41

I tend to try to hard. I don't know how to let things just happen on their own. I want to but I have lost so much belief and faith in me and things around me I have the urge to control things. For me this is not a good thing as I tend to make things worse. Which just plays more on my doubts.

I've been busting my ass to keep up with my list and its helped me a lot. But I am still not where I would like to be. Honestly I'm not even sure where that is any more. I've really made a mess of things. 

Confusion seems to be the engine on which I am running. I want so much to have belief and faith but have so little clue as to what they are anymore. I did not wake up in the greatest of moods this morning and I guess its showing. I'm not sure why when I have so much to be thankful  for. I lack so much in patience. 

No I'm not giving up or giving in I simply just don't know what to do at this point. I have hopes and dreams but they always seem to be out of my reach. But I have no one to blame but me. I guess I expect to much from me and maybe I don't have the right to do that.

A few years ago when my wife left me I guess I lost more of me than I realized. I went so far down that tarpit that I wonder if I can escape. I'm not going to stop trying to get out of it just really don't know what to grab on to anymore. I have been praying and doing everything in my ability to keep my vibration levels high. 

I know the highers are with me and they continue to encourage me. I have made a few new friends lately and I thank them and the highers for them. I still desire the one who is going to want me and to want to be with me but my doubt is keeping them from me. I pray for belief and faith. I pray for the highers to gently give me patience and I pray for the feeling of peace I have so longed for. 

Even though I know it may never be I still pray for the one who has my heart. I also pray that if she is not supposed to have it then the one who is will show up. I could really use someone to hold my hand while I continue to travel this great unknown.

The void is still to strong with in me. I really don't know how to believe in me all the examples I was supposed to have failed me. Regardless though I know something beautiful is going to happen. I am hanging on to that as its the only thing I do believe. I don't know what that is but it doesn't matter I'll find  out when the time is right.