41

I tend to try to hard. I don't know how to let things just happen on their own. I want to but I have lost so much belief and faith in me and things around me I have the urge to control things. For me this is not a good thing as I tend to make things worse. Which just plays more on my doubts.

I've been busting my ass to keep up with my list and its helped me a lot. But I am still not where I would like to be. Honestly I'm not even sure where that is any more. I've really made a mess of things. 

Confusion seems to be the engine on which I am running. I want so much to have belief and faith but have so little clue as to what they are anymore. I did not wake up in the greatest of moods this morning and I guess its showing. I'm not sure why when I have so much to be thankful  for. I lack so much in patience. 

No I'm not giving up or giving in I simply just don't know what to do at this point. I have hopes and dreams but they always seem to be out of my reach. But I have no one to blame but me. I guess I expect to much from me and maybe I don't have the right to do that.

A few years ago when my wife left me I guess I lost more of me than I realized. I went so far down that tarpit that I wonder if I can escape. I'm not going to stop trying to get out of it just really don't know what to grab on to anymore. I have been praying and doing everything in my ability to keep my vibration levels high. 

I know the highers are with me and they continue to encourage me. I have made a few new friends lately and I thank them and the highers for them. I still desire the one who is going to want me and to want to be with me but my doubt is keeping them from me. I pray for belief and faith. I pray for the highers to gently give me patience and I pray for the feeling of peace I have so longed for. 

Even though I know it may never be I still pray for the one who has my heart. I also pray that if she is not supposed to have it then the one who is will show up. I could really use someone to hold my hand while I continue to travel this great unknown.

The void is still to strong with in me. I really don't know how to believe in me all the examples I was supposed to have failed me. Regardless though I know something beautiful is going to happen. I am hanging on to that as its the only thing I do believe. I don't know what that is but it doesn't matter I'll find  out when the time is right. 

40

I give up. No this is not a negative thing. What I give up is the dream that is never going to fruition for me. Well maybe not the dream but the one I dreamed it to be. I have enough love in me to last me several life times if others don't want it thats fine I'll just keep it for me.

The past few days have been funky for me. While I haven't been in a deep depression or anything like that and I am still maintaining my grattitudes There is this void eating at me. Only 1 person in 40 years started to fill that void and now that is no more. 

I wanted her and though she wanted me but as it turns out she didn't want me at all. I used to think I meant something to her but now I see I didn't meant anything. I was just something to do to pass time. Now she has someone and when she told me that over a year and a half ago I was devastated. I ended up hurting her inadvertently several months later but none the less I hurt her.   

As I look back it seems it was ok for her to hurt me as I am just some guy on the internet who is incapable of having real feelings. She gladly accepted my forgiveness and even maintained being a friend for a while. It was when I hurt her that it got real for her and she no longer wished to be my friend. 

I had been working hard on getting her to forgive me and allow us to move beyond but apparently I'm not worth it to her. Sorry she feels that way. But honestly I cannot afford to waste any more of my precious life or love for someone who simply does not want it. 

As far as falling in love with someone I really don't want it anymore. I Love me and that will just have to be good enough. Yes I miss companionship and I miss having someone who gets me and wants to spend time with me. But I can no longer live hoping for that to happen again. I guess you only get that once and I had it for a brief moment for that I am forever thankful to you Michele. 

I don't know what this means for me but I do believe I'm still heading in the right direction. I maybe lonely but thats ok I've been this way my whole life I know how it works and I'm going to be just fine. I may have a hard road ahead of me as I venture to this new unknown me. But no matter how hard the road I can only take it one step at a time. 

As far as Michele goes I only wish her the very best in life. I pray that all the blessings of the universe falls upon her gracefully. I pray that she experiences real love and never takes it for granted. I also pray that no one takes her for granted. 

Me well I have froggy :) (my stuffed frog) She has been a good companion and a great listener. She accepts me as I am :) No she can't talk back and thats ok sometimes we don't need anyone to talk back we just need to get it out. I am grateful for all my failures and all my success's they have brought me to this place that I am in now. So the only thing left for me to do at this point is to put on a smile and continue to move forward.

