40

I give up. No this is not a negative thing. What I give up is the dream that is never going to fruition for me. Well maybe not the dream but the one I dreamed it to be. I have enough love in me to last me several life times if others don't want it thats fine I'll just keep it for me.

The past few days have been funky for me. While I haven't been in a deep depression or anything like that and I am still maintaining my grattitudes There is this void eating at me. Only 1 person in 40 years started to fill that void and now that is no more. 

I wanted her and though she wanted me but as it turns out she didn't want me at all. I used to think I meant something to her but now I see I didn't meant anything. I was just something to do to pass time. Now she has someone and when she told me that over a year and a half ago I was devastated. I ended up hurting her inadvertently several months later but none the less I hurt her.   

As I look back it seems it was ok for her to hurt me as I am just some guy on the internet who is incapable of having real feelings. She gladly accepted my forgiveness and even maintained being a friend for a while. It was when I hurt her that it got real for her and she no longer wished to be my friend. 

I had been working hard on getting her to forgive me and allow us to move beyond but apparently I'm not worth it to her. Sorry she feels that way. But honestly I cannot afford to waste any more of my precious life or love for someone who simply does not want it. 

As far as falling in love with someone I really don't want it anymore. I Love me and that will just have to be good enough. Yes I miss companionship and I miss having someone who gets me and wants to spend time with me. But I can no longer live hoping for that to happen again. I guess you only get that once and I had it for a brief moment for that I am forever thankful to you Michele. 

I don't know what this means for me but I do believe I'm still heading in the right direction. I maybe lonely but thats ok I've been this way my whole life I know how it works and I'm going to be just fine. I may have a hard road ahead of me as I venture to this new unknown me. But no matter how hard the road I can only take it one step at a time. 

As far as Michele goes I only wish her the very best in life. I pray that all the blessings of the universe falls upon her gracefully. I pray that she experiences real love and never takes it for granted. I also pray that no one takes her for granted. 

Me well I have froggy :) (my stuffed frog) She has been a good companion and a great listener. She accepts me as I am :) No she can't talk back and thats ok sometimes we don't need anyone to talk back we just need to get it out. I am grateful for all my failures and all my success's they have brought me to this place that I am in now. So the only thing left for me to do at this point is to put on a smile and continue to move forward.