I got compared by her, to her ex. I remember thinking wow am I that fucked up. That was the worst weekend we had had together and we ended up breaking up a couple weeks later.  What I see now is that I had been unfairly judged by someone who was supposed to know better. She was teaching me what it meant to be enlightened so I took it as if she can't see any good in me then maybe there isn't any. It set me back and I even didn't write in here for a month or so. I stayed off everything that month and seriously wanted to just end it. 

I've moved beyond that point now and its still a struggle to wake up everyday and face my reality. Not of what is around me but in me. I still look for approval from others and when I see I am not getting it it only reinforces my doubts about me.

Damn what a fucking struggle. Trying not to let the outside influence you when all you can see is the outside.