39

Here lately I've taken on a bit more active role in things. The more I live under this new light the more active I become. I am now a moderator at yet another forum. Its ran by the same administrator of androidforums.com Its a cooking forum and I'm excited to help out and get involved. I enjoy cooking and hope to learn some kewl recipes ;)

I still get in a funk at times however its lasting less and less. I am finding that when even I start to get into that motion I can find something to be grateful for and I soon start coming out of it. Its a very conscience effort but worth it.

Still looking for a job and praying that something with some decent pay will come my way that doesn't take a physical toll on me. I know it is coming and I am already grateful that it is ;) I'm now ready to receive this job.

Recreating ones self is not always what we think. Somethings that I used to like in the past no longer have a thrill for me and things I never thought I would like are becoming enticing. 

As I continue to discover and create the me I wish to be I am being the me that is willing to be completely honest with me. Its important for growth. Yes I have made some bad mistakes in my life and done things I am not proud of. The worst was hurting my best friend Michele. However had I not done those things I wouldn't be wanting to change those things in me. I would have continued on the wrong path or even the right path but for the wrong reasons. 

I am impressing me. I am happy with me. I am happy to be me. Learning to embrace myself has cost me however its a cost I'll never forget so I have to keep embracing or the cost was for nothing. I didn't come here to live for nothing.

2016 has seen some of the most amazing talent we have had on this planet move on. In the short 2 weeks we have lost so many. Lemmy Kilmister, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Natalie Cole, Wayne Rogers and anyone I forgot to mention. One thing I believe is that they have taught us all to live and enjoy our moment. I hope to honor my memory of them by doing just that. 

We all have our direction to go in life. However we have the freedom to change that direction when it no longer meets our needs. As I have been changing my directions I have noticed so have some of my needs been changing. Its an exciting time as I venture into my unknown. 

38

This year has been a decent year. No nothing has really been different as far as it goes however my attitude is very much different. My gratitude's and my positive affirmations have helped me to stay positive. That doesn't mean I still don't have my moments but I see them blowing over a bit faster now :)

I spent my whole life trying to please everyone but me. I can no longer carry out a life where I do that. When you have the rejection I have had its very hard not to want to make everyone happy. The rejected part of me says If I can make them happy with me then they will want me. Now I realize that If I want to be happy I have to choose to be that way. I can no longer allow others to have that control over me.

One of the things I am most grateful for is that Michele still bothers to keep in touch with me even though it may not be as often as I wish. As much as I love her and as much as I am willing to do for her I had to realize that I cannot give her anything if I am not being true to me. I have to be the center of my happiness and not her. She is not responsible for my happiness I am. 

In this light I am figuring out what that is. I honestly don't know what makes me happy. I'm at a new crossroads in life and direction has never been my strong point. Now I am starting to realize direction was never my problem only my attitude. 

I'm doing what I feel I must to find the peace within myself to continue moving in this positive direction. I have decent support when I accept it and I am learning to accept it more and more. I am also learning to accept that I am not as alone as I have seen myself being. 

I am going to have a great life. I am going to accept that great life. I am going to share my great life and I am going to enjoy my great life. I am going back to the old motto of KISS. Keep it simple stupid. LOL 

I look forward to the new opportunities that life is about to bestow upon me. What they are I do not know all I do know is that my attitude for them will be positive. Me wanting me is the best gift I can give to me. I am living my life for that now. 

37

I am starting off my new year in continuance of the last month of the last year. Yes I am still on my list and I am keeping myself positive. My Christmas wasn't bad. May not been all I desired it to be but it wasn't bad and that is the main thing.

As I have done every year since I was about 18 I got myself a Christmas gift. Its not much just a little statue of a frog ;) I've done this because I remember growing up in Youth Estate and there were Christmas's that I was empty handed and I got to watch others unwrap their gifts. So I declared I would have at least one gift to open every year.

As I go into this new year with a new attitude. I seek out my opportunities. I have no clue as to where life is taking me this year all I do know is that I am going to make the best of it.

I just wish to close in saying I wish you all a happy new year and may all your dreams come true.